We need to talk about velvet

So I'm back in London. Yeah. The new job is bloody amazing. It's such a delight to be in the warm bosom of a women's magazines.

The first week was well a bit stressful really. It was aces fun but I was so tense that I gave myself stress headaches. Fool. A early night combined with running again helped sort that out. Also I relaxed a bit.

I had my first Friday in the pub with the gang, it was excellent and I was invited onto the newly formed 'Style Council' by the fashion desk. We have had our first theme day velvet and on Thursday the theme is tweed.

There will be feature on how velvet is coming back in a future issue of the magazine, and that is my fault. I'm not just fashionable, I'm setting the agenda!

Also I'm going to get a make-over. I have a gang!

It's so great to be back it doesn't feel entirely real. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up or get sent back to the Wilderness...

Let's hope not eh?

London Ho! (possibly)

Yes. I know it's has been a while, but I have news!

I've moved back to the ghetto, it's a just a stepping stone though, one surrounded by burnt out cars and needles. Actually it's not that bad. I doubt it will ever impress a girl, but it is warm and cheap.

The reason I'm not that bothered about it is that a return to London is more than on the cards, it's in motion.

Someone has left one of the London magazines. I found out via Facebook and contacted their old boss to say I'd like to be considered. You have to do stuff like this because London jobs are often just mysteriously filled without ever being advertised.

They were shocked that I would even be interested in the job, but very interested in the prospect of getting me in. I had to explain that I would be delighted by the prospect of moving back to London rather than fretting over it.

I've already met the editor, and a couple of other key people so now I have a trial day coming up next week. The only skill left for them to test me on is funny writing. I could have done some today but since I have near-fatal man flu (annoying headcold) I didn't think I'd be on top form.

Also I want to buy some new clothes for my trial day so I look suitably cool, and get a haircut. Eek! I need to organise that. The standard of dress in the London office is astoundingly high so I'll have to up my game a bit.

Which I'm actually really looking forward too.

As for places to lives. In a sort of miracle, one of my best friends has got hold of a lovely house in London for free and I've got a room reserved. It's like the cottage, but warm, with furniture and in London. Hurrah!

This would mean moving house twice in a month, but I think it's worth it. For a start most of my stuff is still in bags so I won't have to do much packing.

Made of Rar! Bad week, good week.

Last week was a tricky one.

On Monday a bike got stolen while in my care. Arrgh etc. Just after getting my wheels back, for the first time in over a year allowed a bike over the weekend and BANG. It gets stolen. I was furious.

As you can imagine this rather messed up my week. I don't know if I'm going to be banned again because of the bike disappearing. On Thursday night I thought 'enough was enough'.

And so did something a bit bold. I emailed a publish with a pitch for a non-fiction book. Something to do with work. It was a fairly short email, focused if you will. I sent it across first thing in the morning.

Twenty minutes later I had a meeting arranged to go in and talk to the publisher about the idea. GET IN. I just need to tell my agent about this now, I hope he isn't upset.

Days Marching by

In the past week I've been to a great party in London, passed a riding assessment with flying colours, ridden about a dozen new bikes, flirted with more girls than I should and resolutely refused to ask for any of their numbers, gone out to local bars and had fun.

It's been really rather good. I mean surprisingly good. I still miss London desperately but work up here has been about as good as it can be in the last week or so. I'm still moving on, but this is definitely helping make the days march by.

I'm only in the cottage for a few more weeks now. It seems a bit sad, but any time I start to have regrets I just think about all the cash I'm going to save by moving out. Cash I can use to do fun stuff.

I'm going to get some new clothes too. I need a new waistcoat that fits and I'd like some new shirts too. I'm not sure what exactly, but I'll know when I see it. It will be a new beginning shirt.

Review

I had my feedback review at work, or what-ever it is called. This one was a weirdly pleasant experience. Well pleasant in parts.

