Naughty girls

Today I got a phone call. It was from an 'unknown number' which normally I don't answer out of principle but well, it's a Tuesday and nothing else exciting was happening.

It was a very old girlfriend, she was an adult actress but now she has moved into P.R. she knows I wasn't terribly chuffed with her for quite some time - she stood me up which has never happened to me before. Anyway she is going to buy me lunch tomorrow which I think is a suitable way of showing remorse.

I even invited her to do the do on Thursday (as well as a selection of ex-girlfriends and chums) which should be, entertaining. By entertaining I mean everyone there will either get on terribly well or there will be actual fighting.

I can't wait.

You've gotta pick a pocket or two......

I am poor. While I normally go on about poor week what this usually means is I can't book any holidays or buy anything electronic. Poor Week has taken on an entirely new meaning now. I am ruined, destitute, gone.

What makes it more annoying is that the route of this was generosity. I went to a co-workers joint birthday party not because I liked him much but because if I hadn't gone he wouldn't have had a single friend there. After a while I brought a round of drinks, as one is expected to do. This round cost four times what I thought it would and it has completely thrown out my budgeting for the month. Before I went to this party I was actually doing rather well and I would have had money to spare. I might have wondered up to Bond Street and finally picked up that smoking hat I have been thinking about, or maybe some new gloves for spring.

This has resulted in me being poor, I have eaten all the pasta and I have half a cup full of rice left and that is about it. I wasn't even this poor in my student days. What is the world coming to?

I have the flu at the moment so really I should be eating chocolate biscuits while lounging on the sofa not making dough so I have some bread (I have run out of flour now), it's just wrong.

People always go on about how you shouldn't knock things until you have tried them. Well I have tried being poor and it is shit.

Lots of girls, some trousers and a bit with fish.

Well I am newly single, I broke up with B as I wasn't enjoying it and well I thought that sort of thing was supposed to be about fun.

I went drinking on Friday with a selection of vague chums. Vague as in I know some of them and the rest I only see through a haze of alcohol. We got very drunk on watermelon martinis and I discovered that White Russians go very well with popcorn. I left after a bit because I was suitably ruined and while the girl who kept rubbing my leg was very pleasant I didn't really feel like doing anything rude with anyone, this is an unusual thing for me.

In the chip-shop on the way home another lady said I had a nice coat and invited me to a house party. I didn't go but it was nice to be asked. Plus I had just got chips so I wanted to spend some quality time with them.

On Saturday I visited rellies to 'talk' as per instructions, they have a lovely house - It made me want to get on the property ladder. I ate smoked fish and cheese and then walked home thinking about things to do with parents. I don't mind having 'talks' as long as I get smoked fish.

In the evening I met up with a work person because they were having birthday drinks in a bar near my flat. This 'popping out for a pint' turned into an epic drinking session where I spent far, far too much money. I have gone from surprisingly wealthy for this time in the month to almost becoming a street walker in the space of one night.

Another girl wanted me to go home with her (A flatmate of the work-person's girlfriend) but I turned her down for the same reasons as before, and a someone (I still don't know who) pinched my bum in the club. What is the world coming to? I'd like to think that the girl who pinched my bum was one of the leggy brunettes striding around but it was probably the sweaty bald chap stood behind me.

Sunday involved a morning ride to Hyde park I did some more exploring and saw the Albert Memorial which is very impressive. I really like Hyde Park but all the most exciting parts are not for cycles so you have to break the rules to get to them. Good job I'm a rebel eh?

Dune, Risotto and Hyde Park.

This weekend has been surprisingly eventful. On Friday I went out with my assistant boozing with her friends (some of whom I know) went first went to a delightful little pub in Knightsbridge and ordered rather a lot of thrillingly inexpensive but rather good wine and proceed to drink it with a passion. Or at least I did while most of the other people there had a sickeningly grown-up attitude to binge drinking. S was there with a her new chap who was rather dull this time, as I wasn't a threat anymore (they are properly going out) he didn't make the effort as much to be a friend. The girls however were on form and I laughed far more than a grown-up really should.

We talked about various silly things - the most inappropriate thing to wear to a party, different styles of drinking and having auditions for interesting looking people to join our party.

After being there for the majority of the evening we stumbled up to the bar above Harvey Nicks, I can't remember a lot of what happened in this bar, I can briefly recall eating some fruit and that is about it. For some reason I invited one of B's friends back to my house to watch Dune and we stopped on the King's Road for risotto ingredients before stumbling back to my flat to drink more wine and see David Lynch's finest hour.

