Sunday, December 31, 2006

Oh and before I forget

I heard two great things last night.

1)There is a scientifically proven relationship between short trousers and schizophrenia, fear the man in poorly sized trousers.

2)I got talking to a Doctor who had been in A&E earlier that evening with a lady who tried to kill herself with a syringe used for goats filled with lavender oil, in the groin. Think about that for a while, pay special attention to the words, goat, lavender oil and groin.

Crimble, billiards and letting go.

Christmas was ace, I ate more than my fair share, wallowed around in front of roaring fires and got a lovely new scarf. Get in.

I'm currently writing this from Norwich, I was invited up to spend New Year's Eve with a girl. She has the most beautiful flat in the world, it's a converted mill and outside my window is canal. Some people I know are horribly together. We've spent most of the weekend lounging around and then shopping. It's a jolly good combination.

Last night we drank four bottles of champagne and then ended up playing strip billiards. I won. Sadly just at the point when things nearly got decidedly interesting the girl started talking about her ex who she isn't over yet, it was two and a half years ago that it ended.

Girls are rubbish sometimes, I mean can't a chap enjoy a wholesome game of strip billiards with out the girl getting all melancholy? It's enough to turn a chap gay.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


Last night I went a friend’s house and it was lovely. She has a beautiful flat in Wimbledon with cream carpets and that special sort of decorating that has hardly anything in any of the rooms but by Jove you know the items that are there are very carefully chosen. I felt that I should have worn a tie just to cross the threshold.

We drank vats of mulled wine, then went to the pub for pints of Guinness and then back to the flat for more wine and a bit of whisky. I’ve never been a whisky drinker but there was something nice about drinking something that is older than you are. We talked about all sorts of things, but mostly about our mutual friend B who we both adore and my friend, who I introduced her to, who then acted like a real cad. Honestly, some men make me feel guilty for being on the same team

We talked all sorts of nonsense and the real gem was Breadsticks.

I said that for me love was being with someone that you can wake up by sticking a breadstick up their nose. They would be annoyed and chase you just enough to make you collapse in to fits of giggles while they cover you in jam as revenge.

That’s what love is, breadsticks.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


I heard back from the Publisher yesterday, she loved what I sent over! It needs a bit of tweaking on some sections but it's all very good.

How did I mark this special occasion? By going to a friends house who was ill and feeding her soup and honey tea. Morally I should have been getting trashed on champagne and dancing around on tables but instead I was force-feeding clementines to someone and re-arranging pillows.

Still there is always tonight...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Time is passing.

Yes, I've been rubbish. I've been late, and honestly I just haven't been giving this blog the care and the attention it deserves. I'm sorry.

So what is new with me? It's party season so almost every night I've been out at one bash or another including some very ill-advised singing and also an encounter with someone that really shouldn't have happened. In my defence Y tu mamá también was on the telly and I had drunk far, far too much mulled wine

And if Christmas isn't the time for ill-advised sexual encounters then when is?

Apart from that there hasn't been much of note, I've sent over a load of stuff to the publisher so I'm waiting to hear back from them. It's a bit like when you hand your homework in at school, except in this case I actually care about getting a good mark. Yup, I've always been a rebel.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Strange times, and Amy.

I just spoke to my flatmate, he was in the Millenium Bar with Alexander Livtienko so he has spent the last week talking to the Health Protection Agency to see if he needs to be tested for radiation poisoning. He has all sorts of exciting letters assuring him that he isn't going to die.

He can remember bumping in to a very rude Russian chap in the bar but was rather busy enjoying his food rather than looking out for spy related activity in pubs.

Speaking of pubs, last night I saw Amy Winehouse, she was in Camden with us. Sadly I didn't talk to her, she was surrounded by a wall of people with bad hair and I was with friends so I couldn't really abandon them. But I have seen her in the flesh at least, she is tiny and rather gorgeous. Which is exactly the opposite of what I expected.

