I'm not gay

Boxing Moustaches

2011-03-24T01:13:00.000-07:00

Hello Chaps,

I am still here. I'm just so exhausted most of the time. Not the sort of malady that falls on one when they black dog visits but a fitness mid-life crisis.

I'm not exactly sure it is a mid-life crisis but I am well, 30 and suddenly I've signed up to a load of new things. I box now.

Proper boxing in an East London gym, I'm new to it so mostly I spend evenings being punched in the face by people with tattoos.

It's hard to explain the pleasure of it, I suppose it's something to do with being told your entire life not to punch someone and then finally being told to punch someone as hard as you can.

There are rules of course and some of my fellow boxists don't entirely follow them. There is a chap called Joel who is Italian and seemingly doesn't understand that the face isn't part of the torso. When you spar with him, and the trainer - called Bill of course - says body hits only Joel still goes for the face.

So after he has smacked you in the chops you have to stop and say 'No look Joel, I know this is a fight but no punchy the face, capiche?'

The fight resumes, he behaves for a bit and then clocks you in the bonce again. The fight pauses again and this time the trainer Bill who looks like he would win a fight with a train steps in.

'Look Joel, no face punching okay? Just body hits'

I stand back and check I still have a nose. It's hard to do while wearing boxing gloves.

'I didn't punch him in the face' says Joel, doing a shrug. He is trying to look like the sort of person who couldn't even imagine punching someone in the face.

'I saw you do it Joel, keep the punches to the body, okay?' says the trainer.

Presence of nose confirmed, the fight resumes. It goes on for a bit, Joel is a wild swinging boxer and fast, so it's like fighting a squid, one that keeps clocking you in the face.

BAM.

I now have wonky jaw.

The trainer shouts at Joel again. Joel appeals that he could never have punched me in the face, I must have moved my fast forward and down suddenly into someone else's fist.

The fight begins again. I'm learning to protect my head.

Joel takes a swing at my head, but it is blocked. I let out an internal cheer. He smacks me on the other side of the head. I spin around a bit. A detached part of my mind things 'wow, that does really happen.'

My rage is building, fast. I've told him to stop. The trainer has told him to stop. In social situation this might end with a fight, but we are already fighting. I don't know how to respond.

I decide to write him a stiff letter. While deciding on an appropriately chilling sign off I am punched in the head again.

The fight is stopped. Joel gets a telling off from the trainer. I spar with someone else who because he is a gentleman only punches me in the stomach. It's bliss.

I still can't explain why I go, but I'm not stopping.

I may grow a moustache get the whole Victorian strongman look going a bit more. I know that this will mean that the delights of women would be forever closed off to me, but one has to pay the price for progress. I'd quite like a caddish pencil moustache, which would eventually grow into a quite bushy number.

One should never pick facial hair lightly. It's an investment

I am not gay and I am not dead

2011-02-07T11:31:00.001-08:00

No really. I'm still here. I've just, well I've just got into some bad habits, and briefly, into some bad women.

Here are some things I'm loving at the moment:

Navy stripes

the whole Breton thing. I've got a selection of t-shirts and jumpers in that style. I'm thinking of investing in a cap too.

Chelsea boots

it's been this year's winter boot and it's got just the right mix of traditional with a hint of naughty.

Bold coloured socks
Just about the only bad thing about Chelsea boots is it is hard to show off pleasingly coloured socks. I've recently bought a whole load of delightful shades so I have options for almost every occasion.

And some things I'm not loving

Black, in clothes
I'm trying to remove black from my wardrobe. It's a slow process because my only sensible coat is black. I am prepared to suffer a bit to look good but when you are so cold it feels like your soul is freezing it's time to dress sensibly.

Lumberjack shirts
If everyone is wearing them, then I want none of it. I do have one, it was a bribe and I only wear it when I'm actually chopping wood.
Long hours
It's a side effect of an interesting job I know, but really? really?

More work

2010-11-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

The work fun continues. I'm being stretched, dusty neurons that have been asleep for years are firing up again. Most nights I'm exhausted by it all, I think I've pulled a muscle in my head a few times.

I'm loving every moment of it.

Also I've been there just over two weeks and I've no had an affair with ANYONE. Well done me!

It's not thought want to suitable people mind you. I was in a morning meeting and I realised I fancied every woman in the meeting. I'm such a slut sometimes.

Well actually I've sort of changed tactics. I have my eye on someone but it's a long shot. A very long shot. It will require tactics, cunning and more luck than I've ever had before.

Let the games begin.

We need to talk about velvet

2010-11-09T13:14:00.000-08:00

So I'm back in London. Yeah. The new job is bloody amazing. It's such a delight to be in the warm bosom of a women's magazines.

The first week was well a bit stressful really. It was aces fun but I was so tense that I gave myself stress headaches. Fool. A early night combined with running again helped sort that out. Also I relaxed a bit.

I had my first Friday in the pub with the gang, it was excellent and I was invited onto the newly formed 'Style Council' by the fashion desk. We have had our first theme day velvet and on Thursday the theme is tweed.

There will be feature on how velvet is coming back in a future issue of the magazine, and that is my fault. I'm not just fashionable, I'm setting the agenda!

Also I'm going to get a make-over. I have a gang!

It's so great to be back it doesn't feel entirely real. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up or get sent back to the Wilderness...

Let's hope not eh?

London Ho! (possibly)

2010-09-16T02:50:00.000-07:00

Yes. I know it's has been a while, but I have news!

