Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The meaning of roses.

This week's flowers are roses. They are very lovely orange ones, with slightly darker edges as if they have been lightly played over with a blow-torch. They are jolly thirsty plants, I've never encountered flowers with such an desire for water - of course I could just have a leak in my vase. I'm trying to become better with flowers, cut ones are okay because you get to throw them away after a week so it's not that hard to keep them alive.

I've been looking up what different flowers mean, sadly hardly anyone speaks flower these days. Orange roses mean facination, and the plethora of leaves surrounding them signify hope which seems a bit apt as I have supper with A on Thursday. Part of me is thinking that I need a dramatic ending for the book I am working on which is why I'm doing it, and the other part is laughing at that lie. If you can't fool yourself who can you fool eh?

In other news I'm meeting a potential agent tomorrow so I need to think jolly carefully about what I'm going to wear, it needs to be foppish of course but also suitable for work. Velvet seems logical but which items?

Monday, October 30, 2006

Sad face.

I realised something today, I've known it for a while but today was the point at which it seemed real.

Someone I really like is leaving the country, this is a someone who has been an amazing friend and confidant through so many misadventures with women. She has listened through the whole cycle of 'I've met this girl', through 'She is lovely I want to see her all the time' to 'She is dead to my eyes, lets never speak of her again' and has just been there for me.

It's because of her straight talking no-nonsense that I finally got off my arse and went and saw a therapist about my father related issues. She is the one that made me go for it when I was thinking about doing a book. She has been my moral compas on many issues, even if it has been 'find out what she thinks and do the opposite'

I don't even mind if she calls me a hippy.

And now she is going away, and I'm going to be sad. I'm going to wear black and everything.

Sunday, October 29, 2006


Today I went to the Heath with a friend and her lovely puppy, Scrabble. He is adorable and had an amazing effect on the people we met, it was amazing who came up to us to talk to him. I'm allowed to borrow Scrabble at weekends, so I think I may take him for a walk next weekend just too meet girls.

Look at his little face, Awwwwwwwwwww.


I went to the Vampire party, it was brilliant. Girls in lingerie, dressing up and vast amounts of booze always are good. And, when you bump into the Ice Queen when you didn't think she was going you know the evening is on to a winner. It was lovely to see her again but that isn't the only interesting event of the evening.

Oh no.

The new sales chap snogged someone he really shouldn't have - a friend of mine and I know her boyfriend very well. Should I tell him?. Also the old sales chap (the prat) was getting very close with A's sister (who has a thing for Aussie guys who treat girls like rubbish so she was bound to like him) and I know the sales-prat's girlfriend. Should I tell her?

Also The Ice Queen and A had a bit of a chat (they always got on famously) and A said something to the Ice Queen which knocked my socks off - it was something along the lines of she regrets what happened and something else that neither the Ice Queen or I can remember exactly but it was very important because it caused me to say to a rather drunk A.

'Just so you know, I haven't given up on you and I'

So it must have been something, and I think A must have wanted me to know it as she is aware that the Ice Queen is one of my closet friends and is bound to report such things to me.

I'm not sure if I do want to get back with her, A, as the Ice Queen says she will always been troublesome. It's just her nature and since I stopped worrying about A my luck has been amazing. No-one wants to date a jinx. But on the otherside, I have more fun with her than anyone else, I've been on a few dates since and the girls just haven't been anywhere near as fun.

Mostly I just wish I could remember what I was told, oh drink is a dangerous thing.

I also handed over the Frock Coat I promised the Ice Queen for providing insider tips on the seduction of A. While it may not have ended quite as I would have hoped it seemed like the right time to hand it over.

Thursday, October 26, 2006


Well I had lunch with the ex, who also happens to be an ex porn star. She has drifted and out of my life a couple of times. While she is a nice girl, if some what troubled (all porn stars are troubled) she is very flakey so she was a nightmare to arrange dates with. I remember her onces saying she thought she had ME, but it was really just that she was stoned the entire time.

We had food, she brought her lovely little dog along (a Tibetan Spaniel called Tibs) who spent the whole of lunch charming the pub. He is a lovely. Anyway, we chatted and it was a bit strange, last night while in a state of some intoxication we kissed. It was foolish but it happened and afterwards I suggested lunch.

I don't think I really do want to get back together with her, even though she looked fabulous today. I think friends is a better place to be, there is just too much history there.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The plot thickens

Well, I'm just about to go for a late lunch with an ex. This is something I didn't expect, I can vaguely remember a drunken plan being made but these things rarely come true.

I found out last night that she thought I was younger than I was and that was one of the reasons things got broken up.

Yes, I really do have the worst taste in women.


Here are two quotes from the evening which I feel should give you an idea of how suitably debauched it was.

'I'm a simple girl I just want someone to bite my nipples and give me anal'


'Some girls have innies, some have outies, mine flaps in the wind when I'm aroused'

I've got two lunch dates lined up and I saw an old friend who I haven't seen for years. It was a really good birthday.

I'm going to cradle my head in my arms for a bit now.

Monday, October 23, 2006


Well I'm 26 now, here are my observations so far - being 26 makes you thirsty and it is quite dark.

