Drunk

I'm still drunk from last night, my eyeballs feel warm, I have a hole in my trousers caused by a fork and I have wand that I stole off a magician.

It was a good night. Sadly the plan of talking to lots of other girls didn't really work as it wasn't really a night for that sort of thing. We were sat on a table and then we set about the two bottles of vodka we had been given.

I can remember kissing A to wish her happy birthday but no-tongues were involved so I don't think that really counts.

Also, and this is more shocking. One of the work experience girls came up to me and told me she knew I adored A, she could tell. Clearly I should work on being more subtle.

I'm going to go and find some painkillers now.

I have a plan

There is a work bash tonight, that is going to be full of pretty girls, A will be going with me (with a load of other work people) and I am going to spend the whole eveing talking to OTHER girls and being all charming.

Yes I know this whole 'ignore her to make her jealous' thing has never actually worked him the films but they don't have as nice socks as I do and talking to pretty girls at clubs is what I do best.

I will keep you posted on how the evening goes.

The zone

There is a place all men fear when persuing a woman. It is a place that inspires a cold terror in even the bravest man.

Once you have entered it, it is almost impossible to leave and you are damned to a life of slow torment. The worse thing is that you get to this place through good will, it's not a hell reserved for the wicked or the cruel it's a place that nice people go, and that is probably the problem.

I'm talking about 'The Friendship zone', even saying the name sends a shiver down my spine. Nothing is more feared during the course of courtship, and sadly I think I am heading towards it with A, if I'm not there already.

I've just been too nice.

The Ice Queen gives some good advice.

I went to the pub with The Ice Queen (She is called such because she is very good at controlling men, in a nice way) and she gave me some very timely advice about the A situation and I got to have a long chat about the family situation too - she had a similar thing with her father.

Here is her action plan (I had my PDA with me so I wrote it up)

Multi-point plan by The Ice Queen
1 A must make the first move
2 Make sure you are entertaining but make her ask for it
3 Only mention the bf if she mentions it. Don't have an opinion
4 Be entertaining but don't be forthcoming on her birthday
5 Arranging things to do is good, but only simple, immediate things

So what do you think internet?

swimming, dresses and the colour green.

Today I went swimming with A, this is part of our pact to get fit together. I went and saw her perform on Tuesday, 'rock A' is very sexy and I would have loved to have got ruined with her but alas I wanted to hold firm on my pledge to get fit.

Anyway, we went to the pool today and swam, not for long as A wasn't really enjoying it and the pool was packed. I got in about half and hour of hard swimming, concentrating on my upper body and I got to see A in a bikini, it was a beautiful deep green so it off-set her olive skin and it made me swim even faster.

After that we strolled up the King's Road towards Sloane square and she spotted some dresses she loved, this was in the dress shop that I said she would like last week (she has good taste). Then we talked about shoes for a while and I set her on her way.

It's over.

I don't care if some people say 'its just pheromones'.

I'm completely besotted and there is nothing I can do about it.

This is really annoying.

Well that told me.

After talking to various female friends I'm not allowed to hit on people I work with who already have boyfriends. Not at all. It is forbidden.

Thus I must learn to purge away my emotions which probably isn't helped by going to see A play a gig tonight.

I'm going to try and channel Merchant and Ivory and maintain a stiff upper lip. After all it's only repression, and I'm English, it's what we do.

Soppy post

A ended up taking a nap on me in the afternoon. We were in the front room with her sisters and she spread herself across me and fell asleep while her family and I talked about silly things. A is beautiful when she is asleep.

I really need to get a new topic to talk about, this is starting to annoy me. At least my favourite girl with curly hair is back in the country now and I will get to see her tomorrow.

Hitchin.

Hitchin was interesting, I have met the entire set of A's sisters and her mother. It's a all female household, spotlessly clean with a naughty little cat padding about.

A's sisters are charming, whitty and open to silly conversations, especially about how crap men are. There was a good bit where we played spot the least eligible man, it nearly got me in a fight with a burly chap wearing lots of gold but I feel it was an acceptable level of risk for the amount of laughter.

I must admit I felt like a bit of an invader by coming here, it's a female run house (like my mother's) and my role here isn't quite defined - I need to do some heavy lifting or perhaps fix a shelf. Ideally some sort of terrorist attack would happen so I could foil it while wearing a roguishly grubbly vest.

