Oh dear, oh dear indeed.

Chuck and I are over, and I'm mortified. We had a to-do before she left on her trip so we didn't part of the best of terms. I had said 'I wasn't sure about us', which was true, and that seems to have stuck.

The reason I said that is because I wanted her to be my girlfriend, not in effect girlfriend or virtual girlfriend but actual girlfriend. I got pretty screwed up by it - mostly because the two previous times I've been in a similar situation the lack of commitment was just an early warning sign that the other person was seeing other people on the sly.

That combined with work stress and a lack of sleep and I was in a bit of a weird place. Chuck wanted to see me one evening, I said I was too tired (I was exhausted) and then she phoned me in the evening. The conversation wasn't great, some things were said, and the one on my part was 'I'm not sure about us'. Chuck is a bit sensitive about this line because it's what a previous boyfriend said to her while cheating on her. I didn't cheat on Chuck, I was just tired and stressed and for a brief moment I was less than 100% about our future.

Anyway, we parted. There was some texting on holiday, and even a couple of phone calls. They were far more friendly. So I was awfully excited to see her again on Sunday. Actually that is an understatement. I moved my flights to see her earlier, and then when I realised that wasn't possible, I had to move them back. It was an expensive mistake.

On Sunday she said she was coming back on a train so I wrapped the gifts I had brought her and met up. Even though she was hungover (yesterday had been a hen party) she looked radiant to me. We said hello, kissed and hugged. Then we went for a coffee.

At first we exchanged holiday stories, and then gifts. It was lovely. Then we got on to the conversation of the unpleasantness. That was not so lovely, but it needed to be said. She did mention she had been for a drink with another man while I had been away. I wasn't pleased by this, but we were never officially going out and by any one's standards to quote Friends 'we were on a break'.

Coffee turned into lunch at our usual restaurant and that was very agreeable. Lovely even. While the subject of the unpleasantness was raised again it was being dealt with and for a bit I thought things could be saved.

This opinion lasted when she came back to my flat, We had to run back through a rain storm, and took shelter in a tree before we finally made it back to my flat. Chuck had a nap while I worked. Once I had my work out of the way we talked some more, and more, being entirely honest and then a chance remark I made, about something lovely she had done previously broke it all.

It wasn't even a negative remark, I just made a reference to something utterly lovely she had done previously and she said she suddenly realised it wasn't going to be like that anymore.

More things were said. I explained the reason I had been a bit wobbly and explained it in a way I think she got it. The reason I was wobbling was because I had mentally so committed myself - as in, right this is the one, so that's it for me and dating but it was too late.

She packed up her stuff and left, I was too shell-shocked to do much. These are unusual circumstances for me, because normally if things go a bit wobbly I'm gone but with this girl I don't want that. I don't want this to be over.

Putting my psychoanalyst head on. I think she needs me to know how upset she was by the phone conversation and things, and because she was away and then I was away it's been festering and boiling up into something terrible. If we can sort this out, then there is hope, or at least I hope there is hope if that makes sense.

I was feeling amazing and relaxed post holiday and now I feel a bit empty and a little bit sick. I really hope it's not broken.

America, the final day.

Well my time in America is drawing to a close, and I'm sad but also I can't wait to go back and see Chuck. I've not seen her in three weeks and that is far, far too long.

Vegas was interesting. At first I hated it. It was hot, I'd been ordered to wear my helmet (which is a nightmare in 42c stop-start traffic) and I was tired. We entered the strip from the crappy end and it was surprisingly like Skegness. Really it was.

I was meeting B, my chum so at about 8ish I hopped on the bike (sans helmet) and rode down the strip in the dark. That was amazing, really amazing. It was still extremely warm but at least my head wasn't cooking and all the lights, screens and other things to attract your attention are very engaging. I didn't even mind the heavy traffic because it gave me more time to enjoy the scenery.

I picked up B and we zoomed back to the hotel, Circus Circus (very tacky even for Vegas.) dropped off the bike and grabbed something to eat. B was introduced to my bike chums and then we went off on the drinking adventure.

B arranged for us to meet up with one of her Vegas chums, a delightful Russian Ex-Goth 'Go Go dancer' who took us to, I think about 7 different casinos while we drank cocktails and cackled like loons. There was also a bit of competitive chili eating. This went on until about 4am where we got tired of places being dead.

I had previously thought that Vegas never sleeps but on a Tuesday it definitely takes a nap. So at about five-ish we said goodbye, I went back to my room, drunkenly phoned Chuck and fell asleep. At about 7sh I woke up again, ordered B to get up and went off in search of more fun. The tattoo place wasn't open so instead we just had breakfast and then went tat shopping.

This was also entertaining, they do make some good rubbish in Vegas. Sadly then I had to leave. The tour had split, the fun people were going to stay in Vegas and the not fun were leaving on time. I joined the not fun people because I felt a moral duty to since I was 'at work'. This was a mistake and the next 7 hours of riding were extremely dull, but I suppose life is like that sometimes.

I will have to go back to Vegas again, I'll make a point of never seeing it during daylight though. That's just wrong.

I have been changed by my time in America. My riding has come on really well, just from being in the saddle for so long and going on such endlessly wiggly roads. There were days when I just seemed to ride the same hairpin for hours.

I've also had a lot of time to think about things, and since I said goodbye to my dad at the Grand Canyon I do feel very different, as if a weight has been lifted. I'm hoping this effect will last through the change back to normal time and the real world in England.

A good holiday should change you, and I've had life changing ones before, the trip to Italy for example, so perhaps this one will be too. I definitely feel like a different person.

Sorry it's been a few days, I've been having too much fun to sit down and write, here are the main things that have happened.

Death Valley
It is shockingly hot, amazingly so. One person required medical attention because they were so dehydrated but surviving it felt like really achieving something. I rather enjoyed it. We got buzzed by an F16 and the Pilot waved at us, that was exciting. I rode about without a helmet, which was weird but interesting.

The Grand Canyon
Go and see this. Pictures will never get across how utterly epic it is. I went for a helicopter ride around it which was awesome. The pilot played the theme from 2001 as we crossed over the rim and the lady next to me cried because it was so beautiful. It was aces.

When we landed I found a quiet spot on a sticking out rock, dangled my legs over the edge and took a moment. When the time was right, I released the remains of my dad into the breeze. It was apt, I think that's the best way of describing it. Just after I released the remains a raven or some huge black bird appeared on a gust of wind, so when I went to the Indian Market I brought a raven totem thingy which now lives around my neck. I feel different now.

Utah
It's quite hot, dry, as in no booze and after the Grand Canyon everything else is a bit meh. The roads in Utah are straight, we managed 15 miles without any sort of turning or bend, which is actually a bit dull. I like bendy roads. I'm tired too, we have been getting up really early to get ahead of the heat and I've not got the hang of going to bed early yet.

In other news I've got the stupidest tan ever. Shorts + bike boots = tannned knees.

A storm of butterflies

Yesterday was good. We entered Yosemite park for the first time. It's huge, I always thought Hyde Park was pretty good going but Yosemite is vast and extremely bumpy.

As we entered the park we had to ride through a storm of butterflies. It was beautiful and amazing, and a bit horrible at the same time. I tried to dodge as many as possible but I still ate a few.

