Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The worst line ever

There is a line us chaps fear more than any else. It over-shadows 'I'm pregnant', eclipses 'I want to talk about where this is going' and makes 'we need to have a talk' seem like something from a greeting card.

This line, feared by men the world over is.

'Let's just be friends'

I got hit with it last night, from Ms Pencil Skirt. She'd still like me to take her out to the Wolesley, but just as friends. Oh really.

This was after yet another day at work where I performed miracles and then got abuse. I think we can mark yesterday as one of the worst Tuesdays I've had in a long time.

On the plus side, I think I've just found a load more stand-up material.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Let's hear it for feminists dressing like ladies

I had a date on Sunday. It was lovely, and definitely worth the 200 mile round trip (I really do live in the wrong place). It was great because we went somewhere (Tate) and did something (Look at art) and I had so much fun that I can't really remember much about the show.

The girl is a feminist, which is essential for me, I can't abide simpering submissive types. Once you've had fem, you won't date men? No that doesn't quite work. Anyway, proper feminist but not in a hair shirt sort of way, she was tottering about in a pencil skirt with excellent lippy. She was dressed like this because she likes it.

I have to say, that speaking as a straight chap the rise of the whole 1940s burlesque trend has been very appealing. Especially when adopted by slightly fiery types with strong views on gender equality. Ding Dong

Adventures with trains

I'm off an adventure today. It's just too boring up here so I'm going down to London to absorb some culture with a girl.

The date yesterday was okay, I mean pleasant enough but there wasn't really any sparkle. I suppose my mind was somewhere else, and that somewhere being plotting being in London today.

I've got out a spiffy suit, and even more spiffy shirt and possibly the world's greatest hanky. Oh yes, I'm going to be massively overdressed for going down to London but then that's half the fun.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I went down to London for a party with some old work chums. It was supposed to be a party open to loads of people but in the end only about a dozen turned up. It was ace though. It's been almost years since I last got drunk with that crowd in a bar. I miss them.

I miss London too. Even though the cottage is very lovely at the moment. I just feel like I'm coasting, which probably isn't a totally bad thing - I've got a job. So it's a good sort of coast.

I've not been proper drinking for a while, and so the next day I was pretty broken. Even a shower at work didn't help that much - and my new show gel smells like Jolly Rancher.

I was in the gym pre-shower on the cross trainer. I wasn't going to go mad or anything I just thought I should go as part of the program to try and make my knee less wonky. The gym lady ask how I was and so I said hungover before carrying on with working out.

After I finished my work out I got given a pamphlet about alcohol abuse and a table to fill in recording how much I've been drinking. It was a bit much, but the gym lady is harmless and terribly earnest. I'm not going to fill in, that's cos I'm a rebel yeah?

Not much else to report really. I've got a load of new stand-up material which I'm slowly turning into a routine and today I've got a date, although I'm not sure I want to go now. I've met someone in London. We've got a date arranged and everything.

I think I need to go to London more often, it's just a shame that the train costs more than a flight to Europe. I hate public transport.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Jack the ripper on twitter

Through a hole in the space time continuum I saw some famous tweets of yore. Before the whole closed I managed to cut and paste a few of them.


is feeling spring heeled. Might go out again tonight. I can't stop LOL!!!11!!!

@Police you can't catch me. Hehehehehe

Went out anyway, did something naughty, again, hope no-one notices.

Want to go out tonight, but can't.

What a night LOL!11!1!!1!1!

Going to #Whitehall tonight can't find black bag or knives.

Feeling a bit stabby

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Everything is great in America

Until I agreed to cycle to Spain I was, and well I still am thinking about trying to get a job in the States. I'm not sure if it's even possible but where I am now seems like a bit of a small pond, if that makes sense.

America has always been a land of wonder and opportunity every time I've gone there I've not wanted to come back. So perhaps I should make the next logical step? I'm sure every chap has dreamed of getting a steamer to the states and landing with only a few suits rolled up in a carpet to his name.

So I'm writing up my C.V. as I need to at least see what is out there, and yes before you ask, there might be a girl in America who I've been chatting with, but as I've said before anytime I've done outlandish things to impress a girl it's worked out. Not often with the girl, or actually rarely with the girl but the end it's improved my life.

I rather like the fact I've got two different plans now, both involve girls and both are mutually exclusive. Also neither girl knows I have plans.

2010 Should be exciting.

The next stupid plan - Spain.

I have just agreed to cycle to Spain. Yes a girl is involved. It's for charity (which is what normal people use as an excuse to do stupid things) but mostly I'm going because she is hot.