Given that I don't want to be working there anymore that allowed me a bit of freedom in what I said. So we went through the usual areas of things I could improve. Annoyingly writing came up again, which is annoying because I've not written anything in almost year.

I did point this out, and the point was conceeded. The other 'area for improvement' was on the production side of things. This I think comes down to a lack of explaining and communication. People want you to write plans down rather than juggle them in your head.

The big, and slightly shocking feedback is that one of the chaps I work for doesn't think I do anything. He has been acting weird ever since his engagement was announced, which might go to explaining this outburst.

I dealt with the issue, in my feedback but I sense a clash is coming up. Not as a counter attack or anything from me, but he is just getting so fiery towards everyone.

The big moment in the feedback session thing was when I told my boss that I wanted to move to London. I said the job wasn't going anywhere, and that I've lived in the wilderness for nearly two years and I don't have a single friend outside of work. I said I'd been talking to the London office about jobs.

He took it rather well I think, thanked me for my honesty and said he'd would also see if anything came up. I imagine at some point the editor will take me to the side and have a chat with me about it, but I'll just be honest too.

Thing is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the wilderness and while playing with motorbikes is fun, it isn't everything to me.

So yes, very productive feedback thingybob, I think, but I doubt it's over yet. I'm sure there will be aftershocks, but since the lease on the cottage over and I'll be moving back to tiny little gigs that cost nothing. Well if I got asked to leave I'd just contact a direct competitor and said 'Would you like to win the battle over the internet?'

I'd bet a bottle of gin that I could do it too.

Work tries harder

Work has been surprisingly skill in the last week. Shockingly so. It's as if 'work' knows I'm planning to leave it and it's doing a last ditch attempt to keep things together. You know, fancy underwear, flowers etc.

The main example of this is tests. I work at a magazine based around a specific hobby and it's products. It's a big, hobby shared by quite a few chaps. Anyway. On the magazine we have a few people who are employed to test these products. They get flown around to hot countries to test new things and are constantly sent new things to test. It's amazing the life style they lead. I think only A grade rock stars get treated better. They still moan about how hard things are for them.

Anyway, sometimes they need other people to help test these things. Which means a day out of the office doing the hobby and having a nice time. I've never been invited on one of these tests, but I've helped film one or two.

On Monday I was selected to take part in a three-part mega test which will be inspired by a well known TV show lets call it Highest Ratio. This TV show features three chaps who are into a method of transport messing about and completing challenges.

I'm going to be working on a three part feature like that, which will also be filmed. Two senior testers are involved and they want japes and misadventure. I'm a bit nervous, just because I've always stayed behind the camera in the past because I'm a bit too posh for our beloved readers.

This could be a bit of a turning point, it will give me a great portfolio piece and for the first time in about five years an up to date show reel.

Blimey eh?

In which Louche and his possy win an award.

I won, well my team and I won. So that's good. We deserved it.

The awards were fun, they looked and acted like the awards off the telly but with terrible presenters (The MD and some head of digital lady) and far more drunken tomfoolery.

For a while it looked like we weren't going to get any awards, we didn't even get nominated for some catagories. People started getting a bit fighty and then we won some stuff and it calmed down a bit.

I got drunk, made some good contacts in the London office and danced. Chuck came over and talked to me which was a bit awkward but I managed get involved in an arm-wresting contest with a co-worker and she went away. Phew.

We nearly got stranded in London - the coach back tried to leave without us. But the Hat had already said I could stay at her place if I wanted.

It was a terribly kind offer, which I wanted to take up but I thought I should really hang around with my award winning team. You know celebrate with the darling little nerds.

Which one is suitable?

I'm applying for more jobs now. I'm going to try and apply for at least one a day. The company awards are on Thursday, and I'm going to use them to chat to loads of London people and pimp myself out.

I need to think carefully about what to wear. I have my trusty pinstripe suit. It's brilliantly cut, has served me well and gets compliments.

