Hike 1 - Louche 0

That was quite a walk, 8 miles in the mud. It was like the Somme at some points. Even the dog was knackered afterwards. It took a couple of hours, and by the end of it was broken. I was so tired I just wanted to lie down by the side of the road and die.

It was brilliant, I'm going to do it again next weekend. Nothing like a bit of wholesome exhaustion to cheer a chap up. Plus this gives me something to do at the weekend to keep fit in a different way.

The pub quiz was good too, or at least so bad it was good. The questions were mental, and some of them were trick questions. The git. Still you can't beat a good pub quiz. I love the mixture of blank expressions and whispering as people try and work out the answers. The questions were a bit mental though, who knows the last four arch-bishops of Canterbury before the current one? Mental.

Talking of mental, while on the pub quiz Chuck sent me a text. It just said 'I saw you today'. What is up with her?

The office party.

The office party was more like a trip to a nightclub than a party. The company is far bigger than I expected. Clearly I need to explore the other floors a bit more. There were a lot of people I didn't recognise - also girls seem to dress up a lot more for these things than the boys do. The chaps were just wearing normal work gear, where as the women were dolled up to the nines.

The nightclub was in an old library so it was a pleasantly pretty building. We were armed with 5 tokens to buy drinks and then we would be on our own. I caught up with a few people I hadn't seen in a while, including another person from the journalism training course who is now leaving. He was in good salts, defiant and full of vigor thanks to leaving.

The rest of the evening was fun, bouncing around from group to group of chums talking about all sorts of things. I chatted to the girl in HR (Tall, dark hair, great sense of humour) who I'm going to be working with in a few weeks and even danced for a bit. The music was awful but when needs must. I left at about midnight and in an excellent mood.

The next day I was off to Panto with Pencil skirt and the rest of the London lot.

Coffee with Chuck

I went for coffee with Chuck. It was her suggestion. It's the festive season and I was feeling pretty planted. By planted I mean that I have completely an utterly moved on and I couldn't give a damn what happens to her either way.

Given that I thought it was a pretty low risk activity. I was right and wrong.

The coffee ended up being a drink because it was late. It wasn't awkward, it was okay, or at least it started that way. We caught up in a slightly stilted way, polite as always. There was quite a lot of needless touching going on by her, far too much. Do you really need to sit on someones lap to show them a magazine?

Then she invited herself back for port and cheese. Again more touching, by her, not by me.

I'd picked up the hint that she had intentions on me, but I was having absolutely none of it. Eventually it was time for her to leave and she was slightly taken aback when she asked if I wanted her to stay. I said it was up to her, and that I would make up the spare bed. She was shocked.

She was amazed that I didn't want to sleep with her. This shock lasted a while, then after a short Alan Bennett style bit of dialogue she stormed off into the night. She was genuinely amazed that I didn't want to do anything naughty with her, or go out with her again. I suppose pretty girls don't get that very much.

Anyway, I think the whole Chuck affair is finally over. It had its moments but it's for the best.

Learning about pain

I hurt. A lot. If anything it's getting worse. About to able down to local GP for a House style examination of why I'm so hurty. It's pain-tabulous.

I'm not sure why it is getting worse but something that happens while I'm asleep - which could be as simple as lying on my back - means I wake up not feeling too chipper.

It is lame. I could do without this.

The crash wasn't my only stupid thing I did this week, while spaced out on painkillers and wine it suddenly seemed to be like a good idea to go for a drink with Chuck. It was her idea I should add. It was actually quite entertaining, and yet it definitely proof that I'm over her. She is far too mad for me. Far too mad. This didn't stop us kissing, oh god I'm such a spaz sometimes.

In other women news the girl I had a couple of dates with last week email me to say she couldn't see me anymore. It was actually very nice of her. Tell you what, since the best blog are about truth, I will post the Dear John letter.

'Hey Louche,

How's things? I just wanted to write you and explain my somewhat erratic behavior this weekend. The night before we went out this guy who is a close friend whom I've been interested in for a long time told me he broke up with his girlfriend because he likes me. This came as a complete shock to me because I really didn't think that was ever going to happen. I think you're a really awesome..and hysterically funny...guy and I'm sorry that I can't go out with you any longer. Anyways, I hope you don't mind too much. It was really great to meet you. Hope your birthday goes well!

Cheers,

NYC Girl'

So there you go, it's been quite an eventful week.

The madness of Chuck

Today was long and slow. This is because I had almost no sleep (my fault). Silly Louche. So I had to slog through the day just trying to hold it together until I could get home and go to bed. I need to pick out my look for tomorrow, but that shouldn't take long.

