I'm off

My journey back to the West Country is about to begin. This means I'm going to be with out an internet connection for about six whole days. As shocking is that sounds I think I can just about survive it provided I'm careful.

I'll do a long report when I get back but I think I'm going to use this time with out work, or the internet to do some jolly serious thinking, and have lots of meals. That's what we do in the West Country, eat and think.

Okay mostly eat.

Warning, this will be a sad post

I'm going off to see my father today, I'll be hopping on a trian straight after work and then spending just shy of a week with him and my little brother.

This is a bit of a significant holiday as it is extremely likely it will be the last chance I'll get to spend with my father before the cancer gets him.

I imagine we will probably go fly fishing and he will tell me bites of wisdom while we are in the middle of a stream, in the deep South of America. What will really happen is I'm going to spend a lot of time screaming about on motorbikes and being bitten by goats, which I think is better in some ways.

Either way its going to be quite a week, I should make sure I pack enough gin.

The Feminist

I'm going to be seeing the girl I met for cocktails on the eve of Valentine's Day again, I'm rather taken with her so I've decided she gets a name. She shall be known as The Feminist. The picture is of course Emmeline Pankhurst who was also a Feminist, but I have never been for cocktails with her.

We are going to go on a ghost walk when I get back from my holiday. I hope it will be spooktacular.

French Martini, the return

I'm back on the dating scene now. This means that I'm back to my old tricks of drinking French Martinis and also storing a fresh set of clothes in my desk at work so if I find myself at an inpromptue sleepover I have something to suitable to wear at work.

I had a date on Sunday with a new girl, she looked almost exactly like a young Nigella which was as you can imagine very good with me. I introduced her to French Martini's and talked about nonsense. She told me about how awful she was at driving and and used her eyes to great effect. I will definitely be seeing her again.

The magic of eyeliner

I'm normally a brunette sort of chap. I might even go so far as to say I'm quite well known for being a brunette only sort of chap who can be jolly good friends with blonds but doesn't really like them in that way.

Anyway, I realised that some blonds can be rather nice, but only if they wear too much eyeliner, and listen to French jazz.

Blasted devices

My telephone has bally well broken. It started to malfunction when I was on my way to meet a very lovely girl for cocktails. It froze after a text message arrived from my friend, and it's never been the same since. It won't stay on for long and it keeps flashing strange lights at me.

I really don't know what to do with it. Normally not having a phone would be a delightful release, but in the middle of carefully co-ordinated flirting it's a bit of a no-no. Honestly, you would expect your gadgets to all pull together during important times like this.

The Year of the Pig

It's the year of the pig.

O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Time to bimble down to Chinatown and join in the fun, I might even pick up a new pair of gloves. That seems like a suitable thing to do to mark the occasion of the new year. New year, new gloves, and maybe a hat.

Back from the woods

I am returned from charging around the woods. One person had to leave early because he cut his head on a rock and had to go to A&E (He is okay but he is going to have a corker of a scar). We did more running around and I ache in places I didn't know you could ache in. There is something so wonderful about a proper forest, it fills a chap with vim and vigour. I'm currently glowing with good health like a Victorian strong man.

If you go down to the woods today

I'm going to go to the woods today, proper woods. Woods outside zone 2 where men can be men and run around with twigs. I'm going to spend all day charging around trees and bushes eating fresh fruit and stuff.

It's going to be marvellous, sort like the male version of going to a health spar. Any mud on the face will be just because I fell over in a muddly place.

Right I have to find my tweeds now. Where did I bally well put the blighted things?

Oh but she did...

Well she did contact, me just a few moments ago. She said she had a manic day so hadn't had time to email me. Which she probably did, but I must say I don't know if that is the sort of behavour that gets girls invited out to special cocktail places. We shall have to see how things unfold.

Watson, the game is afoot.

Why?

Do ladies, when they reach a certain age feel a sudden burning need to wear leopard print tops? What is it about this specific pattern that is so intoxicating to them?

I'm trying to think of a thing that men are drawn to as much, but I can't.

Oh and the girl from last night hasn't replied to my message, so I guess the search must begin again.

Late-date

I had my first date through the website last night. It was extremely brisk we went from first contact to arranging cocktails in about 8 hours.

The plan was originally to go to this great little cuban place I know where they do the amazing mango and ginger daiquiris you will ever taste. It's a suitably louche gem of a bar and would have been perfect for a first meeting.

Sadly Soho wasn't an option so we ended up going out in my old haunt of Chelsea. It was a bit of a jaunt from Hampstead but had the advantage of being my old prowling ground so I knew all the good places for a cocktail or two late at night when a chap is trying to give the impression of being thrillingly charming.

We arrived at once such place, she turned up first by a matter of minutes and I swanned in after giving up to the fates and getting a cab. It was raining impressively so everyone enterting the place could make a dramatic entrance like something out of the Malteze Falcon.

She was far more pretty than her picture (which was attractive) and all together lovely. My very good friend N who is going to be vetting the girls from this site, or at least that is the plan, is bound to approve of her. She was intelligent, witty, creative, interesting and had studied feminisim at university. I don't think I'll ever meet a girl who N would approve of more than this one.

It was a good first date, we exchanged strange travel stories and talked about nonsense. I made a remark about making people paper mache dinosaurs that seemed to go down extremely well, in fact there was a lot of laughter.

After a good few rounds of cocktails, ending in an espresso martini for me which was excellent, we left and I got a cab home.

I'd like to see her again (any man would) but I'm not so sure of her intentions. It's one of those things really, unless a date ends with a girl doing something rude on me I find it very hard to judge how it went. At the least it was an entertaining evening and for my first full day on this website hopefully a jolly good indicator of things to come.

Lovely things

There is this dating website you can join where your profile is written by a friend where you only get to reply to what they have made. I can't say about the quality of the site for meeting people (although a friend of mine seems to do jolly well out of it) but the best thing about it is writing nice things about friends.

It's lovely just to write something really nice about someone you like with the intention of just making more people realise how spiffing they are. Maybe the website works off the instant karma generated from this? By doing a good act you increase your chances of nice things happening to you.

I'm going to make sure I give up my seat on the underground today, just to make sure that my karma is in tippity top condition.

Slow day

I'm not drunk, or hungover and I can catagorically state that when you aren't drunk or hungover Fridays are just as trying as if you are in a blissful state of intoxication.

Tonight is going to be a multi-party night, in the early evening I meeting up with a chap who is a bit of a rake. He is jolly charming provided you aren't a woman he fances, in that case he is extra charming and then usually is a bit of a bounder.

After meeting up for pints with him (to meet girls of course) I'm meeting up with a female friend who was fairly recently seduced by him. They are not on the best of terms to say the least but I am stead-fastly staying neutral on it.

Although I must admit I'm not going to introduce him to any more of my female friends, the fall out is rather tiresome.

