Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Life really does appear to be circular. I sometimes think we are doomed, or blessed to relive the same situations again and again. I mention this because while the date with Chuck last night was lovely and wonderful it reminded me of dating A.
Yes A, the girl at work from a few years ago who I allowed myself to get messed around by so much. Chuck even looks faintly like her, well not exactly but she has the same colouring. Understandably this troubles me.
The date was lovely. I picked her up on my bike, we zoomed over to the outdoor theatre in the grounds of a stately pile. We just had enough time for a quick Pimms before taking our seats. The production was excellent, the performers were good in a thespy way and the set design was just the right side of well made. In that you could see the joins but it just made it more real.
I've never seen the Tempest before so I enjoyed not knowing what was going to happen next and so I feared for the characters from one moment to the next and was completely and utterly caught up in it. Chuck would occasionally whisper things in my ear, in a ridiculously breathy way which made my spine tingle and the whole experience was lovely. It really was.
Then I gave her a lift home, going extra slowly for safety and we parted with a chaste peck on the lips. I asked her when I could see her again, and she said 'lets play it by ear'. I was under instructions to text her when I got home, which I did and we exchanged a few more texts before I fell asleep. It was nice.
It was also horrible, because it seemed wrong. I do understand that I clearly said exactly the wrong thing just before going on holiday and that was very badTM and I had done a couple of silly things before then, which were also very badTM but I didn't do them to be bad. My intentions were either honourable, I was trying to talk about my feelings on a deeper level than I ever had before or talking about something that was bothering me. I'm just not very good at grown up relationships so occasionally I say something in a way that is less elegant than it should be.
And so after the day of the very badTM thing, I went on holiday and while I was away Chuck went on some dates and yet when I returned I was the bad person who got dumped? She said she spent the dates talking about me but still it feels wrong. I've said sorry for what I did, and I understand what was wrong about what I did but it hasn't satisfied her.
I've battled for Chucks attentions once before from another chap, I didn't feel good about it and I just don't want to go through that again. I just don't know if that is a a reasonable expectation. I get the impression that she wants me to fight for her again as some sort of punitive course but if she is going to see other chaps then, well, I don't want any part of that.
re-reading this post it's hard to make her sound nice, she is nice, or at least she was when I first met her. I wish I had blogged more of our few weeks of dating because they really were magical.
I can't believe I've got myself into this situation again.