Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I've started working on my new Year Resolutions. Here they are so far.

1) (re)learn Japanese, and then go to Japan.
I've actually started this one, I've got some new teaching programs and they are going well. If I can get my Japanese up to conversational I can probably blag some press trips. Huzzah.

2) Re-write children's book.
I've been meaning to do this for ages. I've started and it's going pretty well thanks to some useful feedback from my mum and some chums. It should have been done months ago but I'm rubbish.

3) Do more Stand-up.
I thought I wasn't going to do anymore but then I accidentally went to a gig (it was downstairs at a party and we were morally obligied to go). One of the chaps at the gig was someone who was on before me at my first gig ever, it made me think I really should have another crack at it. I've got some new jokes too.

4) Move back to London, or somewhere with a night life
It's gotta be done. Cottage or no cottage I'm too young and too single to be living out the rest of my life as a hermit.

More to follow.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Final festive party

I'm hungover, I have cuts on my hand and I bump on the back of my head. Yes I've been drinking. It was the work goodbye drinks and they started at 3pm with desk Whiskey and went on from there. I really can't handle my drink anymore (the gym effect) and so I had to excuse myself at 9pm with a case of 'absolutely ruined'. I stumbled home, slipped on some ice banged my head and cut my hand before I finally fell into bed.

I feel a bit special today, but it could have been much worse. The drinks were, well actually really good fun. This job may be in the wilderness but I do like the chaps I work with. I even had a proper blokie chat with someone I don't get on with terribly well. It was jolly festive.

So now I'm packing to return home for Christmas. I'm in a very different situation form last year. I've got a job, a proper career one, a house of my own but this time I'm single. Which is the default mode for me.

I'd like to say I'm going to use this much needed time off for some soul searching but really I'm just going to eat too many mince pies and sit next to a log fire. In balance I think that's better anyway

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


I've completed my Christmas Shopping, hurrah. It took a couple of hours but that's mostly because my sister is so awkward to shop for. Now I've just got to muscle through my final day of work and then it's time to eat as much food as possible and watch James Bond films. Christmas is going to be great.

New Year's Eve might possibly be a bit lame. Last year with The Hitchcock Blonde was excellent and so I've been rather spoiled. The year before that I got mashed with the Brightonian Princess which was also good. The rest of New Year's Eves have been a bit patchy. There is a huge weight of expectation, vast cost and a vague feeling you should be at a party somewhere else.

One option, which I hadn't really considered, was that the Actress now owes me an a meal and a rescue, would it be bad form to call in the favour on New Year's Eve?

Monday, December 21, 2009

The danger of wedding hats

I had another first date on Sunday. It was a friend of someone I work with. We met at the usual place - an 18th century coaching inn - and had a good bottle of wine. After that we decamped to an even older pub for more booze and mince pies.

I got fairly blasted and I know this because I started ordering brandy. The girl was nice. Easy to talk to and pretty. It went well, not amazing but nice. Of course since this was a work arranged date my work chums are now talking about wedding hats and dresses.

I think I'll see her again, but I'm in no huge hurry. I think the problem is I've been rather spoiled by having excellent female chums and so often the women I go on dates with just aren't as entertaining.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Panto with pencil skirts

I'm a few days out of sync, you'll have to forgive me. Things keep happening. Right, so last Thursday I went to see a panto with my London chums. I was feeling a bit strange from the night before (too much naughty behaviour) but I was feeling very excited as I jumped onto the train.

The old office in Soho was full of the old lovable misfits that have sort of fallen together over the years. Ms Pencil skirt was there, and thankfully it wasn't weird. It was great to catch up with the London lot while drinking gin.

After a couple of snifters we stumbled towards the tube and eventually surfaced in Wimbledon. More people met us here while we had another drink to prepare the mind for panto.

We were assigned tickets at random, I swapped with a chum so that boyfriend and girlfriend could sit together which through chance caused me to be sat next to Pencil skirt. Luckly this wasn't weird and there was even a bit of light co-ordinated dancing going on between us. I blame the gin.

The panto was excellent. Brian Blessed is everything you'd want him to be and Pamela Anderson was good too, on top form but completely outshined by Brian.

After the panto I had to disappearing to the night, H had parked his car and it was running out of time on the ticket. We scampered out to it and parking wardens were swarming over the carpark trying to catch people out. The rotters.

One short car journey in the snow and we dropped the car off and went to the pub. I only managed a couple of cocktails before I was absolutely exhausted and crashed out. It had been a good day.

The next day I got the train back up North but was delayed by a few hours because of the snow. When I finally arrived at work there was a minor blizard going on. So I did the only logical thing - dug out my off-road bike and charged around the business park. It was for a feature, so I sort of had an excuse. Sort of.

During the day Pencil Skirt sent me an email asking if we could go for tea in the new year. I said of course and so plans are being made. I'm not reading too much into this - but I may cross a couple of toes.

The office party.

The office party was more like a trip to a nightclub than a party. The company is far bigger than I expected. Clearly I need to explore the other floors a bit more. There were a lot of people I didn't recognise - also girls seem to dress up a lot more for these things than the boys do. The chaps were just wearing normal work gear, where as the women were dolled up to the nines.

The nightclub was in an old library so it was a pleasantly pretty building. We were armed with 5 tokens to buy drinks and then we would be on our own. I caught up with a few people I hadn't seen in a while, including another person from the journalism training course who is now leaving. He was in good salts, defiant and full of vigor thanks to leaving.

The rest of the evening was fun, bouncing around from group to group of chums talking about all sorts of things. I chatted to the girl in HR (Tall, dark hair, great sense of humour) who I'm going to be working with in a few weeks and even danced for a bit. The music was awful but when needs must. I left at about midnight and in an excellent mood.

The next day I was off to Panto with Pencil skirt and the rest of the London lot.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

In which twitter saves the day

Last night was not what I expected, which actually turned out to be rather fun. I got down to London early, positively buzzing with excitement. After a short bit of pacing about and waiting the Actress arrived and we ambled into the members club.

The moment I saw the alleyway to the club I had sudden flashbacks to if not the second then probably the third date with The Peruvian. She was a member of the same club. This made the next few moments rather exciting as any time a girl with long hair was spotted I flinched and hid behind the Actress.

The actress was on glowing form, I'd not seen her in months but she was everything I remembered and more, absolutely fabulous. We grabbed some drinks and I introduced her to the art dealer. She bonded instantly over wearing beautiful shoes that destroy feet. The Art Dealer took a real shine to the Actress, and so the evening progressed. The Lycra lady was there too. Looking resplendent. We made a bit of polite conversation about the planned adventure and then I went to get some more drinks.

It was all a bit of a whirl, and then Lycra ran off into the night with a client and I was left with the Actress having far, far too much fun. We played billiards and gambled with promises. I left the table with an offer of supper and a 'rescue should I need it' and so we drank some more and laughed. There was a book of 'erotic origami' which we tried some admittedly rather tame designs from and cackled at the results. I doubt the financial pages have ever been turned into 'those' before.

Eventually the Actress had to scamper off into the night, I was terribly sad to see her go, she had been even more fun than I'd remembered and yet again we had engaged in a surprisingly deep conversation about relationships and stuff. We will definitely go drinking again.