I do hope I don't get a hangover tomorrow, but I have a feeling tonight might be surprisingly boozy.

Other people's jobs

I was working my little socks off yesterday (Actually they were quite big winter socks) Every now and then things happen, things beyond my control that mean I have to do two weeks worth of work in a week.

While I was having one of those weeks the people sat opposite me were.

1) Measuring a lightbulb to buy a new one. They didn't want to go to the local hardware shop because it was cold so they spent 3 hours measuring a bulb. Then they gave up.

2) Doing extensive research into dog racing.

I should point out that neither of these are activities that would be productive to work, they just decided that they felt they would do that.

Snow (reprise)

It's massively snowy here, it's AMAZING. Radio 4 is missing key presenters because they are snowed in and it's still going, the snow of a few weeks ago seems fey and weak compared to the mighty storm going on outside my window.

I'm probably going to get hunted down by a pack of wolves on the way to work.

Brilliant.

'I'll bite your tits off'

I went to the pub last night, again I only popped in to say hello but I didn't leave till closing time. Not because a Scotch was about (He is coming in March, honestly I am such a berk when it comes to dates) but because I got talking with someone at work I really get on with.

We were talking nonsense and then I said something along the lines of there are some things I don't tell work people because I don't like to put weight on other people's shoulders. She got mortally offended, and so to stop her drunken rant I told her what I was referring to.

I said I had already written my letter of resignation. She was horrified and started crying which was even worse. After a while she managed to calm down enough to talk again and proceeded to tell me off about how she had fought my corner and that if I left she would 'bite my tits off'.

I'm still not sure what a chap should say in reply to that.

She then questioned me in a confused manner about how it seemed that I had been getting on so well with the Berk who has been put in charge of me. The Berk by all accounts said he thought it was going brilliantly.

I said it was like a World War 2 prison-camp escape film. I'm being polite to the guards just long enough to walk around the parade ground and shake the dirt out of my trousers from Charlie tunnel. By Jingo you can't let them get suspicious when you are planning a get away.

Oops

I've just realised what the date is. It's the 5th! This is significant because my old flatmate and massive friend from Scotland is coming over to say for a couple of days on his way back from New Zealand. He has been over there for a few months, hobbit hunting or some such nonsense and he is on his way back to get a job and get back on the grindstone.

Last time I saw him we went to slightly risque party painted as angels. Photos of this event are on the Internet. We are the most burly angels you'll ever see.

Anyway, it should be a bit more sedate, but the timing isn't brilliant. Monday and Tuesdays are the worst days for me at work so I can't get them off, even if I had remembered about him visiting.

Any tips on how to amuse a visiting Scotch would be very welcome. Otherwise we will just fall back to 'get spaztastically drunk'

I'm broken

I went out drinking last night with the chaps. I got abosolutely destroyed. Today has been an almost complete write off.

It always seems to be such a good idea at the time to get another pint in a funny glass, and now I'm not well because of the evil booze.

I need to mend my face. Why is there never a sexy nurse about when you want one?

The story of shoes

I was walking to the shops to do so shopping and I saw these shoes.

Why were they there? Did someone walking home decide that they were just too uncomfortable and put them aside neatly? Or perhaps they had been put out for the bin men, discarded because of matters of style?

Or maybe someone was wearing them and met the love of their love, so decided to leave London behind, they left their shoes and all worldly possessions and set off to open a bar in Brazil and spend the rest of their days making mojitos in the sun.

Who knows eh?

Feeling fruity

Well spring is in the air, and after months of living in a world of darkness (leaving for and returning from work in darkness is so very wrong) the sun is back. It's not really warm enough for light-weight linen suits but it's definitely heading that way.

I want to go on a date, I don't really want the responsibilty of a girlfriend, or even a one-night-stand I just want a pleasant evening where the air is awash with intent and the conversation is just the right side of prickly.

Oh and while I'm at it, I'd like a unicorn and a spaceship.

Valentines Day

*runs into room*

I made this. It made people snigger, so I'm going to share it.

*runs out of room*

Strange things about my rolodex

I was flicking through my rolodex today while working on a piece. As I moved through it I realised I have kissed at least half off the people on it. Not just ‘mwah’ style kisses but something with a bit of intent.

Is this normal? Does everyone have a business rolodex where they have had a fling or two with half of the people on it? If you only count the woman then the number is even more damning.

I feel like such a tart, and by jove I rather like it.

The Little Black Book

I was having a bit of a clean up this weekend, sorting out things and re-arranging my room. Yes my life is really that exciting. Anyway, while rooting around looking for a CD (which admittedly I still haven't found) I came across my little black book.

It's a bit out of date, but still it's satisfyingly full of names, some of which I can't even remember who they are exactly. It's like a relic of a time gone by, a simplier time of roguish abandon at parties across London.

There are some fond memories in it, girls I met while shopping for shoes, or ones I met in museums. Some who met me back and even one who stalked me for a while (she is helpfully marked down as 'BAD PERSON').

Maybe it's time to get back to being a bit of a rake, I've got the book after all.

A rudimentary knowledge of Bulgarian geography

I went to a launch party for a glamour modeling agency. Now glamour means two different things depending on the sex involved.

Female Glamour model : A bit ropey but will take her top off.

Male Glamour model: Extremely vain, probably gay.

Of course no place can really be that bad when you are being fed free booze and food. I drank lots of wine and then talked to an extremely pretty Bulgarian woman about belly dancing. Thanks to a geography project I did when I was 9 I was able to talk about Bulgaria's capital with ease and even go on to discuss the native fauna of Bulgaria.

She asked for my phone number, and so finally that lesson was useful (Mrs Thomas my old Geography teacher will be delighted). I wonder which class in school will help next? Perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to use algebra or a precis of the Battle of the Somme to wow someone into bed.

Snow!

It snowed today, snow is magical and wonderful and brilliant. Here is a picture of the snow, it was jolly cold and made that brilliant crunching noise when I walked through it.

The snow crunching noise is one of the best noises in the world. Other good noises are presents being put under a tree, silky underwear being removed and ice being plonked into a glass. I'd like to have an evening when all of these could be combined.

I bet I could do it in Norway, Norway is a land of dreams where all your wishes come true.

Cousins

I went to the family shoot at the weekend, it was full of cousins and I ate lots of food. It was nice but as the family shoot is when one introduces someone to the family (some one significant of course) I was dealing with a lot of girlfriend related questions, to which there really isn't the perfect answer. Matriarchs of the family require more information then something along the lines of 'I never have the time'.

It was a nice day though, and it was lovely to be back in the countryside. I realised that I really am a country chap, this whole living in the city thing is just a phase I'm going through. Some people like Elastica for a bit or decide to become a vegetarian, I get a career.

Gander winkies

At the weekend I learned what a gander's winky looked like. It's a bit like a starfishes arm, yes a lot like a starfishes arm. I don't know what a starfishes winky would look like but probably not a goose.

