Government to turn internet off at night to save power

In the latest move to conserve energy the government is going to turn off the Internet at night.

"Most people are asleep at night, so it is the most logical time to do it," said Caroline Killjoy, "I go to bed at 9pm and so I never use the Internet in the evenings so I doubt anyone else does. We will turn it on again at 9am when people get into work.

"We think we will be able to save enough energy to boil an egg, it's important to do our bit to save the planet."

The goverment has introduced this to counter-act the fact that most of the lights are left on in offices across London even when no-one is here. When we questioned Carlone Killjoy about this she made the following statement

"We looked into getting them to turn the lights off, but it's just so pretty when the banks have their lights on and anyway they said no."

Gordon Brown admits 'size was a factor' with Heathrow expansion

In a surprisingly candid interview Gordon Brown has admitted that wanting the biggest airport was a factor in the approved expansion of Heathrow.

"Sarkozy was going on about how big his airport was and how it helped him land this totally hot wife. I got a spam email about expanding my girth to impress the ladies and suddenly it all became clear.

If I really wanted to satisfy the people, and by people I mean sexy birds, I'd need the longest schlong, *ahem* I mean runway. While I understand there will be environmental concerns about this we shouldn't over look the fact that I'll be able to brag to almost every leader in Europe about how big my airports are. I think we can all agree that rocks. IN YOUR FACE SARKOZY"

Andy Wobblet, The spokesperson of the Union of the Sellers of Toblerone and Travel Plug sets had this to say.

"While we realise that most of the people travelling through the expanded airport won't actually help the British economy in the slightest they will be brilliant for us. This expansion will help support 3,000 jobs in the Toblerone mines in Switzerland and ensure the future of the people who make those funny little plug things. Basically anyone with a shop outside Heathrow airport is going to be fucked."

Andy Wobblet isn't the only person to realise this. Sir Phillip Green, head of a load of shops has put forward the following plan.

"The high street as we know it is dead, and so we have made the bold decision to move our entire selection of shops inside Heathrow. We have to move with the times, and this means putting 100% of our retail sites inside Terminal 6"

Mohammed Alfied, owner of Harrods is also said to be seriously considering relocating the iconic London store inside Terminal 6. He declined to comment but a subsidery of his, Tacky Inc is said to be lobbying the government to expand Heathrow to include Knightsbridge.

(this post might be a lie)