It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Sadly I don't often have cause to quote Dickens but it seems very apt. My life seems to be split into the good and the not so good. My career is going quite well, and it lets me do all sorts of fun things in the name of reporting but it's not really providing an awe-inspiring income. I do okay, and I should definitely allow for the fact I'm doing something I love but it does concern me slightly that I'm only a few commissions away from being unemployed. There is no stability, some months I'll do really well but these seem to always match up with a bill or something dull like that.
I suppose this is the lot of the freelancer, constantly chasing the next story or assignment and who knows maybe today I'll get offered some regular work. Perhaps a column talking about misadventures and japes on the London scene, but until then I'll have to keep fighting away to find the next story.
Which seems to make it all sound a bit glum, and it's not, it really isn't. The money isn't quite what it could be, but then I've only really been doing this seriously for six months so I think I should give it a bit of time.
The really troubling part is grief. I'm not really equiped to deal with it. I suppose no-one is really and because of what I do I spend a lot of time thinking, which is exactly what you don't want to do when you are having a dark day.
The other thing that makes it troubling is that it's hard for people who haven't lost a parent to understand what it is like. It's a completely new and alien experience so if it hasn't happened someone they don't really understand it. This lack of comprehenision has caused some issues, especially in relationships.
I've got some great chums, I really do and I can talk to them about lots of things to try and sort them out but I think the problem with the dad related bits is I don't know what I want to express. It appears to be a Gordian knot of a problem and I can't conceive of an Alexander inspired solution.*
*He just chopped the impossible knot with a sword to undo it.
6 comments:
The thing is with Grief, there is no one size fits all mode of getting through it. You are right, I've never lost a parent so I can't relate. What I do know is it is perfectly ok that you haven't fathomed out how you will deal with the grief stuff yet. What seems impossible now, may not be tomorrow, or next week, or ... well whenever. In the mean time carry on talking to the chums you can talk to when you don't know what to say, 'cos they'll be there when you do know too
Sarah - It's a very strange situation I'll give you that, but chums and tea are definitely helping.
Louche, making any freelance living in six months is phenomenal. In fact, I am going to brag you up to my travel writing students (I'm teaching in Rome this week: not that you'd know it from the blog or anything).
You should be tremendously proud. And you might also cultivate some boring-ass bread-and-butter steady gigs to compliment the Flashman drama. Proofing and copywriting can be great comforts, if a chap has run through the local supply of champers and wanton women.
I have no sagacity about grief to offer. But I do hope that monkey eases off your back soon. Ax.
Amanda - I thought I was lagging behind the curve or what ever it is. I'm really not doing that badly I just won't be buying any sports cars any time soon, sports bikes maybe.
Ah Rome, send my regards. Well my regards and a saucy wink.
Grief is like a monkey, a naughty monkey that sometimes jumps on your back when you least expect it.
Nodding head with what the others said, and adding
keep in mind that many of us don't know how to deal with grief and here I mean your friends -- not you. I think we all basically understand the overwhelming concept of what it must be to lose a parent and if we haven't experienced it, the idea, at some level of our being, frightens and overwhelms us. It is a grief we don't want to know. And so often people are at a loss to know what to say -- whether to say anything at all -- to someone who has lost a parent. It's fear. It's ignorance. And, like you said, it's lack of understanding or any concept of what's needed.
I haven't lost a parent yet, but I lost a marriage. It's entirely different, and yet the profundity of grief is the same. It's the loss of a foundation that was central to your understanding of life and how you defined who you are.
It's very dark. But sit with the darkness when it comes. Yeah, it hurts, but there is some amazing stuff to be learned. Use the writing. I couldn't write for a long, long time -- the grief and depression killed off my creativity. But write about him. Start the book even if it never goes anywhere. You will uncover things and free things and you can let friends read it and then they are responding to you as a writer instead of you as the son who lost a parent. It might be easier for them. (ANd why we should care about making things easier for other people when we are the ones in pain it is difficult to explain; i guess I found it was the only way to get what I needed in the end... after having my sister hang up on me several times and getting tired of my parents telling me to suck it up and move on)
BB - It is a bad time, but my friends are skill so I'm sure I'll be fine.
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