I once saw a ducks winky, it was pink and looked like a corkscrew.

If you were wondering the second gander from the back is the one whose winky I have seen, we had to do it to find out what sex it was. The presence of the winky confirmed it is a gander rather than a goose.

I imagine for the goose it was a bit like something out of close encounters. It was snatched away from it's friends, held in strange ways (you have to hold a goose by the neck to stop it struggling) and examined under bright lights with a bit of poking of naughty bits.

I wonder if the other geese believed it.

Jareth is not amused.

Well something has happened at work, the one thing I feared apart from the sky falling in on my head. The person I really, really don't get on with (and haven't since the beginning) has been put in charge of me.

I'm not a man of rash actions but it's time to move on, if you knew this person you would completely understand. Everyone who knows him has gone. 'f*** what are you going to do?'

I'm not one for rash decisions, and even though when I was told the news the person informing said don't make any knee jerk reactions, this is the cut off point for me. Almost from the moment I was working with this person I swore that I would never work for them, so this has been considered for a while. To give you an example, 14 people worked for him and quit in one year because they couldn't stand him. It's worth noting that there are 15 people in the company at the moment.

I've just got to find something to do while I finish book related stuff, I made some calls last night, and I'm going to look at some other options.

R

You know, it's suprising how little you use the R key really. And the fact that is a bit wonky adds character to my laptop.

It's not so much character that I'm not going to have it fixed the moment I next get paid but it's definitely nothing to lose sleep over.

There are far worse things going on in the world after all , some people have really bad hair cuts and yesterday I saw a lady wearing leggings, in public!

When will they learn? Eh?

Oh la-la she is lovely.

My lady of the week is Annelise Hesme, currently staring in some advert for a Car, Renault I think. She has a sort of argument with an English chap and wears nice dresses. Occasionally she scrunches up her face with rage and bites her lip, there is a bit with a car too.

Gosh she is lovely, I'd like to go for walks with her with a dog (of course we would have argued over the name of it in a flirty manner, she would have won and called it Milou) and then on for coffee in a strange little place just off Hampstead Heath.

We'd Stop off to go to the antique bookshop and also somewhere to get some sexy French boots for her. On the way back we would get root vegetables and I would cook her supper while she perched on the counter drinking red wine and occasionally helping with the chopping.

It would be a nice day.

Writing

I've been suffering a bit from writers block recently, which is naughty. I've got to start forcing myself to do something every day, no matter what. I have been keeping a notepad on me at all times and making little records when something amusing happens so that is good.

I also need a good short-term reward scheme, so that when I've have been good and done some writing I get a reward, and when I haven't been so well behaved, well something to make me not want that to happen.

I'm not exactly sure if the lady on the left is a reward or a punishment, but she does have rather nice boots on.

The strangest things are sometimes calming

I had a bit of a strange email conversation with my Father today, I was asking about what he would like to have at his funeral, I was told by a friend it's important to ask this sort of thing. While I was waiting for his reply I started thinking about my own funeral and it was strangely calming.

What would you have at your funeral? Do you think a parade of elephants is too much? And what about the wake? Do you want soulful laments or perhaps a brass band?

A bit of an update with a picture of some melons

Friday - Popping into the pub turned into a bit of a drinking event. I went in and the editor said

'This is a meeting, it's not fun. You can tell it isn't fun because I don't have a cock in my mouth'

I decided to stay for a couple thinking that a glass of wine or two would only improve my cooking skill when I finally made it to girls house to cook her a meal. A work college confessed her love for me, repeatedly and between us we finished off three bottles of wine.

Some hours later I stumbled into her door with a very good bottle of chablis. I was ruined and talking nonsense. The girl ordered a chinese and discovered what 'being in the dog house' means, it was just like being in a real relationship. Bless.

Saturday - Woke because another girl decided to text me a picture of her breasts (Without any prompting I should add) with the line 'your (SIC) not dreaming'.

Made tea and spent a relaxed morning watching Boston Legal and talking nonsense (mutual this time). Headed back to my flat. Animal Crossing arrived, spent 6 hours messing around with it.
Went to a party in a pub in Clerkenwell. It was the smokiest pub ever and was full smug couples. Drank too much, talked to lesbians went home.

Sunday - Super mega clean of flat while listening to Northern Soul. More Animal Crossing and then accidentally pinging the 'r' key off my laptop. It won't go back on properly.

Oh and I've got a sort of a date thingy next Thursday, but more importantly on Saturday I'm going to a lesbian wedding. What on earth, will I wear?

I'm not gay, but sometimes I'm Doris Day.

I'm in a friendship at the moment, I say friendship like relationship without the naughtiness. We spend quality time together, speak a lot on the phone but it's just friends and that is what it shall be.

When this was first put to me I was not amused, I was in rather a state of undress (Although I should point the woman had disrobed far more then me) and things had been appearing to head towards something. She said that she would much rather have me around as a friend than has a boyfriend which tend to only have a limited shelf-life. Once the pheromone fueled fug had dissipated I have to agree with her. Girlfriends don't tend to hang around for long but female friends are around for the distance.

So here I am, spending most weekends with a friend having quality and jolly nice it is too. I even got a bit of a telling off for stumbling back late from the pub. It was just like being in a relationship. I'll be forgetting significant dates next.

New Year Resolutions

Well they are a bit late but here they are anyway.

1) Finish the book. With out wanting to kill the mood I'd like my father to see a copy before, well you know.
2) Be seduced more often. For some reason, since I moved to London, I have an adventure with a girl every New Year's Eve. Typically ending with some sort of seduction, it's nice when someone puts in that much effort to see you naked.
3) Get on Have I Got News For You. This one is a tricky one but lets see eh?

Lavender or the lady.

I'm experiementing with a new scent, this one has hints of lavender, not an over powering amount just a subtle note.

It's a spiffing fragrance just on the right side of foppishness but sadly I've been informed that this jolly pleasant girl I've been spending time with is allegeric to it. Now things aren't anything between is, we have just been having a lot of quality experiences. It's like an affair but with a PG rating.

But can I continue to wear lavender if it brings her out in a rash? Should a chap abandon a new scent for a girl? Or is fate trying to tell me something by the fact that this woman can't be around it?

Oh and before I forget

I heard two great things last night.

1)There is a scientifically proven relationship between short trousers and schizophrenia, fear the man in poorly sized trousers.

2)I got talking to a Doctor who had been in A&E earlier that evening with a lady who tried to kill herself with a syringe used for goats filled with lavender oil, in the groin. Think about that for a while, pay special attention to the words, goat, lavender oil and groin.

Crimble, billiards and letting go.

Christmas was ace, I ate more than my fair share, wallowed around in front of roaring fires and got a lovely new scarf. Get in.

I'm currently writing this from Norwich, I was invited up to spend New Year's Eve with a girl. She has the most beautiful flat in the world, it's a converted mill and outside my window is canal. Some people I know are horribly together. We've spent most of the weekend lounging around and then shopping. It's a jolly good combination.

