Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Winter Hats

It is jolly cold here. In the interests of reducing the Carbon Brogue-print we are trying to avoid turning the heating on as much as possible so other methods have to be employed to keep a chap warm.

So I don't die of extreme (well mild) cold I am working on a plan to stay warm, here is it so far.
1) Grow some smashing facial hair to keep the face warm, ideally whiskers that you can wax while thinking on problems.
2) Burn everything you can in a 'fire'. These 'fires' are jolly hot an excellent for heating up rooms.
3) Take up pipe smoking, this means you can have a 'fire' near your face to work with the whiskers to keep it warm. Of course the wax on your whiskers might catch a bad case of being on fire from your pipe. Which while providing short term warming of the ol' noggin and a very dapper look may cause a bit of light scarring, actually why not go for it anyway.
4) Stuff cats inside you waistcoat. These little purring chaps throw out a lot of heat and come in a range of excellent colours and patterns.
5) Drink a bottle of brandy every 4 to 6 hours, this will make you have a healthy glow and also allow you to enjoy even the most drab of conversations.
6) Ensure that you share your bed with company, girls are not ideal for this as the tend to always have cold feet. Maybe a girl whose feet are ablaze would work...

Monday, September 29, 2008

How to miss your train, part 2

Well I am still in London, I was suppose to leave yesterday but I was having far too much fun, and lobster to want to go away. This puts me in a troubling position I was hoping to not enjoy London quite this much so leaving it wouldn't be too much of a trial. This didn't happen, I've had a spiffing time, absolutely spiffing and now I don't want to go but as I came up with a terribly limited wardrobe I have to.

There are other reasons why I have to return, like work things - I made the rather brave move of leaving my laptop behind which I don't regret but it means I can't really work up here. Silly chap eh?

I've been thinking a bit about the places you end up in, what I mean is how removed where I am now is from where I was say, five years ago or ten. Actually even a year ago feels like an entirely different world.

So perhaps it's time to go shopping for a new suit to usher in this new period? Yes, I think it's time but time for what? I've got more than enough tweed and velvet and that wouldn't be quite right, maybe a safari suit? Or something equally strange like that.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

How to miss your train, part 1

Ah, Soho. It's a special part of town, you can have evenings in Soho
that you just can't have anywhere else.

You can have whole days of nonsense there too. Yesterday was one such
bash, twelve hours of the sort of antics that would have Oliver Reed
saying 'steady on old bean'.

People were ruined before The French House was suggested as a post
party venue and when we started on the iconic half pints things got a
bit more messy.

Friday, September 26, 2008


After careful thought I would like to say that I think London is excellent fun. Where else can you see a chap in a smashing white frock when you pop out to get some over-priced lunch? You just don't get the same quality of cross dressing in Devon and so far my various meetings with people have gone jolly well, jolly well indeed. Hurrah for travel.

I have started drinking already, and now I am viewing the afternoon through a pleasant wine induced blur. We had post-lunch cocktails at a club (the one that Piqued goes to a lot but is still excitingly new to me) and now I'm drinking in the office. In a moment we are going off to another office where we will be drinking vodka with someone in drag and taking photos of this event.

To say it's a slightly different Friday experience to what I've been enjoying recently is a bit of an understatement.


I'm having and excellent time in London, although I did get ticked off
for skipping. It seems that I'm not really serious enough for the
capital anymore.

Maybe if I wear some sensible shoes that will help me get in the right

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Projects, Projects, Projects

That's what I'm involved in at the moment, I've got lots of things going on. Many irons in the fire or what ever that silly phrase is. The net affect of this is that I have lots of reasons to spend hours frowning at my phone waiting for it to ring or tell me I have a new email.

Perhaps I should do something useful like reorganise my cravat collection or see which gloves go best with my new jacket. Yes that would be a more productive use of my time.

Short posts for short people.

This is what today is mostly about.

Actually it's not really, I just think this sketch is brilliantly on the money.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I say Top Hat old bean

Yet another surprising turn. I'm going up to London this week, tickets have been booked (by the people who want me in London) looks are being compiled and plans are being formulated. I'm really rather looking forward to it, which is strange, but perhaps Wales can have that effect on a chap.

I've been doing a bit of the ol' soul searching over the past week, mostly about if I should keep this blog chugging away, it's been good to me and so I should probably continue it, plus it's where I can write absolute piffle and that shouldn't be underestimated.

Every piffle has it's place.

Monday, September 15, 2008


I had a bit of a quiet Sunday. I needed to recover after the weekend and my little brother and I decided to mark the passing of our father so we had a look through the old photo albums and talked about things. It was important to do something even if it wasn't something massive.

