Monday, July 27, 2009
Everything I own is in garden bags ready for the great move later today. It's a bit like being homeless, except, because I bad at giving notice I'm currently renting two flats. What a spaz.
I'm not a fan of moving house but this one should be relatively painless. It's not a huge distance and I don't have quite as much stuff as I used to have, although it appears I still own more than I think.
Yesterday I inspected the new place with the estate agent and we talked over all the points that were wonky. There weren't that many as the flat has been well looked after. It made me realise how spartan the new place is, which I suppose is the very definition of 'unfurnished'.
I have to work out the order of things I can't do with out, because I can't afford to buy everything at once. The current thinking is.
Bed (If I get an inflatable one it can be used in a spare room when I get a real bed)
Fridge (Although now I'm thinking this can go lower down if I can find a nearby shop that sells ice)
Cooker (there was one in the flat but at the last minute the previous chap took it).
Cups and plate set (Morning coffee is a sign of civilisation)
Knives and forks (See above)
At least one pan (I'll get more over time)
Some sort of table
Chairs to go around the table
A real bed
The rest of the things a chap should have.
I'm quite looking forward to slowly decorating the place, I think as long as I can make food and I have somewhere nice to sleep I'll be okay. If I get a few collapse-able boxes I can use them as a temporary measure to store clothes. Then when I have real clothes storage places the boxes can go in what is going to be my study. See I've got it all worked out.
I'm learning stuff already and I've not even moved in. How come all white goods cost at least £100 pounds? Why is even an awful sofa so expensive?
Friday, July 24, 2009
I get the keys on Monday. This fills me with glee. The idea of being able to decorate somewhere entirely based on my tastes is mind boggling. I should have done this months ago, although I probably couldn't have afforded too. The deposit was huge, but luckly I had a bit of cash saved up. It's gone now, but I do have a house. WIN.
Yesterday was my company riding assessment. We have to be taken out by some police chaps and they say what they think of our skills. I was concerned about this as a black mark would mean that I wouldn't get to play on fun bikes.
It went well, the chap was impressed by my skills and he caught me a couple of things that have dramatically improved my riding. I'm now faster, and safe than ever before. Hurrah for knowledge.
I'm in Devon at the moment for my Mum's birthday. I'm also eyeing up more things to take back to the new place. It's completely unfurnished so I'll be living a strange life until I get the simple things like a fridge or a bed.
Oh and I'm thinking of starting a new public blog, but I'll let you know where it is if I do.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I looked at some houses today, yes houses not flats. It's weird that you can rent a whole house for the cost of a damp garden shed in London. I've even found one I quite like. It's got three bedrooms, which is a touch decadent but the reason I like it is that it has a vast front room, and that the back garden is just begging to have bikes parked in it. I shall sleep in the main bedroom, the second one shall be reserved for guests and the third room will be a walk-in motorbike clothes only wardrobe. I don't think girls will even be allowed in that room.
It's exactly the sort of place that a man about town could host a party or two. It's pretty cheap too, actually the least expensive place I looked at today. The only downside is that they want two months rent as a deposit and then a month in advance. That's quite a lot of dosh to hustle up. I suppose I'll have to see if I can manage it.
The flat is completely unfurnished which is weird, and also exciting. I'll need to get a bed pretty sharpish but then the idea of having a place to myself is very appealing. Very appealing, and with the extra rooms, should I decide to get extra flatmates, I can.
I would talk about the Chuck stuff but it's a bit too depressing. It really is. I can't imagine things getting better so I think I need to resign myself to moving on. Ho-hum. Still a new house is a great way of getting started I suppose. Nothing like a new house for a new start.
Onwards and upwards.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I spent most of the weekend in a fug. I'm entirely sure why, but it was there. I did everything I could think of to battle the fug, I ate well, did things I like but it was there like a damp blanket.
Yesterday I went to the gym first thing in the morning and that seemed to help. It made me feel extremely good for a while and then I sick in the afternoon. I think this might be because I may have got a little bit addicted to coffee. I've given it up for a few weeks but I had some on Sunday as part of the attempt to de-fug. It was delicious, absolutely splendid but on Monday I had a head-ache, hold and cold flushes and the hairs on my arms were standing up.
Of course it could just have been another weird illness, there are loads of them floating around at the moment. It seems people are constantly unwell with things that might not be swine flu but could be. Yes, perhaps that's why I felt so awful yesterday. That's far more pleasant an option than coffee addiction.