Last night we drank four bottles of champagne and then ended up playing strip billiards. I won. Sadly just at the point when things nearly got decidedly interesting the girl started talking about her ex who she isn't over yet, it was two and a half years ago that it ended.

Girls are rubbish sometimes, I mean can't a chap enjoy a wholesome game of strip billiards with out the girl getting all melancholy? It's enough to turn a chap gay.

Wimbledon.

Last night I went a friend’s house and it was lovely. She has a beautiful flat in Wimbledon with cream carpets and that special sort of decorating that has hardly anything in any of the rooms but by Jove you know the items that are there are very carefully chosen. I felt that I should have worn a tie just to cross the threshold.

We drank vats of mulled wine, then went to the pub for pints of Guinness and then back to the flat for more wine and a bit of whisky. I’ve never been a whisky drinker but there was something nice about drinking something that is older than you are. We talked about all sorts of things, but mostly about our mutual friend B who we both adore and my friend, who I introduced her to, who then acted like a real cad. Honestly, some men make me feel guilty for being on the same team

We talked all sorts of nonsense and the real gem was Breadsticks.

I said that for me love was being with someone that you can wake up by sticking a breadstick up their nose. They would be annoyed and chase you just enough to make you collapse in to fits of giggles while they cover you in jam as revenge.

That’s what love is, breadsticks.

Hurrah!

I heard back from the Publisher yesterday, she loved what I sent over! It needs a bit of tweaking on some sections but it's all very good.

How did I mark this special occasion? By going to a friends house who was ill and feeding her soup and honey tea. Morally I should have been getting trashed on champagne and dancing around on tables but instead I was force-feeding clementines to someone and re-arranging pillows.

Still there is always tonight...

Time is passing.

Yes, I've been rubbish. I've been late, and honestly I just haven't been giving this blog the care and the attention it deserves. I'm sorry.

So what is new with me? It's party season so almost every night I've been out at one bash or another including some very ill-advised singing and also an encounter with someone that really shouldn't have happened. In my defence Y tu mamá también was on the telly and I had drunk far, far too much mulled wine

And if Christmas isn't the time for ill-advised sexual encounters then when is?

Apart from that there hasn't been much of note, I've sent over a load of stuff to the publisher so I'm waiting to hear back from them. It's a bit like when you hand your homework in at school, except in this case I actually care about getting a good mark. Yup, I've always been a rebel.

Strange times, and Amy.

I just spoke to my flatmate, he was in the Millenium Bar with Alexander Livtienko so he has spent the last week talking to the Health Protection Agency to see if he needs to be tested for radiation poisoning. He has all sorts of exciting letters assuring him that he isn't going to die.

He can remember bumping in to a very rude Russian chap in the bar but was rather busy enjoying his food rather than looking out for spy related activity in pubs.

Speaking of pubs, last night I saw Amy Winehouse, she was in Camden with us. Sadly I didn't talk to her, she was surrounded by a wall of people with bad hair and I was with friends so I couldn't really abandon them. But I have seen her in the flesh at least, she is tiny and rather gorgeous. Which is exactly the opposite of what I expected.

The poor lamb must have had a bit of a cold and a dicky stomach as she had the sniffles and was in an out of the loo all evening. I'm sure she will be be about some more, hopefully feeling a bit better.

Look it's really me

My new suit is amazing, so amazing that I think the people of the internet need to see it. This is going to 'out me', but I think it is worth it - you need to see these clothes.

Anyway, so this is me, and my suit.

I'm back

Yes, I know it has been a while but it was quite a trip. I hired a car (Which is excellent fun, I'd recommend it to anyone) and zoomed down to East Bourne for the wetting of a babies head. I stopped on the way to pick up a girl 'IP' (not quite in that way) in Croydon who ended up joining me on part of the adventure.

In East Bourne we met up with a load of my Brightonian pals and the new father. He was very jolly if a little tired looking and we drank suitable amounts of booze while talking nonsense. It's a bit strange to have one of my male counter-parts, who was wonderfully irresponsible become a grown up.

We drank a lot and then retired to The Bear's house for a bit more booze. I crashed out at some point in the morning mid way through watching a film with IP. We retired to our respective bedrooms (Bear has a very large, very nice house full of suits of armour and battle axes) for the evening.
Sadly Bear had to go off to work the next day IP and I were left alone watching films and eating toast. At about lunch time I set off for stage two of my quest, dropping IP off at a nearby train station.

The drive to Devon was fairly long but not too bad, I've done a lot of long distance driving and it didn't involve any strange mountains or dangers so it was quite calming really. I arrived at my mothers house at around 6pm and the relaxing section of my holiday began. I ate well, spent time with geese, dogs, ducks and cats and enjoyed not thinking too much. I also picked up a marvelous new suit (more on this later)

After a few days the time had come to visit my estranged father in Wales. This drive was a bit more tricky as I had only done it once before and then my little brother had been navigating. Surprisingly, I didn't get lost in the slightest. My father lives on a the top of a hill, down an extremely long, muddy track. It's so remote it makes the Overlook seem like a trendy boutique hotel in the heart of the city. He's house is ramshackle place full of goats and a very large dog, wind swept and faintly reminiscent of the village in Borat.

The meeting with my father was fraught, we don't really have a relationship and he isn't going to be around for very long so we have to have something, although what it may be is hard to say. We went for a drive in his car, it was supposed to be a visit to a Gold Mine ( I requested some quality time) but the mine was closed so it was a tour of Wales in a small car with a brief visit to the Irish sea.

It was weird, but okay really. I started to get a bit stressed half way through it but some how the rolling waves of the Irish Sea smashing on the black rocks of Wales was strangely calming. After that it got a bit better. I went back to his house and his new wife cooked us a rather good meal while my dad and I had a slightly terse conversation about work and things.

The tough part was reading a Macmillan book about dealing with cancer, it had a section on things to do when the end is near that was very troubling - that caused some tricky moments. Then I went to bed. I left early the next morning with out any breakfast (my choice) and set off on my way.

It was a quite harrowing experience but I had to do it. Hopefully it will be easier next time.

After that I visited an old flame and helped her decorate which was lovely. This old flame, lets call her K used to be an adult actress but is now retraining to be a plumber. I've never been one for DIY but it was really nice painting and talking, I'd recommend it as a date. You are doing something that is involving and it lends it self very well to polite talking. We chatted about all sorts of things, she revealed some real secrets to me. It was a nice way to spend a day and just about distracting enough to forget the other things.

We were painting till about 2am and then we retired to her bed on the understanding that nothing was going to happen. I don't think I've ever shared a bed with someone and been so careful about not touching them, it was positively Victorian. It was a fairly good nights sleep, we both had subtle notes of fresh paint in our hair but that rather added to the experience. The next morning I had a cup of tea and left for work (who were having a bit of a thing and needed me).

