Lucy Porter, Dangerous perfumes and holidays

Last night I didn't go to the party as planned. Just as I was about to scamper out of the door I got a call from The Urban Woo asking if I'd like to do a gig tonight at her friend's comedy club.

I said yes, because I'm of the opinion that when opportunity knocks you don't just grab it with both hands but also ask it in for a nice cup of tea. So I quickly re-jiggled my evening plans and sprinted towards the tube. Just managing to arrive in time, a little warm under the collar but acceptable.

Lucy Porter, the proper professional comedian was there that night, as the first act which was one of the reasons I said yes. Just by appearing in the same show as her would mean I've shared the bill with someone who actually makes a living out of comedy and thus it will probably be the peak of my comedy career.

She was utterly lovely with amazing hair and we talked for a bit before the show started. My previous plans for the evening had affected my choice of fragrance so I was wearing the extremely effective scent that worked so well on my friends P.R. agent before. It was having it's now usual effect and even Lucy was caught up in the spell, not to the point of kissing of course, she is a professional but still.

I'm starting to get a bit worried by this scent, I'm not sure I'm ready for the level of responsibily of having it. It's only a matter of time before it gets a girl riled up too much and then what will I do? Luckily (depending on your view point of course) Lucy only asked to have a couple of sniffs and nothing more.

Sadly my scent was not designed to make people laugh, the audence were a strange crowd. While they would clap loudly at the end of the act the guffawing seemed to be only be happening when they couldn't stop themselves and the rest of the time they sat with their arms folded across their bodies looking at you like you were trying to give a presentation on why children should be eaten or something like that.

Lucy's act (I love how I'm pretending we are chums now), ahem Ms Porter's act amused the audence but not as much as it should. I mean really, it wasn't like it was a bad crowd but perhaps they just weren't in a very funny mood.

After Lucy ran off (I offered to walk her imaginary dog, which I think is a new low for me) there was a short break and then the rest of the acts went on. I had a couple of people appear before me both of whom have excellent sets and I've seen the very same routines get absolute peels of laughter on other normal nights but this time it felt like the only time anyone laughed was when they absolutely couldn't hold it in.

The time for me to amble on stage occured and I went through my usual routine which went down okay, and them gambled and did a whole extra section on writing letters to friends in prison. I'd only invented it on the tube over so it wasn't as polished as it should have been but it only got minimal laughs which I think is a shame as I think it could be good.

I must admit I'm not so sure about the comedy thing anymore, being a writer is hard enough and comedy is far more cut-throat and demanding. I'm of the opinion that your hobbies should balance out what is missing from your day to day life. So perhaps I need a hobby with a lot of responsibilty and a management structure.

Anyway on to the subject of leisure time. I appear to be collecting holidays. Especially ones that involve taking another person but sharing a bed with them. This presents a bit of an issue, while I have quite a few friends I know I'd have a great time on holiday I don't really want to be sharing a bed with them.

It was suggested to me last night that I just pull my socks up and jolly well find a girl to take with me. I suppose it could work, I've got the overnight stay in the hotel suite that I won so that could be like a test and then if that works I've got a week in a villa in Tuscany that I have to go on. Perhaps a personal advert would work?

'Wanted female chum to take on holidays, must have own luggage and not mind sharing a bed with a raffish type who thinks about shoes and waistcoats too much.'

If that doesn't work, I can always bring out the scent, I've probably got just enough of it to keep a girl intoxicated long enough for a flight to Italy.