At this point I rejoined the Art dealer and we drank pink champagne and talked to some porn producers. I knew some of them from my old job and so we caught up on the gossip and they shocked the bankers left in the club with their stories from the set.

Far, far later we had to leave the club and stumbled home via a take-away to by something awful to eat. When we were back in the flat we drank rum and then went to bed. I was staying in the Art Dealer's spare flat - honestly, who has a spare flat?

Before I went to bed I tweeted about my might and thought no more of it. The next morning I work up, pulled my things together and jumped on a train. Work knew I was going to be a bit late but they didn't know how late exactly, neither did I. I arrived 'Up North' in good time but then had to spend almost two hours at the bus station waiting for a pesky bus. I arrived rather late thinking I was going to get a bit of a telling off but instead was greeted triumphantly - my tweet had impressed them so much they didn't mind that I was rather delayed.

There is a lesson in that somewhere, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I also have no idea if Lycra was stirred into jealousy by the Actress, she (the Actress) was on form but who knows how the female mind works, not me. Either way the Actress was a delight and we are going to go out again because she is far too entertaining to take out rarely.

What a spiffing night out.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

The art of dating

I'm going to a bash in London tomorrow. The art dealing chum is hosting another private view and so I'm going to amble down to join in the fun.

I'm taking along an actress I met at a birthday party a few month ago. The one I send telegram style text messages too (how are you STOP fancy some gin on Saturday STOP etc) We are chums, so she is going to provide entertaining company and giggles while we admire art.

I could have invited a date to go along but that might have been a bit weird. There will be loads of people I know there so that would be a bit full on.

Also Lycra will be there, so I'm hoping that she is consumed with jealousy over seeing me with another woman. This sort of plan works in films so it's bound to work in real life.

I can see no flaws in this plan, apart from now that I think about it every time someone does it in a film it normally goes wrong. Oh dear.

Coffee with Chuck

I went for coffee with Chuck. It was her suggestion. It's the festive season and I was feeling pretty planted. By planted I mean that I have completely an utterly moved on and I couldn't give a damn what happens to her either way.

Given that I thought it was a pretty low risk activity. I was right and wrong.

The coffee ended up being a drink because it was late. It wasn't awkward, it was okay, or at least it started that way. We caught up in a slightly stilted way, polite as always. There was quite a lot of needless touching going on by her, far too much. Do you really need to sit on someones lap to show them a magazine?

Then she invited herself back for port and cheese. Again more touching, by her, not by me.

I'd picked up the hint that she had intentions on me, but I was having absolutely none of it. Eventually it was time for her to leave and she was slightly taken aback when she asked if I wanted her to stay. I said it was up to her, and that I would make up the spare bed. She was shocked.

She was amazed that I didn't want to sleep with her. This shock lasted a while, then after a short Alan Bennett style bit of dialogue she stormed off into the night. She was genuinely amazed that I didn't want to do anything naughty with her, or go out with her again. I suppose pretty girls don't get that very much.

Anyway, I think the whole Chuck affair is finally over. It had its moments but it's for the best.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Is it wrong to date a racist?

I went on a date, and the girl made some, well some troubling remarks. Not full on racism just a bit of mild racism. Perhaps they were just ill thought out. The rest of the date was a bit dull, no sparkle, no adventures but not horrible either.

So why would I see her again? You may ask. Well she is local so there wouldn't be a 200 mile round-trip to see her. Slightly more importantly I was set up by a chum at work and she has rather made it her mission to get us together.

Is it really so boring up here that I'd put up with dating racists because it would give me something to do?

The evolution of gym kit

I go to the gym a lot. There really is very little else to do up here. I've never really been a gym sort. The first time I went they had to show me what everything was because I had absolutely no idea. I'm not really a sporty person, or I suppose I wasn't a sporty person a few months ago. My life up here may be very quiet but it's allowed me to affect a transformation which has been reflected in my P.E. kit

Outfit 1 - my first gym kit

As you may notice the shoes are, well shoes. The shorts are 'I must have been drunk when I bought these' and the t-shirt, well actually the T-shirt is okay. Basically it says 'I'm new to the gym'.

Outfit 2 - Starting to get some of the right gear
After my first visit I realised I needed to get some at least mildly sensible trainers. I was still wearing shorts that were almost trousers (honestly what are they for apart from to give you a stupid tan). The trainers were far lighter than my normal shoes and marked the beginning of me starting to a bit mental on the cross trainer (Elliptical for the American readers). I would burn about 200 calories in 10 minutes on it.

Outfit 3 - It's all white
I switched a slightly lighter t-shirt and got some of those special trainer socks. I happened to be out doing some shopping at lunch time and thought I'd get some actual clothes for the gym rather than just going in some things I had lying around. At this point I managed to burn 300 calories in 10 minutes on the cross trainer. My trousers started to get loose and my shirts fitted differently.

Outfit 4 - At last sensible shorts
The gym lady said that 300 calories was extremely good going for ten minutes (she couldn't do it). I was really starting to enjoy the gym experience I wanted to beat that. After really pushing myself I burned 340 calories in ten minutes on the cross trainer and decided that I'd aim for 700 in 20 minutes. I also started a new program of weights lifting twice what I did before. I sleep better and feel amazing after going to the gym. no-one ever told me that after going to the gym you would be off your face on endorphins.

Outfit 5 - My first vest
At this point I'm going to the gym every day, without fail. Even when I'm hungover. My first 20 minute run on the cross trainer lets me hit 600 calories, a few days later I push myself as hard as I can and I hit 678 and feel sick. I go and buy a vest, the first one I've ever owned that's not part of a fancy dress costume. I look very different and I've lost about 10 kilograms and put on muscle everywhere. The next day I hit 703. I've done it. The gym staff are amazed and my take my picture to put on the wall.

The next target is 1000 calories in 30 minutes. I'm not sure if I can do it, but I'm going to try. My knee is fine now, occasionally it still feels a bit weird but I'm stronger than I've ever been.

I don't know who I'm doing this for, I suppose myself, it really helps me relax but I'm rather looking forward to the next time I take my shirt off and a girl is around. she will get a pleasant surprise. I may still be a fop but I'm not built like one anymore.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Time to do stupid things

I haven't worked out when my blogging time is, which is why I've been a bit rubbish at updating. It's not a great excuse but it's a true one.

I've spoken to the Albert bridge girl a few times since the lunch. She laughed a lot on the phone, when I wasn't even being that funny. I'm taking this as a good sign, but I'm not getting too hopeful. I have however been managing to play it cool, which is rare for me. I don't do cool terribly well.

I think the problem is that playing it cool, is very much like not being interested and that just seems wrong. This is a source of comedy for me at least - I'm writing again - even thinking about doing a show. My job just doesn't stimulate me as much as it used to, and there just has to be more to life than well, a cottage.

That isn't to say I don't like the cottage, but I just don't think I should be here yet. I should be in London, or something. And not just because there are girls there who I like stomping across bridges with, but because there is life there. Proper life, the life you can't predict and that constantly surprises you. I need change, radical changes which means I'm going to have to do some radical stuff.