Our first stopping point was a waterfall. Bride falls I think. It was very impressive, and refreshing. There were big signs telling you to stay off the rocks, so of course we scamped over the rocks for more impressive photos. I've identified the 'naughty group' in the tour so I tend to ride around with them now. They are here without their wives and so are being pleasantly childish.

After the waterfall we rode around a bit stopping to take photos of views so epic I can't even believe myself when I remember them. Then we had lunch. Chuck called me, which was nice. The shoes went down well, but I think the really important thing was that I told her about scattering the remains. I'm glad things are less chilly between us again.

Lunch was a salmon burger with sweet potato chips. It was nice, but I'm starting to get worried by how much rubbish I'm eating. We fuelled up and then made our way to Glacer Point. The road up there was brilliantly wiggly but frustrating because traffic caused us to take it very, very slowly. It was worth the ride though because the view is, well it's awesome in the tradiional sense of the word.

I spent about an hour just looking at stuff. It's 7000 feet up and you can see for miles and miles. On the left of the viewing place there is a huge rock overhanging the cliff. It sticks out surprisingly far, so of course Team Naughty and I scrambled over the signs saying 'do not climb here' and took photos of us striking macho poses.

We ran off before any park rangers could find us and rode to the motel on yet another amazingly wiggly road (with positive camber!) we were stuck behind a coach for a while but once that pulled over it was excellent fun.

The motel is on the main strip of a weird, typically American town. We went to the local biker bar and drank beer before going to a 'BBQ shack' and eating fairly crappy food. I'm going to try and be healthy today and eat something that wasn't fried in lard.

Today we are going to see the biggest tree ever, and some other things. I'm going to go and buy some headphones so I can listen to music while riding. I want to make an album my American Trip music, so that when I listen to it I will remember this trip.

I've had, the time of my life.

You know those dreams you have, where something so wonderful is happening you are desperate not to wake up? The dreams where you can fly or you have a pet dinosaur made out of jelly. The dreams where everything is just perfect and you don't want it to end.

That's what today has been like, well the latter half of today. The start was a bit iffy. We picked up the bikes from the dealership and then got ready to set off. I packed my bike really quickly and then I had to hang around for ages, like hours for other people to have quite heated domestics about who should have the most space for socks.

It really was quite fighty. Then we wobbled into the San Francisco traffic and slowly made our way to the Golden Gate bridge. I don't like riding in groups that much, especially with people I don't know so this wasn't that much fun. People got lost, pulled stupid manoeuvres and other naughty things. It was roasting hot too.

Once we were over the bridge things got a bit better. The highway gave people a bit ore room to mess about, far away from me so I could relax a bit. After a bit of highway riding we turned right onto a completely straight road for ages. It was like the ultimate roman road.

At some magical point the road started wiggling up and down some hills, the it wiggled some more. We turned right into Yosemite park and the road really got it's wiggle on. I've never been on such an well maintained, bendy and interesting road. It was marvellous. I could go home now and I'd be happy.

The air was pleasantly warm, the bike was behaving and the new tyres were finally scrubbed in so for an hour so I was entirely in the moment and I didn't think about anything else. Bliss.

After the wiggly road we arrived at our hotel in the wilderness. It's faintly reminiscent of the hotel in Dirty Dancing but sadly I've not managed to find the underground dance club for people who work here. Not that I could do that much dancing. I'm too knackered.

Walking with mad people

Who would have thought it, they have The Internet in America. It's amazing. My phone even works over here, although I suspect it will cost me bajillions to make calls.

I'm typing this on my new laptop. It's one of those tiny little notebook ones (I needed one for work), and because they had no other colour, it's pink. Super gay pink. It was a bit of a bargin, even after I was hit with sales tax.

It's the most camp item of consumer electronics that I own and I rather like it.

San Francisco is rather nice, it seems really relaxed. Spiritually it's like Brighton, or any south coast Victorian town but it's just a bit cleaner. Actually it's a lot cleaner. It's spotless. I've been doing a few touristy things before the epic voyage begins.

I went to Alcatraz which was interesting, and yet dull at the same time. I jail is well it's a house with more iron work. Once you've seen one tiny room with a broken loo in it you've seen them all.

The rest of S.F. is charming and bumpy, I'd like to spend more time here if I could exploring. Yesterday I went on a ghost tour. It was a bit if an accident. I happened to be in the lobby when the guide turned up, he was dressed like such a berk I just had to go along.

The level of horrifying supernatural tales was pretty low. Or any sort of creepy atmosphere. It wasn't a spooky insight into the spirits of San Francisco, instead, I went for a walk with a mad person who did some crappy street magic. Actually when I describe it like that it was pretty good value.

Anyway it's time to eat breakfast and then we saddle up.

Keep those wagons rollin'

I learned something important today. If you are going to go shopping for some last minute supplies for a holiday, and your transport is a motorbike, take a bag. There is only so much you can stuff up your jumper.

That's about it for today and lessons, the rest of it passed in a blur while frantically trying to sort out stuff for when I leave. I even managed to avoid saying 'if you get stuck, call me'. That's a first.

Well I've packed now, mostly I'm fretting about if my luggage is too heavy. Bike clothes weigh a lot, they also take up a lot of room. Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine. If it's over I'll just wear some of the heavy bits. Ha in your face flight operators.

This might be my last entry for a while, while I'm sure they have The Internet in The Americas, I'm not sure how easily I will be able to get my hands on it while travelling. I'll be busy punching bears and finding gold in streams, that's what people do in the West you know.

So goodbye chums.

In which we discuss the affect of stress on Chuck relations

I've been getting pretty stressed at work. There is a lot of pressure on me, from a few different angles. There are people who have to do work for me, but who consider it beneath them, and there are other people who want me to fail for political reasons. This is quite tiring and can get a chap down.

Add to this my background level of stress, I think in a big part to never really saying goodbye to my dad and you have a terribly stressed Louche. It's been affecting other things too, important things like my relationships. This is not good.

Some days I'd come back from work extremely stressed, so stressed that it would take me a while to unwind and that would get Chuck all worked up. If I don't calm down it's going to destroy our relationship and that is just not on. I'd hate for that to happen.

The thing is, Chuck is very special and we've already had grown up conversations about 'where this is going' and stuff like that. I've never had one of those before, usually I just run away. I don't want to lose this one, which is why I have plans for my trip to America.

Ealing Comedies and casual racism

A bit of a busy day yesterday. I had to train up my lieutenant to do the important bits of my job while I'm away. It's a weird one that training chaps up for that.I felt guilty about not wanting him to do it too well. Not that works like that, but you know what I mean.

After work I had to start the packing, and had a minor emergency. I'd asked for some hair (yes I know it sounds weird, but it's 'remains') from my dad to be posted up but it hadn't appeared. It turns out it was tucked into a suit that had arrived a week earlier and I hadn't seen it. As you can imagine losing remains isn't as funny as Ealing Comedies would have us believe and I got a bit upset. Thankfully I did find them and calmed down just enough for my one on one IAM (Institute of Advanced Motorists) lesson.

It went well, I've just completed a series of police biking lesson things and so my riding is coming on nicely. The chap was pleased with my progress, especially over the course of the lesson and he wants to book my test now. So that is nice, the only wobbly bit was when he drew a direct link with the dangers of the road with the increased number of foreign people in the country. I suppose, since I've been in London for so long, this sort of statement catches me off guard somewhat.

