To there and back

Well, I'm off on a quest today, or at least tomorrow. I will be going to the South Coast first, across to Devon and then up to Wales. It's going to have everything - New Life in the wetting of the babies head in Brighton, excitement (I'm driving so it's bound to be thrilling) and then going to see my dad...

I shall come back a different person, there is no doubt of that. So I should probably pack an extra waistcoat.

You never get the truth from a liar.

A bit of a mixed day today, I worked my little socks off at work. It was silly, I did about a weeks work in a morning and then started doing other complicated yet cunning things. It's amazing how much you get done when you are forcing yourself to work instead of dealing with someone you don't like...

Anyway I went for lunch with the girl I caught having an affair, we talked about her chap situation, I'm the only person who knows so she can't talk to other people about it. And she mentioned what A's new boyfriend looks like, I'd met him.

It was like the bit in a film when it all comes together, my introduction to him at one of A's gigs was almost exactly the point at which she started acting all weird. So that was what was behind it all, and it all makes sense now. She had found someone else, of course she still wanted all the attention but she had her eye on someone else.

The Ice Queen agreed, she said that sadly when ever someone starts acting all strange on you suddenly it usually means they have met someone else.

So even when I had an evening of absolute truth with A, she still lied. Now all I can think about is how lucky I was to escape with just a few emotional cuts and bruises.

People are awful sometimes.

Beagles

I had a day off, and it was wonderful. In the morning did some writing - not as much as I should have but it was a day off after all.

Then I met a good friend near Regent's Park to borrow her Beagle for a couple hours while she was in a business meeting. Scrabble (the Beagle) and I trotted off to Regent's Park and spent a couple of extremely pleasant hours scampering around kicking up leaves and running around trees. The park was quite empty but I suppose that is to be expected on a slightly chilly and damp mid-week day.

It started raining and as Scrabble isn't a fan of rain (I do like opinions in dogs) we set off home. I briefly called a friend to see if she was about for a coffee (sadly she wasn't) and then got on the tube. Scrabble was an angel, and impressed all the fellow travellers.

I dropped the dog off to his owner who was meeting with some arty types (She is an art dealer) one of whom was very good friends with Andy Worhol. He had some very amusing stories to tell and was a very jolly sort talking with a broad New York accent and making huge gestures with his massive hands.

After this the art dealer and I shopped for clothes for Scrabble and then went for supper. I had a dash too much red wine and then made my way home pleasantly sozzled and tired from a busy day.

I just checked my work email, I've got two emails waiting for me from women I met at Erotica. It's nice to be pursued, even if it is totally the wrong time for anything like that.

The Ice Queen and a communication break down.

I was at Erotica and I got a text message from The Ice Queen. Regular readers will know the Ice Queen is one of my best friends, we get on extremely well but it's just a friend thing. So the following message seemed a bit strange.

'I woke up so hot and wet, I need something between my legs'

Blimes, I thought. She must have texted it to the wrong number, so I let her know

'I think you sent this to the wrong number'

To which was replied

'Yes, I'm so hot and I had a really nice dream with you, I'm at home, alone'

This has to be the wrong number, I thought. so I replied with

'This is Louche you know'

She replied with

'Doesn't Louche fuck? Come on, don't be gay with me, I just want a funny time, I feel dirty today'

Blimes I thought again, and after a quick call to a mutual friend I texted back with

'Ice Queen, I love you to bits but I don't want to mess up our brilliant friendship'

And I was sent back

'I knew, u r gay. I don't know why I had to ask for that little favour, fuck you fucking gay.'

It was all a bit much really, this with all the whole Erotica experience and having hardly any sleep - had been a bit of a naughty boy and stayed up rather late drinking with girls. I was horrified that I had lost a really good friend.

Then I got a call from the Ice Queen from her land line, my first question was 'Having you been taking drugs?' She was shocked and asked what was I going on about. It turns out her phone had been stolen last night, some random person was sending me text messages for a laugh.

The world is a weird place some times.

Erotica and the looks of love.