Yes, I'm fixing to do something stupid.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Something stupid on Albert Bridge

I think I'm dancing toward something stupid. The weekend was one of highs and lows but for me the pin-sharp moment was on Saturday at about 5pm.

I was walking across Albert Bridge in the rain, sheltering under an umbrella with a woman. She asked why I was walking so slowly and I said I was just enjoying the moment. It was cold, I was late for something else and I'm not even sure that she likes me in that way, but for the length of a bridge I was terribly happy.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Choose your own adventure Louche.

I have a few options this weekend. It's like a choose your own adventure book.

1) Stay in house whole weekend writing stuff I should have finished years ago. Clean cottage, do washing. Wake up on Monday with everything ready for the week ahead but with a vague feeling of 'is this really what I spent all week looking forward too?'. This is how I spend a lot of weekends

2) Date on Friday in the tiny town set up by a chum at work. On Saturday go clubbing with people from work (all girls) and see what the charms of the local town are on a normal weekend. On Sunday go for long hike with chum from work (male).

3) Go down to London for long weekend. Catch up with lovely London chums, then have lunch with girl who is so pretty I can't really talk to her (she has asked me). Possibly have first date with someone else work people are trying to set me up with. Toy with the idea of Christmas shopping but decide to do it online instead. Come home tired but at least feeling I did something with my time off.

4) None of the above.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

The dangers of pork

I've been neglecting this blog of late, so much so that I fear social services may take it away at any moment and rehouse it with some foster posters.

At the weekend I went to London for a bash. It was marvellous. The tube was broken so I had to walk through London in the rain to get to the party. I didn't mind though, because it was a lovely stroll. Almost every street I walked down had a memory tied to it. First dates, last dates, chance encounters, drinking adventures and even quiet moments.

The party was good too, a load of old friends that I've sadly rather fallen out of touch with, well apart from email exchanges. It was by anyone's standards a lovely reunion. I ended up crashing at chums place and then meeting another chum for breakfast and then ambling off for a first date. The date wasn't a huge success, but it rounded off a pretty good weekend.

I miss London, and I'm resolved to return, which is I said to my boss that I wanted to see about a transfer to the London office. I do enjoy the people I work with but I just don't know anyone outside of work up here and so it's a but dull in the evenings to say the least.

I think, if I was settled down, cottage life would be fine but since I'm not it's not quite right. Instead I'm stuck eating vast amounts of pork as a source of entertainment. I ate so much tonight that I had to wobble down to the wine shop to get some port otherwise I would be dead, FACT*

I need a new hobby.

*Not actual fact

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The worst line ever

There is a line us chaps fear more than any else. It over-shadows 'I'm pregnant', eclipses 'I want to talk about where this is going' and makes 'we need to have a talk' seem like something from a greeting card.

This line, feared by men the world over is.

'Let's just be friends'

I got hit with it last night, from Ms Pencil Skirt. She'd still like me to take her out to the Wolesley, but just as friends. Oh really.

This was after yet another day at work where I performed miracles and then got abuse. I think we can mark yesterday as one of the worst Tuesdays I've had in a long time.

On the plus side, I think I've just found a load more stand-up material.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Let's hear it for feminists dressing like ladies

I had a date on Sunday. It was lovely, and definitely worth the 200 mile round trip (I really do live in the wrong place). It was great because we went somewhere (Tate) and did something (Look at art) and I had so much fun that I can't really remember much about the show.

The girl is a feminist, which is essential for me, I can't abide simpering submissive types. Once you've had fem, you won't date men? No that doesn't quite work. Anyway, proper feminist but not in a hair shirt sort of way, she was tottering about in a pencil skirt with excellent lippy. She was dressed like this because she likes it.

I have to say, that speaking as a straight chap the rise of the whole 1940s burlesque trend has been very appealing. Especially when adopted by slightly fiery types with strong views on gender equality. Ding Dong

Adventures with trains

I'm off an adventure today. It's just too boring up here so I'm going down to London to absorb some culture with a girl.

The date yesterday was okay, I mean pleasant enough but there wasn't really any sparkle. I suppose my mind was somewhere else, and that somewhere being plotting being in London today.

I've got out a spiffy suit, and even more spiffy shirt and possibly the world's greatest hanky. Oh yes, I'm going to be massively overdressed for going down to London but then that's half the fun.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I went down to London for a party with some old work chums. It was supposed to be a party open to loads of people but in the end only about a dozen turned up. It was ace though. It's been almost years since I last got drunk with that crowd in a bar. I miss them.

I miss London too. Even though the cottage is very lovely at the moment. I just feel like I'm coasting, which probably isn't a totally bad thing - I've got a job. So it's a good sort of coast.

I've not been proper drinking for a while, and so the next day I was pretty broken. Even a shower at work didn't help that much - and my new show gel smells like Jolly Rancher.

I was in the gym pre-shower on the cross trainer. I wasn't going to go mad or anything I just thought I should go as part of the program to try and make my knee less wonky. The gym lady ask how I was and so I said hungover before carrying on with working out.

After I finished my work out I got given a pamphlet about alcohol abuse and a table to fill in recording how much I've been drinking. It was a bit much, but the gym lady is harmless and terribly earnest. I'm not going to fill in, that's cos I'm a rebel yeah?

Not much else to report really. I've got a load of new stand-up material which I'm slowly turning into a routine and today I've got a date, although I'm not sure I want to go now. I've met someone in London. We've got a date arranged and everything.

I think I need to go to London more often, it's just a shame that the train costs more than a flight to Europe. I hate public transport.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Jack the ripper on twitter

Through a hole in the space time continuum I saw some famous tweets of yore. Before the whole closed I managed to cut and paste a few of them.


is feeling spring heeled. Might go out again tonight. I can't stop LOL!!!11!!!

@Police you can't catch me. Hehehehehe

Went out anyway, did something naughty, again, hope no-one notices.

Want to go out tonight, but can't.

What a night LOL!11!1!!1!1!

Going to #Whitehall tonight can't find black bag or knives.

Feeling a bit stabby

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Everything is great in America

Until I agreed to cycle to Spain I was, and well I still am thinking about trying to get a job in the States. I'm not sure if it's even possible but where I am now seems like a bit of a small pond, if that makes sense.

America has always been a land of wonder and opportunity every time I've gone there I've not wanted to come back. So perhaps I should make the next logical step? I'm sure every chap has dreamed of getting a steamer to the states and landing with only a few suits rolled up in a carpet to his name.

So I'm writing up my C.V. as I need to at least see what is out there, and yes before you ask, there might be a girl in America who I've been chatting with, but as I've said before anytime I've done outlandish things to impress a girl it's worked out. Not often with the girl, or actually rarely with the girl but the end it's improved my life.

I rather like the fact I've got two different plans now, both involve girls and both are mutually exclusive. Also neither girl knows I have plans.

2010 Should be exciting.

The next stupid plan - Spain.

I have just agreed to cycle to Spain. Yes a girl is involved. It's for charity (which is what normal people use as an excuse to do stupid things) but mostly I'm going because she is hot.

Actually she is a bit too hot. Last time I met her I couldn't really hold a conversation with her because I fancied her so much. Instead of saying witty things about topical events I sat quietly with my hands in my lap. In hindsight it was funny, but at the time it was painful.