After my lesson a chap from work dropped over some slightly distasteful, yet extremely good luggage for me to take to America and I went to sleep.

Dr Livingstone and RealPolitik

The sports war has taken another step. I told my boss that I though the reason for the friction was my lack of experience when it came to sport. I held back on telling him that I thought sport was a load of old toss, which makes me feel I have grown as a person.

It is a load of old toss though.

I've started packing for my adventure now, well sort of pre-packing. In that I've mentally selected some items that I have to take and then dug out the largest bag I have. This bag isn't quite enough. I know that my biking costume will fill it instantly so I need a larger one. I did toy with wearing the biking costume onto the plane but it has a few flaws.

1) It's got lots of metal in it. When I went to the TT and rode to the airport I had to get almost completely naked to get through the metal detector.

2) It's more than a little warm. I suppose I could take the thermal lining out, which would help. It's rather bulky too. Armour is good while riding, less so when squeezing into a seat on a flight.

3) It's a biking costume. When I'm screaming across a desert on a motorbike, it will most definitely look the part. When I'm sweating through Heathrow, with a tonne of luggage trying to find my gate. I'll just look like a berk.

Also since I'll be wearing it for two weeks almost solidly I'd like to be able to wear something else on the plane at least, especially on the way back.

Someone at work is going to lend me some luggage, so I should really hold off on packing until then.

This isn't a valid excuse as to why I've not got any American money yet, or any of the specialist supplies I've been told to get. I have to stock up on dehydration tablets (Death valley is supposed to be a touch warm) and Vaseline because spending days upon days in the saddle is going to be sore on my poor bot.

I can't wait though, two weeks of being away from it all is going to be spiffing. Just me, a bike and the open road. Ding dong.

Sports war

I have trouble with sports. I've never been into watching them. I can enjoy a nice game of croquet, and if pushed will even play football in the park but I think watching sport is a complete waste of time. This goes for all sports, it's like organised religion, I just don't get it.

This makes me unusual compared to a lot of chaps. Most chaps even. It's not really caused me that much trouble in my life so far. There has been the occasional football related conversation that has left me cold but that's about it.

At my current work it is a problem. There is a sports desk. They are old school, terribly old school. They are, big fish in their respective small ponds and I'm the new, erm, frog? In town? As part of my job I have to provide coverage at the weekends, which means I have to edit their stories and put up some sports results for the motor racing. I hate it, and I get incredibly stressed doing it.

The putting up of stories is stressful because it involves sitting around waiting, next to a computer, for them to send the stories over and then uploading them super fast to the website. If you don't upload them in seconds, you get abuse. So you spend the whole day waiting around for them. Sometimes I'll get a text message at 9pm ordering a story to be put up. This ruins weekends, you get a bit of time-off for doing weekend coverage but not two whole days.

The second part is silly. We have to get hold of the results from the race and put them up as fast as possible. Then we have to write a report on the race, on the race I can't see because I don't have the telly package. As you can imagine this is quite challenging.

Add into the mix I just don't care about the races, and the fact that I know the sports section of the website brings in the least money of any part of it. I can prove this with facts, yet it causes me the most trouble and stress.

I had a weekly meeting today where my boss said that the sports chaps had revealed that 'I get their backs up'. I'm not quite sure how to deal with that. I'm sort of angry, because I've only ever been nice to them.

I don't know how to deal with this really, I'd like to have some sort of meeting but I'm not sure how I get my point across in the correct manner. Gah.

Eleventy twelvety bazillion great

I found my old Ipod when I was last home. It's sort of alive again. The screen is still mashed but the Ipod behind the scenes is just about ticking over. This means, my large collection of strange music is with me again.

Listening to some of the tunes is like going back in time, not very far admittedly, it sort of starts in 2002/3ish. Still it's nice. I listen it it and I'm back to some strange places, with some strange girls, or strange cocktails.

They remind me of seemingly endless summers, drinking with friends near Hyde Park. Frantically getting ready for dates with girls I don't even know the name of. Walking home from friends houses at stupid hours in the morning with only music to keep me awake. Eating strawberries with company, while lying naked in a sun beam. Rattling over hills in Italy, after near-death experiences.

Waltzing in the front room at the end of an affair when we both know it's over. The first sparkly eyed glance over a drink that says 'well hello'. Stumbling from one party to another, with a hand full of goodie bags and a crumpled invite.

Cycling through Hampstead in the rain. Walking people to get them cabs at 7am after staying up all night and then going straight into work. Bursting into warm pubs in winter months, and getting a cheer just because you turned up.

Cocktails at a complete strangers house, in an unknown part of town, just because.

A thousand weekends that started with a badly stuffed weekend bag and a picnic hamper, a hundred strangers met for the weirdest of reasons that became friends, tens of interesting women and one wonderful city, London.

Sometimes you have to stand and look back, just so you can say to yourself
'I say, I really did have a jolly spiffing time, what?'

Girls are weird

It's nice to be blogging again, it really is. It's a bit sad this blog will be hidden for a while, it's going to have to be like that for a while at least. Ho-hum. Let's all just band together and enjoy the Blitz spirit, eh?

Worse things have happened and all that. Actually I realise I should clear things up about Chuck and being an item. Specifically, she is not my girlfriend. While she doesn't kiss anyone else, and neither do I, we aren't actually an item. She is a bit weird about that. I have mentioned it's weird but girls are funny about being called weird.

Other people think it's weird too, including her friends, but it's just a thing. You know, a thing like not liking Cheese Cake (me) or liking Eastenders (her). I like to know where I stand with people so it's, well it's been a bit weird for me.

I'm not saying you have to sign a formal declaration the moment you meet, but if you are spending every night with someone, it's something else isn't it? If they have a toothbrush at your house, well that's something girlfriends have.

Although logically it's just a title, isn't it? Or is it?

Girls are weird. I suppose that's why I like them.*

*mostly.

California, Chuck and (motor)Cycles

Quite a bit has happened since this blog disappeared. To get everyone (well no-one right now, but invites will be sent out soon) up to speed here are the key facts.

California
In four days I'm off to California to ride around various naturally beautiful places for work. It's going to be the first two week holiday I've had in years, at least three and it's going to be my first paid holiday longer than 7 days, well ever. It's also going to be my first travel feature so that's exciting too.

I'm really looking forward to it, although it doesn't feel quite real yet. While I'm out there I'm going to scatter a few of my dad's hairs (taken from his old helmet) in some interesting places. I am currently planning on letting them drift away on an gust of air at the Grand Canyon. Then I shall say a few words and take a moment. This will be the funeral I never got, and perhaps it will let me move on at last.

Chuck
Things are still going on. Chuck and I, are an item. In the past six weeks we have spent only three nights apart, and only one of those through choice. It's been amazing, but also occasionally a bit tense. I think this is just part of getting to know someone, and perhaps spending a bit too much time with them. Or at least I hope that is why we've had a couple of, well not arguments but conversations that weren't just about how lovely the other person smelt.

I'm not going to see her for a month now (she is on holiday at the moment) so we will have some time to think about things and the like. We didn't part on the best of terms, which was, well it was my fault really but my actions were logical, if silly. We have spoken since and it's a bit better but it still feels a bit fragile.