K looked lovely in the morning, I'd like to say right now that I think women look at their best when they are slightly blurry eyed when they rise. This goes for all women, the fluffy hair and slight air of lovable helplessness is very beguiling.

Work was manic when I arrived, it was like the end of days. I was stressed and looking rather rough as I had stopped at my flat only to drop off my suitcase, get a parking ticket and then take the hire car back.

It was a hard day, but it had been quite a week.

To there and back

Well, I'm off on a quest today, or at least tomorrow. I will be going to the South Coast first, across to Devon and then up to Wales. It's going to have everything - New Life in the wetting of the babies head in Brighton, excitement (I'm driving so it's bound to be thrilling) and then going to see my dad...

I shall come back a different person, there is no doubt of that. So I should probably pack an extra waistcoat.

You never get the truth from a liar.

A bit of a mixed day today, I worked my little socks off at work. It was silly, I did about a weeks work in a morning and then started doing other complicated yet cunning things. It's amazing how much you get done when you are forcing yourself to work instead of dealing with someone you don't like...

Anyway I went for lunch with the girl I caught having an affair, we talked about her chap situation, I'm the only person who knows so she can't talk to other people about it. And she mentioned what A's new boyfriend looks like, I'd met him.

It was like the bit in a film when it all comes together, my introduction to him at one of A's gigs was almost exactly the point at which she started acting all weird. So that was what was behind it all, and it all makes sense now. She had found someone else, of course she still wanted all the attention but she had her eye on someone else.

The Ice Queen agreed, she said that sadly when ever someone starts acting all strange on you suddenly it usually means they have met someone else.

So even when I had an evening of absolute truth with A, she still lied. Now all I can think about is how lucky I was to escape with just a few emotional cuts and bruises.

People are awful sometimes.

Beagles

I had a day off, and it was wonderful. In the morning did some writing - not as much as I should have but it was a day off after all.

Then I met a good friend near Regent's Park to borrow her Beagle for a couple hours while she was in a business meeting. Scrabble (the Beagle) and I trotted off to Regent's Park and spent a couple of extremely pleasant hours scampering around kicking up leaves and running around trees. The park was quite empty but I suppose that is to be expected on a slightly chilly and damp mid-week day.

It started raining and as Scrabble isn't a fan of rain (I do like opinions in dogs) we set off home. I briefly called a friend to see if she was about for a coffee (sadly she wasn't) and then got on the tube. Scrabble was an angel, and impressed all the fellow travellers.

I dropped the dog off to his owner who was meeting with some arty types (She is an art dealer) one of whom was very good friends with Andy Worhol. He had some very amusing stories to tell and was a very jolly sort talking with a broad New York accent and making huge gestures with his massive hands.

After this the art dealer and I shopped for clothes for Scrabble and then went for supper. I had a dash too much red wine and then made my way home pleasantly sozzled and tired from a busy day.

I just checked my work email, I've got two emails waiting for me from women I met at Erotica. It's nice to be pursued, even if it is totally the wrong time for anything like that.

The Ice Queen and a communication break down.

I was at Erotica and I got a text message from The Ice Queen. Regular readers will know the Ice Queen is one of my best friends, we get on extremely well but it's just a friend thing. So the following message seemed a bit strange.

'I woke up so hot and wet, I need something between my legs'

Blimes, I thought. She must have texted it to the wrong number, so I let her know

'I think you sent this to the wrong number'

To which was replied

'Yes, I'm so hot and I had a really nice dream with you, I'm at home, alone'

This has to be the wrong number, I thought. so I replied with

'This is Louche you know'

She replied with

'Doesn't Louche fuck? Come on, don't be gay with me, I just want a funny time, I feel dirty today'

Blimes I thought again, and after a quick call to a mutual friend I texted back with

'Ice Queen, I love you to bits but I don't want to mess up our brilliant friendship'

And I was sent back

'I knew, u r gay. I don't know why I had to ask for that little favour, fuck you fucking gay.'

It was all a bit much really, this with all the whole Erotica experience and having hardly any sleep - had been a bit of a naughty boy and stayed up rather late drinking with girls. I was horrified that I had lost a really good friend.

Then I got a call from the Ice Queen from her land line, my first question was 'Having you been taking drugs?' She was shocked and asked what was I going on about. It turns out her phone had been stolen last night, some random person was sending me text messages for a laugh.

The world is a weird place some times.

Erotica and the looks of love.

I worked at Erotica this weekend, it was as horrible as ever. If you've never been to Erotica I would actually recommend it. For a couple of hours it can be strangely good fun to stroll around looking at the unusual items for sale and the strange people who go there.

People really dress up for Erotica, or perhaps the other way. If you ever wanted to see the nipples of a 50 year old woman, or a man with a pot-belly in a thong this is the place to go. While I like that there are couples who are clearly still ticking each others boxes you also see things you really rather wouldn't.

It's just all so sleazy, wanton I can deal with but nasty leering men are another thing. And after days and days of it, pretending to like people is rather challenging.

Any way there were some amusing moments. I ended up having supper with a woman who is currently having an affair with one of the chaps from Inxs, she was letting everyone listen to the filthy phone messages he had been leaving her.

Then a swinging couple showed me the three expressions you need to swing. Apparently swinging at events is all about eye contact. And there are three different looks
1) GO AWAY.
If you can imagine the look you give someone after making a really sarky comment or a bit of a put down you are about right.
2) WATCH, BUT DON'T TOUCH
This one you make eye contact and smile while looking away, sort of like being coy and flirty I suppose.
3) COME AND JOIN IN THE FUN.
This one is brazen, you make eye contact, look them up and down especially focusing on the crotch area and then look them straight in the eye nodding slightly.

Well now you know.

Grr! Girls

Well sadly I couldn't get a ticket to see Amy - I ended up chatting directly with her management but I had left it too late. It's probably for the best, I read the interview she did with our music editor and she doesn't come across well, yet again. I think if we ever meet my lovely day dreams would be over.

I found out today that A has a boyfriend, and it is a bit serious. He is called Colin. I know I shouldn't care but being bested by a man called Colin smarts, it really does.

Work is being trying at the moment, I'm working with A (who is not my favourite person at the moment as I'm sure you can imagine - I completely understand why people warn you about work flings.) and the Aussie chap who is a rampant egotist and all round nasty piece of work.

In short, I just don't like going in anymore and I can't see the situation changing for a while. This means I have to concentrate on my writing more which is hard because it's Erotica this week so I have no free time. My agent liked what I sent over but wants me to boil down the concept of what I want to say more, this is going to take proper quality time.

Of course I think this is annoying me more than it should because my father contacted me again, he has secondary cancer in the liver which gives him a life expectancy only slightly better than cut flowers.

What-a-fucking-week.

Amy, Amy, Amy

Hello, my names Louche and I fancy Amy Winehouse. I've been told I shouldn't but there is something strangely alluring about her.