The poor lamb must have had a bit of a cold and a dicky stomach as she had the sniffles and was in an out of the loo all evening. I'm sure she will be be about some more, hopefully feeling a bit better.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Look it's really me

My new suit is amazing, so amazing that I think the people of the internet need to see it. This is going to 'out me', but I think it is worth it - you need to see these clothes.

Anyway, so this is me, and my suit.

I'm back

Yes, I know it has been a while but it was quite a trip. I hired a car (Which is excellent fun, I'd recommend it to anyone) and zoomed down to East Bourne for the wetting of a babies head. I stopped on the way to pick up a girl 'IP' (not quite in that way) in Croydon who ended up joining me on part of the adventure.

In East Bourne we met up with a load of my Brightonian pals and the new father. He was very jolly if a little tired looking and we drank suitable amounts of booze while talking nonsense. It's a bit strange to have one of my male counter-parts, who was wonderfully irresponsible become a grown up.

We drank a lot and then retired to The Bear's house for a bit more booze. I crashed out at some point in the morning mid way through watching a film with IP. We retired to our respective bedrooms (Bear has a very large, very nice house full of suits of armour and battle axes) for the evening.
Sadly Bear had to go off to work the next day IP and I were left alone watching films and eating toast. At about lunch time I set off for stage two of my quest, dropping IP off at a nearby train station.

The drive to Devon was fairly long but not too bad, I've done a lot of long distance driving and it didn't involve any strange mountains or dangers so it was quite calming really. I arrived at my mothers house at around 6pm and the relaxing section of my holiday began. I ate well, spent time with geese, dogs, ducks and cats and enjoyed not thinking too much. I also picked up a marvelous new suit (more on this later)

After a few days the time had come to visit my estranged father in Wales. This drive was a bit more tricky as I had only done it once before and then my little brother had been navigating. Surprisingly, I didn't get lost in the slightest. My father lives on a the top of a hill, down an extremely long, muddy track. It's so remote it makes the Overlook seem like a trendy boutique hotel in the heart of the city. He's house is ramshackle place full of goats and a very large dog, wind swept and faintly reminiscent of the village in Borat.

The meeting with my father was fraught, we don't really have a relationship and he isn't going to be around for very long so we have to have something, although what it may be is hard to say. We went for a drive in his car, it was supposed to be a visit to a Gold Mine ( I requested some quality time) but the mine was closed so it was a tour of Wales in a small car with a brief visit to the Irish sea.

It was weird, but okay really. I started to get a bit stressed half way through it but some how the rolling waves of the Irish Sea smashing on the black rocks of Wales was strangely calming. After that it got a bit better. I went back to his house and his new wife cooked us a rather good meal while my dad and I had a slightly terse conversation about work and things.

The tough part was reading a Macmillan book about dealing with cancer, it had a section on things to do when the end is near that was very troubling - that caused some tricky moments. Then I went to bed. I left early the next morning with out any breakfast (my choice) and set off on my way.

It was a quite harrowing experience but I had to do it. Hopefully it will be easier next time.

After that I visited an old flame and helped her decorate which was lovely. This old flame, lets call her K used to be an adult actress but is now retraining to be a plumber. I've never been one for DIY but it was really nice painting and talking, I'd recommend it as a date. You are doing something that is involving and it lends it self very well to polite talking. We chatted about all sorts of things, she revealed some real secrets to me. It was a nice way to spend a day and just about distracting enough to forget the other things.

We were painting till about 2am and then we retired to her bed on the understanding that nothing was going to happen. I don't think I've ever shared a bed with someone and been so careful about not touching them, it was positively Victorian. It was a fairly good nights sleep, we both had subtle notes of fresh paint in our hair but that rather added to the experience. The next morning I had a cup of tea and left for work (who were having a bit of a thing and needed me).

K looked lovely in the morning, I'd like to say right now that I think women look at their best when they are slightly blurry eyed when they rise. This goes for all women, the fluffy hair and slight air of lovable helplessness is very beguiling.

Work was manic when I arrived, it was like the end of days. I was stressed and looking rather rough as I had stopped at my flat only to drop off my suitcase, get a parking ticket and then take the hire car back.

It was a hard day, but it had been quite a week.