The last year has been tumultuous, and it a few places tumescent but mostly it has been troubling. It was on this day last year that my estranged father contacted me to say he had terminal cancer, I've had to move out of the flat I love and find somewhere else and there have been a couple off affairs and a near-death experience. So it was a bit of a year.

I do have some great new trousers, and I've just opened a present from my little brother with a fantastic shirt in it.

More reports will follow.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

72 hours later.

I'm in the middle of a 72 detox, no coffee, no booze and no chocolate. I needed a detox, after what has been a very boozey few weeks.

I had to apply such a strong measure because I've got my birthday weekend coming up which is bracketed by a range of 'working lunches'. The sort of working lunches where you are taken by a girl I fancy to somewhere for cocktails.

This is good because I rather dropped off the social scene for a while and now I'm starting to get back into it. I wonder who I will meet next...

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Memories and too much wine

Yesterday I visited my old flat, I had to go there as a favour to a friend and sort out some computer things. It was nice returning there and as I walked through the streets I remembered all sorts of adventures with girls. The strange bar I ended up in with A, the pub I first met C in, where I used to meet G from the bus. The bench on which I shared my first kiss with B.

Yes, I've been out with quite a few letters of the alphabet, the filthy minxes.

After sorting out the computer thing which took hardly any time at all (the most complicated part was moving a huge painting to get at the phone socket) we went out for food and got very drunk.

So I did no writing last night, no writing this morning and I'm typing this with one finger, slowly, so it's not too nosy.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Lots of typing.

I've been working all weekend, okay so I've been mostly cleaning and cooking but I've managed to complete the first chapter and get a pretty solid outline of the rest of the book.

Sadly I haven't solved any crimes while writing so I feel in some ways I've failed.

Of course, writing a true account of my misadventures with women does pose an interesting problem. What happens if the women mentioned read it?

I should probably start planning some sort of long holiday somewhere far away, in a country where knives are banned.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

What writing is about.

I've started working on the book now, and in the long traditions of all writers this means doing lots of cleaning while you 'think about your work'. I've just completely re-arranged my room, cleaned the kitchen and I'm just about to start on the bathroom.

I bet Shakespeare was exactly the same, he would go off and get some eggs and then clean the privy while frowning over Romeo and Julette.

There was a book launch party last night. I like book launches because you get an interesting mix of people there, and there is free booze. Free booze is brilliant. There is something very special about someone else paying for you to get drunk, every glass of wine tastes that little bit better.

It was also my first night out with the new head sales chap, it went very well and I have the phone number of a girl I have to call on Sunday. She is Italian and does something I don't really understand.

There really is nothing like the party circuit to cheer you up, everyone is so friendly and it is marvellous for meeting people. Night clubs just aren't anywhere as near as joval, although they might be if there was free booze and goodie bags. I'm going to try and go to more book launches, you know in the name of research.

Not a bad night at all. Right now I simply must do some proper writing. I'll just give the taps and sink a once over first.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Slighty rude post

Here is some dialogue I just remembered from the party. This was with a scary woman who I had only just met a couple of minutes earlier.

Her - Oh are you a bit tired would you like something to wake you up?
*she rubs her nose and winks*
Me - Oh no, I'm fine thank you.
Her - Have you ever had sex in a night club?
Me - not that I remember, but who knows with magic of booze?
Her - You know what I love?
Me - No?
Her - Snorting coke off a fat cock, do you have a fat cock? Can I snort coke off your cock?
Me - Oh, erm I say, erm.
*Exit stage left, briskly*

Thursday, October 12, 2006


Sorry for disappearing for a few days, the party was that debauched that it took a while to get over it. While in a drunken haze something nearly happened with A, which caused someone at work to get very suspicious and it's been damage control since then.

In other news it appears a book deal is going to happen, it's early stages yet but the publisher liked the concept and my style of writing. I've got to put some sample chapters together this weekend.

It's going to be a version of this very blog, but you know a bit better and on paper. I'm so excited I can't sleep (hence the 4am post).

Everyone at work is delighted and is going to do everything they can to help, it's all just brilliant.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Oh dear

I did something I really shouldn't have last night, in the grand scheme of things it wasn't terrible but I really shouldn't have.

Booze, a new suit and being caught up in the moment count for something but still...

Monday, October 09, 2006

A suit, of destiny

My luck has been good recently, especially considering the nearly falling off a mountain thing (yes I'm going on about that again). After discussing it with a friend we came up with an explanation.

The Quantum Leap Theory.

At some point Dr Sam Beckett took control of H and thus saved us from falling off the cliff before jumping on again, hoping the next jump is the one home.

Someone in the car has something important they have to do, something important for the planet.

Anyway, back to good luck, this book thing coming from no-where and various other things have got me convinced that my luck is back, big time.

Today I had to go clothes shopping for a party on Tuesday. It's the second birthday party of our company and it is going to be a bit of a bash with a mix of slebs and press, so I wanted to look good. I had some fall back clothes but I really wanted something new, something smart yet louche. So I stomped off to Kensington to do some lunch time shopping. I went to all my usual haunts, and every single one had a disappointingly informal autumn collection. Admittedly some of the colours were rather pleasant in a low-key sort of way but nothing a foppish chap could wear to a party.

