A note on editors

This blog was gone for a while, it was nearly gone forever.

It disappeared because The Hitchcock Blonde's mum sent me some hate mail for moving on. It was extremely unpleasant and really knocked me for six, well a dozen to be accurate. Then the Hitchcock Blonde sent me an email that started off apologising for her mum and ended up in hate mail. That was also unpleasant.

They have both been removed from my life. Phone numbers deleted, Facebook ties severed, the works. Dead. To. My. Eyes.

For a while I closed down this blog, it will remain private for quite some time but I found that without somewhere to vent and be silly I was getting quite stressed.

I think the important thing here is to not give someone editoral control. No matter how unpleasant they are via email.

The Hitchcock Blonde

Well I broke up with The Hitchcock Blonde, it was about three weeks ago. It is sad, but we remain on good terms.

FIN

A long needed update

I'm sorry I've not been updating as much. I'm also sorry that my updates have been about strange things. There have been a lot of changes going on here, big changes. I wanted to leave some distance between them happening and writing about them because I thought I should have time to mull over them.

I'll do some big updates tonight, after a glass of wine. The main subjects will be my traffic accident and breaking up with the Hitchcock Blonde.

Tom Baker and Valentine's Day

I've been in training for most of the week so far, I mention this because it's been tough training from people who seem to know what they are doing. This is a new experience for me as most of my teachers thus far have been utter berks.

This teacher sounds almost exactly like Tom Baker which makes the long lectures on various subjects rather entertaining and slightly thespy. I try not to think about if he is putting it in now or not*. The lessions are very hard, I mean really hard which I think I rather like. I'm mentally exhausted by the end of the day, but that's because it's all new.

Work, aside from training, is going well. I've had various 'effects' on the company which are positive (they are a bit dull to explain but let's just say they are a good things) and I'm still really enjoying it, possibly a bit too much.

Valentine's Day was a success. I arranged for flowers to be delivered at The Hitchcock Blonde's workplace on the Friday and then brought her a few different things which she liked, but no-where near as much as the box they came in. I'm not sure what that says about my gift buying skills.

The actual day was spent drinking wine, riding on speed boats and watching films, including Fatal attraction. It was a good day, and I think the first time I've ever had a girlfriend on Valentine's Day, so it was an entirely new experience. I might even do it again.

*Google Tom Baker and 'putting it in' to get this joke.

Operation Mostly Goat

I'm ensconced in the new town now. It's is, well it is quite nice actually the flat is pretty good in a modest sort of way and thanks to it being 'bills included' the heating is turned up to maximum. I was uncomfortably warm last night.

It's an absolute delight not commuting so far, it really is. While I miss the Hitchcock Blonde deeply the effect on my health of getting a reasonable amount of sleep is amazing. I feel like a new man, or two new men.

Right considering this is an *ahem* borrowed internet connection I think I should sign off before I get caught.

Windmills of your mind

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been working so hard and travelling so much that well I've just been knackered. Here are some facts.

1) I am moving out of London. The commute to work is outrageous and it's slowly killing me. The place I'll be moving to isn't as exciting as London but is about a quarter of the price so I've rented a flat for less than the cost of my weekly train ticket. The plan is to rent a crappy place for a few months and then live somewhere lovely, like a windmill.

2) I still love my job, probably a bit too much. I mean really love it. I've even started to understand the webs of power that are in the office, all companies have them, and if anything it's rather entertaining. This one has fairly low-key political struggles which is probably due to the fact it's mostly chaps working there.

3) The Hitchcock Blonde has just insisted that item 3 is about her. We are still going out, which I think nearly makes her my longest girlfriend EVER. She was not amused by me moving away but we had a chat about it and we are going to give it a go. I then included this chat in a stand-up show which went down very well, well went down well with the audience.

4) That stand-up performance was good, but I think it will be my last. I just don't enjoy it. It might just be because unlike the other gigs I was almost supernaturally tired before I went up on stage or that there was a camera crew there but, well that's it for me and stand-up.

5) I'm going to be dragging the Hitchcock Blonde along to the London motorcycle show today. A year ago I went with H, and well it ended up having quite a far reaching effect on my life. I'm not sure it will have the same effect on The Hitchcock Blonde but I think it will at least amuse her for a while. Read about my visit to the show last year here. I just re-read it and it seems like a different world, and I had no idea I'd end up where I am now. So my advice would be, choose your trade shows wisely.

6) I really need a haircut.

Ballet Shoes for chaps.

While I wait to hear news, and pretend to myself this isn't a repeat of last June where I did some work for a job I'd really like and it went really well and then after about three weeks they said they wouldn't like to employ me I'm going to write about other things.