As I'm sure you can guess from the tone there was no kiss last night (Saturday), the stakes just seemed too high (if it goes wrong working together would be horrible) - plus I have a genetic weakness which makes it very hard for me to hit on girls I really like. I'm just not sure what's happened to me, maybe because I'm not used to encountering girls with long-term potential, or maybe just like her too much. It's probably just that even with a sterling effort on the part of the bars, I wasn't that drunk.

Either way the boyfriend wasn't a factor in the lack of a performance, he was dull boyfriend type 4b - small wirey with sensible hair. Not the type I would have guessed for such a moxy girl like A. Why do interesting girls go out with rubbish men? Is there just a set amount of charm one is allowed in a couple? How do couples decide who gets it?

I need to focus in the present rather than just day-dreaming about introducing A to my vast network of cousins or taking her on the family shoot - not matter how adorable she would look in a borrowed riding coat. I'm already attached to her, strangely so it's not just that I want to kiss her, it's more that I want to be involved with her - note the use of Italics.

I'm just not sure how to play this so I will have to be confused of Chelsea for a bit longer. Suggestions are welcome.

On the plus side have lipstick on my collar, A put it there. I'm looking forward to wearing it on the train home like a louche badge of honour. Lipstick marks elevate the 'walk of shame' it to something else entirely, more of a triumphant march of pride. Oh yes, I'm going to be swaggering down the King's Road later.

Socks appeal.

I always feel any situation can be handled provided one is correctly dressed. When I went to meet my father for the first time in 6 years I spent a lot of time thinking about my cufflink options, important days at work always involve at least a 20 minute session in the morning thinking about which cravat sends out just the right signals.

Currently I'm thinking about socks, I'm going to A's home town, when I will meet her mother and friends. It's a first impression so I am going to have to choose every item with real care.

Aside from all the sartorial questions involved with this there are some deeper ones. We do work awfully closely with each other - so any sort of daliance automatically has very high stakes, and I don't have, shall we say, the best track record regarding long term relationships.

It's not my fault though, I can't help it if girls are rubbish.

What I could really do with...

My old assistant B, designed this after quizzing me over the A situation. She also provided some very helpful websites.

The ultimate gold card.

Well it appears the boyfriend will be present on Sunday which rather takes the edge off the proceedings, still I'm sure it will be an entertaining trip.

I haven't quite worked out the intentions of A are, she occasionally sends me very rude emails at work for no reason than she is bored and often brings up the subject of sex when we are at lunch and when we walk along the road our bodies end up touching far more than is usual, and yet, she does have a boyfriend.

Anyway back to last night. I went out with any old friend who is very entertaining. She took me to help review a restaurant and then a couple of bars. This is always a good thing as a free meal never goes down badly and the places always give you impeccable service on the fear of getting a bad review.

We talked about all sorts of rubbish, she is currently seeing a new chap who sounds very nice and she provided sage advice on my 'family situation' and of course the issue of A.

It was awfully pleasant evening but one thought that stood out was that I realised that my friend's name is worth money. Just mentioning it at the bar or club got us instantly wooshed into the V.I.P. and then all the drinks were free, I can't think of a gold card that would get you the same level of service.

It's an office affair

I think I would like to have an affair with A, she is smashing. We get on awfully well in a flirty way, and I feel a bit strange when she talks to other boys. Could I be having a real grown up emotion? Am I becoming a real boy?

Difficulties that have to be overcome, before an affair can begin.

1) Her boyfriend, Nick

2) I don't do work affairs after the incidents surrounding my student newpaper days.

For now I think the current arrangement is one to preserve, we go out for drinks often have great lunches and laugh an awful lot. She has invited me back to her home town for Sunday night to meet a load of her friends which should be very jolly.

I'm going to have to start thinking about what to wear, after all I'm going to meet her friends and her mother. That's a tricky sock choice at the best of times.

Passing notes.

I took my new assistant (henceforth known as 'A') to a meeting today. It was a presentation by someone who does work for us about some online bits and bobs, as you can imagine it was a but dull. The people setting up the presentation had really put in an awful lot of effort with their branded goods. On our table were branded pads, pens, tea and sweets all in a sickly green.