Or actually it could have been that I had gym rage and pushed myself a little bit too far. I broke my personal record for burning calories in ten minutes and I think I hadn't drunk quite enough water before that. Also I went for a very disappointing meal at lunch time, so it could be that as well.
So it's not really coffee's fault, don't blame the marvellous black liquid.
In other news I'm looking at flats now. Well houses actually, for less than it cost to rent a room in London I can rent a reasonable two bedroom house. I don't need a second bedroom but I do need proper parking for a bike and that seems to only come with places with two bedrooms.
I've never lived on my own, so I'm not sure if I will agree with it or not, but part of the reason for moving is to be in the same town as all my chums so if anything I will have more of a social life.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
So I should probably explain a bit more about what happened on the evening when I saw Chuck. She was emailing me about work stuff and I was keeping it 100% formal and work related. This threw her a bit, so much so that she asked if we could go for a drink after work.
After thinking about it very carefully I agreed to go for an orange juice before I went to the gym. I was wearing the wonder tie at the time so I was feeling safe.
I arrived slightly late, with my gym bag over my shoulder. I would say my attitude was cool, perhaps even frosty. I was there out of curiosity, I think.
Anyway she started talking about stuff, and fairly quickly got into apologising. She also revealed that she wasn't stressed about work, she was stressed about us breaking up. It was nice to hear her say sorry, I didn't expect that.
The point at which I thought perhaps it was worth giving it another go was when she said she had been wearing the silly rings I gave her (the pirate one and the butterfly one) on her building pass. I asked to see it, and yes the rings were on it.
That was a very sweet touch, and for that I agreed to give it another try. We're not fixed yet. I think it's like an Airfix model that has gone a bit wonky. It's not mended, but we know where the glue is.
Yes that's about it for now. No dates are planned or anything like that, but we have an accord, like a non-aggression patch.
In other news I cooked a steak this weekend and it was double aces. I've decided that Chinese Night is dead, long live Steak Night!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
1) I got offered my boss's job
2) I got invited to the Playboy Mansion for a party
3) Chuck asked me to meet her for a drink after work and she did the one thing I'd never expect. She said sorry.
I also wore a tie to work, these events may be connected.
2) I got invited to the Playboy Mansion for a party
3) Chuck asked me to meet her for a drink after work and she did the one thing I'd never expect. She said sorry.
I also wore a tie to work, these events may be connected.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I had thought Chuckgate was over, another sad moment in a life that will in time be turned into an amusing anecdote, but I was wrong.
The moving on process had begun, I ditched a load of stuff, cleared out my phone and then I updated my Facebooks status, well actually I was fiddling with it to see about blocking people, like Chuck so that they don't see what I'm up to. In hindsight I should have just de-friended her but I thought the privacy settings would be enough. I was wrong.
I updated my status to being single, which I thought was, well to be expected really and she sent me a frantic email at work about it asking what was going on. She sounded really hurt, and again I'm baffled. If someone does everything they can to push you away, why should they expect you to stick around? If the answer is 'because they are women' well, I'm joining the gays.
Aside from that not much else to report, I've become an almost full time gym bunny but since I go to deal with stress I think you can draw a fairly simple conclusion from my daily visits there to exhaust myself.
It's weird though, since I've stopped fighting for Chuck's attentions I'm happier than I've been in months. It was weirdly stressful in the latter stages because I never knew where I stood with her. Oh bum, now I need to go to the gym again.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Chuck emailed me twice today, and then sent me a text message late at night. She was acting as if we hadn't had several very unpleasant phone calls. Behavior like this is just so predictable. Now that I know that she is doing an A I could show how the next few months is going to work out with a map. It would be boring if it wasn't so tragic.
People at work have remarked how happier I seem, and I am because I have a bit of certainty in my life again. I like knowing how I stand with people, and if the result is negative at least that's a result. I'm not sure if this makes me a bit mad or just a pragmatist.
It was an office affair that got out of hand, that's all. I thought for a while it was something else but affairs like this are relationship equivalent of smack. They are consuming and in the middle of it you forget everything else. When you stop and look around you realise your life is in tatters and you weren't even you anymore.
On the plus side, if I am doomed to repeat myself I'll meet a fiery Latina next. So I should probably dig out my Spanish books again.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I went to Devon, well actually I went to London first and then to Devon. I could have got the train to London but I decided to ride down on the bike and then across to Devon, using London as a handy half-way stop to break the journey up.
London was fun as always, it reminded me again what I miss about it. I think I would have a different opinion of London if I lived in a lovely cottage somewhere but since I live in a sort of sub-Peckham type area it's looking pretty good right now.