Or I could dig out the lilac suit, it's a bit mad so people won't forget me, but well it's quite loud. I suppose I shouldn't buy loud suits if I'm not going to wear them. It's a tricky one.

The Lilac suit will cause a scene (if I still fit into it) but will it make people think 'gosh I need to give that chap a job'?

Also I'm not sure how I'm going to get home from the awards either. There is a coach back to work, but then I'll have to get back to the Wilderness.

If I'm going to be stuck in the middle of no-where I think I'd prefer to be in a faintly normal suit, although in hindsight stumbling around the countryside at 3am dressed as a dandy makes a better story.

Waiting and running

Tomorrow is the closing date for applications for the job. I'm rather excited, even though I know it's decidedly dangerous to get too excited about these sort of things.

I can't help but day dream about life in London again, a life where I bump into chums in the street and people call up and say 'I've got a spare ticket to X, fancy coming along tonight?'

I miss meeting friends for lunch but most of all I miss the seasons of London. Not just the different times of year, but the different times of day.

The white heat of post-work Soho, to the eery silence of early morning Knightsbridge. Lazy lunch times in Hampstead and even the frantic bustle of Picadilly.

These used to be part of my day, I could go and see facinating art, or stare at dinosaurs for free, and walk there and back. Many bizarre adventures to strange parts of London were undertaken with the warming comfort that if it all went wrong I could just walk home.

I once got lost in the city after drinking with a strange mixture of people and had to use the river to navigate. I found it, got on the North side and then bimbled my way home.

To some people that would sound like a nightmare, but to me it's now a fond memory.

I really home I get this job.

Becoming Zoolander

My jeans are now so loose that I can slip them off without undoing them. I've only just noticed this. I'm hoping this will perhaps save my life if my trousers catch on fire while I'm wearing mittens.

Mostly it just makes it looks like I've just inherited my big brother's trousers and I'm hoping to grow in to them.

I should point out that I'm not wasting away or anything like that. Quite the opposite. One thing I have become is more complicated to draw. What was a slightly doughy shape now has definition and lines to it. It's very compelling to slowly turn into an anatomical diagram of muscle groups.

I'm looking forward to showing my 'project' to the girl I'm sort of seeing. I say sort of there have been dates, with more on the cards. Not quite 'dating' but potentially the beginning of something. I'd be seeing her far more often but being in different counties rather makes things more complicated, not to mention expensive.

to try and resolve the situation I spoke to an editor in London about jobs but sadly there was nothing suitable, this will be the first of many enquiries. I've decided every day I have to do something job related, as in find another job in London.

I am done with the wilderness and it is time to return to my beloved city.

Tough Tuesday

That's what yesterday will be known as from now on. In one day I was denied a raise, not give a motorbike (when everyone else in the office got one) and found out I wasn't getting a travel assignment I'd previously been told I was getting.

So yes, I understand all of these things are perks and one should be glad of what you have but still, it stings.

I knew I wasn't going to be getting a bike, due to the work ban so that's the least surprising one. Think of it as a little angsty cherry on top of the cake of woe.

The raise is annoying. I did ask my direct boss, how my job could have gone any better? I've massively exceeded every possible target and even though it's not a part of my job, I'm bringing in extra cash to the company, quite a considerable amount. These are all the reasons why I'm being put forward for an award. Gah.

The travel trip would have been lovely and the person charge of it had previously emailed me to say I was 'top of the queue' for the trip.

All in one day! Gah! It's as if you devised the perfect storm to make me update my C.V. then this was it.

I suppose today can't be any worse, that's a plus right?

The quest for Hollywood tits

It's only a day till pay day. Hurrah for pay, and days with pay in them!

In other news I'm actually really enjoying work at the moment. I don't know why but that week off really refreshed me and so I'm going at it like a trooper at the moment. This hasn't actually had any effect, it's more like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with gusto rather then vague disinterest.