I worked at Erotica this weekend, it was as horrible as ever. If you've never been to Erotica I would actually recommend it. For a couple of hours it can be strangely good fun to stroll around looking at the unusual items for sale and the strange people who go there.

People really dress up for Erotica, or perhaps the other way. If you ever wanted to see the nipples of a 50 year old woman, or a man with a pot-belly in a thong this is the place to go. While I like that there are couples who are clearly still ticking each others boxes you also see things you really rather wouldn't.

It's just all so sleazy, wanton I can deal with but nasty leering men are another thing. And after days and days of it, pretending to like people is rather challenging.

Any way there were some amusing moments. I ended up having supper with a woman who is currently having an affair with one of the chaps from Inxs, she was letting everyone listen to the filthy phone messages he had been leaving her.

Then a swinging couple showed me the three expressions you need to swing. Apparently swinging at events is all about eye contact. And there are three different looks
1) GO AWAY.
If you can imagine the look you give someone after making a really sarky comment or a bit of a put down you are about right.
2) WATCH, BUT DON'T TOUCH
This one you make eye contact and smile while looking away, sort of like being coy and flirty I suppose.
3) COME AND JOIN IN THE FUN.
This one is brazen, you make eye contact, look them up and down especially focusing on the crotch area and then look them straight in the eye nodding slightly.

Well now you know.

Grr! Girls

Well sadly I couldn't get a ticket to see Amy - I ended up chatting directly with her management but I had left it too late. It's probably for the best, I read the interview she did with our music editor and she doesn't come across well, yet again. I think if we ever meet my lovely day dreams would be over.

I found out today that A has a boyfriend, and it is a bit serious. He is called Colin. I know I shouldn't care but being bested by a man called Colin smarts, it really does.

Work is being trying at the moment, I'm working with A (who is not my favourite person at the moment as I'm sure you can imagine - I completely understand why people warn you about work flings.) and the Aussie chap who is a rampant egotist and all round nasty piece of work.

In short, I just don't like going in anymore and I can't see the situation changing for a while. This means I have to concentrate on my writing more which is hard because it's Erotica this week so I have no free time. My agent liked what I sent over but wants me to boil down the concept of what I want to say more, this is going to take proper quality time.

Of course I think this is annoying me more than it should because my father contacted me again, he has secondary cancer in the liver which gives him a life expectancy only slightly better than cut flowers.

What-a-fucking-week.

Amy, Amy, Amy

Hello, my names Louche and I fancy Amy Winehouse. I've been told I shouldn't but there is something strangely alluring about her.

I brought her first album because I fancied her and it turned out to be jolly good. Someone I know well knows her, and yet she refuses to introduce me. Which while being probably for the best is rather annoying.

Anyway, Amy has a gig tonight and I'm thinking about going. I've never seen her in the flesh but getting hold of tickets is proving tricky. I can't do the work blag as work have already interviewed her (with out me knowing, yes it is outrageous) so I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I think I might make it a personal quest to go, other things in my life have flared up again so I could do with a distraction. It's Amy or a bottle of gin and I think Amy might give me less of a hangover.

A quick one

Lots going on, here are the key facts.

The Ice Queen when for drinks with the object of her love, the one man on the planet who she can't wrap around her finger, they snogged he confessed his love. And then the next day acted if nothing happened.

Men can be so disappointing sometimes, although this man is such a berk it's hard to imagine him doing the right thing.

I said goodbye to my old assistant, who is going back to America to live with a man. It was so very sad to see her go, but also lovely to spend time with her, however brief and remember the fun we used to have. She is so very outrageous and I shall miss her more than I let on.

I've got an agent now, so that is good. I'm going down to Devon this weekend to do some more work on the book. I've got to hammer out a two page summary of what it is all about. This is all jolly exciting but also rather stressful. My evenings are about working now, not lounging about eating grapes.

Oh and I've finally caught that blasted cold that has been shooting around, this is what happens if you link to strange girls on the internet.

Three days

Friday:
Extremely hungover all day - did very little due to the bad state of face, the morning was okay but the afternoon went on forever.