Chuck emailed me today to apologise for 'nearly banging your door down'. So not just a load of text messages but also smashing on the door. Lawks, that's borderline frightening.

The upshot of this is that I'm going to shave off the Elvis style sideburns, they are just too potent. I'm not ready for this level of responsibility.

P.S. Why do some women act like this? I mean she really 'had me' for a while and then she very thoroughly smashed me to pieces. I've moved on and now she wants attention?

Resisting Elvis

This weekend was surprising. I was dreading going to Skegness. A depressing holiday camp near the sea but not on it. There is nothing to do there apart from eat rubbish food and drink. I wasn't looking forward to it. I think the main problem is that event is organised by people who don't ride motorbikes so they don't get what is fun about bikes.

Anyway, we arrived, got very drunk danced like loons, talked to girls and some of the group did some light vomiting. What was actually quite good fun. I had my own holiday apartment so I could retreat from the party at will. Which was nice because the other apartment was like a zoo.

The second day involved some light duties (riding about and then judging something) before it was time to become Elvis. I spent ages shaving to get Elvis sideburns and then finally it was time to get into costume. The jumpsuit was very cool, as it not warm in the slightest. It always was rather revealing, but was silly and that's what counts.

We scampered out into the night, with one person dropping out before we even got into a club because he had drunk so much while getting ready. The entire club was full of people in costumes, and I had a good time dancing away.

Then Chuck appeared, I of course was civil yet distant and we spoke briefly about things of no concequence before our groups moved to different night clubs. I briefly saw her again later in the night but we didn't talk. I didn't think much of it apart from being pleased that I'd managed to be civil.

Finally I went home and crashed asleep and when I woke up I had two 'booty text' from Chuck. I had a bet with someone at work that she would try something like this, I even got the hour right. Girls are so rubbish sometimes.

I didn't reply to the text messages, I don't to any of the ones she sends me, but I expect I'll get an email about it today. With emails I reply to anything work related but everything else is ignored. In a way I feel sorry for her, it must be hard to resist Elvis.

On the plus side she did mention she is leaving in November so that's great news. And I have a first date tomorrow in London. I'm not sure quite what I'm going to do with transport. If I ride down it will be far quicker and easier but I can't drink, but riding means I don't have to worry about the last train or any of that nonsense.

Steak night

So I should probably explain a bit more about what happened on the evening when I saw Chuck. She was emailing me about work stuff and I was keeping it 100% formal and work related. This threw her a bit, so much so that she asked if we could go for a drink after work.

After thinking about it very carefully I agreed to go for an orange juice before I went to the gym. I was wearing the wonder tie at the time so I was feeling safe.

I arrived slightly late, with my gym bag over my shoulder. I would say my attitude was cool, perhaps even frosty. I was there out of curiosity, I think.

Anyway she started talking about stuff, and fairly quickly got into apologising. She also revealed that she wasn't stressed about work, she was stressed about us breaking up. It was nice to hear her say sorry, I didn't expect that.

The point at which I thought perhaps it was worth giving it another go was when she said she had been wearing the silly rings I gave her (the pirate one and the butterfly one) on her building pass. I asked to see it, and yes the rings were on it.

That was a very sweet touch, and for that I agreed to give it another try. We're not fixed yet. I think it's like an Airfix model that has gone a bit wonky. It's not mended, but we know where the glue is.

Yes that's about it for now. No dates are planned or anything like that, but we have an accord, like a non-aggression patch.

In other news I cooked a steak this weekend and it was double aces. I've decided that Chinese Night is dead, long live Steak Night!

Chuckgate (continued)

I had thought Chuckgate was over, another sad moment in a life that will in time be turned into an amusing anecdote, but I was wrong.

The moving on process had begun, I ditched a load of stuff, cleared out my phone and then I updated my Facebooks status, well actually I was fiddling with it to see about blocking people, like Chuck so that they don't see what I'm up to. In hindsight I should have just de-friended her but I thought the privacy settings would be enough. I was wrong.

I updated my status to being single, which I thought was, well to be expected really and she sent me a frantic email at work about it asking what was going on. She sounded really hurt, and again I'm baffled. If someone does everything they can to push you away, why should they expect you to stick around? If the answer is 'because they are women' well, I'm joining the gays.

Aside from that not much else to report, I've become an almost full time gym bunny but since I go to deal with stress I think you can draw a fairly simple conclusion from my daily visits there to exhaust myself.