I've never had terribly long relationships. The moment they start to get complicated is the moment I run off and take someone else out for champagne and so I'm not quite sure how this bit works. I would like it to work. Chuck is like no-one else I've ever met and while I'm not sure about our long term future there are days when I'd very much like to marry her.

Motorcycles
My biking is coming on a treat, I've just been assessed by the police and I passed with flying colours. This means a lot to me as I've not been riding for long on the road (really only since the start of this year). To have a slightly stern police chap say 'That was excellent, and considering you've not been riding long that was extremely accomplished, well done' was a nice thing.

I'm still enjoying work, and it's coming on really well. I'm just not terribly good at managing stress yet. I care a bit too much, which is causing some friction with Chuck and I. I need to work on that.

A note on editors

This blog was gone for a while, it was nearly gone forever.

It disappeared because The Hitchcock Blonde's mum sent me some hate mail for moving on. It was extremely unpleasant and really knocked me for six, well a dozen to be accurate. Then the Hitchcock Blonde sent me an email that started off apologising for her mum and ended up in hate mail. That was also unpleasant.

They have both been removed from my life. Phone numbers deleted, Facebook ties severed, the works. Dead. To. My. Eyes.

For a while I closed down this blog, it will remain private for quite some time but I found that without somewhere to vent and be silly I was getting quite stressed.

I think the important thing here is to not give someone editoral control. No matter how unpleasant they are via email.

Louche and Chuck go for a ride.

After being spotted by the work person the day rather lost it's sparkle. This chap was a bit of a gossip, who had previously asked Chuck out on a date. The look on his face at discovering us together was absolute delight.

I was ruined, she had to go and have her hair done and so we parted ways after coming up with a reasonable excuse as to why we had met for coffee.

'Ho-hum' I thought, actually, I think I thought 'blimes'.

It had been a bit of a blimey weekend. I was also a bit annoyed with myself, I was supposed to be testing motorbikes, and I'd also been given a stupidly fast motorbike for the weekend so I could have been messing about on that.

Instead I was ruined, and so I went back to bed. Leaving the motorbike in my back garden as a reminder of why chaps should stay sober. It was the sort of bike that if you aren't absolutely, and totally focused will kill you in a moment. I was a bit peeved that I wasn't in a suitable state to ride it.

On Sunday (once I'd recovered) I met up with a chum from work for a ride out and for Sunday lunch with his family. This chap is my best friend at work and he asked me why I was in such a state on Saturday to miss out riding bikes. I lied at first, and then felt beastly.

So when we were in the workshop tinkering away with bikes before we went out for a ride, I revealed the truth. He was almost as shocked as I was.

We went for a ride out together, and swapped bikes for a bit of fun. On the way back we even stopped at an American Style diner for milkshakes. While we were drinking these I got a text message from Chuck. She wanted to meet up.

I ate supper with the chum, his family are lovely and then got on the bike to get back to meet up with Chuck. Now normally I'm a pretty conservative rider, very considered even. That ride was not considered. I was the devil on two wheels. I halved my previous best time for getting home.

I arrived a Chuck's house still tingling from the ride, she pulled on a helmet I hadborrowed and we set off together. This was the first time I'd ever had a girl on the back of a motorbike. I rather liked it.

We dropped the bike off at the flat and then went into town in search of food. I had no idea what I was doing, or what was going on but I couldn't wait to see what happened next.

Hello Chuck

There is a girl. I am going to call her Chuck because she reminds me in many ways of the character from Pushing Daisies.

She works in the same building as me. We had exchanged pleasantries before, in that vague sort of office way. Suddenly last week, for reasons I still don't fully understand we resolved to meet for a drink outside of work. It was more her idea than mine, but if someone like Chuck asks you out for drinks you jolly well go along.

Also because it was someone like Chuck, I wore a tweed suit to meet her. I live in a very rough area, I think it wouldn't be an understatement to say it's like the set from the Wire. Perhaps not the idea place to wear a tweed suit, but evidently smashing vintage tweed garners respect in the hood, I was fine.

I made it to the bar we were meeting in a little late. I was wearing brogues and clopping across town as fast as I could but there are limits to how hard you should push yourself, especially on a hot day while wearing a pink shirt. Well if you are going to wear tweed, there is no point in being half-hearted.

This drink in the bar was our first meeting outside of work. So I wasn't sure what it would be like. When I first saw her the sparkle in her eye when she saw me, it suggested that this wasn't quite the innocent drink after work we were both pretending it was.

We started with a reasonable bottle of Merlot, which evolved into another and then before I knew it we were taking supper in the restaurant. I ate the worst risotto I'd ever paid £15 for, it would have been the worst risotto ever but I'd had an even worse one in the work canteen earlier in the week. It was horrific, but for £2.50 you could forgive it, a bit.

The risotto was awful but by this point we had drunk enough wine to not care too much. We retired back to the bar and tried to secure some more drinks, we failed. Even Chuck's local celebrity status (more on this later) couldn't get us just one more gin and tonic for the road.

It was at around this point, and yet again for reasons I don't quite understand, we kissed. My memories of this moment are shrouded in a fug of booze and endorphins but I can remember the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

Eventually we left the bar, having engaged in a frankly shameful amount of kissing and stumbled out into the cool night air. Actually it wasn't cool, it was freezing.

Almost instantly a cab appeared. I said she should get in it and go home. She said she didn't want to. I insisted, Chuck had a boyfriend you see. I said that I liked her, and because I liked her she should go home. This turned into a monologue about doing the right thing if you really like someone, it was as much for my benefit as for hers.

It was appreciated but had almost exactly the opposite affect to the one I was expecting. Chuck walked home, through a war zone to visit my flat.

We drank Champagne and talked nonsense and then, at about 4am it was time for bed. I explained that nothing naughty was going to happen because of her situation. She borrowed some clothes off me, I left the room so she could change.

She kept trying to break my resolve to do something that would require more than a PG certificate. I refused, again and again. Hoping that in years to come I wouldn't come to regret this. It might have been the right thing to do, but it wasn't the most fun.

In the morning I made us coffee and we drank it with apricot jam on toast. I didn't eat that much because I was still feeling a bit unusual from the drinking excess of the night before. I was so drunk I had to cancel a morning appointment to ride a motorbike.

After a light breakfast, we made our way into to town. We had a coffee, and as is the way of these things, were spotted by someone from work.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Dear Teh Interwebz

I am deeply sorry to have not been updating as much as I should be. It's not been because something bad has happened, or even that nothing has happened at all. Quite the opposite, something amazing has been going on. Things have happened that have blown my pink socks off.

I've been back to my old tricks of having adventures, being places I shouldn't and drinking innapropriate amounts of wine in hotel bars with people who should know better.

It's been spiffing, but I'm not going to discuss it all yet because something else is happening and I want to wait for that to be sorted so I can begin to regale what will be a top yarn.

Stay tuned, and just go and have a cup of tea or something until it's ready. Well perhaps a minibreak as I doubt it will be sorted by the weekend.

I say, fancy becoming a Spartan?

I agreed to become a Spartan today. One of the chaps at work has got his hands on the training regime used for the film and so now we are all going to try it. I imagine it's going to involve a lot of eating raw eggs and running up steps.