A few days ago The Hitchcock Blonde stayed over and at around bed time she started watching something called Ballet Shoes on my Iphone. Gosh this makes our lives sound thrilling but that's not the point. The point is just watching a bit of Ballet Shoes on a tiny screen was enough got get her so excited she couldn't sleep. If you are male you won't have read Ballet Shoes because something about having a Y chromosome means you can't enjoy it. Which is a shame because I'm sure it has some merit it just needs a bit of tweaking. So here is my list of suggested edits to classic books that only girls like so that chaps can enjoy them too.

Ballet Shoes AKA Ninja Shoes.
Ballet Shoes is about three adopted sisters, Pauline, Petrova and Posy Fossil. Each of the girls is discovered as a baby by Matthew Brown (Great-Uncle-Matthew, or Obi Wan), an elderly, absent-minded Jedi and monster truck racer, during his world travels, and sent home to his great-niece, Sylvia and her childhood nanny.

Obi Wan embarks upon an expedition of many years, and arranges for money for the family for five years. He does not return when he had planned, and despite scrimping, the money is used up. Sylvia and Nana must take in boarders to help make ends meet, which introduces a variety of people who become important to the children: Mr. Simpson (a robot), who runs an auto repair garage; Drs. Jakes and Smith, a pair of Ninjas who take over the children's schooling after Sylvia can no longer afford their school fees, and Miss Theo Dane, a martial arts teacher, who arranges for the children to begin ninja and fight training.

As the children mature, they begin to develop their own talents, and take on some of the responsibility of supporting the household. Pauline becomes a hired assassin. Petrova struggles with her duty to help support the household in the only way she's capable of as a zombie fighting priest, but keeps alive her dream of flying spaceships one day. Though she is still too young to go out on missions against super villains by the end of the book, Posy is developing into a brilliant ninja. All three sisters are inspired and kept up by their repeated vow to "get our names in the history books, because it's our own, and nobody can say it's because of our grandfathers." The book ends while the protagonists are still teenagers and their futures unclear, but the book implies that they will be successful.

See I'd read that.

Project Biodome

I'd never been to the Eden Project before so when the family had informed me they were making a trek down to see the Biodomes I thought I'd amble along too and drag along the Hitchcock Blonde for good measure.

If you've not heard of the Eden Project it's a couple of big biodomes that mimic warm environments with plants and things so it can be like visiting the Amazon but without the long flight. Jolly good, I thought it will be just like Jurassic Park, but a bit more dull.

I was sort of right, I had underestimated how much poetry, badly researched facts and other preachy nonsense could be squeezed into a biodome. Don't get me wrong the biodomes are amazing - as in the structures - but the rest of the place is a bit of a non-event.

The first picture is from a sort of display about how important plants are. If we don't have plants people will turn naked and die. It's quite an important message but it spoiled buy the fact one of the 'things' that we need and we can only have because there are plants is 'sponsors for this display'. Oh no! No sponsors? What would we do with out them?

The actual things in the Biodomes are a bit dull, I mean it's a load of plants so if you like looking at plants you are in for a great time. Lots of plants.

The signs for the various growths are extremely annoying as they don't tell you anything useful, or interesting. Instead they includes strange symbols like the one below. It's nothing that a good sub-editor couldn't sort out, someone with the gumption to say 'No' when a writer wants to include another poem about the spirit quest of the vegetable people. I don't need a sign to tell me that a plant is 'beautiful'.

Facts, that what we want. Speaking of facts. The Biodomes look like something from Mars at night, especially with the strange statue of a metal man near them. Look!



So here is my guide to having fun at the Eden Project
a) Don't stay for too long, there really isn't that much to see. You can do it all in an hour.
b) Go on a hot day.
c) Avoid reading any of the signs.
d) Don't spend too long wondering why the the gift shop sells every item of clothing possible, apart from trousers.
e) Take a Hitchcock Blonde
f) If you must pretend you are on Mars, make sure you don't get caught practicing your low-gravity Mars walk as an elderly couple from Birmingham will think you are a mental.

Monocles, Pocketwatches and Mutton Chops

Posting on Christmas day eh? I can't decide if that's tragic or noble. Probably a combination of the two. I'm taking a break from the seasonably induced over-eating to try and digest a bit before the forth (or is it fifth) large meal of the day.

It's been a good Christmas so far, I've got lots of exciting gifts including my first monocle and various motorbike related garments which are delightful. What do you buy the chap who already has several sets of motorcycle gloves for a range of seasons? Why thermal inner gloves of course!

