Saturday, January 31, 2009

World Economic Forum meets with Davros in Switzerland

The World Economic Forum has been discussing the global credit crisis with the leader of the Daleks. Davros is most famous for creating the murderous machines known as the Daleks but he is also a respected figure in the world of economics and finance.

"Davros isn't such a bad guy." Said a government spokesperson. "I mean he has made a few bad choices in his life but I think it's time to move on. He has a lot to offer us and after all he is no-where near as bad as Peter Mandelson and he is a lord now. Actually Lord Davros sounds rather good, we should make a note of this."

Rumours are circulating that Davros plans to create a race of machines to take over the banking sector and restore order but nothing has been confirmed. Davros declined to comment but released the following statement.


Windmills of your mind

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've been working so hard and travelling so much that well I've just been knackered. Here are some facts.

1) I am moving out of London. The commute to work is outrageous and it's slowly killing me. The place I'll be moving to isn't as exciting as London but is about a quarter of the price so I've rented a flat for less than the cost of my weekly train ticket. The plan is to rent a crappy place for a few months and then live somewhere lovely, like a windmill.

2) I still love my job, probably a bit too much. I mean really love it. I've even started to understand the webs of power that are in the office, all companies have them, and if anything it's rather entertaining. This one has fairly low-key political struggles which is probably due to the fact it's mostly chaps working there.

3) The Hitchcock Blonde has just insisted that item 3 is about her. We are still going out, which I think nearly makes her my longest girlfriend EVER. She was not amused by me moving away but we had a chat about it and we are going to give it a go. I then included this chat in a stand-up show which went down very well, well went down well with the audience.

4) That stand-up performance was good, but I think it will be my last. I just don't enjoy it. It might just be because unlike the other gigs I was almost supernaturally tired before I went up on stage or that there was a camera crew there but, well that's it for me and stand-up.

5) I'm going to be dragging the Hitchcock Blonde along to the London motorcycle show today. A year ago I went with H, and well it ended up having quite a far reaching effect on my life. I'm not sure it will have the same effect on The Hitchcock Blonde but I think it will at least amuse her for a while. Read about my visit to the show last year here. I just re-read it and it seems like a different world, and I had no idea I'd end up where I am now. So my advice would be, choose your trade shows wisely.

6) I really need a haircut.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Labour peers revealed to be working for Lord Voldemort

The Times revealed today that several Labour Peers were working for the Dark Lord himself. Suspicious were first raised when The Times realised that there was a Lord Snape, a name long associated with evil magic.

A complicated sting operation was organised where two journalists posing as goblins asked Lord Snape if he liked eating kittens and punching orphans. Lord Snape and his associate Lord Evil Von Bad agreed and then went on to say that yesterday they smashed a couple of windows on the way to the House of Lords, totally smoked on the bus and then ate a unicorn

When the Times printed the story Lord Snape and Lord Taylor denied the allegations and went on to say

"The statements were taken entirely out of context, we didn't sign nothing. Oh and I wasn't even there. Innit Blud"

These allegations come in the wake of previous scandals of corruption that have dogged the Labour Government in recent months. Only just before Christmas a minor party member was revealed to be a Manticore and in August of last year The chief whip was forced to resign when The Daily Mail found evidence of him raising an army of the undead to mass vote in local elections.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Credit crunch causes sales of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes to boom

Kellogg's announced record profits today, bucking the trend across the sector.

"It's been amazing," said Julie Frownmaucher, a spokesperson for Kellogg's. "It's almost entirely due to Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. We would have been posting a loss if it hadn't been for them.

Crunchy Nuts have always been a strong seller for us but we really lucked out due to the naming of the economic troubles. The 'Credit Crunch' means that we are getting name checked constantly and when people go to the supermarket they can't help but have 'crunch' in their minds.

It's been mass advertising on a huge scale, something we could never normally afford. Off the back of this we are going to launch a few new products. Reeses Recession Cups, Angel Downturn Delight and our new Bankruptcy Breakfast range."

Not everyone is enjoying such good times. Nestlé are battling hard to have the Credit Crunch renamed to the Credit Shredd, to tie in with Shreddies but with not much success.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cyclists campaign to get buses out of bus lanes.