Actually I have no idea what it involves but a wager has been made between gentlemen and so it must happen. The wager has even been extended so not only are we going to training up, pointlessly I should add, I said I'd grow a Spartan beard when it was apt.

Well it is for Sparta after all.

The weight of secrets

Secrets are strange things. They seem to have a weight that changes depending on how they relate to you.

A salacious bit of gossip relating to someone you don't like is a wispy, floating thing that can delight. Look at the huge array of celebrity gossip magazines to see what I mean. If the secret isn't important, and it doesn't affect you then it's rather fun to be told it. Even the smallest snippet of information gains value if it's not widely known.

Secrets that involve yourself have a terrible weight, they drag on the soul. What makes it worse is that sometimes the secret is something good or very bad, but you mustn't share it. There are some things going on at work, relating to the current economic climate and some people I work with. I wish I'd never found out about it all.

And no, I don't have donkey ears.

Bitchin' Suit day

I went drinking with some work people last night. It was a post-work wine and chat about things. One of them revealed that when they first spotted me they thought I looked like an eccentric, the sort of person who has cravats and pocket watches.

I wasn't wearing either of these items at the time. Or anything even mildly outlandish so it seems that I've now reached the point where I don't need foppish affectations to come across as the sort of berk who frets about socks too much.

My wardrobe is returning to form. Every time I go to Devon I pick up more items, the last trip involved my first suit. I don't wear a suit for work. Most people don't even wear shirts, which isn't to say they run around topless, but that T-shirts are the usual thing.

I'm not sure what I'll wear this suit for, I suggested that once a month we have 'bitching suit day' where a chap can wear something lilac or a solid tweed. Pipes were also mentioned, so we could discuss matters of importance while loading up some nice clay pipes. The suit I brought up was a light-weight tweed number, perfect for spring time. Now I just need an good excuse to break it out.

I think it's a sign of how I'm feeling more comfortable in my job that now the suits are starting to reappear. Relocating up here required a lot of changes, and I initally thought that I was going to leave all the dandy-style misadventures behind.

Now I know that is wrong. It's just that the part of you that makes you want to invest in waistcoats and cufflinks travels slower than the rest of you. So it takes a while to catch up with the rest of you. It's here now, and judging by the misadventures of last night it's just as potent as it ever was.

I wonder if they are ready for it.

The Hitchcock Blonde

Well I broke up with The Hitchcock Blonde, it was about three weeks ago. It is sad, but we remain on good terms.

FIN

A long needed update

I'm sorry I've not been updating as much. I'm also sorry that my updates have been about strange things. There have been a lot of changes going on here, big changes. I wanted to leave some distance between them happening and writing about them because I thought I should have time to mull over them.

I'll do some big updates tonight, after a glass of wine. The main subjects will be my traffic accident and breaking up with the Hitchcock Blonde.

Ten pounds of fun

I've had a strangely productive day. Rather annoyingly I've been 'on duty' this weekend which involves waiting for the Dinosaur to send me stories which I have to file away. This isn't my normal job, someone on my team normally does it but in a fit of selflessness I volunteered to split the weekend cover with them and another chap.

This selfless act means that one weekend in three involves me glaring at my computer instead of enjoying the sunshine. Hopefully someone else will start doing it but until then I shall just have the occasional rage filled weekend.

Because one never knows when a story will appear I can't be far away from a computer at any time so any sort of extended trip is off the cards, unless you travel in the evenings or mornings. So I've used the time mildly productively and had a bit of a spring clean.

I've not only washed everything I possibly can, I've also re-arranged my room so my bed is in an entirely different place and shuffled a few other things. This does mean my bed is in a faintly ridiculous place in the room but it's a different place and that's what I wanted.

I also snuck out and got some shopping for the week, on a motorbike. Motorbikes are wonderful things but they aren't ideal for doing the weekly shop. You have to plan ahead with the size of the items you buy and also think about how much they weigh. Lugging a helmet around with a basket of shopping isn't recommended either. Still it's an excuse for a ride and that's enough for me. Once I'd had my shop out the way I took the bike I have for the weekend out for a ride.

That was excellent fun. The sun was shining, the roads were moderately clear and I went off exploring along twisty back roads and sweeping A-roads. On a lovely spring day like this, with a willing machine, I can't imagine £10 better spent than blown on a tank of petrol.

The bike I have is pleasantly 'fruity' which means you can either poodle along enjoying the view or a slight twist of the wrist means you have to focus entirely on the road. I've driven some absolutely insane cars, but they struggle to get even close to the joy of bimbling around on a motorbike.

I've just realised I forgot to buy some toothpaste, oh no. I'll have to ride to the shops to get some. The local shops are closed so I think I'll have to go really far away to get it, probably at the end of some really wiggly roads. I bet I get lost too, so it takes me hours. Hurrah.

Facists and ghosts

I've got a new coat, well actually I suppose a light casual jacket would be more accurate. I am incredibly pleased with it. A while ago I was filled with a burning urge to get something new, double breasted and a bit adventurous.

Not adventurous as in made out of feathers and leather but as in the sort of thing that a chap could wear on an adventure while fighting mummies or discovering lost cities full of gold.

Think sepia tinted action hero, that's the sort of garb I was hunting around for. A jacket that would imply that this chap probably has a penknife and maybe even a tinder box. The sort of fellow that would be good in a bind, especially if it involved the supernatural and Nazis.

I don't often battle fascists and ghosts, but it's only a matter of time now that I've got this coat. I suppose the next step is to find a suitable, hilarious sidekick. Any takers?

Do you speak Corporate?

I've been at this company for a while now, large companies are alien and strange places. It's not just that there are different rules, it's like working in a different country. There are people who have jobs that I just can't fathom, and yet they are incredibly powerful.

There is a football pitch outside the office, with a sign on it that says 'no ball games'. Actually it's even better than that. Someone injured themselves in the indoor football pitch and so well. This is an actual email sent around.

'Dear All

Due to another injury within the sports hall today we are temporarily banning all indoor football activity until further notice. We shall be reviewing all risk assessments and procedures in place and I shall update you accordingly.

regards,

X'

On Friday we had a test of a new alarm system for things that were bad, but weren't fires. We have a fire alarm which is tested often.

Actually it went off for real last week and everyone had to leave because thick, milky smoke filled the building. A fire you'd think, right? No actually, the source of the smoke has still not been found. We had an email about that. 'We don't know what caused the fire, or what it was'.

How can you not manage to find a fire?

Anyway, this new not-fire alarm is for things like bombs. Yes they mentioned bombs in the email. How should one leave the building in the event of a bomb that one shouldn't do in the event of a fire? Do we really need two alarms?

It's a weird world out there.

Keep Calm and Carry On

I am toying with the idea of getting a custom leather jacket. One with
the image you see before you embroidered on the back, is it
embroidering with leather or just manly stitching? I'm not sure.

I think it's a great image and has just the right amount of British
pride without descending into jingoism. Also I think it's a good
message to have on the back of one's leather jacket, so people can see
it as you over-take them.

Anyway, opinion in the office is split over if this is a good idea, so
I'm asking the interspaz. Should I get this item made?

Working with dinosaurs

A bit of a trouble day at t'mill today. I was in work early, extra early in fact, for a couple of reasons. The first is that I had a motorbike on loan for a couple of days so instead of spending about an hour messing around on public transport my commute into work was 15 minutes of almost pure joy.