It was fun visiting the London office, it's where magazines that *everyone* has heard of are made, international brands. They are the fun names, and I'm sure they get invited to some great parties but their offices are pretty dull. Or perhaps I only ever visit during quiet times when everyone is hungover and wants to die.
After the meeting I was taken out for lunch by the chap who invited me down and then I shot across London to meet a chum and talk TV show ideas. I pitched a couple more and then went the other way across London to Devon. Crossing greater London was fun, although I still felt a bit wrong filtering past a police car. The outer regions were less so, it just went on forever and ended up taking about four hours to get home - about the same time it takes to go direct.
I was delighted to be back and sat down with my Mum and talked about everything that had been going on. This helped me reach the conclusion that Chuck was very much messing with my head and being awfully strange. While I had done some silly things, it was nothing to justify this level of behavior. In short, everything was based around the fact that I dared say 'no' to her once.
The rest of the weekend was spent going on long bracing walks at the seaside, chopping things up with axes and chainsaws and eating cakes. There really is nothing like a bit of work with a chainsaw to lift a chap's mood
I felt much better afterwards but on returning to Peterborough my mood has lowered a little bit. I think I need to re-arrange my room to make it different and I'll definitely be clearing my desk at work today - it's littered with ticket and things from when we dated.
I'm sad that the relationship is over, there were some absolutely lovely bits, there really were, but I'm more sad that I managed to get myself in a situation with someone almost exactly like A, again. The similarities between the two are actually a bit alarming. It's like there is some factory churning them out. I can't decide if I'd like to visit that factory or not.
On the plus side, I'm good at getting over people. I dug out my smoking jacket, and lucky brogues so I'll be fine in before you can say 'party circuit'.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
I have been put in an untenable situation. Chuck wants me to fight for her forgiveness, and yet if anything I think she should be fighting for my forgiveness. It's as if the person I fell in love with is gone.
The person treating me like this is someone else, that's the only way I can explain what is happening. It's a sorry state of affairs indeed.
Anyway, I've had enough - I said I'd decide by Friday and I've made a choice, ooh, three hours early. That's it. FIN.
Tomorrow should be interesting, I'm going down to Heat magazine to talk to them about the Interspaz. One of the chaps in the London office has decided I'm good at the Interspaz and so now he is using me to get other people excited about the Interspaz, or something.
Post chat I'll zip across London (bikes are good for that) to meet up with a TV chap to expand on a couple of ideas for shows I've had. One of them is bound to land one day. Then I'll zip back across London (see previous comment about bikes) and off to Devon to recharge my mental batteries, they've taken quite a kicking over the last few days and so I need to regenerate.
I also need to eat some cakes, proper Devon cakes.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Life really does appear to be circular. I sometimes think we are doomed, or blessed to relive the same situations again and again. I mention this because while the date with Chuck last night was lovely and wonderful it reminded me of dating A.
Yes A, the girl at work from a few years ago who I allowed myself to get messed around by so much. Chuck even looks faintly like her, well not exactly but she has the same colouring. Understandably this troubles me.
The date was lovely. I picked her up on my bike, we zoomed over to the outdoor theatre in the grounds of a stately pile. We just had enough time for a quick Pimms before taking our seats. The production was excellent, the performers were good in a thespy way and the set design was just the right side of well made. In that you could see the joins but it just made it more real.
I've never seen the Tempest before so I enjoyed not knowing what was going to happen next and so I feared for the characters from one moment to the next and was completely and utterly caught up in it. Chuck would occasionally whisper things in my ear, in a ridiculously breathy way which made my spine tingle and the whole experience was lovely. It really was.
Then I gave her a lift home, going extra slowly for safety and we parted with a chaste peck on the lips. I asked her when I could see her again, and she said 'lets play it by ear'. I was under instructions to text her when I got home, which I did and we exchanged a few more texts before I fell asleep. It was nice.
It was also horrible, because it seemed wrong. I do understand that I clearly said exactly the wrong thing just before going on holiday and that was very badTM and I had done a couple of silly things before then, which were also very badTM but I didn't do them to be bad. My intentions were either honourable, I was trying to talk about my feelings on a deeper level than I ever had before or talking about something that was bothering me. I'm just not very good at grown up relationships so occasionally I say something in a way that is less elegant than it should be.