As the meeting progressed I started to lose interest in it all, the speaker had a very monotone voice and liked to repeat things a lot. So I decided to write a note to A on my pad, this quickly progressed to a rather silly conversation which I thought I would share.

Louche - 'I bet I can eat more sweets than you'

*A & Louch both take sweets from the bowl*

A - 'Ha ha, I'm winning'

A - 'I'm the sweet queen'

Louche - 'It's not over yet, bitch'

A - 'You are going down'

Louche - 'I feel sick'

The game stopped her briefly as I had to ask some insightful questions to cover the fact that we were both shuddering with the effort of not laughing.

A - 'You smell of wee and poo'

Louche - 'Only because I hang around with you'

Louch - 'Louche RULEZ OK, A SUCKS!'

The meeting stopped then, which is probably a good thing as A was going bright red. Then we went to the local wine bar for a post meeting drink.

I never thought I would say this but meetings can be quite good fun.

Girls and Boys

During a moment of idle thought I was drawn to thinking about a girl I once knew called Harriet. She was lovely, pretty, funny, intelligent, perfect. Every man who met her fell in love with her but moments later. She wasn't interested in any of them because she longed after this other chap.

He was rubbish, he treated her terribly, was dull and wasn't even good looking. I just couldn't see the appeal (Harriet wasn't amused when I mentioned this), what is it about some girls who are drawn to men with no redeeming features? Most girls if they are really being honest admit to not being interested in men who have no money at all, but if this man has a criminal record or treats them like shit suddenly that is deeply compelling.

Girls are WEIRD.

My new assistant was talking about her boyfriend, she said he was very 'nice' when describing him. I thought it was a bit of a strange choice of adjective, but its good to see some girls at least going out with the nice chaps.

Q.F.C.

It's been a while since my last post, I've been busy doing things. Mostly involving drink but things none the less.

I'm currently dealing with a most striking hangover, I have a sharp piercing pain at the front of my head. I am going for a mini-picnic later which makes this conditional all the more challenging, how am I supposed to be pithy while sipping champagne in Hyde Park if even the thought of more booze makes me want to curl up and die.

My new concept at the moment is Q.F.C. AS I am seemingly incapable of being a part of the whole 'girlfriend' concept. My new approach is to spend quality time with a range of interesting girls simply because they are pleasant. No real commitment just jolly japes with fun fillies and that is it. This season it is all about Quality Female Company.

6AMs I have known.

I have had to come into work super early for some special stuff today, I slightly over estimated how long it would take me to sort out some computery stuff so I am at work at a loose end.

The walk in was quite pleasant, sadly the graveyard was closed so I couldn't have my usual ponder about life, death and Edwardian architecture on the way in so I started thinking of the 6ams I have known, I think it is quite a lonely time of day even if you are with people. Anyway here follows a list of notable 6ams, in no particular order.

1)6am at Glastonbury.
I went on the spur of the moment and blagged my way in. The reason I went is some Scottish friends called to say they had a spare ticket, they had neglected to bring a mobile so when I arrived I couldn't make contact with them. So I spent my first day there completely alone. I had packed the following
A spare Hawaiian shirt.
3 apples
Half a bottle of mead.
so I wasn't terribly prepared still it was a strangely magical experience.

2)6am in Scotland.
A friend was driving me to the airport to fly to Dallas to visit some people I didn't actually know. I had brought the tickets in a drunken haze and I couldn't cancel them. It was freezing cold, and I was slightly worried that when I arrived if something went wrong I had no way of contacting people I knew. It worked out fine and I had a great weekend

3)6am in Derby.
It was at a special festival type event that a friend runs, traditionally we get extremely drunk in a special white tent some friends own. It is a Nordic style circular affair and we make special cocktails and talk rubbish. I can remember stepping outside to go to the loos and seeing a sea of tents and hearing roars of laughter behind me. These festivals are great because you get to know so many people who go, if you are not careful it can take hours to leave with all the goodbyes you have to say.