The second reason is because I'm in journo school this week and so I have to come in early, and leave late to make sure all my normal work gets done. This isn't the planned situation but well, let us just say that sometimes things don't work out as planned.

I don't really have a problem with it, journo school is excellent and it's only for a week but what I do have a problem is when a Dinosaur comes over and chews my ear off for no real reason.

That makes it sound more exciting than it really was. What really happened is a very 'old school journo' i.e. a functioning alcoholic who day-dreams about the era of the typewriter, ambled over and told me off about something silly.

It was silly for a few reasons.
1) I was officially 'off' because of training so it wasn't my responsibility
2) The thing he wanted to happen wasn't that important because it doesn't have that much of an affect on business.
3) It had actually happened, it just hadn't been done in a way that he could see it instantly.
4) The whole matter was sorted out before 8am because I was there early anyway.

This was bad enough, but then the dinosaur sent an email to my boss about how work wasn't getting done and it how Louche didn't seem to get the business of media. As you can imagine I was more than slightly annoyed about this.

This was especially galling as just the day before, the Dinosaur had given us an hour long lecture about how to deal with people effectively and how if you do have to say something bad to someone, say something good either side of it and never do it via email.

The group email to a range of people who could get me in trouble didn't really have much of an affect. Or at least the affect the Dinosaur wanted. My boss doesn't respect the Dinosaur and he told him, in polite corporate-political speak, that he could fudge off.

Dinosaurs don't like fudge.

Tea is better than Pandas, FACT

This is a headline you will never read in a newspaper. Why? Well not because the facts aren't there, or that the story behind such a headline isn't interesting, no. Because it wasn't was vetoed because it was too silly.

I don't understand this, I think it's an excellent headline, I'd read it, I want to read the article under it. One what basis could one compare a Panda and tea? How was this result arrived at? What does this mean for me as a tea drinker?

I'll make the headline sound even more interesting by saying fish and chips are involved. See. Now that's double tempting. Fish and Chips? Pandas? Tea? How can this be? You will never know, because I was out voted and this headline never happened. Alas, woe etc.

I'm back a the training course this week, and while it's informative and interesting I don't like it anymore. I now understand the Reynold's Defence which is handy since I've been sued more than a couple of times. I've also learned lots of useful tips on sub-editing things and a whole range of other subjects. In short every day is an interesting one and it's incredibly useful. Yet I hate it.

Why? For two reasons. We have homework and I've been away from my normal job for two days and everything is falling to pieces, again.

The homework is galling. When we are taught to do something we are instantly tested on it, in front of the teacher. This means I am most definitely getting my learn-on.

It's great. So since we are worked, really hard, under great pressure in the classroom. And considering we all have day-jobs that typically take up evening and weekend times, why give us a vast homework assignment? One pretending to be a feature that no-one will read just because? Why? Who benefits? It's not me, and it's not the Pandas.

The other reason for not liking the course, the fact that various important things aren't happening because I'm not there is, well it's annoying. While it's nice to have completely and utterly demonstrated that what you do is
important it's still a bit of a pain when you get sent terse emails because things haven't happened and you weren't even there. Also I miss my normal job, it's nice.

And yes, I've just typed this out when what I really should have been doing is working on aforementioned homework. That's not the point.

I've got lots of other interesting things to post when I've got some time including:
What happened in Paris
The secret to happiness, or at least the perfect commute to work
And why I need a bucket to say goodbye.

The life and times of an accidental master criminal

I locked myself out of my room today. Double locked. This wasn't great because, well everything was inside my room and I was outside it, wearing just a towel. I was dressed like that because I'd just taken a shower rather than using bath towels as my look for 2009.

I was outside my room. Almost naked with no way of getting in that didn't involve smashing the door down. I probably could smash the door down but it would make a mess and knowing my luck the act of smashing my cause my towel to fall off just as a flatmate got home.

Then I remembered something years ago at least 15, something I'd seen a locksmith do once when I was with some friends who were locked out. So I set about replicating what he did. I won't give the exact details, and thus give the Internet the secret to breaking into my boudoir but it involved a fizzy drink. Less than 30 seconds later and I was in my room doing a little jig. Yale lock? Pfft.

I'll have to update my C.V. now to include breaking and entering.

Perhaps I'll just stop using keys. If locks have no affect on me then there doesn't seem much point in carrying them around.

Update from the miracle world of jelly

It's all worked out. The Miracle World of jelly realised that Jeff was a bit miffed and they have done absolutely everything they can to keep him sweet. Jeff will be getting a jelly mould, and a whole range of esoteric perks have suddenly been thrown in his direction.

Jeff is pleased by this and celebrated with some bourbon creams. The end.

Jeff's Miracle World of Jelly

Let's say I have a friend called Jeff. Jeff landed a job he is very pleased with and he relocated to go there much to the annoyance of his girlfriend.

Jeff has been getting on with his work very well. Directly because of his actions jelly sales are up when the global sales of wobbly food are down, massively so.

Jeff has also made some changes to the way jelly is made so that now far more jelly is being churned out and it's the best jelly there has ever been. Jeff, and his employers know this because Jeff made some changes to blueberry jelly and then suddenly blueberry jelly sales are up 40%, in a week! Jeff feels he is making a big difference to the business. Oh and Jeff went on a trip that no-one else wanted to go on and he came back with a load of, erm jelly scoops.

As part of work at the miracle world of jelly people get jelly moulds to try out. Jeff got his job because he wrote about jelly moulds so well that he was placed higher in google than the miracle world of jelly.

When the time came were people could put in their requests for a jelly mould Jeff got very excited and asked for his dream jelly mould. A new version of it had just been released, and considering he got the job due to writing about this jelly mould he thought he had a reasonable chance of getting it. Or if not that jelly mould, probably one a bit like it. Something exciting that young chaps like Jeff like to use.

This didn't happen. Someone else, who has been at the company slightly less time than Jeff got the dream jelly mould and Jeff got given an. Well. Jeff has actually tried out this jelly mould, he tried it out last year and that it was awful. It's a sort of experimental jelly mould and it doesn't work and it's boring to use. It's as if someone had tried to design a jelly mould that has all the fun things about making jelly removed. It's useless to Jeff, worse it will be a liability to have around.

Jeff is very pissed off now. While he knows that he is lucky to even have the chance of a jelly mould he feels that he hasn't done well out of the one he has been assigned and he is so stressed about it (he has been looking forward to jelly mould day for months) that he can't sleep.

Jeff just wanted to share that with you and now he will probably be able to get some sleep. Tomorrow he is going to have a chat about seeing if he can get a different jelly mould, which is probably fairly unlikely.

School is out!

Well my first week of training is over. It's been useful but also slightly alarming. Alarming because it's shocking how quickly I regressed to being a kid again.

Today, when the teacher was out of the room I made a paper airplane with stupid, mildly offensive message on it and threw it around the class room. This caused a small paper airplane war to break out and then cease suddenly when the teacher returned but with a lot of giggling. It was just like being back at school, but with more beards.

