Bye bye car

Today the car goes. It's been broken for a while but today it should disappear. I say should because I can't find the bloody keys. I've waited so long to get rid of it because I have also been waiting for the documentation and it's never arrived.

So yes, this is going to involve some sweet talking to get the chap to take it away. I hope I can manage it. I mean, it's not anything criminal I'm asking him to do, I think, or I hope.

Also I've decided I don't want to cycle to Spain but I'm not sure how to get out of it. I think the problem is that it would end up being a very, very expensive holiday and if I was going to spend that much money on a week long break it would be to go somewhere pretty amazing.

I'm not sure how to get out of it though. And yes, I admit this might be connected to Lycra's behavoir, but if I decided to do it because I like her then it seems okay to chose not to because I don't so much anymore.

The next stupid plan - Spain.

I have just agreed to cycle to Spain. Yes a girl is involved. It's for charity (which is what normal people use as an excuse to do stupid things) but mostly I'm going because she is hot.

Actually she is a bit too hot. Last time I met her I couldn't really hold a conversation with her because I fancied her so much. Instead of saying witty things about topical events I sat quietly with my hands in my lap. In hindsight it was funny, but at the time it was painful.

So anyway, under the guise of perhaps being to talk to her again I've agreed to spend two weeks cycling to Spain at some point in July. Now I just need to get a bike, and well, the fittest I've been in my entire life.

All of this and she probably thinks I'm a bit simple. Oh well, it will probably be fun and even if it goes terribly wrong it will make a good stand-up routine.

I've seen this all before.

Chuck emailed me twice today, and then sent me a text message late at night. She was acting as if we hadn't had several very unpleasant phone calls. Behavior like this is just so predictable. Now that I know that she is doing an A I could show how the next few months is going to work out with a map. It would be boring if it wasn't so tragic.

People at work have remarked how happier I seem, and I am because I have a bit of certainty in my life again. I like knowing how I stand with people, and if the result is negative at least that's a result. I'm not sure if this makes me a bit mad or just a pragmatist.

It was an office affair that got out of hand, that's all. I thought for a while it was something else but affairs like this are relationship equivalent of smack. They are consuming and in the middle of it you forget everything else. When you stop and look around you realise your life is in tatters and you weren't even you anymore.

On the plus side, if I am doomed to repeat myself I'll meet a fiery Latina next. So I should probably dig out my Spanish books again.

Phileas fogg and the over-developed sense of adventure

I like adventures, especially the sort that start off due to a wager or perhaps having a glass of brandy too many. People don't bet each other enough if you ask me. When was the last time you bet something? I mean not in the mechanical process of gambling in a casino, but actually wagered someone that they couldn't eat two dozen eggs or that you could lift them above your head?

I mention this because my new mechanical pocket watch is making me want to take up all sorts of bets. Sadly getting around the world in 80 days is well a bit easy these days, but I'm sure some other sort of suitable challenge can be found. Something with just the right amount of danger and top hats.

I doubt I'll discover it this weekend. I still don't have my replacement bank cards, in typical bank style they delivered them while I was in Spain and now they are somewhere in the mystical void. Still, nothing like a bit of hardship to focus the mind, or at least focus the mind on how much you really don't like the girl who 'borrowed' your coat for an hour with out asking so she could have a cigarette and caused all these issues.

I don't know if I'd even forgive Audrey Tautou for that.

Larks, phones and cybercafes

I'm in a cybercafe in a nearby town. It's very brightly coloured and loud 80s rock is playing in the background. Jordie the owner of the cyber cafe and I have become good chums, well chums in that special way where you don't share much of a language but because you are chaps you don't need that much to get along.

It's pleasantly warm here, and everyone is very jovial. I like the relaxed attitude to things as well. I'm in a cybercafe but Jordie is fine with me just plugging my laptop in to one of their network cables and using that instead of their computers. I like easy going people.