The only other thing of note to happen yesterday is that I briefly wore a t-shirt in public (post gym) and a workmate said I looked like a pugilist. So I suppose that's a sign, I've now reached the point that if I wear anything even vaguely skimpy people comment on my figure. So there you go, it takes about 3 months and you have to eat differently. That's been the biggest surprise that food makes such a difference. Not more, not less, just better.

The next step in the gym plan is 'Hollywood tits' this ridiculous pectorals that you see in films. I want to see if I can grow some of them. It's like gardening but with your own body.

Gym member of the month

Yes I finally did it. I am gym member of the month. I was 5 days clear of my nearest competitor, the LOSER*

I think this is another sign that I'm turning into a gym bunny. Anyway seeing I was member of the month I decided to do a post-week off work out. It was a hardcore one because after a week of not working out I had loads of energy. Also since I was member of the month I had to show the lesser mortals in the gym how things were done.

To add to the fun the air conditioning was broken.

And so I worked out so hard that I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening feeling really quite sick. So sick that I had to give myself a bit of a talking to. I was about to fall asleep but I'd promised a girl that I'd call her to arrange a second date. The talking to worked and so that was sorted out *phew*.

Morale of the story, when you are starting to flag at the end of the work out stop and think 'okay time to calm down' instead of thinking 'FEEL THE BURN COME ON YOU CAN DO ANOTHER TWENTY MINUTES'. Or put another way, I am a spaz.

I went to the gym again today but took it easy (for me) and instead feel rather marvellous this evening. A big improvement I feel.

I'm going to celebrate by not eating brown rice. Good times.

*who probably has a social life.

Booze drought

We have run out of booze. For someone who never drinks on his own, having my brother around has completely switched my attitude to boozing in the evenings. I'm not sure what we are going to drink tonight, we only have novelity drinks left, you know the sort that you only buy as a joke. Dark times indeed.

I'm trying to do some writing today, which means I've already put the bins out, cleaned the front room and think I'll do the washing-up next. I have to put more gloss on the children's book, well it's a bit beyond gloss. It needs a fresh coat of paint, and a bit of bodywork done, and perhaps a new engine.

My mother read it and said it was 35% there. 35% is a bit lower than I would have hoped, still I suppose that is 35%. So a third of the way there, so I will continue the slog, or at least I will after I've done the washing up.

If we hold the stationary cupboard, we hold the office

There is a coup at work brewing. The top chap is fine, but one of his lieutenants is a berk. Historically he has been a harmless berk but when something didn't go well he blamed it on the team.

The thing was so bad that the top chap came down to gave the leaders of the team a good telling off. After quite a big verbal bashing the team leaders eventually said 'hold on a minute, he told us to do that'

That was day before yesterday. Yesterday there were a few frantic meetings, with the berk storming about trying to find out who said those things. I'm only getting snippets of this but it's quite gripping.

It should be said that this berk has always been a berk, and he has no real skills but nothing seems to stick to him. There are a few people in the company like this, ones that amaze you that they are still employed.

Dialogue from the office

Here is some dialogue from lunch time. One of the chaps from marketing had just waltzed past.

M (Best chum at work) - 'What do you think of GB?'

L - 'I can't stand him. He is a heady combination of smug and useless'

M - 'I hate him more'

L - 'Would you pee on him if he was on fire?'

M - 'No'

L - 'What about in the eyes? That probably wouldn't put the fire out'

M - 'Yes, I'd pee in his eyes if he was on fire'

L - 'You've got a meeting with him later haven't you?'

M - 'Yes'

L - 'Better drink some more water'

Moods in the gym

My moods are all over the place at the moment. Some days I'm feeling like a character from The Road, barely scraping an existence with no real hope of reprieve. Other days, the situation is entirely the same but I don't seem to mind so much.

I mean, somethings about the current situation are good. I like the people I work with, and the cottage. Other things are less nice, no real way to progress at work, the work isn't that engaging at the moment and my social life is almost non-existent. I do the occasional thing, but nothing on the scale of my previous London adventures. I miss evenings in a pub, bizarre art shows and long afternoons in the best wine merchant in London.