"They are a menace," said Crispin Peddlelot from the London Cyclist group. "These huge hulking machines fill the entire lane and chuck out tonnes of pollution. When you factor in how much congestion they cause it's amazing they are still around.

These Buses are clogging up London and they need to go. How many cyclists need to be knocked off their bikes by these horrible things before someone in the government sits up and takes notice? We need to get them out of the bus lanes now."

Crispin is leading the charge against buses but they aren't the only target.

"Once we have got rid of the buses, the next thing we want is to get people off the pavement. For far too long they have, quite literally stood in the way of cyclists and that needs to change."

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Organised Crime to launch apprentice scheme

Fictional Crime Lord Don Vito Corleone has announced that the Mafia are going to start an apprentice scheme.

"Due to the credit crunch thousands of untrained workers are taking up crime without the right training or support network. We are going to help these people learn to do their new jobs well, on the job. In the modern world of crime we have to take a progressive attitude, and this means ensuring that the next generation know how to do their jobs and that they have jobs.

In an ideal environment everyone would be able to find a job as a low-level enforcer or a pimp but there just isn't the demand. We think this scheme will help people learn new skills while the economy is in trouble. And of course if it doesn't work, forget about it."

'Razor Thumbs' Coleman, of the muggers support group welcomed the news.

"Traditional forms of crime are being pushed out by modern high-tech crime which is often farmed out to foreign countries. We understand that there are market pressures and it's very hard to compete with the far East when it comes to price, but we also think it is possible to be competitive and provide much needed local jobs.

The neighbourhood burglar used to be a key part of the community. I can remember when every small village had a brothel and somewhere you could get the plates on a car swapped over, but that's all gone now. It's very sad."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Update, contains actual facts.

I have some explaining to do. I started posting nonsense because I had no news, and well there are only so many times a chap can post about how he is waiting. So instead of that I posted a silly entirely fictional story about Robert Mugabe.

This fictional story got picked up by a few news websites as fact, which is a testament to how automatically syndicating news from blogs can be a bad idea. Anyway flush with the success of the Mugabe story, I posted a few more. The one about liberal democrats dying out also got picked up my a few other environment websites as news.

Silly chaps eh?

Anyway, in the future I think I’ll post more nonsense stories as they seem to go down well. Flights of fancy aside I did get the news I wanted and I’ll be starting the new job on Monday. The job I wanted. Hurrah! I can’t wait, I really can’t as it ever since I got the confirmation I’ve had a bit of trouble sleeping at nights because if I think about going to work I get all excited and get into ideas mode which is very different from sleep mode.

I need to go flat hunting now, which is a bore but rather important as I’m sofa surfing at the moment. I need somewhere reasonably near to King’s Cross but with somewhere to store a motorcycle so it’s quite a specific requirement. I think one of those lovely Mews houses is the best bet, one just like my friend had but sadly that’s already gone to someone else. Blast. Still I’m sure something will come along, these things do tend to always work out.

To mark the occasion of a new job and in many ways, a new start I went and brought a smashing new coat and due to the almost total collapse of the retail sector I got it for an absolute steal. Hurrah for economic collapse.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Gordon Brown admits 'size was a factor' with Heathrow expansion

In a surprisingly candid interview Gordon Brown has admitted that wanting the biggest airport was a factor in the approved expansion of Heathrow.

"Sarkozy was going on about how big his airport was and how it helped him land this totally hot wife. I got a spam email about expanding my girth to impress the ladies and suddenly it all became clear.

If I really wanted to satisfy the people, and by people I mean sexy birds, I'd need the longest schlong, *ahem* I mean runway. While I understand there will be environmental concerns about this we shouldn't over look the fact that I'll be able to brag to almost every leader in Europe about how big my airports are. I think we can all agree that rocks. IN YOUR FACE SARKOZY"

Andy Wobblet, The spokesperson of the Union of the Sellers of Toblerone and Travel Plug sets had this to say.

"While we realise that most of the people travelling through the expanded airport won't actually help the British economy in the slightest they will be brilliant for us. This expansion will help support 3,000 jobs in the Toblerone mines in Switzerland and ensure the future of the people who make those funny little plug things. Basically anyone with a shop outside Heathrow airport is going to be fucked."