So anyway, under the guise of perhaps being to talk to her again I've agreed to spend two weeks cycling to Spain at some point in July. Now I just need to get a bike, and well, the fittest I've been in my entire life.

All of this and she probably thinks I'm a bit simple. Oh well, it will probably be fun and even if it goes terribly wrong it will make a good stand-up routine.

Bringing Silly back

This post has got a bit serious of late, and so that's going to change. I'm going to start being silly again. Silly is good.

I'll just start brewing another coffee and then try and flex the nonsense muscles.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Patterns in life

I've noticed a few patterns in my life now. Things that repeat themselves so often that they are practically rules.

1) If I see an outlandish item of clothing I like, I should buy it. There will always been an occasion in the future when it is exactly the thing I need.

2) When making an important decision, it shouldn't be based on a careful weighing up of the facts. Just think which option will allow you to meet more lovely girls or meet a specific lovely girl again. This is the result that will make you the most happy in the long run even if the thing with that specific girl never happens.

3) I need to have more than two ideas for rules to make it a proper list.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Expected Week / Actual Week

Here is the week I expected to have
Monday - Second date with leggy Policewoman
The first date was fun and she had been texting me lots about what we were going to do.
Tuesday - Performance Review
I've been doing my job well, super well. I had a page full of things I've done that no-one else can. This should be two hours about how great I am. I have no life really apart from work so I've been giving it my all.
Saturday - Party with work people
Some of the sales girls asked me to a birthday party. Since I had a car now I thought I'd go along to say hello.

Here is the week I actually had
Monday - Stood up by Policewoman
Tuesday - Awful performance review where I was given the impression that I'm only just doing my job, all good stuff ignored.
Saturday - Car blew up on way to party, now broken and will cost more to fix than it is worth. I've had it less than a week.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

The danger of ham

I'm trying to write something difficult, well to be exact I'm finally getting around to writing something I should have done ages ago but since I'm really supposed to be setting up my council tax payments I thought this might be a better thing to do.
I'm also cleaning the house. You can tell when I'm writing something hard because the house is spotless. Currently the house still has some spots but they are fast disappearing.

Now I'm writing this instead of writing the thing I should be writing, arrgh.
Anyway, I used to have a system for writing. I'd get up early, brew some mind bendlingly strong coffee and sip it while bashing away furiously. For really hard stuff I'd put some jazz on, nothing with words in it though, otherwise they would start appearing it what I was writing. Occasionally I'd take breaks to brew more coffee or make some poached eggs on toast. I managed to squeeze out a book doing that.

The thing is I don't really drink coffee anymore, I rather drank too much of the stuff and it was making me ill. Decaf is all well and good but it doesn't make your face tingle and mind move faster than you can type, so I'm trying to find other things to help me write. Other treat foods so I can train myself that 'this is writing time.'

Today I got a huge hunk of ham, as part of my experiment to find writing food. You know one of those cooked ones that looks like something Asterix would eat after duffing up some Romans. It was extremely nice, so nice I did a little dance while eating it, but it also made me sleepy, and thirsty and now I want to drink wine and have a nap.

I've got some other foods to try out, those funny little expensive chocolate puddings that lonely people eat instead of having sex and some very thin biscuits. Biscuits seem to get better the less of them there are.

I'm hoping that one of these will become my new culinary muse and I can finally do that work. It's definitely not ham, Ham is tasty and a good rewards after fighting legionnaires but it's not right for when you have to churn out 1500 words before you will allow yourself to go to the pub.

So kids, I suppose the lesson in all of this is don't ham and write.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Relationships with Rashomon

It's weird how two people who were in the same relationship can have entirely different views on what happened. Even when both of you were there. Isn't it?

This isn't in reference to anything specific, it's just an observation.

Being Bowser

In the late 80s and early 90s there was a convention in computer games. At the end of a level, or a series of levels there would be a boss. This boss would have to be defeated to progress through the game.

The boss would be impressive looking, but they would always have a weak point so they were more of a puzzle than anything else. Some would be invulnerable apart from a special point or others would require you to attack a specific point that would let you damage them. Bowser was a classic one of this, whole parts of my childhood were spent working out where to hit him with a turtle shell.

That's what I'm like. I'm mostly healed but if I hit my knee even moderately hard then, well I'm caused to swear an awful lot, for a long time and possibly roll around on the floor. I hope this goes away as I do tend to bounce off things as I make my way through life.

Friday, October 30, 2009

A sofa makes a house a home

Yes I've been rubbish not posting. I don't know why, I'd like to say because I've been entertaining my brother but mostly I think because I've been having a bit of a 'what's it all about' moment. I hope it wasn't birthday related but it might be.

The birthday was good. Small but good - I had a lot of last minute cancellations. We got a vast amount of strange booze, and drank it while messing around with one of those rockband games which was a great ice breaker. This continued until it was time to go to the slightly rubbish local club for some dancing.

We lost some of our party at this point because they were so drunk and they had to go home. The remaining people of the group danced, performed magic tricks (no really) and drank more. Much much later we returned home for some slow cooked pork and more band related nonsense.

The next day was spent in recovery watching films and eating more slow cooked food. It was a good day.

My brother has been here a week now and it's been great fun. I've even brought a sofa so people can lounge properly. I had no idea how important sofas were but now my house feel like far more of a home. Of course I got a vintage sofa set from the 1940s and so the downstairs room is now edging towards looking like something from The Chap. I've even got a new haircut to match it.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Louche-mas Eve

It's my birthday tomorrow.

Here are previous birthday related posts.

2008 - mostly about how nice my girlfriend was.

2007 - pleased with a new pith helmet

2006 - Hungover

I'll post something more in a bit but I'm feeling a bit spaced out after work.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Parallel Dating with zombies.

Today has been strange. It started off strange because I had no sleep. I had to stay up, well all night to make sure that some stories got posted for something pretty important. They were posted and we managed to get nine hours ahead of the rest of the world on some news. That was a good thing.

I made it into work, just, but I was in a daze the whole time. I don't think I've ever been that tired without being hungover in my life. It was made worse because I had to be extremely focused during the night, and that I haven't been sleeping brilliantly since the accident. I've been a zombie today.

Anyway, I had an important meeting at 2pm. It happens once every couple of weeks and I'm by far and away the most junior person in the room. I'm there because I know what I'm talking about with stuff and so I back up my boss when he gets quizzed. Well grilled would be more accurate, these meetings normally take the format of us getting verbally beaten up by a range of different people. I don't enjoy them that much, the only way to avoid getting a sack beating is to spend days before planning and re planning stuff. It's a lot of homework.

This one didn't start off well because I wasn't at 100% to say the least and my prep had been a bit sparse. The usual pleasantries were exchanged and then the grilling began. Then about half way through I said something, in passing that made it all change.

We had been set this almost impossible target of something to do, and without realising in the last month we had got mostly there. This changed the entire format of the meeting and suddenly someone else was getting grilled and I got to sit back and day dream about how early I was going to go to bed.