It's weird though, since I've stopped fighting for Chuck's attentions I'm happier than I've been in months. It was weirdly stressful in the latter stages because I never knew where I stood with her. Oh bum, now I need to go to the gym again.

I've seen this all before.

Chuck emailed me twice today, and then sent me a text message late at night. She was acting as if we hadn't had several very unpleasant phone calls. Behavior like this is just so predictable. Now that I know that she is doing an A I could show how the next few months is going to work out with a map. It would be boring if it wasn't so tragic.

People at work have remarked how happier I seem, and I am because I have a bit of certainty in my life again. I like knowing how I stand with people, and if the result is negative at least that's a result. I'm not sure if this makes me a bit mad or just a pragmatist.

It was an office affair that got out of hand, that's all. I thought for a while it was something else but affairs like this are relationship equivalent of smack. They are consuming and in the middle of it you forget everything else. When you stop and look around you realise your life is in tatters and you weren't even you anymore.

On the plus side, if I am doomed to repeat myself I'll meet a fiery Latina next. So I should probably dig out my Spanish books again.

The healing power of chainsaws.

I went to Devon, well actually I went to London first and then to Devon. I could have got the train to London but I decided to ride down on the bike and then across to Devon, using London as a handy half-way stop to break the journey up.

London was fun as always, it reminded me again what I miss about it. I think I would have a different opinion of London if I lived in a lovely cottage somewhere but since I live in a sort of sub-Peckham type area it's looking pretty good right now.

It was fun visiting the London office, it's where magazines that *everyone* has heard of are made, international brands. They are the fun names, and I'm sure they get invited to some great parties but their offices are pretty dull. Or perhaps I only ever visit during quiet times when everyone is hungover and wants to die.

After the meeting I was taken out for lunch by the chap who invited me down and then I shot across London to meet a chum and talk TV show ideas. I pitched a couple more and then went the other way across London to Devon. Crossing greater London was fun, although I still felt a bit wrong filtering past a police car. The outer regions were less so, it just went on forever and ended up taking about four hours to get home - about the same time it takes to go direct.

I was delighted to be back and sat down with my Mum and talked about everything that had been going on. This helped me reach the conclusion that Chuck was very much messing with my head and being awfully strange. While I had done some silly things, it was nothing to justify this level of behavior. In short, everything was based around the fact that I dared say 'no' to her once.

The rest of the weekend was spent going on long bracing walks at the seaside, chopping things up with axes and chainsaws and eating cakes. There really is nothing like a bit of work with a chainsaw to lift a chap's mood

I felt much better afterwards but on returning to Peterborough my mood has lowered a little bit. I think I need to re-arrange my room to make it different and I'll definitely be clearing my desk at work today - it's littered with ticket and things from when we dated.

I'm sad that the relationship is over, there were some absolutely lovely bits, there really were, but I'm more sad that I managed to get myself in a situation with someone almost exactly like A, again. The similarities between the two are actually a bit alarming. It's like there is some factory churning them out. I can't decide if I'd like to visit that factory or not.

On the plus side, I'm good at getting over people. I dug out my smoking jacket, and lucky brogues so I'll be fine in before you can say 'party circuit'.

The Tempest

Life really does appear to be circular. I sometimes think we are doomed, or blessed to relive the same situations again and again. I mention this because while the date with Chuck last night was lovely and wonderful it reminded me of dating A.

Yes A, the girl at work from a few years ago who I allowed myself to get messed around by so much. Chuck even looks faintly like her, well not exactly but she has the same colouring. Understandably this troubles me.

The date was lovely. I picked her up on my bike, we zoomed over to the outdoor theatre in the grounds of a stately pile. We just had enough time for a quick Pimms before taking our seats. The production was excellent, the performers were good in a thespy way and the set design was just the right side of well made. In that you could see the joins but it just made it more real.

I've never seen the Tempest before so I enjoyed not knowing what was going to happen next and so I feared for the characters from one moment to the next and was completely and utterly caught up in it. Chuck would occasionally whisper things in my ear, in a ridiculously breathy way which made my spine tingle and the whole experience was lovely. It really was.

Then I gave her a lift home, going extra slowly for safety and we parted with a chaste peck on the lips. I asked her when I could see her again, and she said 'lets play it by ear'. I was under instructions to text her when I got home, which I did and we exchanged a few more texts before I fell asleep. It was nice.

It was also horrible, because it seemed wrong. I do understand that I clearly said exactly the wrong thing just before going on holiday and that was very badTM and I had done a couple of silly things before then, which were also very badTM but I didn't do them to be bad. My intentions were either honourable, I was trying to talk about my feelings on a deeper level than I ever had before or talking about something that was bothering me. I'm just not very good at grown up relationships so occasionally I say something in a way that is less elegant than it should be.