After that I went to a party - the launch for a sex toy. This involved going to a club in Victoria and drinking lots of very sickly cocktails. Why do all launches have horrible cocktails these days? Even our second birthday had some deeply suspect drinks.

This party also doubled as a goodbye to a lovely girl I work with, so that was sad. She hadn't been with us awfully long but she had made an impact. Due to my extreme tiredness I just couldn't get into 'the zone' so at about 11 I skipped off to get the tube home.

Saturday:
Lots of sleeping mostly. Then I went to meet an old flame, or at least a girl who was almost an old flame a couple of times. It was supposed to be a supper party (which I normally loath as they are full of smug couples talking about kitchens and pensions) but it ended up just being drinks in a bar and then more drinks in a gay club in Soho. I danced for a while but the not quite an old flame was acting a bit strange so at 2am so I decided to call it a night.

I suppose I should expect some slightly unusual behavour from her, we have almost had something a few times and then it has drifted away. Which makes me think that we will probably never have anything.

Sunday:
Woke up early, and did lots of writing. I've been mostly writing about my experiences of dating the porn star and trying to make them as humourous as possible. I nailed it to the point that I was laughing out loud at some of the stuff I had written. Fueled by this I cycled to get some bits and bobs so I could do some cooking from Nigella's book. The rest of the day was spent relaxing, a bit more writing and cooking interesting dishes.

The two potato bake with halloumi cheese was especially good, god bless Nigella. Why can't I meet a nice girls like Nigella?

Closure.

What a day. A and I went to a work thing in Kent. This involved a fairly long train journey, she fell asleep I did some work on my computer. The work thing was very dull but it was one of those occasions where you have to go and at the very end there were some interesting bits, mostly we passed the time doing drawings on the complimentary note pads.

After that we got the train back, she fell asleep on my shoulder, I did some more work. We went up to West Hampstead so I could drop my laptop home (I didn’t really want to be dragging it around with me at the party later) while I was wombling home she was sent to the shops on West End Lane to have a look at what they could offer.

I dropped off my computer, and various goodies from the trip and then marched out again. We met in the restaurant had spotted when I first moved to the area as one she would like, and took a lovely table by the window so we could see the people of Hampstead going by.

It was a very pleasant meal, she chose a good white which complimented the mushrooms well and we talked about relationships and things. She has been seeing a few different people since we stopped, I’ve been mostly turning down girls because they aren’t as much fun. Then we agreed that the Sunday when she came over and I cooked her artichokes was a most perfect day.

She had spotted a dress in the shops that she loved and it was in the sale so that was mentioned a few times, with a plan to walk past the shop on the way to the party. So after the meal, and probably a bottle too many of the wine we strolled down to the tube towards the party.

The shop was still open so she danced in and tried on the dress, it was stunning, and like the style of dress I had remarked earlier that she should get. So she got it and we ran on to the tube. When we arrived at the party (fashionably late of course) it hadn’t opened so we went to a nearby bar and had a drink to kill time. This descended in a shot drinking session where I discovered that silver Aftershock is very nasty, but the black stuff is okay. We were considerably drunk by this point and there was some kissing on the cheeks going on – A on mine, it was a bit over the top involving tongues I didn’t really know what to make of it.

We went to the party, it was in a huge house just off Regent’s Park that had been cleared out and sort of turned into a venue. The place was rammed with men and we managed to shoulder our way to the bar to get some booze. Stopping for a dance and I said hello to a few people I knew.

There was a small amount of dancing, a bit of drinking and then A decided she needed to go so I walked her to the tube. On the way we got into a discussion that got rather heated about things. I had the view that what we had for a while was brilliant and I thought it was silly to give up on it. Her view was well hard to understand. She is still beating herself up over the old chap and things.

It was at that moment when I finally got what my female friends had been warning me about, A is always going to be trouble. She is always going to be high maintenance and flighty and she has some real issues she needs to deal with.

I’m just tired of it all now, I’m not going to hang around on the off chance she finally does sort herself out.

Think of it as a new start, or at least closure.