This was only a day dream as I have a date tonight, this is a first date with a scientist based in Cambridge. We are going to go for hot chocolate. Non-drinking dates are the new getting smashed on wine.

Also the Policewoman has said yes to a second date which is excellent. I like the Policewoman. I still don't really feel right about this 'parallel dating' but I just can't be bothered with waiting months while someone sorts their head out. Gosh, I wonder what could have caused me to adopt that attitude.

I'm being positive about it though. After the first date with the Scientist, I've got to meet up with the Teacher and the horsey lady and perhaps the Historian. Although that last one is less likely since a smashed up bike makes popping down to London a bit of a trial.

So while I may be single and slightly crippled for my Birthday, things are definitely looking up.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The thinking chair

Being a bit of a cripple is annoying. By crashing I've managed to make it so I can't do any of the things I like. I can't ride bikes, I can't ride bicycles, I can't go to the gym. It is rubbish, really quite rubbish.

I think this might be the thing that finally drives me to going to the art centre and finding something to do in the evenings that doesn't involve drinking. I need some hobbies, something to be passionate about. I also still need a cooker, which may end up being a birthday present to myself. Or at least a 'expenses cheque turning up' present to myself.

Today I hit my knee on my desk, that was extremely painful so I sort of jerked my head and now I have a hurty knee and an achy neck. I really should be put down for my own good. It's the nicest course of action.

I need to go on another grand adventure, or at least begin planning one. At the moment I just seem to spend whole evenings sat in my single comfortable chair thinking about things too much. No good can come of that.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

River related japes

You know it's been a good date when you learn two new ways to break the law. Did you know 'obstructing electricity' is an offence? Also if a chap decided to steal another chaps punt for some river related japes that would be piracy? Yes, actual piracy. It's almost worth the time. Almost.

Speaking of hard time the date was fun. Not a trial at all. We went for a hot chocolate together and strolled around Cambridge (twee, nice buildings, lots of people with cameras). We talked about all sorts of things, it was terribly pleasant and rather silly. I like silly, silly is important to me. She was tall, wearing a beguilingly short skirt and had extremely good hair.

After a few hours it was time to amble home, I dived onto the train and made my way back to the cottage. I think I'd like to see the Policewoman again, but we shall see I suppose. Either way, I've got another first date to arrange with a vaguely horsey woman who also lives in Cambridge this week.

I don't really want to be seeing a bajillion people at once, I'm just being efficient that's all. The moment I sart seeing one in anything even resembling a serious fashion this nonsense will stop, until then, I want to meet as many people as possible to increase the chances of meeting someone special. It's all about the odds isn't it?

It's going to be a busy week.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Dating on painkillers

I'm off to Cambridge today. I've got a first date with a Policewoman, yes the date-fest is on-going. I always find that first dates are the most exciting, it's the high-stakes date, and I suppose they are a bit like job interviews. Both people are assessing the other one for suitability and previous experience.

I'm still fairly crippled but I think I can do this. Yes it's stiff upper lip time. Think of England and all that.

I went to see the Doctor yesterday and got a five minute assessment (yes you are lucky, eat more painkillers, give it time) and a twenty five minute lecture on the dangers of motorcycles.

The rest of the day was a bit of a blur, frantic working, and then a train home. Getting the train is lame but it does give me more time to read lovely books from the Woo. Right, I have to go and select some socks for my date.

What colour best says 'while my views may often seem conservative I'm actually a liberal and the increased powers given to the police service trouble me' in a sexy way?

Friday, October 16, 2009

Learning about pain

I hurt. A lot. If anything it's getting worse. About to able down to local GP for a House style examination of why I'm so hurty. It's pain-tabulous.

I'm not sure why it is getting worse but something that happens while I'm asleep - which could be as simple as lying on my back - means I wake up not feeling too chipper.

It is lame. I could do without this.

The crash wasn't my only stupid thing I did this week, while spaced out on painkillers and wine it suddenly seemed to be like a good idea to go for a drink with Chuck. It was her idea I should add. It was actually quite entertaining, and yet it definitely proof that I'm over her. She is far too mad for me. Far too mad. This didn't stop us kissing, oh god I'm such a spaz sometimes.

In other women news the girl I had a couple of dates with last week email me to say she couldn't see me anymore. It was actually very nice of her. Tell you what, since the best blog are about truth, I will post the Dear John letter.

'Hey Louche,

How's things? I just wanted to write you and explain my somewhat erratic behavior this weekend. The night before we went out this guy who is a close friend whom I've been interested in for a long time told me he broke up with his girlfriend because he likes me. This came as a complete shock to me because I really didn't think that was ever going to happen. I think you're a really awesome..and hysterically funny...guy and I'm sorry that I can't go out with you any longer. Anyways, I hope you don't mind too much. It was really great to meet you. Hope your birthday goes well!


NYC Girl'

So there you go, it's been quite an eventful week.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

These are not lucky socks

I had a crash today. I tried to break and the tyres just wouldn't grip. I hit something fast, very fast. I then flew with the bike and did some cartwheels. Then I landed, a considerable distance down the road.

I should be dead, or have broken most of the bones in my upper body. Instead I slightly scratched my knee and bruised my back. It's a miracle. The medics said so. I'm relatively unhurt. I've always had supernaturally good luck, but I don't want to push it too far.

So I think I've given motorcycling a good run, and I've done some amazing things on them but I've used up my luck and so this is the end of motorcycling and I. I'm going to keep my smashed up helmet as a reminder of how close I came to not being me anymore.

The option of booze.

I think my poor little mind has been a little fried after the last few days because it's not used to going quite so fast around corners or away from traffic lights. The cause of all this frantic stimulation will be returned by the end of this week and I'll return to relative normality, I hope at least. I shall miss it though.

Anyway, on to other matters, specifically women. I have been going on a lot of dates, more are lined up. Although I always feel a bit guilty going dates with a range of different people at the same time. Nothing has been said to make it exclusive or anything like that but it still feels weird. Needs must and all that, and so I've been covering thousands of miles all over the country to see a range of women. That makes it sound like I've been house viewing, which I suppose is close.

This riding around gives me lots of time to think, I mean apart from when I'm going 'bloody hell I can't believe I can go around a corner that fast' and so I've thought back on other dates. Booze has been a key point of these days, so it's been weird to not have booze as an option when meeting people. Not unpleasant, just different.

It's amazing how many adventures have started with 'lets get another round of cocktails' or 'I've heard the rosé is excellent here'

Gay thought for the day - Gay Best Friends in books

So many characters in chic-lit have a gay best friend, as in almost all of them, but why is the gay-best-friend always the same type? You know, probably very pretty, slightly bitch an well dressed.

Why is it never a bear or a muscle mary? Or even a chap who just happens to like other chaps, it's always a screaming stereotype.

Girls are weird

Sunday, October 11, 2009

French cake 1 - Blues 0.

I've been feeling a bit blue for the last few weeks. I wasn't sure why, but I just didn't feel tip top. Today it all changed, and I think a part of it was due to going to the gym again for the first time in weeks.

It was a rather sweaty gym visit, the air conditioning was broken. Luckily I had the gym to myself so no-one had to witness me on the cross trainer for the first time in weeks. I pushed myself moderately hard but I didn't go mad. It was enough to let me feel marvellous for an entire morning of management training (v. David Bret, but also useful).