4)6am in Chelsea
It was the second date with She-who-stole-my-heart, I had met her best friend in the whole world and she approved. She ended up coming back to my flat for some silly reason and we kissed in my kitchen, my knees went a bit shaky when that happened (I have never been so chemically attracted to a girl before, or since) Then we went back to my bedroom.
Things were starting to get rude but I rather held back, she was considerably more drunk than I. I think this ultimately ruined things, by turning her down I moved into 'friends' territory. I walked her to get a cab and she held my hand while whispering how well I had done that evening. We saw each other since but it became one of those strange on-off things that never quite happened.

Spring

It's been a while since I did a 'that's a bit gay' post. At the weekend I went handkerchief shopping, not just for one or two standard ones. I purchased a plethora of pretty pocket paraphernalia. I now have a collection of spring/summer hankies so that what ever the occasion I have a suitable accessory to match.

Now all I need are some summer gloves.

Houndstooth Horoscopes

I have devised a theory - Any day in which you see a lady in a houndstooth coat is going to be a good day. Through careful testing I can conclude that this theory might have 'some merit', mostly because interesting girls wear houndstooth.

In which we talk about the healing properties of velvet

I have started wearing my favourite velvet jacket as part of my spring/summer look. The long coat has been put away for a while.

This jacket is amazing, it's a deep blue and gains more compliments than any other item of clothing I wear. I strolled down to the King's Road to get my hair cut and three complete strangers complimented me on the way back. I'm almost jealous of the jacket for all the attention it has been getting.

It has also being with my on some proper misadventures, on Monday I went to K's house for some drinks and talking about stuff. It was very pleasant and I ended up crashing on her new sofa. The rest of the week was spent going out to various bashes so by the time that Friday came around I was destroyed.

Also S texted me to see if I wanted to go for a bike ride, I haven't heard from her in ages. So clearly spring is in the air.

Shows

I have spent the last four days at the Vitality Show. If you have never been to this show it is a real experience. People take actual suitcases just to fill up with freebies, I pity those people.

The Thursday of the show was okay I suppose, the first day is normally quite good fun as it is all new and we had a load of entertaining people there. Of the two new girls we hired one of them had to leave because her brother had a car accident and the other turned out to be a real star. I think she is going to come and do some semi-regular work for us now which is nice. I would like to do rude things to her but if she works for us that can never happen, still it doesn't hurt to have pretty girls in the office.

In the evening was one of our work parties, I had invited hoards of girls including a few ex-girlfriends. Here is a run down of what happened on that night, in the style of the news at ten
Here are the headlines.
BONG
Two strangers grabbed my bum (1 girl, 1 boy)
BONG
A 'very nice' P.R. got drunk and showed me what a good lesbian she could be (I'm still not sure why), she also told me about how once she had a 'lezz-off' with another pole dancer and won because the other lady came over a punters knee.
BONG
I introduced K to a chap who runs an underwear company, she said she was an 'underwear stylist' and after about 5 minutes him and his business partner offered to fund her own rage of underwear.
BONG
Total count of exs for the evening was 4, the ex-porn star got a bit jealous of the attention being given to the fake lesbians so insisted on doing an impromptu photo shoot on the stairs on the way out. The bouncer said it was 'Great'
BONG
I did quite a lot of pole dancing, and and a female stranger stuffed a tenner into my pants.
BONG
Total bar bill for me, and I only arrived at 10pm - £211
BONG
I got a lift home in a two-seater Merc with a girl on my lap, we passed 8 police cars and they didn't spot it.

Not a bad night really.

I went home alone, through choice.

Friday at the show was harder, as everyone was hungover. In the evening we had the leaving drinks of B which was a very jolly affair, she said goodbye and everyone was very silly. I arranged a competition where A (who was working on our stand) had to hold a deck of cards in her mouth while B tickled her, bets were placed on how many cards would be spat out and a good time was had by all. B ended up going back to Henry's house for a cup of tea which is jolly exciting as I think they would get on very well, if it wasn't for the fact B is moving to Devon.

Saturday was even harder, more people were at the show but three days of it can break anyones spirit. We struggled through and I was so tired that I even turned down the offer of a house party with some fun people because I needed some sleep.

Sunday was the killer, four days of battling through the endless waves of show people combined with little sleep and the fact that all the girls had left (B was picked up by her mother at midday) so there wasn't even anyone to play with.

I have met middle England now, and I don't like it.

Right, I have to go and get ready for work, I have lost an entire weekend so this is my 8th working day in a row and I have quite important meeting, gah.