Andy Wobblet isn't the only person to realise this. Sir Phillip Green, head of a load of shops has put forward the following plan.

"The high street as we know it is dead, and so we have made the bold decision to move our entire selection of shops inside Heathrow. We have to move with the times, and this means putting 100% of our retail sites inside Terminal 6"

Mohammed Alfied, owner of Harrods is also said to be seriously considering relocating the iconic London store inside Terminal 6. He declined to comment but a subsidery of his, Tacky Inc is said to be lobbying the government to expand Heathrow to include Knightsbridge.

(this post might be a lie)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Gordon Brown speaks to Ocean Finance about consolidating UK debts

Gordon Brown has revealed that his new economic stimulus package is based on Ocean Finance helping him consolidate the UKs finances.

"I was a bit scared to talk to them at first," said Mr Brown, "but they were so lovely on the phone it was really easy. Initially I wasn't sure it if it was a good idea but they have that Carol Vorderman on their adverts and she knows about numbers and shit."

Mr Brown is reported to be extremely pleased with the level of service he received. "I've reduced my monthly payments massively, and I even borrowed a bit extra so I can buy myself a nice holiday somewhere hot. Of course since I'm paying less a month the UK will be paying off these debts for the next thousand years but I'll be dead by then and aliens may have invaded so I don't really give a damn."

Geoff Rogers, head of risk management at Ocean Finance had this to say.

"In the event of an alien invasion we would expect the UK to continue paying as Mr Brown decided not to take out the additional fictional event cover. If he misses payments we would have to repossess Great Britain and sell it off to recover our losses. We don't think we'd make much from Cornwall, but Wales has seen a massive increase in value thanks to Doctor Who being filmed there and people love that show."

Doctor Who was unavailable for comment

(This post is a lie)

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

WWF put Liberal Democrats on endangered species list

The WWF (World Wildlife Fund) have recently made a new addition to their endangered specises list, Liberal Democrats, or to use the more common names 'Lib-dems' or 'Wigs'.

This move is the final measure to try and protect this fragile species after numbers have fallen rapidly in the last fifty years. This move will hopefully increase the international pressure to preserve these fragile creatures.

"It's a shocking state of events," said David Nussbaum, Chief Executive of WWF UK. "Most children have never even seen a Liberal Democrat and think they are a fictional creature like Unicorns and Dragons. We're not sure what has caused the numbers to plummet so rapidly, it might just be that the environment is changing faster than they can adapt. In a very real sense Liberal Democrats might be the first victims of Global warming."

Other political parties at risk include The UK independence party and 'People who still like Tony Blair', which is at particular risk as there are no breeding pairs left in the wild.

(This post is a lie)

Successful Author offered Blog deal

Award-winning author Stephen King has been offered a blog deal by Wordpress. They have offered him a flat fee of nothing in exchange for writing about his pants and what his cats did today.

"It's a huge step for me," said Mr King. "I've always wanted to make the move into blogging and this deal represents the final stage after years of hard work. I didn't think that I'd be lucky enough to land a blog deal but I'd like to thank everyone who has supported me this far."

Fluffy McHead, head of Publishing at Transworld had this to say.

"The market is rapidly changing and publishing needs to move to reflect this. A few books have been made from successful blogs but we are looking in new directions which is how we landed on this. Stephen is going to base the blog loosely on a couple of his books but try and string it out as much as possible. To reflect the new style we have asked him to remove any plotting elements and to focus as much as possible on the dream he had last night and to post as many pictures of his pets as he can."

Stephen King isn't the only author to be thinking of moving into blogging. J K Rowling, the author of the hugely successful Harry Potter series is also thinking about setting up a blog.

"I've got a bit of a following with books, so I think blogging is the next logical step for me. There is an audence out there who really want to know if I'm having a fat day and what I had for breakfast and so I want to write for them. I might do some erotic poetry as well."

No money has been offered to Ms Rowling but there was talk about possibly allowing her a cut of Google Adwords. Ms Rowling is said to be excited about this.

(This post is a lie)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Robert Mugabe quits after discovering Facebook group against him

Robert Mugabe resigned today after discovering that a Facebook group had been set up against him.

