It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Sadly I don't often have cause to quote Dickens but it seems very apt. My life seems to be split into the good and the not so good. My career is going quite well, and it lets me do all sorts of fun things in the name of reporting but it's not really providing an awe-inspiring income. I do okay, and I should definitely allow for the fact I'm doing something I love but it does concern me slightly that I'm only a few commissions away from being unemployed. There is no stability, some months I'll do really well but these seem to always match up with a bill or something dull like that.
I suppose this is the lot of the freelancer, constantly chasing the next story or assignment and who knows maybe today I'll get offered some regular work. Perhaps a column talking about misadventures and japes on the London scene, but until then I'll have to keep fighting away to find the next story.
Which seems to make it all sound a bit glum, and it's not, it really isn't. The money isn't quite what it could be, but then I've only really been doing this seriously for six months so I think I should give it a bit of time.
The really troubling part is grief. I'm not really equiped to deal with it. I suppose no-one is really and because of what I do I spend a lot of time thinking, which is exactly what you don't want to do when you are having a dark day.
The other thing that makes it troubling is that it's hard for people who haven't lost a parent to understand what it is like. It's a completely new and alien experience so if it hasn't happened someone they don't really understand it. This lack of comprehenision has caused some issues, especially in relationships.
I've got some great chums, I really do and I can talk to them about lots of things to try and sort them out but I think the problem with the dad related bits is I don't know what I want to express. It appears to be a Gordian knot of a problem and I can't conceive of an Alexander inspired solution.*
*He just chopped the impossible knot with a sword to undo it.
