Sunday, July 05, 2009

Oh dear, oh dear indeed.

Chuck and I are over, and I'm mortified. We had a to-do before she left on her trip so we didn't part of the best of terms. I had said 'I wasn't sure about us', which was true, and that seems to have stuck.

The reason I said that is because I wanted her to be my girlfriend, not in effect girlfriend or virtual girlfriend but actual girlfriend. I got pretty screwed up by it - mostly because the two previous times I've been in a similar situation the lack of commitment was just an early warning sign that the other person was seeing other people on the sly.

That combined with work stress and a lack of sleep and I was in a bit of a weird place. Chuck wanted to see me one evening, I said I was too tired (I was exhausted) and then she phoned me in the evening. The conversation wasn't great, some things were said, and the one on my part was 'I'm not sure about us'. Chuck is a bit sensitive about this line because it's what a previous boyfriend said to her while cheating on her. I didn't cheat on Chuck, I was just tired and stressed and for a brief moment I was less than 100% about our future.

Anyway, we parted. There was some texting on holiday, and even a couple of phone calls. They were far more friendly. So I was awfully excited to see her again on Sunday. Actually that is an understatement. I moved my flights to see her earlier, and then when I realised that wasn't possible, I had to move them back. It was an expensive mistake.

On Sunday she said she was coming back on a train so I wrapped the gifts I had brought her and met up. Even though she was hungover (yesterday had been a hen party) she looked radiant to me. We said hello, kissed and hugged. Then we went for a coffee.

At first we exchanged holiday stories, and then gifts. It was lovely. Then we got on to the conversation of the unpleasantness. That was not so lovely, but it needed to be said. She did mention she had been for a drink with another man while I had been away. I wasn't pleased by this, but we were never officially going out and by any one's standards to quote Friends 'we were on a break'.

Coffee turned into lunch at our usual restaurant and that was very agreeable. Lovely even. While the subject of the unpleasantness was raised again it was being dealt with and for a bit I thought things could be saved.

This opinion lasted when she came back to my flat, We had to run back through a rain storm, and took shelter in a tree before we finally made it back to my flat. Chuck had a nap while I worked. Once I had my work out of the way we talked some more, and more, being entirely honest and then a chance remark I made, about something lovely she had done previously broke it all.

It wasn't even a negative remark, I just made a reference to something utterly lovely she had done previously and she said she suddenly realised it wasn't going to be like that anymore.

More things were said. I explained the reason I had been a bit wobbly and explained it in a way I think she got it. The reason I was wobbling was because I had mentally so committed myself - as in, right this is the one, so that's it for me and dating but it was too late.

She packed up her stuff and left, I was too shell-shocked to do much. These are unusual circumstances for me, because normally if things go a bit wobbly I'm gone but with this girl I don't want that. I don't want this to be over.

Putting my psychoanalyst head on. I think she needs me to know how upset she was by the phone conversation and things, and because she was away and then I was away it's been festering and boiling up into something terrible. If we can sort this out, then there is hope, or at least I hope there is hope if that makes sense.

I was feeling amazing and relaxed post holiday and now I feel a bit empty and a little bit sick. I really hope it's not broken.

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