I've also received an electric razor, I've never used one before so it was a bit confusing a first, sort of like mowing your face. Still it does a pretty good job of trimming the ol' facial fluff and sideburns. I think to celebrate the new device I'm going to grow a meaty pair of mutton chops. Oh yes indeed.

In other present news my little brother requested a pocket watch as his main gift from our mother. I had no idea that the practice of out-dated time pieces had rubbed off on him but I was very impressed. So impressed that if I had been wearing my monocle at the time it would have probably dropped off while I said 'by jove' in surprise.

The only mild downer is that the Hitchcock Blonde isn't here, which isn't to say she is far away - she is at her parents place - which is only a drive away but as I've been hitting the champagne rather hard today I don't think I should be going near any sort of car, or motorbike no matter how thermally protected my hands are. Blast.

Still I'm sure a cup of the fancy tea the Hitchcock Blonde gave me will help me pass the time. It's supposed to be the 'Prince of Teas' I'm not sure what this means, perhaps it will be short, overtly sexual and purple?

The case of the bad egg

Human beings are rather predictable, or at least they appear to be. In a place I used to work I'd occasionally have to deal with people trying to cheat the company out of things, sort of. Anyway, the people who pulled these stunts would always use the same tricks.

We'd get a wide sample of the population calling us but there were only about three or four things they would try. I don't think this was because of some online guide to cheating but it was just the way humans worked.

The other way humans are predictable is in relationships. Although strangely you can never see it in your own relations. Perhaps the fug of lust means you are unable to be rational about them? Who knows.

Either way on someone else's relationship it it easy to spot a bad egg, especially once you know the signs. I'd say it's ten times easier to spot male bad egg, but perhaps that's just because I'm a chap so I know how we work and the sort of rubbish we try to get away with. I mention this because I have a very good chum who met a chap. He seemed like an okay sort, in my limited contact and then the situation changed and he started to give off a slight whiff before descending into a stink.

I won't go into the facts, but let's just say that he turned out to be a very bad egg indeed. The thing about bad eggs is they don't get good again and this is a very important lesson indeed. I had to learn this with an egg called A but now I have the knowledge it seems worth while.

So what I'm saying is that if a chap or a chapette acts like an utter berk, treats you like crap or does thoughtless things (that's usually the best way of spotting them when they do something awful but seemingly don't realise it) then just throw them away. Even if you really fancy them and just the thought of them being near makes your knees go all wobbly, bin them.

They won't change, they aren't going to 'see the light' and become a better person, not without something major happening to them like losing a limb. You shouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour and they just aren't worth wasting time over. Once a bad egg always a bad egg.

Oh and this is MOST definitely not about The Hitchcock Blonde because she is lovely and everything is going terribly well there. The closest she gets to being a bad egg is her scrambling skills and they have come on brilliantly in the last few weeks.

Secret Cinema

The Hitchcock Blonde took me to a Secret Cinema event on Friday and it was spiffing. I would have posted about this earlier but in a rare turn of events I left my laptop at home instead of carting it up to London.

If you've not heard of Secret Cinema they are an organisation who show films in secret locations (You don't know about the location until the day of the showing) and who put a bit of work into making the experience a bit more that just sitting down and eating popcorn.

We still didn't know what the film was going to be as we queued up but when a Rick Moranis look a-like ran past shouting 'there is a bear chasing me' we worked out it was Ghostbusters.

The Royal Horticultural Hall had been taken over as a location and turned into the hotel from Ghostbusters. Parts of it had been transformed into a library, the GhostBuster offices and they even had the funny dog things and a fridge with a temple in it. There seemed to be a cast of hundreds of people running around playing various parts from the film and the fact that the set dressing was slightly low-fi really added to the fun. The chap playing Egon was a spitting image of the one from the film but the rest of the Ghostbusters were a bit, well I wasn't sure which one was Dan Akroyd and which was Bill Murray.



Ghostbusters is a classic film so I was happy to see it again and all the people dressed up was really good fun but I think if I was going to go to Secret Cinema again I'd want to know what they were showing first.

I don't think I'd quite so easily watch Dirty Dancing or even the Princess Bride. I should point that the only reason I mention the latter is because I've seen it a bit too many times.

Smug couples

Yikes, I get distracted by work interview related things and suddenly I've not posted for days. Still no real news from the interview, I had another interview for another job and so I'm waiting to hear back from that too. Also on Friday while doing some bikey stuff I met a features editor from a motorbike magazine and he wants to meet for coffee and talk about ideas which is marvellous.

So now the ideal plan would be to get this less exciting job, although it's still fairly exciting, and then write for the features editor at the weekends. Yes that could be lovely, it would suit me very well thank-you-very-much.