When the management training was over I jumped onto the bike and powered down to London. I managed to cover 2 hours worth of distance in 1 hour and fifteen minutes. I've now covered about 600 miles on the dream bike and I really get it now. It was fine before, and I enjoyed it but now I understand it. I was absolutely scything through traffic on the way into London. I was even a bit sad when I finally arrived at my destination.

I dropped the bike off at the car park, scamped up to my old work to say a hullo and catch up on things. This was a bit of a mixed experience because while it was lovely it did remind me of everything I missed about working in Soho.

At about 3ish I had arranged to meet up with the date. This was a new girl, I'd not met her before so it was quite exciting waiting for her to appear. She has just arrived in London so we strolled around and I showed her a few secret restaurants and other useful things. After our feet were tired we stopped for tea and French cakes in Soho.

With the cakes out of the way we said our goodbyes and parted and I hopped back into the bike and caught rush hour all the way home. This was perfect for me as it allowed me to play some more on the bike. It's weird how much fun heavy traffic is when you are on two wheels rather than four.

The ride home started off fairly sensible and then went a bit mad. I'm home now and I'm still tingling and feeling, well a bit fighty. A good ride does that to a chap.

What a brilliant day.

Some facts, I suppose.

I think blogs are best when they are honest. So I'm going to be terribly honest about some things. This is in no-way connected to the fact that I'm at home and a bit bored.

1) I am attracted to the way people move, not really the way they look. Pictures are all well and good but it the way someone moves that does it for me. I think it is about the quickness of movement, but I can't describe it more than that. It works for chums as well.

2) That being said, I have a nearly fatal attraction towards unsuitable women. I really do have awful taste. At least I'm consistently bad though. I can't help myself around striking, tall, fiery but probably emotionally damaged brunettes.

3) Even when mashed I've got reasonably good judgement, anything bizarre that has happened while drunk has typically been the beginning of a good adventure. I've got a good drunken homing instinct too. But, when I'm feeling fruity all reasonable logic goes out of the window. I don't approve of this, and it has got me into trouble.

4) Something about the way I act with women brings out the worst in them. I don't know what it is, but I'd love to correct it. By worst I mean all the stereotypical mad woman stuff. I'm sure it's not all me that causes this, but it has to be part of it. I need Cesar Millan to come and show me what I'm doing wrong, I bet it's something like projecting the wrong sort of energy or not being Alpha enough. It's not all bad I have scores of lovely, extremely close female friends which I adore so I can talk to women, you know properly.

5) The weirdest things upset me. An ex once said, while breaking-up with me 'I sometimes get the impression that you do nice things because that's what you should do, not because you want to.'. That still haunts me.

6) Sometimes human behavior utterly baffles me, actually I can be more precise with that. Sometimes female human behavior utterly baffles me. If a man is being weird towards one of my female friends I can tell what is really going on with 100% accuracy. Women sometimes do things that just make me need to sit down and stare at the wall.

7) I've read somewhere that most chaps imagine what women they see in the street look like naked, I imagine what they'd look like better dressed. I can't help myself. Once I've worked out the look I'm never quite sure what to do with this information.

8) I'm not terribly good at confrontations. You know fights and things. I wish I was, when someone does something a bit iffy I tend to simmer on it for a decade or two before saying anything. On the plus side if someone annoys me I'm good at making them 'dead to my eyes', I should definitely list 'holding a grudge' on my C.V. as a strength.

9) I once took a large amount of magic mushrooms, without realising quite what sort of effect it would have on me. I spazzed out for a whole evening and ever since then I've loved forests. I don't think I'll ever do anything like that ever again because it had such a radical effect on me.

10) I don't like going to gigs. I rarely like the music, and even if I do it's too loud and I don't think it's worth damaging my ears over. If there was a quiet gig, and they played only the songs I wanted, in the order I wanted and I could skip them if I wanted, that might be okay, for a bit. It worries me that I can't understand why other people like gigs so much, it really does.

11) When I really like someone I tend to ignore all the reasons why I shouldn't go out with them, these reasons only come to light after things have ended.

12) I thought this was going to be a more interesting post when I was walking back from the shops, I'm not so sure now.

Date two - Are girls the cure?

We had a second date. It was good, we both laughed, the events were spur of the moment and engaging and yet, something wasn't quite there. It might have just been that I was knackered, or perhaps, and this is more troubling. I'm so used to being mashed when fist connecting with someone that it feels weird to not break the ice with a cocktail or two.

I've not become sober or anything, it's just that riding down means no boozes for me. I don't know about this one, which isn't to say things are bad. On paper she is excellent, which sounds damning and that's not right either. She is spiffing, I think that I'm just feeling a bit weird at the moment and a girl isn't the cure if that makes sense.

Would this mean I will be messing things up with a terribly nice girl just because I'm not right in the head? I don't know. I'd hate to do that again.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Day 462: Ate some jam, morale is high

It was fun. It really was. The date nearly didn't happen because I felt really unwell at lunch time - my boss tried to send me home but I resisted. It seemed important that I went on this date.

So I borrowed some fever reducing drugs off a co-worker and jumped on the bike. The ride down was so-so, some what brisk. The bike I have for the next two weeks is. Well it's related to Piqued BB and so I arrived in London in record time. I took a slightly stupid route to the restaurant because I skipped a turning but I managed to get there with three minutes to spare and not be too bad. The drugs were still working.

She was a little bit late and we had that slight moment of awkwardness where you are both trying to work out if the other person is a mental. However by the time the wine list was out of the way we were talking nonsense about angels sneezing and the rest of the evening was great. At one point she laughed so much she was nearly sick and so we had to get her a glass of water and give her a time out.

Eventually we scampered off into the night, her back to her house and I jumped back onto the bike and zoomed home.

Riding a motorbike in London is great because you get to skip every queue, it's like being on the VIP list for traffic lights. Riding a faintly ridiculous sports bike in London is something else. What I'm trying to say is that it was a lovely date, but riding the bike home was also one of the high-points.

Admittedly when you get outside of London it's a bit boring, but crossing London is lovely. So yes, I arrived home fine, slightly damp (the last 5 minutes were in the rain) and then fell into bed. The next day I was feeling weird again so I took the day off, I still feel a bit weird but I think it's mostly stress more than anything else - work is a bit mad at the moment.

It was lovely to go on a date though, I'd forgotten what fun that was. Oh and the subject line is the punchline to a joke that caused the girl to need a time out.

Monday, October 05, 2009

The madness of Chuck

Today was long and slow. This is because I had almost no sleep (my fault). Silly Louche. So I had to slog through the day just trying to hold it together until I could get home and go to bed. I need to pick out my look for tomorrow, but that shouldn't take long.

Chuck emailed me today to apologise for 'nearly banging your door down'. So not just a load of text messages but also smashing on the door. Lawks, that's borderline frightening.

The upshot of this is that I'm going to shave off the Elvis style sideburns, they are just too potent. I'm not ready for this level of responsibility.

P.S. Why do some women act like this? I mean she really 'had me' for a while and then she very thoroughly smashed me to pieces. I've moved on and now she wants attention?