I brought her first album because I fancied her and it turned out to be jolly good. Someone I know well knows her, and yet she refuses to introduce me. Which while being probably for the best is rather annoying.

Anyway, Amy has a gig tonight and I'm thinking about going. I've never seen her in the flesh but getting hold of tickets is proving tricky. I can't do the work blag as work have already interviewed her (with out me knowing, yes it is outrageous) so I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I think I might make it a personal quest to go, other things in my life have flared up again so I could do with a distraction. It's Amy or a bottle of gin and I think Amy might give me less of a hangover.

A quick one

Lots going on, here are the key facts.

The Ice Queen when for drinks with the object of her love, the one man on the planet who she can't wrap around her finger, they snogged he confessed his love. And then the next day acted if nothing happened.

Men can be so disappointing sometimes, although this man is such a berk it's hard to imagine him doing the right thing.

I said goodbye to my old assistant, who is going back to America to live with a man. It was so very sad to see her go, but also lovely to spend time with her, however brief and remember the fun we used to have. She is so very outrageous and I shall miss her more than I let on.

I've got an agent now, so that is good. I'm going down to Devon this weekend to do some more work on the book. I've got to hammer out a two page summary of what it is all about. This is all jolly exciting but also rather stressful. My evenings are about working now, not lounging about eating grapes.

Oh and I've finally caught that blasted cold that has been shooting around, this is what happens if you link to strange girls on the internet.

Three days

Friday:
Extremely hungover all day - did very little due to the bad state of face, the morning was okay but the afternoon went on forever.

After that I went to a party - the launch for a sex toy. This involved going to a club in Victoria and drinking lots of very sickly cocktails. Why do all launches have horrible cocktails these days? Even our second birthday had some deeply suspect drinks.

This party also doubled as a goodbye to a lovely girl I work with, so that was sad. She hadn't been with us awfully long but she had made an impact. Due to my extreme tiredness I just couldn't get into 'the zone' so at about 11 I skipped off to get the tube home.

Saturday:
Lots of sleeping mostly. Then I went to meet an old flame, or at least a girl who was almost an old flame a couple of times. It was supposed to be a supper party (which I normally loath as they are full of smug couples talking about kitchens and pensions) but it ended up just being drinks in a bar and then more drinks in a gay club in Soho. I danced for a while but the not quite an old flame was acting a bit strange so at 2am so I decided to call it a night.

I suppose I should expect some slightly unusual behavour from her, we have almost had something a few times and then it has drifted away. Which makes me think that we will probably never have anything.

Sunday:
Woke up early, and did lots of writing. I've been mostly writing about my experiences of dating the porn star and trying to make them as humourous as possible. I nailed it to the point that I was laughing out loud at some of the stuff I had written. Fueled by this I cycled to get some bits and bobs so I could do some cooking from Nigella's book. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, a bit more writing and cooking interesting dishes.

The two potato bake with halloumi cheese was especially good, god bless Nigella. Why can't I meet a nice girls like Nigella?

Closure.

What a day. A and I went to a work thing in Kent. This involved a fairly long train journey, she fell asleep I did some work on my computer. The work thing was very dull but it was one of those occasions where you have to go and at the very end there were some interesting bits, mostly we passed the time doing drawings on the complimentary note pads.

After that we got the train back, she fell asleep on my shoulder, I did some more work. We went up to West Hampstead so I could drop my laptop home (I didn’t really want to be dragging it around with me at the party later) while I was wombling home she was sent to the shops on West End Lane to have a look at what they could offer.

I dropped off my computer, and various goodies from the trip and then marched out again. We met in the restaurant had spotted when I first moved to the area as one she would like, and took a lovely table by the window so we could see the people of Hampstead going by.

It was a very pleasant meal, she chose a good white which complimented the mushrooms well and we talked about relationships and things. She has been seeing a few different people since we stopped, I’ve been mostly turning down girls because they aren’t as much fun. Then we agreed that the Sunday when she came over and I cooked her artichokes was a most perfect day.

She had spotted a dress in the shops that she loved and it was in the sale so that was mentioned a few times, with a plan to walk past the shop on the way to the party. So after the meal, and probably a bottle too many of the wine we strolled down to the tube towards the party.

The shop was still open so she danced in and tried on the dress, it was stunning, and like the style of dress I had remarked earlier that she should get. So she got it and we ran on to the tube. When we arrived at the party (fashionably late of course) it hadn’t opened so we went to a nearby bar and had a drink to kill time. This descended in a shot drinking session where I discovered that silver Aftershock is very nasty, but the black stuff is okay. We were considerably drunk by this point and there was some kissing on the cheeks going on – A on mine, it was a bit over the top involving tongues I didn’t really know what to make of it.

We went to the party, it was in a huge house just off Regent’s Park that had been cleared out and sort of turned into a venue. The place was rammed with men and we managed to shoulder our way to the bar to get some booze. Stopping for a dance and I said hello to a few people I knew.

There was a small amount of dancing, a bit of drinking and then A decided she needed to go so I walked her to the tube. On the way we got into a discussion that got rather heated about things. I had the view that what we had for a while was brilliant and I thought it was silly to give up on it. Her view was well hard to understand. She is still beating herself up over the old chap and things.

It was at that moment when I finally got what my female friends had been warning me about, A is always going to be trouble. She is always going to be high maintenance and flighty and she has some real issues she needs to deal with.

I’m just tired of it all now, I’m not going to hang around on the off chance she finally does sort herself out.

Think of it as a new start, or at least closure.

The meaning of roses.

This week's flowers are roses. They are very lovely orange ones, with slightly darker edges as if they have been lightly played over with a blow-torch. They are jolly thirsty plants, I've never encountered flowers with such an desire for water - of course I could just have a leak in my vase. I'm trying to become better with flowers, cut ones are okay because you get to throw them away after a week so it's not that hard to keep them alive.

I've been looking up what different flowers mean, sadly hardly anyone speaks flower these days. Orange roses mean facination, and the plethora of leaves surrounding them signify hope which seems a bit apt as I have supper with A on Thursday. Part of me is thinking that I need a dramatic ending for the book I am working on which is why I'm doing it, and the other part is laughing at that lie. If you can't fool yourself who can you fool eh?

In other news I'm meeting a potential agent tomorrow so I need to think jolly carefully about what I'm going to wear, it needs to be foppish of course but also suitable for work. Velvet seems logical but which items?

Sad face.

I realised something today, I've known it for a while but today was the point at which it seemed real.

Someone I really like is leaving the country, this is a someone who has been an amazing friend and confidant through so many misadventures with women. She has listened through the whole cycle of 'I've met this girl', through 'She is lovely I want to see her all the time' to 'She is dead to my eyes, lets never speak of her again' and has just been there for me.