Aside from that not much to report. I've been practically joined at the hip with the Hitchcock Blonde. She has been taking me to exciting gigs in amazing buildings and lots of other lovely things but I've not really been reporting it because well it's a bit dull isn't it? 'We did this and it was nice, we did that and it was nice.'

I really hope I'm not becoming part of a smug couple.

Not much else to report really, I'm working a head hard on things in fact I should be working on something right now but instead I've cut my nails, had a coffee and admired my rapidly expanding collection of 18th century prints. Which isn't that impressive, a month ago I had none and now I have two, still it's a start.

Cartwheels and Dodos

At the weekend the Hitchcock Blonde revealed that she used to be a bit of a whizz at gymnastics as we walked through the park. So the subject of cartwheels came up and she of course said that there was no-way that I could back up my slightly unlikely claim of being able to do one.

In her defence I do tend to crash through life with the grace of a slightly drunk elephant but I couldn't let a challenge like that go unanswered and so one cartwheel later there were some mildly surprised people in Hyde Park and I had some very muddy gloves, and badly disguised limp.

After the impromptu gymnastics display we ambled over to the Natural History museum to look at giant eggs and dinosaurs. I've not been to the museum for ages but I still knew most of the dinosaur section of by heart and so could give a relatively informative guided tour, The Hitchcock Blonde was not as impressed by this as she should have been.

As an aside please can a scientist use the DNA from the bit of Dodos that are around and bring them back? I'd also like the return of the Elephant bird and the Giant Sloth. Thanks in advance.

One I'd had my dinosaur fix we bimbled over to the V&A to look at the glass exhibition, it was the Hitchcock Blondes choice. It didn't do a lot for me but at least compared to the dinosaurs it was very peaceful.

It wasn't that bits of class aren't jolly exciting, it's just that there was a lot of modern glass-wear there so large parts of the exhibition looked like a section of John Lewis. Actually, lets be honest here. Dinosaurs are far better than glass, even etched lead-crystal glass from the 18th century.

As a reward for not smashing up any glass we went to a nearby Dim Sum place and ordered so much food that I felt really rather unwell. I think my Dim Sum addiction has finally been cured.

A plethora of suits

I'm not sure what to wear for the interview. Normally the wardrobe area would be the one part of it all that I'd be absolutely sure of but this job is a bit different. It's for a deeply macho company and so I think any sort of flamboyant style should be toned down.

In fact one could even go in wearing some of the items associated with the macho activity which is something I'd considered but since I won't actually be doing the activity on the day it might be a bit off - After all wearing jodpers when not actually riding a horse is a bit silly. It's not something to do with horses, that was an example.

So yes, I'll have to dress smart but I suspect it will be a casual office, if not super causal so perhaps not a tie? Or perhaps a waistcoat but with some less formal shoes? This is compounded slightly as I'm off to London to visit the Hitchcock Blonde today (hurrah, I can't wait) and I have to pack in advance and any options I choose will have to be lugged across London.

Oh and I'll have to take a complete change of very large clothes with me because I'm doing something else next week that requires specialist equipment and so I'm edging into suitcase territory. I'll have to pack an overnight bag, some normal clothes, one set of interview clothes and the bulky clothes for this other activity.

I bet Ironman never had this problem.

Nonsense he wrote

Today has been sort of productive, meetings have been arranged and plans have been put in motion but in terms of writing the day peaked at about 8am and then went rapidly down hill.

I had to wake up early to do some writing homework, which was fine but and after a rather ill-advised lunch I've spent the rest of the afternoon desperately trying to fight off sleep instead of tearing through my tasks to the theme of Murder She Wrote.

The ill-advised lunch was a chance thing, my old chum the Art Dealer happened to be nearby trying to pick out a costume for a party on Thursday so we met up for a coffee which turned out to be lunch and then I dragged her across Soho to meet the Hitchcock Blonde. This slightly surprised meeting went well, especially after the art dealer chum revealed she shared a mutual interest with the Hitchcock Blonde. So that is lovely. I suspected they would get on as they both have a rather silly streak and work in vaguely the same area.

Speaking of work, I'm on the prowl for a job. Some sort of regular, reliable work would be just the ticket. Now, where does one find such a thing?

Pushing people into trees

I've spent a whole weekend in London. The trip that wasn't supposed to happen, turned into a day which turned into a weekend which has turned into 'a few days'. It's Monday and I'm still here.