I think B's friend wanted to do rude things to me but as I have a girlfriend nothing actually happened so I made her sleep in the spare room and that is about that. It must have been quite confusing for her, I know that generally when you go back to someone's house on a flimsy pre-text it usually means you want to do naughty stuff on them but it is good to have it not happen on occasion, it keeps woman-kind on her toes.

On Saturday I felt like death warmed up, twice with a side order of extra pain. As a way of getting over the suffering I decided to go for a bike-ride around Hyde Park. This worked very well, and although that actual journey to the park wasn't as restful as one would hope. Once I actually got there and I put on some relaxing Buddhist chants on my Ipod I felt rather good.

I even got to see a lady dog catcher try and entice a stray, it was interesting to see her at work squatted down on the floor with one hand held out offering a tasty snack and the other slowly inching forward a comedy style lasso thing to ensnare the dog.

This stray dog was clearly wise to the game though, it spent a lot of time shouting at her in between eating snacks before happily trotting off to find something else to do. I admired it's independence and secretly wanted to befriend it now that it had proved itself to be not fooled easly. I think I would get it a cravat to wear around it's neck (although thinking about it a hanky would be more suitable as it was clearly a street dog) and it would help me solve mysteries. We could have been in a Disney film.

After that I cycled home and felt all virtuous while napping in front of the telly, I'm going to go on more bike-rides I think.

In the evening I went to K's house to watch French films and eat cheese. She and her pal were drinking wine but I still hadn't entirely recovered from Friday night so I stuck to the fruit juice. It was all quite jolly but K was clearly on a mission to seduce me again and after her friend left (and thus left us alone) I had to make my excuses and order a cab.

It's not often that a chap gets to turn down doing the sex on two different girls in one weekend, I think being on the edge of madness must be like a potent animal musk. I am going to have to start wearing artfully crumpled shirts and more velvet to accentuate this look.

Top three compliments a chap can give a lady that I heard about this weekend
1)You have a French bottom
2)You are an exquisite sausage
3)I'd do you even if I was gay.

Rage, Lingerie and Threes.

I have been rather angry of late, I know this is a side effect of the whole situation with my father and although my rage makes me strong like a well groomed hulk it does have some bad side effects. The main being that my rage transfers like a vicious cold on to other people who I shouldn't be angry at. I nearly beat my computer to death with a hammer when it was being naughty and I have actually considered breaking up with B over completely stupid things just because I have this vast untapped well of anger.

Identifying the problem is the first step to the solution to that so I have developed a few ways of avoiding any issues arising from the problem. To stop myself breaking up with B over something stupid I have taken to buying her lingerie, I hate having presents around for girls I spit up with so I refuse to break up with her until she has the latest gift. This is like a prime directive or something, and as since on average the packages take 3-5 days to arrive I can cover a month with a fairly small outlay on frilly things which are rather nice to have around the house anyway. See Monogamy through lingerie, it is the future.

I have taken to compiling incidental lists of top three things, I like the way they have an almost haiku like simplicity.

Top three hairy side kicks
1)Chewbacca
2)Ludo
3)Nick Frost

Weekends

I had a quiet one, Saturday was spent in a very messy room playing war-themed computer games in my pants. Then I went (a bit reluctantly I might add) to a house party with B, It was a party hosted by one of her friends and was populated by a mixture of smug couples, a couple of lone stag males and a token visiting American or two. They talked about couply things for a while so I hid in the kitchen with B and drank booze. Then the hostess instigated the box game which was hilarious and that was a masterful centrepiece to the whole event.

B has an American friend over so we both talked about being at parties where you don't know anyone while drinking lots of vodka and ginger. I had Guinness and wine and I can confirm that they should not be mixed, EVER. B kept trying to have relationship chats with me at in-opportune moments (half way through the box game) which was a bit off as I was trying to get drunk.

I think we are both a bit confused about the situation, being both established singletons in a relationship is a bit weird. And both of us have recently had people coming out of the closet about hidden passions for us in the last few days (it must be something to do with spring) which doesn't help.

On Sunday I left B and her American pal so they could go and explore Camden and made my way home via Tottenham Court road so I could pick up some computer bits that I needed. When did finally get home the computer bits were being VERY naughty and refused to work, I realised I needed some more parts to help them work which wasn't going to happen at 6pm on a Sunday. Argh.

Why do I buy these components when they fill with such rage?