Actually she is a bit too hot. Last time I met her I couldn't really hold a conversation with her because I fancied her so much. Instead of saying witty things about topical events I sat quietly with my hands in my lap. In hindsight it was funny, but at the time it was painful.

So anyway, under the guise of perhaps being to talk to her again I've agreed to spend two weeks cycling to Spain at some point in July. Now I just need to get a bike, and well, the fittest I've been in my entire life.

All of this and she probably thinks I'm a bit simple. Oh well, it will probably be fun and even if it goes terribly wrong it will make a good stand-up routine.

Bringing Silly back

This post has got a bit serious of late, and so that's going to change. I'm going to start being silly again. Silly is good.

I'll just start brewing another coffee and then try and flex the nonsense muscles.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Patterns in life

I've noticed a few patterns in my life now. Things that repeat themselves so often that they are practically rules.

1) If I see an outlandish item of clothing I like, I should buy it. There will always been an occasion in the future when it is exactly the thing I need.

2) When making an important decision, it shouldn't be based on a careful weighing up of the facts. Just think which option will allow you to meet more lovely girls or meet a specific lovely girl again. This is the result that will make you the most happy in the long run even if the thing with that specific girl never happens.

3) I need to have more than two ideas for rules to make it a proper list.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Expected Week / Actual Week

Here is the week I expected to have
Monday - Second date with leggy Policewoman
The first date was fun and she had been texting me lots about what we were going to do.
Tuesday - Performance Review
I've been doing my job well, super well. I had a page full of things I've done that no-one else can. This should be two hours about how great I am. I have no life really apart from work so I've been giving it my all.
Saturday - Party with work people
Some of the sales girls asked me to a birthday party. Since I had a car now I thought I'd go along to say hello.

Here is the week I actually had
Monday - Stood up by Policewoman
Tuesday - Awful performance review where I was given the impression that I'm only just doing my job, all good stuff ignored.
Saturday - Car blew up on way to party, now broken and will cost more to fix than it is worth. I've had it less than a week.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

The danger of ham

I'm trying to write something difficult, well to be exact I'm finally getting around to writing something I should have done ages ago but since I'm really supposed to be setting up my council tax payments I thought this might be a better thing to do.
I'm also cleaning the house. You can tell when I'm writing something hard because the house is spotless. Currently the house still has some spots but they are fast disappearing.

Now I'm writing this instead of writing the thing I should be writing, arrgh.
Anyway, I used to have a system for writing. I'd get up early, brew some mind bendlingly strong coffee and sip it while bashing away furiously. For really hard stuff I'd put some jazz on, nothing with words in it though, otherwise they would start appearing it what I was writing. Occasionally I'd take breaks to brew more coffee or make some poached eggs on toast. I managed to squeeze out a book doing that.

The thing is I don't really drink coffee anymore, I rather drank too much of the stuff and it was making me ill. Decaf is all well and good but it doesn't make your face tingle and mind move faster than you can type, so I'm trying to find other things to help me write. Other treat foods so I can train myself that 'this is writing time.'

Today I got a huge hunk of ham, as part of my experiment to find writing food. You know one of those cooked ones that looks like something Asterix would eat after duffing up some Romans. It was extremely nice, so nice I did a little dance while eating it, but it also made me sleepy, and thirsty and now I want to drink wine and have a nap.

I've got some other foods to try out, those funny little expensive chocolate puddings that lonely people eat instead of having sex and some very thin biscuits. Biscuits seem to get better the less of them there are.

I'm hoping that one of these will become my new culinary muse and I can finally do that work. It's definitely not ham, Ham is tasty and a good rewards after fighting legionnaires but it's not right for when you have to churn out 1500 words before you will allow yourself to go to the pub.

So kids, I suppose the lesson in all of this is don't ham and write.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Relationships with Rashomon

It's weird how two people who were in the same relationship can have entirely different views on what happened. Even when both of you were there. Isn't it?

This isn't in reference to anything specific, it's just an observation.

Being Bowser

In the late 80s and early 90s there was a convention in computer games. At the end of a level, or a series of levels there would be a boss. This boss would have to be defeated to progress through the game.

The boss would be impressive looking, but they would always have a weak point so they were more of a puzzle than anything else. Some would be invulnerable apart from a special point or others would require you to attack a specific point that would let you damage them. Bowser was a classic one of this, whole parts of my childhood were spent working out where to hit him with a turtle shell.

That's what I'm like. I'm mostly healed but if I hit my knee even moderately hard then, well I'm caused to swear an awful lot, for a long time and possibly roll around on the floor. I hope this goes away as I do tend to bounce off things as I make my way through life.