Anyway, I'm going to take a few days off this blog. Toodle pip

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A series of observations

1) Sometimes it is good to meet your heroes as they will turn out to be unbelievably nice and you will have a long chat about all sorts of things including both losing members of your family to cancer and if you should keep their numbers in your phone. You should as a way of remembering them.

2) Male bonding is very special, you can go with a group of complete strangers to do something. After doing that thing for about fifteen minutes, unable to see the other people or talk to them you are firm friends. I've just realised that description makes it sound like I engaged in a depraved sex-act this weekend, I didn't.

3) It's not a proper weekend away unless some part of you aches afterwards. Again, sounds like a rude thing.

4) Sometimes when you are trying to make a series of observations just end up seemingly hinting that you did rude things with large groups of men.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sleepless in Swansea

It's about 5am, I should be asleep getting as much rest as possible
ready for today activities. However I am so excited by what I am going
to do that I can't sleep.

Instead I'm pacing around my room and taking pointless photographs of
the tea making supplies.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Oh Happy Day!

I have had a spiffing day absolutely spiffing, but as a side effect I won't be going to London. I have an assignment, a dream assignment the sort that only comes along every now and then. It is so marvellous that I did a little celebration jig, and then another one. I'm still dancing around a little bit.

This assignment will involve an entirely new suit of clothes, two days of doing something marvellous and a trip to another country* and at the end of it all I'll get a certificate. I like adventures where you get a certificate at the end.

All this means that I'll be doing something my dad absolutely loved on the weekend of his death, I can think of no more fitting tribute to him than that.

*Admittedly Wales rather than somewhere hot.

Abe Lincoln and his amazing beard

I'm starting to get ready for my trip to London, a social calender is being put together, various meetings have been arranged and I've shaved off my silly Miami Vice beard.

While shaving I discovered that an Abe Lincoln beard rather suits me, so perhaps I should go and join a puritanical order in America for a bit. I don't think I'd get on with the religious aspect but the facial hair wouldn't be a problem.

Also I've just found out that my 'slot' for the stand-up is 25 minutes, that's erm about 20 minutes longer than any previous slots I've had so my options are:
a) Say everything five times.
b) Speak at 20% of normal speed.
c) Come up with some new stuff.

Currently A is winning, but B has potential too. The only way C is going to really work is if my journey up to London turns out to be hilarious in a 20 minute sort of way, not exactly likely but we shall see. Or, I could try and date four women in the next four days and try and squeeze five minutes of material out of each relationship. That might work...

Monday, September 08, 2008

Packing informal hats

I've got a gig in London this weekend and I completely forgot about it, yikes! Not only did I agree to do some stand-up I have a few fairly important parties that I really should attend. So perhaps a return to the capital is in order.

This means I'll have to shave my luxuriant beard which is shame; but probably for the greater good. And then think about what I'll take with me, I'll have a social engagement every night so I'll need a few looks but I really don't want to have to take a whole suitcase. Hmm, this will be tricky. Perhaps if I just take a couple of informal hats and only one or two changes of brogues.

Of course if I can co-ordinate my trip with some work stuff, well that would be excellent otherwise it will just be a jolly across the capital which will be fun but not a terribly good idea. Although, many a grand adventure has started off with something that could be described as 'not a terribly good idea'.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Stupid Geese

It's been raining here a lot, I mean a lot. The fields have turned into swampland. The chickens aren't terribly amused by this, we have had to relocate all their houses so that they aren't submerged.

The ducks are okay with the swampy fields but they don't like all the raining - if it's sideways rain they tend to just hide. The only animals who don't seem to change their habits for the rain are the geese. They just stroll around honking about how it is raining.

'I just got hit by something wet'

'I another wet thing just landed on me'

Geese are really stupid, that special sort of stupid that would do really well working in local government. They are excellent at ignoring the facts and acting in a way that seems completely illogical - I'm amazed they haven't run for office yet.

Friday, September 05, 2008

The Iphone, a jolly late review

I've given in and got an Iphone. Now I should preface this with that I'm not an Apple sort of chap, we had Apples at the magazine I used to work at and they were a nightmare to deal with, everything was so expensive to replace and they were constantly doing weird things that made no sense - the weeks spent trying to make them talk to printers at the same time as PCs still makes me shiver with horror.

Anyway, as someone who would be seen in two different tweeds before he would buy an Apple computer buying an Iphone was a bit of a step for me. Admittedly I used to have an Ipod and it was marvellous, but on my first date with TP it got lightly crushed and the screen broke so it sadly is now retired.