And so after the day of the very badTM thing, I went on holiday and while I was away Chuck went on some dates and yet when I returned I was the bad person who got dumped? She said she spent the dates talking about me but still it feels wrong. I've said sorry for what I did, and I understand what was wrong about what I did but it hasn't satisfied her.
I've battled for Chucks attentions once before from another chap, I didn't feel good about it and I just don't want to go through that again. I just don't know if that is a a reasonable expectation. I get the impression that she wants me to fight for her again as some sort of punitive course but if she is going to see other chaps then, well, I don't want any part of that.
re-reading this post it's hard to make her sound nice, she is nice, or at least she was when I first met her. I wish I had blogged more of our few weeks of dating because they really were magical.
I can't believe I've got myself into this situation again.
Monday, July 06, 2009
I tend to see things in one of two ways. I'm a black and white sort of chap. People are either good eggs or bad eggs, you don't get, well Curate's Eggs in my mind. Although I suppose a Curate's Egg isn't quite right either.
I think perhaps, or actually since talking to a good friend, I know this isn't ideal. It's a simplified vision of the world. People are complicated, life is complicated.
I've also had the whole girlfriend thing explained to me by the same friend, and I now know that if I'd just talked to her say four weeks ago, none of this would have ever happened. I get it.
People date at different speeds, it's as simple as that. I don't know why I couldn't see it before but I get it now. Of course this isn't a silver bullet, which is why at 3am I'm on the interspaz writing gibberish instead of being asleep.
Needless to say it's a bit of a tough time over at Chez Louche at the moment.
Oh and in 'amusing only because it happened to someone other than you' news. My boss had a meeting with me today to ask me if I was Dyslexic. A combination of jet-lag and Chuck related issues had caused me to include a couple of spelling mistakes something I wrote and so now at work they think I'm Dyslexic.
I did explain the situation, apart from the Chuck bit, so perhaps they get it now.
Chuck emailed me today. It was about the tickets to see Shakespeare that had been booked months ago. We were supposed to go on Thursday but she has a friend coming up, so she wondered if I fancied going on Wednesday.
I didn't even think we were going anymore because of Sunday night but, well, I don't know. Anyway, we agreed on Wednesday and I thought I wouldn't hear from her until then, but she emailed me again.
And again, asking about how my day was going and letting me know she didn't sleep well last night either. How am I supposed to reply to that 'well it's your fault' or perhaps 'good'?
I am lost as to wait to do or say. I think I'd like to get back together with her, but I don't want to encourage this sort of behavior - me as this demon figure - when while I said something silly I didn't go on any dates while I was away.
Oh look she is phoning. She called to see if I was okay, this was good. We talked about some stuff, this also good. I was a bit distant because I'm so confused, and then we started talking about the less good stuff. This I think was a good thing because, well it needs talking about.
We discussed each other's positions (trying to gain a bit of empathy) and, for a moment I thought we were making progress and then it went all wrong, again over a chance remark.
I'd say I'm decidedly less inclined to want things to work at this point, this may change when I've had some sleep but for now.
Girls are trouble.
Sunday, July 05, 2009
The more I think about the dates thing the more it is getting to me. So yes we weren't going out, but it's not like I was going on dates, or doing anything naughty, even in Vegas.
Thing is, I've always held the view that if someone cheats just tell them to bugger off. I don't want to tell Chuck to bugger off, and we weren't really going out but is that just me rationalising things in a way to continue seeing her?
I don't know anymore, and yes I am awake at 4am and I suspect it's not exclusively because of jet lag.
Chuck and I are over, and I'm mortified. We had a to-do before she left on her trip so we didn't part of the best of terms. I had said 'I wasn't sure about us', which was true, and that seems to have stuck.
The reason I said that is because I wanted her to be my girlfriend, not in effect girlfriend or virtual girlfriend but actual girlfriend. I got pretty screwed up by it - mostly because the two previous times I've been in a similar situation the lack of commitment was just an early warning sign that the other person was seeing other people on the sly.
That combined with work stress and a lack of sleep and I was in a bit of a weird place. Chuck wanted to see me one evening, I said I was too tired (I was exhausted) and then she phoned me in the evening. The conversation wasn't great, some things were said, and the one on my part was 'I'm not sure about us'. Chuck is a bit sensitive about this line because it's what a previous boyfriend said to her while cheating on her. I didn't cheat on Chuck, I was just tired and stressed and for a brief moment I was less than 100% about our future.
Anyway, we parted. There was some texting on holiday, and even a couple of phone calls. They were far more friendly. So I was awfully excited to see her again on Sunday. Actually that is an understatement. I moved my flights to see her earlier, and then when I realised that wasn't possible, I had to move them back. It was an expensive mistake.