After about 40 shops and walking back to the office in a rather low mood I decided to try one more shop. I walked downstairs to the suit section and found the suit of my dreams.

Ever since I read the Great Gatsby I've dreamed of a lilac suit and now I own one. It was even in the sale so instead of paying the best part of £600 for it, I got it for almost nothing.

I've been grinning ever since I got the suit, I only hope there is some one suitable at the party to impress with my sartorial style.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Flash Monkey

Last night I reviewed the Flash Monkey Cabaret, and it was splendid. No not splendid, splendid doesn't cover how great it was, let me explain.

My favourite parts of London are the little secret places that you don't normally see. The parties that happen behind closed doors, strange little bars off side streets, members only clubs with completely plain doors so passers by have no idea of the delights that await within.

Last night was a perfect example of that. For a night Café de Paris had been taken over by a louche selection of cabaret acts and unsavoury looking characters. The show was opened by a very well performed feather dance and things spiraled away from there. None of the acts were ever on the stage for two long so you found yourself constantly shocked and amazed by what came on next. One chap in drag did something with an ironing board dressed as a cow that is very hard to explain, or at least to make it sound good so I won't.

I saw a lady LAY AN EGG on stage while dancing. AN EGG I say! I think you can imagine where she stored it, it must be a very convenient way of getting your lunch into work, although I'm not sure where she would put the condiments.

Also I chatted up a lovely lady. I think perhaps chatted up doesn't give her enough credit. After flashing her a smile she sent her friend away and came and stood next to me, on her own. So the signal to talk to her was pretty strong.

She was very entertaining, a native Londoner with a passion for exciting parties. After a brief chat we found out we had been to some of the same bashes (she had even seen me there, but I was disguised at the time). We spent most of the evening talking about nonsense and things but sadly at the end she was whisked away by the P.R. who happened to be her ex.

She has the means to contact me as she knows where I work, but sadly I don't have her number. Either way I will see her at a party at the end of the month.

What a brilliant night.


Monday, October 02, 2006

A muffin, the rain and books.

I went for a coffee with the work-mate who is having an affair today, it was a bit strange. I think the coffee shop I picked as a little far away so we had to make an awful lot of polite conversation while walking before we could get to the meat of the matter, as it were.

Her hands were shaking as she finally spilled. Her boyfriend and her have been together for about 10 years, and this 'thing' has been going on for about a year, as far as she is concerned it is nothing serious, and she says it makes her feel a bit sparkly when she is feeling glum. Yet again the world isn't black and white, it's shades of gray. Also, I'm hardly in a position to lecture about work affairs.

As we left the coffee shop I had to get some extra things to take my spend up to the minimum of £10 so I waltzed out with a couple of very nice looking muffins. A asked what was in the muffin bag, and I said it was a treat for good girls. I felt a bit guilty for instigating a low-key flirt with her but then I just don't worry about stuff like that anymore that is the nice thing about nearly falling off a mountain.

If you have a near death experience you get to start again, that is in the rules. So I can do things like this occasionally, if I please. Anyway, I left work early as I had to go and see the therapist and got completely and utterly soaked in the rain. It was great, just like something out of a film and the fact I was listening to the soundtrack to Amelie definitely added to experience.

I felt like this was the start of a new beginning for me, everything when so bad for me almost exactly a year ago so there is asymmetryy to it being sorted out now. I saw the therapist briefly, I got sent away early for being fixed. All the malarkey with my dad and other things is sorted out now, so that is nice.

Oh and I've got a meeting next week with a commissioning editor to talk about book ideas, so yeah not a bad start to things.

The Party Season.

Sorry if it has been a while since my last update. Since my return I've been all over the place. The party season has started up again and I have eased myself back into it almost as if I had never left. I do like the party season, there is something so right about living off a diet of cocktails and finger-food for a month or so.

This week has included a couple of art shows, an opening night of a food place in South Kensington and a very pleasant drinking session to say good bye to a work friend, or to be more accurate a friend.

As with all these things everyone drank far too much and then said heartfelt and boozy things to each other. It was deeply moving, but sadly the person who is leaving got so drunk she doesn't remember any of the special moments.

I popped out of the party for five minutes to get something from the office and when I tried the door it wouldn't open, now I'm not terribly good with keys at the best of times but the door was definitely stuck. So I pushed it hard and it opened, with a work mate sprawled on the floor behind it. And behind her, an 'unknown male' scamped off to hide in the loos.

I caught a co-worker having an affair (it was definitely not her boyfriend, he is much shorter), and it was almost the last co-worker I would suspect of having anything like that. We are going to have a coffee to talk about it. Not that I'm going to say much but I feel coffee is definitely the order of the day, with some sort of stilled Merchant Ivory style conversation.

After that I returned to the party, had more sad conversations with the leaving person before stumbling home in quite a state, the rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and catching up on sleep. I had forgotten that the party season means your weekends are spent in a torpor as you ready yourself for the next round of mid-week parties.