It's because of her straight talking no-nonsense that I finally got off my arse and went and saw a therapist about my father related issues. She is the one that made me go for it when I was thinking about doing a book. She has been my moral compas on many issues, even if it has been 'find out what she thinks and do the opposite'

I don't even mind if she calls me a hippy.

And now she is going away, and I'm going to be sad. I'm going to wear black and everything.

Dogging

Today I went to the Heath with a friend and her lovely puppy, Scrabble. He is adorable and had an amazing effect on the people we met, it was amazing who came up to us to talk to him. I'm allowed to borrow Scrabble at weekends, so I think I may take him for a walk next weekend just too meet girls.

Look at his little face, Awwwwwwwwwww.

Vampires

I went to the Vampire party, it was brilliant. Girls in lingerie, dressing up and vast amounts of booze always are good. And, when you bump into the Ice Queen when you didn't think she was going you know the evening is on to a winner. It was lovely to see her again but that isn't the only interesting event of the evening.

Oh no.

The new sales chap snogged someone he really shouldn't have - a friend of mine and I know her boyfriend very well. Should I tell him?. Also the old sales chap (the prat) was getting very close with A's sister (who has a thing for Aussie guys who treat girls like rubbish so she was bound to like him) and I know the sales-prat's girlfriend. Should I tell her?

Also The Ice Queen and A had a bit of a chat (they always got on famously) and A said something to the Ice Queen which knocked my socks off - it was something along the lines of she regrets what happened and something else that neither the Ice Queen or I can remember exactly but it was very important because it caused me to say to a rather drunk A.

'Just so you know, I haven't given up on you and I'

So it must have been something, and I think A must have wanted me to know it as she is aware that the Ice Queen is one of my closet friends and is bound to report such things to me.

I'm not sure if I do want to get back with her, A, as the Ice Queen says she will always been troublesome. It's just her nature and since I stopped worrying about A my luck has been amazing. No-one wants to date a jinx. But on the otherside, I have more fun with her than anyone else, I've been on a few dates since and the girls just haven't been anywhere near as fun.

Mostly I just wish I could remember what I was told, oh drink is a dangerous thing.

I also handed over the Frock Coat I promised the Ice Queen for providing insider tips on the seduction of A. While it may not have ended quite as I would have hoped it seemed like the right time to hand it over.

Lunching

Well I had lunch with the ex, who also happens to be an ex porn star. She has drifted and out of my life a couple of times. While she is a nice girl, if some what troubled (all porn stars are troubled) she is very flakey so she was a nightmare to arrange dates with. I remember her onces saying she thought she had ME, but it was really just that she was stoned the entire time.

We had food, she brought her lovely little dog along (a Tibetan Spaniel called Tibs) who spent the whole of lunch charming the pub. He is a lovely. Anyway, we chatted and it was a bit strange, last night while in a state of some intoxication we kissed. It was foolish but it happened and afterwards I suggested lunch.

I don't think I really do want to get back together with her, even though she looked fabulous today. I think friends is a better place to be, there is just too much history there.

The plot thickens

Well, I'm just about to go for a late lunch with an ex. This is something I didn't expect, I can vaguely remember a drunken plan being made but these things rarely come true.

I found out last night that she thought I was younger than I was and that was one of the reasons things got broken up.

Yes, I really do have the worst taste in women.

Birthdays.

Here are two quotes from the evening which I feel should give you an idea of how suitably debauched it was.

'I'm a simple girl I just want someone to bite my nipples and give me anal'

and

'Some girls have innies, some have outies, mine flaps in the wind when I'm aroused'

I've got two lunch dates lined up and I saw an old friend who I haven't seen for years. It was a really good birthday.

I'm going to cradle my head in my arms for a bit now.

26

Well I'm 26 now, here are my observations so far - being 26 makes you thirsty and it is quite dark.

The last year has been tumultuous, and it a few places tumescent but mostly it has been troubling. It was on this day last year that my estranged father contacted me to say he had terminal cancer, I've had to move out of the flat I love and find somewhere else and there have been a couple off affairs and a near-death experience. So it was a bit of a year.

I do have some great new trousers, and I've just opened a present from my little brother with a fantastic shirt in it.

More reports will follow.

72 hours later.

I'm in the middle of a 72 detox, no coffee, no booze and no chocolate. I needed a detox, after what has been a very boozey few weeks.

I had to apply such a strong measure because I've got my birthday weekend coming up which is bracketed by a range of 'working lunches'. The sort of working lunches where you are taken by a girl I fancy to somewhere for cocktails.

This is good because I rather dropped off the social scene for a while and now I'm starting to get back into it. I wonder who I will meet next...

Memories and too much wine

Yesterday I visited my old flat, I had to go there as a favour to a friend and sort out some computer things. It was nice returning there and as I walked through the streets I remembered all sorts of adventures with girls. The strange bar I ended up in with A, the pub I first met C in, where I used to meet G from the bus. The bench on which I shared my first kiss with B.

Yes, I've been out with quite a few letters of the alphabet, the filthy minxes.

After sorting out the computer thing which took hardly any time at all (the most complicated part was moving a huge painting to get at the phone socket) we went out for food and got very drunk.

So I did no writing last night, no writing this morning and I'm typing this with one finger, slowly, so it's not too nosy.

Lots of typing.

I've been working all weekend, okay so I've been mostly cleaning and cooking but I've managed to complete the first chapter and get a pretty solid outline of the rest of the book.

Sadly I haven't solved any crimes while writing so I feel in some ways I've failed.

Of course, writing a true account of my misadventures with women does pose an interesting problem. What happens if the women mentioned read it?

I should probably start planning some sort of long holiday somewhere far away, in a country where knives are banned.

What writing is about.

I've started working on the book now, and in the long traditions of all writers this means doing lots of cleaning while you 'think about your work'. I've just completely re-arranged my room, cleaned the kitchen and I'm just about to start on the bathroom.

I bet Shakespeare was exactly the same, he would go off and get some eggs and then clean the privy while frowning over Romeo and Julette.

There was a book launch party last night. I like book launches because you get an interesting mix of people there, and there is free booze. Free booze is brilliant. There is something very special about someone else paying for you to get drunk, every glass of wine tastes that little bit better.

It was also my first night out with the new head sales chap, it went very well and I have the phone number of a girl I have to call on Sunday. She is Italian and does something I don't really understand.

There really is nothing like the party circuit to cheer you up, everyone is so friendly and it is marvellous for meeting people. Night clubs just aren't anywhere as near as joval, although they might be if there was free booze and goodie bags. I'm going to try and go to more book launches, you know in the name of research.

Not a bad night at all. Right now I simply must do some proper writing. I'll just give the taps and sink a once over first.

Slighty rude post

Here is some dialogue I just remembered from the party. This was with a scary woman who I had only just met a couple of minutes earlier.