On Sunday she said she was coming back on a train so I wrapped the gifts I had brought her and met up. Even though she was hungover (yesterday had been a hen party) she looked radiant to me. We said hello, kissed and hugged. Then we went for a coffee.
At first we exchanged holiday stories, and then gifts. It was lovely. Then we got on to the conversation of the unpleasantness. That was not so lovely, but it needed to be said. She did mention she had been for a drink with another man while I had been away. I wasn't pleased by this, but we were never officially going out and by any one's standards to quote Friends 'we were on a break'.
Coffee turned into lunch at our usual restaurant and that was very agreeable. Lovely even. While the subject of the unpleasantness was raised again it was being dealt with and for a bit I thought things could be saved.
This opinion lasted when she came back to my flat, We had to run back through a rain storm, and took shelter in a tree before we finally made it back to my flat. Chuck had a nap while I worked. Once I had my work out of the way we talked some more, and more, being entirely honest and then a chance remark I made, about something lovely she had done previously broke it all.
It wasn't even a negative remark, I just made a reference to something utterly lovely she had done previously and she said she suddenly realised it wasn't going to be like that anymore.
More things were said. I explained the reason I had been a bit wobbly and explained it in a way I think she got it. The reason I was wobbling was because I had mentally so committed myself - as in, right this is the one, so that's it for me and dating but it was too late.
She packed up her stuff and left, I was too shell-shocked to do much. These are unusual circumstances for me, because normally if things go a bit wobbly I'm gone but with this girl I don't want that. I don't want this to be over.
Putting my psychoanalyst head on. I think she needs me to know how upset she was by the phone conversation and things, and because she was away and then I was away it's been festering and boiling up into something terrible. If we can sort this out, then there is hope, or at least I hope there is hope if that makes sense.
I was feeling amazing and relaxed post holiday and now I feel a bit empty and a little bit sick. I really hope it's not broken.
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Well my time in America is drawing to a close, and I'm sad but also I can't wait to go back and see Chuck. I've not seen her in three weeks and that is far, far too long.
Vegas was interesting. At first I hated it. It was hot, I'd been ordered to wear my helmet (which is a nightmare in 42c stop-start traffic) and I was tired. We entered the strip from the crappy end and it was surprisingly like Skegness. Really it was.
I was meeting B, my chum so at about 8ish I hopped on the bike (sans helmet) and rode down the strip in the dark. That was amazing, really amazing. It was still extremely warm but at least my head wasn't cooking and all the lights, screens and other things to attract your attention are very engaging. I didn't even mind the heavy traffic because it gave me more time to enjoy the scenery.
I picked up B and we zoomed back to the hotel, Circus Circus (very tacky even for Vegas.) dropped off the bike and grabbed something to eat. B was introduced to my bike chums and then we went off on the drinking adventure.
B arranged for us to meet up with one of her Vegas chums, a delightful Russian Ex-Goth 'Go Go dancer' who took us to, I think about 7 different casinos while we drank cocktails and cackled like loons. There was also a bit of competitive chili eating. This went on until about 4am where we got tired of places being dead.
I had previously thought that Vegas never sleeps but on a Tuesday it definitely takes a nap. So at about five-ish we said goodbye, I went back to my room, drunkenly phoned Chuck and fell asleep. At about 7sh I woke up again, ordered B to get up and went off in search of more fun. The tattoo place wasn't open so instead we just had breakfast and then went tat shopping.
This was also entertaining, they do make some good rubbish in Vegas. Sadly then I had to leave. The tour had split, the fun people were going to stay in Vegas and the not fun were leaving on time. I joined the not fun people because I felt a moral duty to since I was 'at work'. This was a mistake and the next 7 hours of riding were extremely dull, but I suppose life is like that sometimes.
I will have to go back to Vegas again, I'll make a point of never seeing it during daylight though. That's just wrong.
I have been changed by my time in America. My riding has come on really well, just from being in the saddle for so long and going on such endlessly wiggly roads. There were days when I just seemed to ride the same hairpin for hours.
I've also had a lot of time to think about things, and since I said goodbye to my dad at the Grand Canyon I do feel very different, as if a weight has been lifted. I'm hoping this effect will last through the change back to normal time and the real world in England.
A good holiday should change you, and I've had life changing ones before, the trip to Italy for example, so perhaps this one will be too. I definitely feel like a different person.