And so after the day of the very badTM thing, I went on holiday and while I was away Chuck went on some dates and yet when I returned I was the bad person who got dumped? She said she spent the dates talking about me but still it feels wrong. I've said sorry for what I did, and I understand what was wrong about what I did but it hasn't satisfied her.

I've battled for Chucks attentions once before from another chap, I didn't feel good about it and I just don't want to go through that again. I just don't know if that is a a reasonable expectation. I get the impression that she wants me to fight for her again as some sort of punitive course but if she is going to see other chaps then, well, I don't want any part of that.

re-reading this post it's hard to make her sound nice, she is nice, or at least she was when I first met her. I wish I had blogged more of our few weeks of dating because they really were magical.

I can't believe I've got myself into this situation again.

Good Egg, Bad Egg

I tend to see things in one of two ways. I'm a black and white sort of chap. People are either good eggs or bad eggs, you don't get, well Curate's Eggs in my mind. Although I suppose a Curate's Egg isn't quite right either.

I think perhaps, or actually since talking to a good friend, I know this isn't ideal. It's a simplified vision of the world. People are complicated, life is complicated.

I've also had the whole girlfriend thing explained to me by the same friend, and I now know that if I'd just talked to her say four weeks ago, none of this would have ever happened. I get it.

People date at different speeds, it's as simple as that. I don't know why I couldn't see it before but I get it now. Of course this isn't a silver bullet, which is why at 3am I'm on the interspaz writing gibberish instead of being asleep.

Needless to say it's a bit of a tough time over at Chez Louche at the moment.

Oh and in 'amusing only because it happened to someone other than you' news. My boss had a meeting with me today to ask me if I was Dyslexic. A combination of jet-lag and Chuck related issues had caused me to include a couple of spelling mistakes something I wrote and so now at work they think I'm Dyslexic.

I did explain the situation, apart from the Chuck bit, so perhaps they get it now.

Confucius say 'girls are trouble'

Chuck emailed me today. It was about the tickets to see Shakespeare that had been booked months ago. We were supposed to go on Thursday but she has a friend coming up, so she wondered if I fancied going on Wednesday.

I didn't even think we were going anymore because of Sunday night but, well, I don't know. Anyway, we agreed on Wednesday and I thought I wouldn't hear from her until then, but she emailed me again.

And again, asking about how my day was going and letting me know she didn't sleep well last night either. How am I supposed to reply to that 'well it's your fault' or perhaps 'good'?

I am lost as to wait to do or say. I think I'd like to get back together with her, but I don't want to encourage this sort of behavior - me as this demon figure - when while I said something silly I didn't go on any dates while I was away.

Oh look she is phoning. She called to see if I was okay, this was good. We talked about some stuff, this also good. I was a bit distant because I'm so confused, and then we started talking about the less good stuff. This I think was a good thing because, well it needs talking about.

We discussed each other's positions (trying to gain a bit of empathy) and, for a moment I thought we were making progress and then it went all wrong, again over a chance remark.

I'd say I'm decidedly less inclined to want things to work at this point, this may change when I've had some sleep but for now.

Girls are trouble.

In which we discuss the affect of stress on Chuck relations

I've been getting pretty stressed at work. There is a lot of pressure on me, from a few different angles. There are people who have to do work for me, but who consider it beneath them, and there are other people who want me to fail for political reasons. This is quite tiring and can get a chap down.

Add to this my background level of stress, I think in a big part to never really saying goodbye to my dad and you have a terribly stressed Louche. It's been affecting other things too, important things like my relationships. This is not good.

Some days I'd come back from work extremely stressed, so stressed that it would take me a while to unwind and that would get Chuck all worked up. If I don't calm down it's going to destroy our relationship and that is just not on. I'd hate for that to happen.

The thing is, Chuck is very special and we've already had grown up conversations about 'where this is going' and stuff like that. I've never had one of those before, usually I just run away. I don't want to lose this one, which is why I have plans for my trip to America.

Louche and Chuck go for a ride.

After being spotted by the work person the day rather lost it's sparkle. This chap was a bit of a gossip, who had previously asked Chuck out on a date. The look on his face at discovering us together was absolute delight.

I was ruined, she had to go and have her hair done and so we parted ways after coming up with a reasonable excuse as to why we had met for coffee.

'Ho-hum' I thought, actually, I think I thought 'blimes'.