"I had no idea that people thought this way. Political protest is one thing but some of the posts on the wall in that group about me were horrible. I don't have a fat head, who said this" He said, before running off to his room crying.

A short while later he had updated his twitter status to say that he 'hated the interspaz and didn't have a fat head, okay'

The international community are shocked by this sudden development but Ban Ki-moon of the Republic of Korea, the eighth Secretary-General of the United Nations had this to say.

"People don't realise the power of these Facebook groups. In the 60s and 70s huge marches were required to protest against things but these days a few bored people will join a group just to break up the flow of wedding photos. Seriously though, is there a way of making it so you don't see everyone's wedding photos of Facebook? I only friended those people from my old school to see how fat they had become."

Other unpopular international leaders are now nervously checking Facebook. Kim Jong-il, the Leader of North Korea is said to only have a Beebo account, and spends most of his time on Flickr anyway but it is only a matter of time before he realises the scale of the disapproval out there, and the wall posts about him.

Jonathan Evans, the new head of MI5 revealed that Facebook is only be the latest tool used by the intelligence community.

"The situation in Iraq proved that you can't just use brute force to change a regime, we need to use social networking as a vector to undermine these people and let them know we think they are losers. It's not just a way of spreading information, we can use it to gather it as well. I have become friends with Osama Bin-Laden on Facebook and now I can find out what his status updates are. One day he is going to trip up and reveal too much and then we will have him."

These tactics have already been proven to work. General Petraeus the mastermind behind the successful 'surge' in Iraq revealed in a recent interview that the turning point was the creation of WWW.CAN-I-HAZ-AN-IED.COM where pictures of insurgents were captioned with poor spelling.

"Oh my god, that was so skill," said General Petraeus, "We did this one where a man was falling over and the caption said 'CAUSING TERROR UR DOIN IT RONG' it got thousands of hits and the next day it was everywhere."

Even though Mugabe has now left office he thinking about starting up a blog. "Yeah it will be aces." He said in a press conference. "I'm going to like totally raw and I'm going to reveal loads of secrets and stuff."

Mugabe made his first post a few moments after that and it was about what he had for lunch and how he hated his best friend. Several publishers have approached him with interest provided he is willing change the style slightly to turn it into Chick-lit and rewrite his time in office so that he was a ditzy 20 something with messy hair who just couldn't meet Mr Right.

(This post is entirely a lie, and is at best a ham-fisted attempt at satire although Robert Mugabe does have a fat head)

Friday, January 09, 2009

Earning your mustache

Today was a day I became worthy of growing a mustache. I phoned up the people at The Job and said that I needed to know a start date because I was unable to take up other work until I had it.

They asked what sort of work and I said that had been put forward for a job with direct competitor and while I wasn't that interested in it I didn't want to cancel that until I had a solid confirmation of a job with them.

This was done in a very pally way, you know, just between blokes with facial hair. So now I'll have a definite answer on Wednesday. This isn't so bad when viewed in isolation but they said last year they wanted to employ me. *sigh* sometimes big businesses are a pain to work for.

Still that gives me more time to become hirsute.

Hot dates with jobs

Still no real news - I had a quick chat yesterday with the chap and he said things were still 'go' but it hadn't been made official yet. This is a marked change from pre-Christmas where they were frantically moving things around to be able to employ me. Ho-hum.

I'm in a strange sort of limbo. It's sort of like when you start going out with someone but you aren't sure if you are officially an item or not. Is it okay to talk to other jobs? What about go out with them? I mean if it's not offical then it's not wrong if another job wants to take me out for a nice meal is it?

Thankfully I'm not completely taking this sitting down. The direct competitor of The Job are looking for someone as well and I've been put forward for the role by an agent. I'm not sure the competitor would be such a good move in the long term but I hate being in this limbo state, it's just not cricket, so I have to do something.

Is a start date too much to ask?

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Ballet Shoes for chaps.

While I wait to hear news, and pretend to myself this isn't a repeat of last June where I did some work for a job I'd really like and it went really well and then after about three weeks they said they wouldn't like to employ me I'm going to write about other things.