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Resisting Elvis

This weekend was surprising. I was dreading going to Skegness. A depressing holiday camp near the sea but not on it. There is nothing to do there apart from eat rubbish food and drink. I wasn't looking forward to it. I think the main problem is that event is organised by people who don't ride motorbikes so they don't get what is fun about bikes.

Anyway, we arrived, got very drunk danced like loons, talked to girls and some of the group did some light vomiting. What was actually quite good fun. I had my own holiday apartment so I could retreat from the party at will. Which was nice because the other apartment was like a zoo.

The second day involved some light duties (riding about and then judging something) before it was time to become Elvis. I spent ages shaving to get Elvis sideburns and then finally it was time to get into costume. The jumpsuit was very cool, as it not warm in the slightest. It always was rather revealing, but was silly and that's what counts.

We scampered out into the night, with one person dropping out before we even got into a club because he had drunk so much while getting ready. The entire club was full of people in costumes, and I had a good time dancing away.

Then Chuck appeared, I of course was civil yet distant and we spoke briefly about things of no concequence before our groups moved to different night clubs. I briefly saw her again later in the night but we didn't talk. I didn't think much of it apart from being pleased that I'd managed to be civil.

Finally I went home and crashed asleep and when I woke up I had two 'booty text' from Chuck. I had a bet with someone at work that she would try something like this, I even got the hour right. Girls are so rubbish sometimes.

I didn't reply to the text messages, I don't to any of the ones she sends me, but I expect I'll get an email about it today. With emails I reply to anything work related but everything else is ignored. In a way I feel sorry for her, it must be hard to resist Elvis.

On the plus side she did mention she is leaving in November so that's great news. And I have a first date tomorrow in London. I'm not sure quite what I'm going to do with transport. If I ride down it will be far quicker and easier but I can't drink, but riding means I don't have to worry about the last train or any of that nonsense.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A list of things I like more than girls

I live a simple life these days. So I'm concentrating on things that are more pleasant than having a girlfriend or a girl who isn't your girlfriend but who demands all of your time.

Anyway here is my current list of things I like more than girls:
Scrambled egg and jalapeno sandwiches
Riding motorbikes
My new bed, although that's mostly due to the mattress
A well cut suit
The feeling just after a sneeze

Oh and in other news I've got a work thing this weekend. I have to go to a dull part of a country for a big event and judge somethings. Chuck will be there. I am not looking forward to it, although I think if I pack some more top-notch sandwiches it might just be a bit more tolerable.

Work update

So yes, a bit more depth about things that are going well. The chief of these is work. About a month ago I got given the job my boss had. He has been moved off to something else. I also have been put on some sort of management training program.

It's been going really well, almost a bit too well really as I've noticed a couple of the chaps are a bit weird around me now. I hope this will pass, but it is a bit strange.

The cottage is aces, I really enjoy being on my own. It's still not complete, I could do with a sofa and a few other bits and bobs but it's definitely on it's way.

The rest is a bit crap, I've not got the hang of this country living and so most evenings I just tap away on my computer or go to bed early. I've been going to the gym a lot, it seems to be my reaction to break-ups. So I'm in the best shape of my life, but there is no-one to show off my new shape too. What a shame eh?

Still perhaps tomorrow I'll suddenly work out how people meet people in the countryside. It's strange, I had no idea I'd be so crippled socially without a constant stream of parties to go to in Soho.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The return

I went somewhere else for a while, but it didn't feel like home. So I'm back. I'm back because I've been doing this for years and it seems wrong that stuff about my dad has to be kept behind closed doors now.

lots been happening, but in short while my career is going wonderfully my social-life is an absolute train-wreck. Actually that would make it sound vaguely engaging at least. It's not that. Oh no. It seems I'm not very good at making friends outside of Zone 2.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Two steaks is more than enough for any man.

My younger brother was supposed to be visiting this weekend but a complete transport breakdown caused it to get cancelled at the last minute. This is sad as I was looking forward to him coming over to see my new place.

It's a shame, but ultimately it's probably a good thing. In a few weeks I'll have a fridge and a cooker and other things to make the house a bit more habitable and ready for guests. I don't even have a bed for myself yet, let alone for guests. Still even with that view it's a shame my brother wasn't here for the weekend.

I got the news that he wasn't going to appear after I'd returned from a big shop to get things to eat while he was here, since I don't have a fridge I had no choice but to eat it. Two large steaks later and I was feeling a bit strange.

This wasn't enough of a weird feeling to stop me going to a friends engagement party. I zoomed over on the bike getting lost about a dozen times, I have yet to perfect the art of checking the route on the Iphone and then actually remembering it. Hopefully it will come in time.

The party was good, low key and polite rather than a drunken mess, which surprised me but I suppose people have to grow up eventually. I stayed on the soft drinks and then rode back. The ride was excellent, it was dark, I chose a route that was all wiggly roads. Including a bit through a forest that was a bit magical and I had music playing so for an hour or so I was completely in the moment.

Absolutely no thinking about girls or any of that nonsense just concentrating on getting the next corner absolutely right. It was almost a shame to arrive home, but I did and went to sleep with radio 4 quietly whispering in the background.

I've got no real plans for today. It's weird, I've completely reverted to my single life style again. Vast empty weekends punctuated by the occasional visit to see chums or ride just for fun. It's not a bad lot really.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

The table cloth of regret

I had a drink with Chuck last night to see if we could work things out. Things weren't worked out but my god I tried. I was grown-up and everything. I think sometimes people don't actually want things to fix even though they say they do. I didn't know things were completely broken until about midnight.

The whole evening was like a mental boxing match, for moments I'd win her over and then she would circle back to the bad telephone conversation and it would start all over again. At one point we even parted ways and said goodbye, and as I was walking up the hill to go home she called back to me asking how much port I had left.

This sort of stuff continued in the house. She would swing wildly between being flirty and then sat on the other side of the room. In the end she got a cab home, and I was quite clear that I had quite enough female friends thank you very much and so I doubted she would get to join them.

Of course I'm sad that it is over, especially since I tried so hard to keep things going but there is a happiness in knowing where you stand, even if it's in a bad way. I can move on now.

Oh and I wasn't going to invite her back to my cottage, but I'm glad I did. I thought it was a sanctuary away from her, but it's also a reminder of what she missed out on, she said as much.

I had no idea a carefully chosen table cloth could be a weapon.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

New place

I'm in. It is good. The decoration is a bit Spartan, because, well I don't own that much furniture. Still It makes the cottage look nice and large.

I've brought some blinds, so I have a measure of privacy which is nice and I think once I have a fridge and a cooker I'll feel very moved in indeed. Not having a fridge is okay, you just stay away from dairy things a bit more, the lack of cooker is a bit more annoying. It's a Sunday, I'm reading the papers while listening to radio 4 and the only thing missing from this scene is a large chunk of meat slowly roasting in the oven.

Well there are a few more things missing, like a table, but that's not the point. I've got a bit of an easy day planned today, I'm going to go and buy some pipes so that I can plug in the washing machine and perhaps one of those draining board things. It's amazing how many little things you need to make a house work.