It had been a bit of a blimey weekend. I was also a bit annoyed with myself, I was supposed to be testing motorbikes, and I'd also been given a stupidly fast motorbike for the weekend so I could have been messing about on that.

Instead I was ruined, and so I went back to bed. Leaving the motorbike in my back garden as a reminder of why chaps should stay sober. It was the sort of bike that if you aren't absolutely, and totally focused will kill you in a moment. I was a bit peeved that I wasn't in a suitable state to ride it.

On Sunday (once I'd recovered) I met up with a chum from work for a ride out and for Sunday lunch with his family. This chap is my best friend at work and he asked me why I was in such a state on Saturday to miss out riding bikes. I lied at first, and then felt beastly.

So when we were in the workshop tinkering away with bikes before we went out for a ride, I revealed the truth. He was almost as shocked as I was.

We went for a ride out together, and swapped bikes for a bit of fun. On the way back we even stopped at an American Style diner for milkshakes. While we were drinking these I got a text message from Chuck. She wanted to meet up.

I ate supper with the chum, his family are lovely and then got on the bike to get back to meet up with Chuck. Now normally I'm a pretty conservative rider, very considered even. That ride was not considered. I was the devil on two wheels. I halved my previous best time for getting home.

I arrived a Chuck's house still tingling from the ride, she pulled on a helmet I hadborrowed and we set off together. This was the first time I'd ever had a girl on the back of a motorbike. I rather liked it.

We dropped the bike off at the flat and then went into town in search of food. I had no idea what I was doing, or what was going on but I couldn't wait to see what happened next.

Hello Chuck

There is a girl. I am going to call her Chuck because she reminds me in many ways of the character from Pushing Daisies.

She works in the same building as me. We had exchanged pleasantries before, in that vague sort of office way. Suddenly last week, for reasons I still don't fully understand we resolved to meet for a drink outside of work. It was more her idea than mine, but if someone like Chuck asks you out for drinks you jolly well go along.

Also because it was someone like Chuck, I wore a tweed suit to meet her. I live in a very rough area, I think it wouldn't be an understatement to say it's like the set from the Wire. Perhaps not the idea place to wear a tweed suit, but evidently smashing vintage tweed garners respect in the hood, I was fine.

I made it to the bar we were meeting in a little late. I was wearing brogues and clopping across town as fast as I could but there are limits to how hard you should push yourself, especially on a hot day while wearing a pink shirt. Well if you are going to wear tweed, there is no point in being half-hearted.

This drink in the bar was our first meeting outside of work. So I wasn't sure what it would be like. When I first saw her the sparkle in her eye when she saw me, it suggested that this wasn't quite the innocent drink after work we were both pretending it was.

We started with a reasonable bottle of Merlot, which evolved into another and then before I knew it we were taking supper in the restaurant. I ate the worst risotto I'd ever paid £15 for, it would have been the worst risotto ever but I'd had an even worse one in the work canteen earlier in the week. It was horrific, but for £2.50 you could forgive it, a bit.

The risotto was awful but by this point we had drunk enough wine to not care too much. We retired back to the bar and tried to secure some more drinks, we failed. Even Chuck's local celebrity status (more on this later) couldn't get us just one more gin and tonic for the road.

It was at around this point, and yet again for reasons I don't quite understand, we kissed. My memories of this moment are shrouded in a fug of booze and endorphins but I can remember the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

Eventually we left the bar, having engaged in a frankly shameful amount of kissing and stumbled out into the cool night air. Actually it wasn't cool, it was freezing.

Almost instantly a cab appeared. I said she should get in it and go home. She said she didn't want to. I insisted, Chuck had a boyfriend you see. I said that I liked her, and because I liked her she should go home. This turned into a monologue about doing the right thing if you really like someone, it was as much for my benefit as for hers.

It was appreciated but had almost exactly the opposite affect to the one I was expecting. Chuck walked home, through a war zone to visit my flat.

We drank Champagne and talked nonsense and then, at about 4am it was time for bed. I explained that nothing naughty was going to happen because of her situation. She borrowed some clothes off me, I left the room so she could change.

She kept trying to break my resolve to do something that would require more than a PG certificate. I refused, again and again. Hoping that in years to come I wouldn't come to regret this. It might have been the right thing to do, but it wasn't the most fun.

In the morning I made us coffee and we drank it with apricot jam on toast. I didn't eat that much because I was still feeling a bit unusual from the drinking excess of the night before. I was so drunk I had to cancel a morning appointment to ride a motorbike.

After a light breakfast, we made our way into to town. We had a coffee, and as is the way of these things, were spotted by someone from work.

TO BE CONTINUED...