It seems that the lure of London is too strong for me, I really should be attending more social engagements but instead I have to slope off back to Devon because I'm rapidly running out of clothes. It's been a funny jolly back to London with the Hitchcock Blonde, we went to a gig (the band were awful, but the venue was amazing) ate dim-sum, looked at art and went for walks in the park and kicked leaves while trying to push each other into trees.

Well that last bit makes a bit more sense if you were there.

Stepping out

The Hitchcock Blonde and I have been stepping out together quite a lot. My chums has suspected as much for a while but it was officially confirmed a week or so go.

I expected my chums to be pleased but what caught me slightly off guard was the rave reviews the Hitchcock Blonde got. I've never been out with someone so approved of, perhaps I should try and get the Hitchcock Blonde to run for office? Or maybe my friends are just taken back by me seeing someone who is just lovely.

Either way I'm going to have to change my stand-up routine, hmm.

Learning through injuries

It is amazing how often I pick up injuries. For example, just yesterday I managed to do something awful to my toe (it might be broken, how does one tell?) and mildly injure my knee. I also have a mark on my head, although that seems mostly cosmic. The cause of these injuries, well lets just say that I lost consciousness for a while and leave it at that.

As side from the injuries it was an excellent weekend, The Hitchcock Blonde was down in the West Country for a few days and so we went for walks, ate far too much and sat in front of log fires with books. We also played billiards, a sport which I am terrible at. Actually it's beyond that I'm absolutely awful but during an evening of furious drinking I seem to have got pretty good suddenly. I'm not sure if it was the slightly out of date banana beer or the blow to my head but now I'm not bad.

Perhaps I should inform the Olympic committee so they can introduce head injuries and out of date novelty drinks into their training regimes?

Birthday Kebab

Well my birthday is rattling around again. I'm not quite sure what to do for it. It's a vaguely significant birthday because, well to put it bluntly the last year has been a pretty rubbish one. Oh there were some good bits, don't get me wrong but in balance I think it was one to skip - I think all the fun bits can be condensed into a week that would mostly involve motorbikes, spiderman costumes and Hitchcock Blondes.

So yes, hopefully this age will be over. I think I should have known that it was going to be slighty iffy when my birthday came around.

I'd not had a birthday with a girlfriend, well for a terribly long time so I had no idea what to expect. Actually, thinking about it before then I'd always been single for birthdays. If you are a regular reader you will know that I was in quite a serious relationship at the time, we were living together and everything.

For my birthday I got a kebab. Yes a kebab, a chicken kebab to be exact. Now I wasn't expecting anything huge but something a bit more significant that a meat-based snack would have been, well nice. It wasn't even a sit down meal, we went to a kebab shop.

Days or so later that my girlfriend returned from shopping absolutely laden with presents. I mean she could barely hold them all, and I got a little bit excited. No mention was made of the gifts, and after what seemed like hours I politely enquired who they were for and she said she had decided to get some presents for her Aunts just because.

I didn't even get a card until a few days after that and the reason given was 'Well you seemed all grumpy so you didn't deserve it.'

It's not that I wanted a diamond waistcoat or golden pants, I just wanted something with a bit of thought in it that didn't come with a risk of food poisoning.

Still I suppose that at least I won't have to try hard to improve on it. I mean the bar has been set very low.

High Performance Sports Brogue

The visit to the shop was a success. The Hitchcock Blonde had at least nine dresses to try on at one point but eventually brought a rather conservative two dresses and then regretted not buying at least one more by the time we had arrived home.

It was a fun day out, we strolled around the streets, engaged in some light but focused shopping (I tried on a range of things but sadly the god of sizes wasn't with me) and then ambled back to the car.

Today we have been playing tennis and then messing around in the pool. I've not played tennis for well over ten years, and my skills haven't suffered in the slightest in that I'm still terrible. I have an natural urge to hit the ball as hard as possible which is not terribly conductive to playing well. Perhaps I would be better suited to a variation with an entirely enclosed court, or maybe squash. Since I wasn't prepared for tennis I ended up playing in brogues and wellies before finally settling on barefoot.

Brogues are not high-performance sports shoes but even I can't use them as an excuse for my terrible playing. I was also wearing over-larges shorts co-ordinated with a lilac tie in the place of a belt (my belts have disappeared in the move) which I found rather becoming and I think will become a 'look'.

The pool was freezing so apart from a quick dip I spent most of the time trying to rescue a frog. The frog was saved after quite a lot of hunting around with nets and we retired with a rosy glow to our cheeks that comes from helping out hapless amphibians.

I've got to dash home now to find a suitable costume, I'm going to an 'S' themed party and the look is stumping me. Mostly because the party will require a sit-down meal and the only S costumes I have aren't really ideal for semi-formal dining.