We were reading a woman's magazine in the afternoon. It had a feature on dieting and we had to examine it for various forms of writing. The piece was well put together but the thing that made me cackle was that:

'1 in 3 women have a tempestuous relationship with food'

I just love the idea of a man having a tempestuous relationship with food. You know, he'd phone up for a take away pizza and it wouldn't return his calls.

Then a week later it would turn up at his house and demand attention before disappearing again. He'd fret over it for a while and then start ordering other foods, perhaps find one who he really liked then just as he was about to settle for the food the old one would reappear and say it was sorry and it wanted to get back together. After two hours it would cry and then run off to Crete with a dance instructor.

Pork maketh the man

There are lots of strange things magazines do, but I think my favourite thing is naming their readers. Most magazines will have an idea of who their reader is, and what they like. They then use this to work out if their readers would be interested in a story.

For example the typical reader for Zoo is called Lee. Zoo knows all sorts of things about him, and when they are working on a feature they will always think 'what would Lee think about this?'. It's a useful tool, once you get your head around it.

Today we had to work out the readers for a fictional magazine as part of a training thing. There are two sorts of readers, a lady and a man. The lady is called Lisa, she is a mum who is married but still wants to be stylish. She likes taking her children to museums and eating unusual foods when she goes out.

To pair Lisa up we had to come up with a male reader. After spending some time working out all about him, including where he went on holidays and where he shops for food, we had to come up with a name. We called him Pork.

This was making me, and my co-workers snigger all afternoon. I'm such a child.

Tom Baker and Valentine's Day

I've been in training for most of the week so far, I mention this because it's been tough training from people who seem to know what they are doing. This is a new experience for me as most of my teachers thus far have been utter berks.

This teacher sounds almost exactly like Tom Baker which makes the long lectures on various subjects rather entertaining and slightly thespy. I try not to think about if he is putting it in now or not*. The lessions are very hard, I mean really hard which I think I rather like. I'm mentally exhausted by the end of the day, but that's because it's all new.

Work, aside from training, is going well. I've had various 'effects' on the company which are positive (they are a bit dull to explain but let's just say they are a good things) and I'm still really enjoying it, possibly a bit too much.

Valentine's Day was a success. I arranged for flowers to be delivered at The Hitchcock Blonde's workplace on the Friday and then brought her a few different things which she liked, but no-where near as much as the box they came in. I'm not sure what that says about my gift buying skills.

The actual day was spent drinking wine, riding on speed boats and watching films, including Fatal attraction. It was a good day, and I think the first time I've ever had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day, so it was an entirely new experience. I might even do it again.

*Google Tom Baker and 'putting it in' to get this joke.

The joy of trudge

Well I'm still enjoying work. Which I suppose is to be expected after only a few weeks, but still it is jolly pleasant. Jolly silly, but that's a key part of appeal.

The snow attack was an interesting adventure, it got pretty bad up here. So bad that all public transport stopped running and cars were struggling so most people just didn't go to their jobs. Even with the transport issues I decided that I might as well walk into work, I don't have a net connection at home so I couldn't really work remotely and it didn't seem that far on the map.

Two hours later I arrived. It wasn't that far but trudging through knee-deep snow does slow you down a bit. It was worth the trudge though, because I was one of the few people who made it in. Everyone who actually bothered to make it into work got brought breakfast and then lunch so it was a pretty good day all in. In the evening someone gave me a lift home in their car (the roads had cleared) and so it all worked out rather splendidly.

Years ago when I worked at an awful company I walked into during a transport strike and it earned me serious brownie points and eventually a raise. Ever since I've always taken the view that it's jolly well better to come in rather than stay home.

Of course the choice to stay or go in was made easier because well, I've got nothing to do at home. The capsule wardrobe didn't include many books - well any books really - or a radio, god how I miss radio 4. I can't even listen to it on the internet either, because I don't have a connection. So as you can see a trudge into work was really just the most entertaining way to spend a day.

Apart from the Trugining there isn't much to report, I've got the classic first month-of-work-thing in that I'm as poor as a church mouse - thank goodness for cheap potatoes. After paying a couple of months in advance in rent for a flat and the like I'm broke but it's all part of the change from freelancer into human being. It should have been an easy move because I did some work for a newspaper in January but they have decided to change their payment system and so, well I'm not going to get paid for a few extra weeks what fun eh?

Given that, and another cancelled piece after I wrote it for them, which I won't get paid, I think I'm going to decline the offer of work next time they call. I know it's dangerous to turn down work but it's like a non-functioning relationship you have to say stop otherwise it will never change.

Plus it cuts into my trudging time.

Government to turn internet off at night to save power

In the latest move to conserve energy the government is going to turn off the Internet at night.

"Most people are asleep at night, so it is the most logical time to do it," said Caroline Killjoy, "I go to bed at 9pm and so I never use the Internet in the evenings so I doubt anyone else does. We will turn it on again at 9am when people get into work.

"We think we will be able to save enough energy to boil an egg, it's important to do our bit to save the planet."

The goverment has introduced this to counter-act the fact that most of the lights are left on in offices across London even when no-one is here. When we questioned Carlone Killjoy about this she made the following statement

"We looked into getting them to turn the lights off, but it's just so pretty when the banks have their lights on and anyway they said no."

Operation Mostly Goat

I'm ensconced in the new town now. It's is, well it is quite nice actually the flat is pretty good in a modest sort of way and thanks to it being 'bills included' the heating is turned up to maximum. I was uncomfortably warm last night.

It's an absolute delight not commuting so far, it really is. While I miss the Hitchcock Blonde deeply the effect on my health of getting a reasonable amount of sleep is amazing. I feel like a new man, or two new men.

Right considering this is an *ahem* borrowed internet connection I think I should sign off before I get caught.

World Economic Forum meets with Davros in Switzerland

The World Economic Forum has been discussing the global credit crisis with the leader of the Daleks. Davros is most famous for creating the murderous machines known as the Daleks but he is also a respected figure in the world of economics and finance.

"Davros isn't such a bad guy." Said a government spokesperson. "I mean he has made a few bad choices in his life but I think it's time to move on. He has a lot to offer us and after all he is no-where near as bad as Peter Mandelson and he is a lord now. Actually Lord Davros sounds rather good, we should make a note of this."

Rumours are circulating that Davros plans to create a race of machines to take over the banking sector and restore order but nothing has been confirmed. Davros declined to comment but released the following statement.

THE. ECONOMY. IS. FUCKED. ALL. BANKERS. MUST. DIE. YOU. WILL. OBEY.

Windmills of your mind

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been working so hard and travelling so much that well I've just been knackered. Here are some facts.

1) I am moving out of London. The commute to work is outrageous and it's slowly killing me. The place I'll be moving to isn't as exciting as London but is about a quarter of the price so I've rented a flat for less than the cost of my weekly train ticket. The plan is to rent a crappy place for a few months and then live somewhere lovely, like a windmill.

2) I still love my job, probably a bit too much. I mean really love it. I've even started to understand the webs of power that are in the office, all companies have them, and if anything it's rather entertaining. This one has fairly low-key political struggles which is probably due to the fact it's mostly chaps working there.

3) The Hitchcock Blonde has just insisted that item 3 is about her. We are still going out, which I think nearly makes her my longest girlfriend EVER. She was not amused by me moving away but we had a chat about it and we are going to give it a go. I then included this chat in a stand-up show which went down very well, well went down well with the audience.