It's all rather fun getting them together though. I wouldn't say I'm exactly house proud but I am strangely pleased with my 'duck egg blue' blinds in my bedroom, or actually 'the master bedroom' to be exact.

That's another weird thing about living on your own. Your stuff can go anywhere. I'll never have to have the sort of conversation where someone, usually a girl says:

'Do we really want the sofa to go there?'

Someone at work has already tried to move in with me, but I said no. I said it politely of course, but he is a bit of a berk and I moved here to have a place on my own.

It's a bit strange at first, I've always lived with other people and I've always been the lodger, or at least the flatmate who has been there the least amount of time. This means that you don't have dominion over the telly and you have to ask first if you want to have chums over for port.

I never felt like I could really relax, where as now I can. This is my space. Roar

Monday, July 27, 2009

Bags of fun

Everything I own is in garden bags ready for the great move later today. It's a bit like being homeless, except, because I bad at giving notice I'm currently renting two flats. What a spaz.

I'm not a fan of moving house but this one should be relatively painless. It's not a huge distance and I don't have quite as much stuff as I used to have, although it appears I still own more than I think.

Yesterday I inspected the new place with the estate agent and we talked over all the points that were wonky. There weren't that many as the flat has been well looked after. It made me realise how spartan the new place is, which I suppose is the very definition of 'unfurnished'.

I have to work out the order of things I can't do with out, because I can't afford to buy everything at once. The current thinking is.

Right away
Bed (If I get an inflatable one it can be used in a spare room when I get a real bed)
Fridge (Although now I'm thinking this can go lower down if I can find a nearby shop that sells ice)
Cooker (there was one in the flat but at the last minute the previous chap took it).
Cups and plate set (Morning coffee is a sign of civilisation)
Knives and forks (See above)
At least one pan (I'll get more over time)

Washing machine
Some sort of table
Chairs to go around the table

Quite soon
Cocktail cabinet
A real bed
The rest of the things a chap should have.

I'm quite looking forward to slowly decorating the place, I think as long as I can make food and I have somewhere nice to sleep I'll be okay. If I get a few collapse-able boxes I can use them as a temporary measure to store clothes. Then when I have real clothes storage places the boxes can go in what is going to be my study. See I've got it all worked out.

I'm learning stuff already and I've not even moved in. How come all white goods cost at least £100 pounds? Why is even an awful sofa so expensive?

Friday, July 24, 2009


I get the keys on Monday. This fills me with glee. The idea of being able to decorate somewhere entirely based on my tastes is mind boggling. I should have done this months ago, although I probably couldn't have afforded too. The deposit was huge, but luckly I had a bit of cash saved up. It's gone now, but I do have a house. WIN.

Yesterday was my company riding assessment. We have to be taken out by some police chaps and they say what they think of our skills. I was concerned about this as a black mark would mean that I wouldn't get to play on fun bikes.

It went well, the chap was impressed by my skills and he caught me a couple of things that have dramatically improved my riding. I'm now faster, and safe than ever before. Hurrah for knowledge.

I'm in Devon at the moment for my Mum's birthday. I'm also eyeing up more things to take back to the new place. It's completely unfurnished so I'll be living a strange life until I get the simple things like a fridge or a bed.

Oh and I'm thinking of starting a new public blog, but I'll let you know where it is if I do.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

New flats

I looked at some houses today, yes houses not flats. It's weird that you can rent a whole house for the cost of a damp garden shed in London. I've even found one I quite like. It's got three bedrooms, which is a touch decadent but the reason I like it is that it has a vast front room, and that the back garden is just begging to have bikes parked in it. I shall sleep in the main bedroom, the second one shall be reserved for guests and the third room will be a walk-in motorbike clothes only wardrobe. I don't think girls will even be allowed in that room.

It's exactly the sort of place that a man about town could host a party or two. It's pretty cheap too, actually the least expensive place I looked at today. The only downside is that they want two months rent as a deposit and then a month in advance. That's quite a lot of dosh to hustle up. I suppose I'll have to see if I can manage it.

The flat is completely unfurnished which is weird, and also exciting. I'll need to get a bed pretty sharpish but then the idea of having a place to myself is very appealing. Very appealing, and with the extra rooms, should I decide to get extra flatmates, I can.

I would talk about the Chuck stuff but it's a bit too depressing. It really is. I can't imagine things getting better so I think I need to resign myself to moving on. Ho-hum. Still a new house is a great way of getting started I suppose. Nothing like a new house for a new start.

Onwards and upwards.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Fug and flats

I spent most of the weekend in a fug. I'm entirely sure why, but it was there. I did everything I could think of to battle the fug, I ate well, did things I like but it was there like a damp blanket.

Yesterday I went to the gym first thing in the morning and that seemed to help. It made me feel extremely good for a while and then I sick in the afternoon. I think this might be because I may have got a little bit addicted to coffee. I've given it up for a few weeks but I had some on Sunday as part of the attempt to de-fug. It was delicious, absolutely splendid but on Monday I had a head-ache, hold and cold flushes and the hairs on my arms were standing up.

Of course it could just have been another weird illness, there are loads of them floating around at the moment. It seems people are constantly unwell with things that might not be swine flu but could be. Yes, perhaps that's why I felt so awful yesterday. That's far more pleasant an option than coffee addiction.

Or actually it could have been that I had gym rage and pushed myself a little bit too far. I broke my personal record for burning calories in ten minutes and I think I hadn't drunk quite enough water before that. Also I went for a very disappointing meal at lunch time, so it could be that as well.

So it's not really coffee's fault, don't blame the marvellous black liquid.

In other news I'm looking at flats now. Well houses actually, for less than it cost to rent a room in London I can rent a reasonable two bedroom house. I don't need a second bedroom but I do need proper parking for a bike and that seems to only come with places with two bedrooms.

I've never lived on my own, so I'm not sure if I will agree with it or not, but part of the reason for moving is to be in the same town as all my chums so if anything I will have more of a social life.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Steak night

So I should probably explain a bit more about what happened on the evening when I saw Chuck. She was emailing me about work stuff and I was keeping it 100% formal and work related. This threw her a bit, so much so that she asked if we could go for a drink after work.

After thinking about it very carefully I agreed to go for an orange juice before I went to the gym. I was wearing the wonder tie at the time so I was feeling safe.

I arrived slightly late, with my gym bag over my shoulder. I would say my attitude was cool, perhaps even frosty. I was there out of curiosity, I think.

Anyway she started talking about stuff, and fairly quickly got into apologising. She also revealed that she wasn't stressed about work, she was stressed about us breaking up. It was nice to hear her say sorry, I didn't expect that.

The point at which I thought perhaps it was worth giving it another go was when she said she had been wearing the silly rings I gave her (the pirate one and the butterfly one) on her building pass. I asked to see it, and yes the rings were on it.

That was a very sweet touch, and for that I agreed to give it another try. We're not fixed yet. I think it's like an Airfix model that has gone a bit wonky. It's not mended, but we know where the glue is.

Yes that's about it for now. No dates are planned or anything like that, but we have an accord, like a non-aggression patch.

In other news I cooked a steak this weekend and it was double aces. I've decided that Chinese Night is dead, long live Steak Night!