I miss my friends, I know they are technically a train journey away but it's quite an awkward (as in the linking trains are awful and infrequent) and expensive train journey. I have to say that when I move back to London (and I will) I will NEVER complain about having to cross London on the tube to see someone. NEVER*

I managed to go to the gym again today, this was a challenge because I have done something awful to my foot. I think I did it while running down a hill towards the pub after the hike. Anyway, it was a sort of easy gym trip, at least to begin with the spazzy foot meant I couldn't do any running, or cycling or anything like that. Instead I did weights, and played around with the machines. This resulted in me setting myself two new challenges.

1) I want to be able to bench press the weight of a co-worker.
2) I also want to be able to do 20 pull-ups.

The second one is going to be challenging, I've lost a bit of weight since going to the gym but I've also put on a lot in muscle so I'll be pulling up a fair old lump. Still I didn't think I'd manage the 700 calories in 20 minutes and I can do that with relative ease now. So there is hope.

God I'm boring these days.

*For at least the first few months.

Forcing words in my head

I've been getting my learn on recently, and I think my new attitude to learning is gym inspired. The thing is, when you first go to the gym it's a bit awful. You will discover that really you aren't that fit. The next day you will feel terrible, massively sore and it's hard to work out why you would even consider going again.

Add to this the fact that you won't notice any difference in your body for a while and it's easy to understand why people give up after a bit. The thing is, one you get through that it starts to get really fun. All the modern machines give you numbers to compare yourself with so you can see yourself making progress and so it's rewarding. I enjoy this.

It's spilled over to other things, while learning Japanese I've been forcing myself to study every night and I've had to learn a whole load of symbols for the alphabets. The first one is pretty sorted now, and I'm working on my second alphabet. It's hard, after having learned all the noises and shapes I have to learn a new set off them. Still if I can get this nailed I'm most of the way there.

Work is hard at the moment, we are under huge pressure to do lots of things with no end in sight. If I didn't have the furious learning of Japanese to destract me I think I'd go a bit mad.

Time to do stupid things

I haven't worked out when my blogging time is, which is why I've been a bit rubbish at updating. It's not a great excuse but it's a true one.

I've spoken to the Albert bridge girl a few times since the lunch. She laughed a lot on the phone, when I wasn't even being that funny. I'm taking this as a good sign, but I'm not getting too hopeful. I have however been managing to play it cool, which is rare for me. I don't do cool terribly well.

I think the problem is that playing it cool, is very much like not being interested and that just seems wrong. This is a source of comedy for me at least - I'm writing again - even thinking about doing a show. My job just doesn't stimulate me as much as it used to, and there just has to be more to life than well, a cottage.

That isn't to say I don't like the cottage, but I just don't think I should be here yet. I should be in London, or something. And not just because there are girls there who I like stomping across bridges with, but because there is life there. Proper life, the life you can't predict and that constantly surprises you. I need change, radical changes which means I'm going to have to do some radical stuff.

Yes, I'm fixing to do something stupid.

Choose your own adventure Louche.

I have a few options this weekend. It's like a choose your own adventure book.

1) Stay in house whole weekend writing stuff I should have finished years ago. Clean cottage, do washing. Wake up on Monday with everything ready for the week ahead but with a vague feeling of 'is this really what I spent all week looking forward too?'. This is how I spend a lot of weekends

2) Date on Friday in the tiny town set up by a chum at work. On Saturday go clubbing with people from work (all girls) and see what the charms of the local town are on a normal weekend. On Sunday go for long hike with chum from work (male).

3) Go down to London for long weekend. Catch up with lovely London chums, then have lunch with girl who is so pretty I can't really talk to her (she has asked me). Possibly have first date with someone else work people are trying to set me up with. Toy with the idea of Christmas shopping but decide to do it online instead. Come home tired but at least feeling I did something with my time off.

4) None of the above.