4) That stand-up performance was good, but I think it will be my last. I just don't enjoy it. It might just be because unlike the other gigs I was almost supernaturally tired before I went up on stage or that there was a camera crew there but, well that's it for me and stand-up.

5) I'm going to be dragging the Hitchcock Blonde along to the London motorcycle show today. A year ago I went with H, and well it ended up having quite a far reaching effect on my life. I'm not sure it will have the same effect on The Hitchcock Blonde but I think it will at least amuse her for a while. Read about my visit to the show last year here. I just re-read it and it seems like a different world, and I had no idea I'd end up where I am now. So my advice would be, choose your trade shows wisely.

6) I really need a haircut.

Labour peers revealed to be working for Lord Voldemort

The Times revealed today that several Labour Peers were working for the Dark Lord himself. Suspicious were first raised when The Times realised that there was a Lord Snape, a name long associated with evil magic.

A complicated sting operation was organised where two journalists posing as goblins asked Lord Snape if he liked eating kittens and punching orphans. Lord Snape and his associate Lord Evil Von Bad agreed and then went on to say that yesterday they smashed a couple of windows on the way to the House of Lords, totally smoked on the bus and then ate a unicorn

When the Times printed the story Lord Snape and Lord Taylor denied the allegations and went on to say

"The statements were taken entirely out of context, we didn't sign nothing. Oh and I wasn't even there. Innit Blud"

These allegations come in the wake of previous scandals of corruption that have dogged the Labour Government in recent months. Only just before Christmas a minor party member was revealed to be a Manticore and in August of last year The chief whip was forced to resign when The Daily Mail found evidence of him raising an army of the undead to mass vote in local elections.

Credit crunch causes sales of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes to boom

Kellogg's announced record profits today, bucking the trend across the sector.

"It's been amazing," said Julie Frownmaucher, a spokesperson for Kellogg's. "It's almost entirely due to Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. We would have been posting a loss if it hadn't been for them.

Crunchy Nuts have always been a strong seller for us but we really lucked out due to the naming of the economic troubles. The 'Credit Crunch' means that we are getting name checked constantly and when people go to the supermarket they can't help but have 'crunch' in their minds.

It's been mass advertising on a huge scale, something we could never normally afford. Off the back of this we are going to launch a few new products. Reeses Recession Cups, Angel Downturn Delight and our new Bankruptcy Breakfast range."

Not everyone is enjoying such good times. Nestlé are battling hard to have the Credit Crunch renamed to the Credit Shredd, to tie in with Shreddies but with not much success.

Cyclists campaign to get buses out of bus lanes.

"They are a menace," said Crispin Peddlelot from the London Cyclist group. "These huge hulking machines fill the entire lane and chuck out tonnes of pollution. When you factor in how much congestion they cause it's amazing they are still around.

These Buses are clogging up London and they need to go. How many cyclists need to be knocked off their bikes by these horrible things before someone in the government sits up and takes notice? We need to get them out of the bus lanes now."

Crispin is leading the charge against buses but they aren't the only target.

"Once we have got rid of the buses, the next thing we want is to get people off the pavement. For far too long they have, quite literally stood in the way of cyclists and that needs to change."

Organised Crime to launch apprentice scheme

Fictional Crime Lord Don Vito Corleone has announced that the Mafia are going to start an apprentice scheme.

"Due to the credit crunch thousands of untrained workers are taking up crime without the right training or support network. We are going to help these people learn to do their new jobs well, on the job. In the modern world of crime we have to take a progressive attitude, and this means ensuring that the next generation know how to do their jobs and that they have jobs.

In an ideal environment everyone would be able to find a job as a low-level enforcer or a pimp but there just isn't the demand. We think this scheme will help people learn new skills while the economy is in trouble. And of course if it doesn't work, forget about it."

'Razor Thumbs' Coleman, of the muggers support group welcomed the news.

"Traditional forms of crime are being pushed out by modern high-tech crime which is often farmed out to foreign countries. We understand that there are market pressures and it's very hard to compete with the far East when it comes to price, but we also think it is possible to be competitive and provide much needed local jobs.

The neighbourhood burglar used to be a key part of the community. I can remember when every small village had a brothel and somewhere you could get the plates on a car swapped over, but that's all gone now. It's very sad."

Update, contains actual facts.

I have some explaining to do. I started posting nonsense because I had no news, and well there are only so many times a chap can post about how he is waiting. So instead of that I posted a silly entirely fictional story about Robert Mugabe.

This fictional story got picked up by a few news websites as fact, which is a testament to how automatically syndicating news from blogs can be a bad idea. Anyway flush with the success of the Mugabe story, I posted a few more. The one about liberal democrats dying out also got picked up my a few other environment websites as news.

Silly chaps eh?

Anyway, in the future I think I’ll post more nonsense stories as they seem to go down well. Flights of fancy aside I did get the news I wanted and I’ll be starting the new job on Monday. The job I wanted. Hurrah! I can’t wait, I really can’t as it ever since I got the confirmation I’ve had a bit of trouble sleeping at nights because if I think about going to work I get all excited and get into ideas mode which is very different from sleep mode.

I need to go flat hunting now, which is a bore but rather important as I’m sofa surfing at the moment. I need somewhere reasonably near to King’s Cross but with somewhere to store a motorcycle so it’s quite a specific requirement. I think one of those lovely Mews houses is the best bet, one just like my friend had but sadly that’s already gone to someone else. Blast. Still I’m sure something will come along, these things do tend to always work out.

To mark the occasion of a new job and in many ways, a new start I went and brought a smashing new coat and due to the almost total collapse of the retail sector I got it for an absolute steal. Hurrah for economic collapse.

Gordon Brown admits 'size was a factor' with Heathrow expansion

In a surprisingly candid interview Gordon Brown has admitted that wanting the biggest airport was a factor in the approved expansion of Heathrow.

"Sarkozy was going on about how big his airport was and how it helped him land this totally hot wife. I got a spam email about expanding my girth to impress the ladies and suddenly it all became clear.

If I really wanted to satisfy the people, and by people I mean sexy birds, I'd need the longest schlong, *ahem* I mean runway. While I understand there will be environmental concerns about this we shouldn't over look the fact that I'll be able to brag to almost every leader in Europe about how big my airports are. I think we can all agree that rocks. IN YOUR FACE SARKOZY"

Andy Wobblet, The spokesperson of the Union of the Sellers of Toblerone and Travel Plug sets had this to say.

"While we realise that most of the people travelling through the expanded airport won't actually help the British economy in the slightest they will be brilliant for us. This expansion will help support 3,000 jobs in the Toblerone mines in Switzerland and ensure the future of the people who make those funny little plug things. Basically anyone with a shop outside Heathrow airport is going to be fucked."

Andy Wobblet isn't the only person to realise this. Sir Phillip Green, head of a load of shops has put forward the following plan.

"The high street as we know it is dead, and so we have made the bold decision to move our entire selection of shops inside Heathrow. We have to move with the times, and this means putting 100% of our retail sites inside Terminal 6"

Mohammed Alfied, owner of Harrods is also said to be seriously considering relocating the iconic London store inside Terminal 6. He declined to comment but a subsidery of his, Tacky Inc is said to be lobbying the government to expand Heathrow to include Knightsbridge.

(this post might be a lie)