I had to make my bed by candle-light last night which was a bit of an experience and this morning we had to herd up some naughty horses with the help of the St Bernard 'Bubba' who has adopted the family I'm staying with. He is a big dribbling monster of a dog but very good natured. There are two other dogs, a big sleepy one that looks like lassie and a very naughty mongrel puppy called Cyrus. Cyrus spends large parts of his day hanging off the tail of the St Bernard.

I realise now that I've also packed almost entirely the wrong wardrobe for this trip, my jumper selection is very limited (it gets quite chilly in the evenings because we are so high up) and I doubt there will be much call for a waistcoat while bimbling about on horses.

The stables I'm staying at believe in Natural Horsemanship. This seems to be about letting a horse be a horse. Horses should run free in a pack and spend all day grazing because that is what horses do. By forcing a horse to spend most of it's day in a stable and then feeding it a couple of high-energy meals you are making it not be a horse. All of the problems you can get with horses - biting and bad nature and so on seem to come from when they are made to act in a way that is un-natural to them. I'm not sure if I'm completely understanding the concept or explaining it very well but what I've seen so far is very compelling.

Once you get that horses should be allowed to be horses then you get onto the principle of working with horses. The idea is to get the horse to willingly submit to you being a leader rather than dominating it. My father believed in sort of the same thing with his horses and treated them accordingly. It took me an evening over a bottle of wine to understand the concept but now I completely get it and well it makes the other ways of treating horses seem a bit, well unpleasant.

It is time for me to leave now, but I'll be posting more by my phone which seems to be working well enough.

Invading Spain

I'm off to Spain tomorrow to learn how to Horse Whisper. This will be a slightly more troubled trip than planned for two reasons.

1) I still don't have my debit or credit cards, so instead I'm travelling with a reasonable wodge of cash hidden about my person.

2) I've not managed to get hold of the people I'll be staying with to do a last minute check in to ensure they will be able to pick me up from the airport.

As you can imagine this had added to the thrill of the journey. I'll be landing in a country I've never been in before, with a limited command of the native language, only the vaguest idea of where I'm staying and no real contacts should things go wrong.

Still, it could be the start of a brilliant adventure and at least I do actually have some cash with me so I'm not going to have to become a highway man or anything like that. Or at least I won't have to become a highway man for a couple of days.

Now I have to frantically pack my bags as in traditional style I've left it for the last possible moment, in my head I've already selected what I'm going to take but none of is it actually in any luggage yet.

Also I'm going to need to brush up on my Spanish, I was learning it slowly because of the previous girlfriend but since we split up I rather lost interest. Still I can't blame a whole dialect for the failings of one person and so I'm going to be working through it again while doing a million other things.

This isn't a total holiday I'll be working on a few things while I'm there, and I have a piece I have to hand in on Wednesday which means I'll be writing bilge about property while I'm over there as part of my quest to get a motorbike. There is an outside chance that I'll get to write about the trip for work which would be spiffing as it would be my first travel piece and provide yet more funds towards aforementioned bike.

What I especially like about this trip is it is exactly the sort of last-minute roguish adventure that best suits a single chap with responsibilities limited to a couple of plants and a wardrobe.

Rejection, passports and parties

Being a writer involves a lot of rejection. It's a big part of the job, countless ideas will be sent over to editors in a light-hearted fluffy sort of way to see if they make the grade. Most of them don't, which is why newspapers are good I suppose but it still makes it a bit sad when an idea you think is an absolute corker is approved by the features editor but the over-all editor says no.

These things happen and a chap should just take them on the chin and jolly well come up with some fresh ideas. I don't really mind that much, I mean this is part of the fun of writing if it was easy it wouldn't be anywhere near as much fun.

Speaking of fun my new passport is going to arrive in a few days, I can't wait to start going on all sorts of adventures with it. It looks like the first trip on it will be one to Spain where I'm going to learn how to talk horse. This is an excellent thing to do for two reasons.

1)It's bound to be at least a little bit warmer in Spain so I can crack out the linen suit.
2)Learning how to talk to horses is great for impressing girls.

Before any of this sort of stuff can happen, I've got to get myself looking respectable again. It's time for the traditional Thursday party for something I can't quite recall but that will feature cocktails and girls in pretty dresses.