Her - Oh are you a bit tired would you like something to wake you up?
*she rubs her nose and winks*
Me - Oh no, I'm fine thank you.
Her - Have you ever had sex in a night club?
Me - not that I remember, but who knows with magic of booze?
Her - You know what I love?
Me - No?
Her - Snorting coke off a fat cock, do you have a fat cock? Can I snort coke off your cock?
Me - Oh, erm I say, erm.
*Exit stage left, briskly*

Right

Sorry for disappearing for a few days, the party was that debauched that it took a while to get over it. While in a drunken haze something nearly happened with A, which caused someone at work to get very suspicious and it's been damage control since then.

In other news it appears a book deal is going to happen, it's early stages yet but the publisher liked the concept and my style of writing. I've got to put some sample chapters together this weekend.

It's going to be a version of this very blog, but you know a bit better and on paper. I'm so excited I can't sleep (hence the 4am post).

Everyone at work is delighted and is going to do everything they can to help, it's all just brilliant.

Oh dear

I did something I really shouldn't have last night, in the grand scheme of things it wasn't terrible but I really shouldn't have.

Booze, a new suit and being caught up in the moment count for something but still...

A suit, of destiny

My luck has been good recently, especially considering the nearly falling off a mountain thing (yes I'm going on about that again). After discussing it with a friend we came up with an explanation.

The Quantum Leap Theory.

At some point Dr Sam Beckett took control of H and thus saved us from falling off the cliff before jumping on again, hoping the next jump is the one home.

Someone in the car has something important they have to do, something important for the planet.

Anyway, back to good luck, this book thing coming from no-where and various other things have got me convinced that my luck is back, big time.

Today I had to go clothes shopping for a party on Tuesday. It's the second birthday party of our company and it is going to be a bit of a bash with a mix of slebs and press, so I wanted to look good. I had some fall back clothes but I really wanted something new, something smart yet louche. So I stomped off to Kensington to do some lunch time shopping. I went to all my usual haunts, and every single one had a disappointingly informal autumn collection. Admittedly some of the colours were rather pleasant in a low-key sort of way but nothing a foppish chap could wear to a party.

After about 40 shops and walking back to the office in a rather low mood I decided to try one more shop. I walked downstairs to the suit section and found the suit of my dreams.

Ever since I read the Great Gatsby I've dreamed of a lilac suit and now I own one. It was even in the sale so instead of paying the best part of £600 for it, I got it for almost nothing.

I've been grinning ever since I got the suit, I only hope there is some one suitable at the party to impress with my sartorial style.

Flash Monkey

Last night I reviewed the Flash Monkey Cabaret, and it was splendid. No not splendid, splendid doesn't cover how great it was, let me explain.

My favourite parts of London are the little secret places that you don't normally see. The parties that happen behind closed doors, strange little bars off side streets, members only clubs with completely plain doors so passers by have no idea of the delights that await within.

Last night was a perfect example of that. For a night Café de Paris had been taken over by a louche selection of cabaret acts and unsavoury looking characters. The show was opened by a very well performed feather dance and things spiraled away from there. None of the acts were ever on the stage for two long so you found yourself constantly shocked and amazed by what came on next. One chap in drag did something with an ironing board dressed as a cow that is very hard to explain, or at least to make it sound good so I won't.

I saw a lady LAY AN EGG on stage while dancing. AN EGG I say! I think you can imagine where she stored it, it must be a very convenient way of getting your lunch into work, although I'm not sure where she would put the condiments.

Also I chatted up a lovely lady. I think perhaps chatted up doesn't give her enough credit. After flashing her a smile she sent her friend away and came and stood next to me, on her own. So the signal to talk to her was pretty strong.

She was very entertaining, a native Londoner with a passion for exciting parties. After a brief chat we found out we had been to some of the same bashes (she had even seen me there, but I was disguised at the time). We spent most of the evening talking about nonsense and things but sadly at the end she was whisked away by the P.R. who happened to be her ex.

She has the means to contact me as she knows where I work, but sadly I don't have her number. Either way I will see her at a party at the end of the month.

What a brilliant night.

AN EGG!

A muffin, the rain and books.

I went for a coffee with the work-mate who is having an affair today, it was a bit strange. I think the coffee shop I picked as a little far away so we had to make an awful lot of polite conversation while walking before we could get to the meat of the matter, as it were.

Her hands were shaking as she finally spilled. Her boyfriend and her have been together for about 10 years, and this 'thing' has been going on for about a year, as far as she is concerned it is nothing serious, and she says it makes her feel a bit sparkly when she is feeling glum. Yet again the world isn't black and white, it's shades of gray. Also, I'm hardly in a position to lecture about work affairs.

As we left the coffee shop I had to get some extra things to take my spend up to the minimum of £10 so I waltzed out with a couple of very nice looking muffins. A asked what was in the muffin bag, and I said it was a treat for good girls. I felt a bit guilty for instigating a low-key flirt with her but then I just don't worry about stuff like that anymore that is the nice thing about nearly falling off a mountain.

If you have a near death experience you get to start again, that is in the rules. So I can do things like this occasionally, if I please. Anyway, I left work early as I had to go and see the therapist and got completely and utterly soaked in the rain. It was great, just like something out of a film and the fact I was listening to the soundtrack to Amelie definitely added to experience.

I felt like this was the start of a new beginning for me, everything when so bad for me almost exactly a year ago so there is asymmetryy to it being sorted out now. I saw the therapist briefly, I got sent away early for being fixed. All the malarkey with my dad and other things is sorted out now, so that is nice.

Oh and I've got a meeting next week with a commissioning editor to talk about book ideas, so yeah not a bad start to things.

The Party Season.

Sorry if it has been a while since my last update. Since my return I've been all over the place. The party season has started up again and I have eased myself back into it almost as if I had never left. I do like the party season, there is something so right about living off a diet of cocktails and finger-food for a month or so.

This week has included a couple of art shows, an opening night of a food place in South Kensington and a very pleasant drinking session to say good bye to a work friend, or to be more accurate a friend.

As with all these things everyone drank far too much and then said heartfelt and boozy things to each other. It was deeply moving, but sadly the person who is leaving got so drunk she doesn't remember any of the special moments.

I popped out of the party for five minutes to get something from the office and when I tried the door it wouldn't open, now I'm not terribly good with keys at the best of times but the door was definitely stuck. So I pushed it hard and it opened, with a work mate sprawled on the floor behind it. And behind her, an 'unknown male' scamped off to hide in the loos.

I caught a co-worker having an affair (it was definitely not her boyfriend, he is much shorter), and it was almost the last co-worker I would suspect of having anything like that. We are going to have a coffee to talk about it. Not that I'm going to say much but I feel coffee is definitely the order of the day, with some sort of stilled Merchant Ivory style conversation.

After that I returned to the party, had more sad conversations with the leaving person before stumbling home in quite a state, the rest of the weekend was spent relaxing and catching up on sleep. I had forgotten that the party season means your weekends are spent in a torpor as you ready yourself for the next round of mid-week parties.