I've had a Blackberry phone for over a year now and it's been terribly good. Since I'm a freelance journalist it's really useful to be plugged into my emails all the time - especially when an editor needs to check a couple of things at the last minute. I'm sure if I had a 9 to 5 job the idea of 'the man' being able to constantly email me would be less appealing but for me it's perfect. Sadly recently the Blackberry has started forgetting things, like emails, so it needed replacing and I made the move to an Iphone.

I've only had my new phone for about a week now but I'm completely sold on it. Rather annoyingly Googlemail doesn't 'push' to the Iphone (so it doesn't tell you when an email arrives, you have to check yourself) which I'm imformed will be sorted out soon but apart from that it's better in every way. The map system is frightningly good - it's a little alarming that it can tell my location with in meters without a GPS system. Having another Internet connection is extremely handy, especially when the land line broadband is constantly being interrupted and apart from a couple of niggling things (I can't work out how to cut and paste) it's an excellent bit of equipment.

It's even pleasantly slim so a chap can wear it with a fitted suit.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Nerd talk in relationships

I know lots of people who would be described as geeks, they are good eggs. Well I suppose they are like normal people but they just happen to have extensive knowledge about fictional subjects and or languages that people don't really speak (C++ and C for example).

There is this long running geek 'joke' that you call your kids Version 2.0, as if they were a new iteration of a program. I use the quote marks because it's such an old joke even Shakespeare would have trouble slapping his knee over it and going 'Ha'.

Anyway, in the same line of thought I was thinking of other nerd terms that could be used to describe other things. I mean terms that less technologically aware people would understand.

For example, a program in Beta means it's an early version prone to crashing that everyone is testing out. If the program is good you put up with the problems because it could turn into something wonderful. This could be applied to all sorts of things.

Louche - 'I say Jeff old chap, how is your relationship going with Sarah?'
Jeff - 'Rather well, but it's still in Beta.'
Louche - 'Blimes.'

Actually I can't think of any other examples, blast.

An open letter to my immune system

Dear Chaps,

We've been through some good times and some tough times together, I feel we have a special bond. We've been through a lot and that makes people closer. Now I like hankies as much as the next chap, possibly more but I do feel the cold and various other aliments that has been with us for weeks now is getting a little excessive.

Perhaps like a house guest over staying it's welcome we should gently usher it towards the door and tell it that we look forward to seeing it soon. It's jolly exciting having new people and things to stay over in the old body but I think it's time we got rid of this once and for all.

I know the summer has been pretty rotten and all that but it's time we all pulled together, I mean it's just about to start being party season again and we'd all hate to miss out on some bashes because we were feeling a bit unwell.

Kindest regards,


Award time

Ah the GQ awards rumble around again and surprisingly people give a damn. It's a strange old world where the editor of GQ, Dylan Jones, is the only person who makes David Cameron look cool in comparison. GQ is a magazine that has completely and utterly jumped the shark and so in the spirit of that I've decided to announce my own awards to provide some balance.

The Dylan Jones Award for unpopularity while being in charge of something
Gordon Brown

The award for 'style icon' that no-one really wants to look like
Some chap a band where they wear really tight trousers

The Rolling Stones award for still being alive to the point when most people suspect Necromancy.
William Shatner

The Louche award for starting a list of things and then realising it's not quite as funny as you thought and that you really should be writing something a bit more productive, or failing that about motorbikes.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

R.I.P. A duck

One of our ducks was killed yesterday in an accident. It was reversed over by a van. It's not the drivers fault, the ducks are so tame the concept of anything being dangerous is utterly alien to them so the poor thing didn't have the brains to get out of the way.

I don't think the other ducks realised what had happened as they kept coming over to see the dead duck and standing near it so it could be part of the mass swarm of ducks again. I gave the duck a full viking burial last night, well I made a boat out of paper and rubbish and then burned that with it in it, we don't normally keep miniature longboats about just in case something like this happens.

It's not all sad here, one of the cats has discovered a false beard (from a Father Christmas costume) and he is attacking it with vigour. I had no idea cats were so anti facial hair, it might be wise for me to shave before I suffer the same fate.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Miami Beard

A few days have passed since the party and yet I'm still sporting the silly slightly-crafted stubble beard.

I went for the Miami Vice look at the party, a character called Sonny Crockett gave me an excellent excuse to wear a white suit with the sleeves rolled up and a pale blue t-shirt. This look doesn't really go that well with a rural setting (white clothes and muddly fields don't get on) but it worked for the bash.

Right, I think it's time for a mid-morning coffee.