A few days ago The Hitchcock Blonde stayed over and at around bed time she started watching something called Ballet Shoes on my Iphone. Gosh this makes our lives sound thrilling but that's not the point. The point is just watching a bit of Ballet Shoes on a tiny screen was enough got get her so excited she couldn't sleep. If you are male you won't have read Ballet Shoes because something about having a Y chromosome means you can't enjoy it. Which is a shame because I'm sure it has some merit it just needs a bit of tweaking. So here is my list of suggested edits to classic books that only girls like so that chaps can enjoy them too.

Ballet Shoes AKA Ninja Shoes.
Ballet Shoes is about three adopted sisters, Pauline, Petrova and Posy Fossil. Each of the girls is discovered as a baby by Matthew Brown (Great-Uncle-Matthew, or Obi Wan), an elderly, absent-minded Jedi and monster truck racer, during his world travels, and sent home to his great-niece, Sylvia and her childhood nanny.

Obi Wan embarks upon an expedition of many years, and arranges for money for the family for five years. He does not return when he had planned, and despite scrimping, the money is used up. Sylvia and Nana must take in boarders to help make ends meet, which introduces a variety of people who become important to the children: Mr. Simpson (a robot), who runs an auto repair garage; Drs. Jakes and Smith, a pair of Ninjas who take over the children's schooling after Sylvia can no longer afford their school fees, and Miss Theo Dane, a martial arts teacher, who arranges for the children to begin ninja and fight training.

As the children mature, they begin to develop their own talents, and take on some of the responsibility of supporting the household. Pauline becomes a hired assassin. Petrova struggles with her duty to help support the household in the only way she's capable of as a zombie fighting priest, but keeps alive her dream of flying spaceships one day. Though she is still too young to go out on missions against super villains by the end of the book, Posy is developing into a brilliant ninja. All three sisters are inspired and kept up by their repeated vow to "get our names in the history books, because it's our own, and nobody can say it's because of our grandfathers." The book ends while the protagonists are still teenagers and their futures unclear, but the book implies that they will be successful.

See I'd read that.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Waiting by the phone

Somewhere in an office a meeting is going on. This meeting involves someone who wants to employ me talking to their boss about if they can employ me. Their boss has been on holiday for weeks which is why it's taken this long to find out.

As you can imagine I'm checking my phone and emails about every twenty seconds.

More news as and when I get it.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Project Biodome

I'd never been to the Eden Project before so when the family had informed me they were making a trek down to see the Biodomes I thought I'd amble along too and drag along the Hitchcock Blonde for good measure.

If you've not heard of the Eden Project it's a couple of big biodomes that mimic warm environments with plants and things so it can be like visiting the Amazon but without the long flight. Jolly good, I thought it will be just like Jurassic Park, but a bit more dull.

I was sort of right, I had underestimated how much poetry, badly researched facts and other preachy nonsense could be squeezed into a biodome. Don't get me wrong the biodomes are amazing - as in the structures - but the rest of the place is a bit of a non-event.

The first picture is from a sort of display about how important plants are. If we don't have plants people will turn naked and die. It's quite an important message but it spoiled buy the fact one of the 'things' that we need and we can only have because there are plants is 'sponsors for this display'. Oh no! No sponsors? What would we do with out them?

The actual things in the Biodomes are a bit dull, I mean it's a load of plants so if you like looking at plants you are in for a great time. Lots of plants.

The signs for the various growths are extremely annoying as they don't tell you anything useful, or interesting. Instead they includes strange symbols like the one below. It's nothing that a good sub-editor couldn't sort out, someone with the gumption to say 'No' when a writer wants to include another poem about the spirit quest of the vegetable people. I don't need a sign to tell me that a plant is 'beautiful'.

Facts, that what we want. Speaking of facts. The Biodomes look like something from Mars at night, especially with the strange statue of a metal man near them. Look!

So here is my guide to having fun at the Eden Project
a) Don't stay for too long, there really isn't that much to see. You can do it all in an hour.
b) Go on a hot day.
c) Avoid reading any of the signs.
d) Don't spend too long wondering why the the gift shop sells every item of clothing possible, apart from trousers.
e) Take a Hitchcock Blonde
f) If you must pretend you are on Mars, make sure you don't get caught practicing your low-gravity Mars walk as an elderly couple from Birmingham will think you are a mental.