Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Organised Crime to launch apprentice scheme

Fictional Crime Lord Don Vito Corleone has announced that the Mafia are going to start an apprentice scheme.

"Due to the credit crunch thousands of untrained workers are taking up crime without the right training or support network. We are going to help these people learn to do their new jobs well, on the job. In the modern world of crime we have to take a progressive attitude, and this means ensuring that the next generation know how to do their jobs and that they have jobs.

In an ideal environment everyone would be able to find a job as a low-level enforcer or a pimp but there just isn't the demand. We think this scheme will help people learn new skills while the economy is in trouble. And of course if it doesn't work, forget about it."

'Razor Thumbs' Coleman, of the muggers support group welcomed the news.

"Traditional forms of crime are being pushed out by modern high-tech crime which is often farmed out to foreign countries. We understand that there are market pressures and it's very hard to compete with the far East when it comes to price, but we also think it is possible to be competitive and provide much needed local jobs.

The neighbourhood burglar used to be a key part of the community. I can remember when every small village had a brothel and somewhere you could get the plates on a car swapped over, but that's all gone now. It's very sad."

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