I've moved back to the ghetto, it's a just a stepping stone though, one surrounded by burnt out cars and needles. Actually it's not that bad. I doubt it will ever impress a girl, but it is warm and cheap.

The reason I'm not that bothered about it is that a return to London is more than on the cards, it's in motion.

Someone has left one of the London magazines. I found out via Facebook and contacted their old boss to say I'd like to be considered. You have to do stuff like this because London jobs are often just mysteriously filled without ever being advertised.

They were shocked that I would even be interested in the job, but very interested in the prospect of getting me in. I had to explain that I would be delighted by the prospect of moving back to London rather than fretting over it.

I've already met the editor, and a couple of other key people so now I have a trial day coming up next week. The only skill left for them to test me on is funny writing. I could have done some today but since I have near-fatal man flu (annoying headcold) I didn't think I'd be on top form.

Also I want to buy some new clothes for my trial day so I look suitably cool, and get a haircut. Eek! I need to organise that. The standard of dress in the London office is astoundingly high so I'll have to up my game a bit.

Which I'm actually really looking forward too.

As for places to lives. In a sort of miracle, one of my best friends has got hold of a lovely house in London for free and I've got a room reserved. It's like the cottage, but warm, with furniture and in London. Hurrah!

This would mean moving house twice in a month, but I think it's worth it. For a start most of my stuff is still in bags so I won't have to do much packing.

Moving on.

2010-08-29T23:39:00.001-07:00

Well I'm nearly done. I got a bit frantic because I had so much stuff but actually it's not as bad as I feared. I still haven't managed to get a suitable home for the sofa or the fridge which means they are off to the dump. I just have to destroy a bed, clean a kitchen and scrub down the cottage. Simple.

Moving house is horrible but it will be over soon and I'm feeling really positive about the move now. This is definitely the right thing to do and if everything goes to plan, just a first step back to London.

So yeah, feeling good about it all. Coolie has it covered

Freecycle, moving, and things.

2010-08-28T02:56:00.000-07:00

Freecycle is amazing. I have furniture I don't need and I really, really don't want to take it to the dump, because it's perfectly good furniture. So I've put it on freecycle.

The response has been great. Hopefully by the end of the day I'll have got rid of most of my stuff. The only minor glitch is people being really fussy. It's a free table, I'm sorry if the the colour doesn't quite work for you no need to get so stroppy.

Also freecycle has quite a lot of people asking for unrealistic stuff. I doubt you will get a new top of the range laptop, people don't tend to give those away.

So this weekend will involve a lot of frantic scrubbing of carpets and a sort of reverse evolution of the cottage. The washing machine is going in a bit, the fridge will be later and the sofa is going to disappear too. It's a little bit sad until I think of my bank balance.

Then it's the best thing I've ever done.

Cancelled, cancelled, cancelled.

2010-08-25T23:31:00.000-07:00

I've been cancelling loads of stuff because I'm leaving the cottage. Water, council tax, phones, all sorts. It's very satisfying to realise that these huge chunks of cash aren't going to be flying out of my bank account on the first of the month anymore. Even more satisfying is the fact that I'm due some refunds.

I've not been getting my 25% of council tax for being a poor lonely singleton and so I'm getting that back. It's like a government organised saving scheme. I've put a away a little every month and now I've got a reasonable wodge of cash that I didn't expect to get.

You know, it might just be the thing that inspires me to start saving, once I've paid off my debts. They have to come first. Actually maybe I'll just use the wodge of cash to pay off some more of them. That would be a bit more sensible.

This new cheaper lifestyle is like getting a massive raise and it should allow me to do things again, like go on holidays or take nice girls out for drinks. Is this downsizing? If so I love it.

Maybe I could turn into a vacuous feature for someone? People who are moving to cheaper digs to improve their lifestyle.

The move, well at least thinking about it.

2010-08-23T23:36:00.001-07:00

In less than a week I will be moved out of the cottage. EEK. I've done almost no packing, which is at least true to form. To be fair though, I've still not unpacked some things from when I first moved so it does balance out. I just move the bags around.

Hopefully this next move will be a short-term one. Just a little step on the hop back to London, or perhaps America. Anyone want any furniture? I've got tables and sofas and all the other things that people need. I think I'll just phone up the recycling man and get him to take it all away.

I need to cancel lots of direct debits too. It's annoying how signing up for a phone and things can be done in moments online or over the telephone but cancelling it requires letters and 28 days notice. That's just annoying, and slightly sharp business practice if you ask me.

Still it will be worth it. I'm looking forward to not paying £50 a month for water, which given that I shower at work and use about a kettles worth a day seems a bit much. I suppose that's the thing people never say about living on your own. It's all 'oh it's great walking around in your underpants (in the summer) and being able to watch what ever telly you like (that bit is good)' they don't mention the absolutely crippling bills, or vague sense of loneliness that makes you seriously consider cats.

A very good chum has moved to London and has spare rooms, or will have them soon. So the vague plan is to land a job in that London and live with him a bit. The house is quite remote, but I think living with him would be amazing. I'm really quite looking forward to it.

Made of Rar! Bad week, good week.

2010-08-15T02:45:00.000-07:00

Last week was a tricky one.

On Monday a bike got stolen while in my care. Arrgh etc. Just after getting my wheels back, for the first time in over a year allowed a bike over the weekend and BANG. It gets stolen. I was furious.

As you can imagine this rather messed up my week. I don't know if I'm going to be banned again because of the bike disappearing. On Thursday night I thought 'enough was enough'.

And so did something a bit bold. I emailed a publish with a pitch for a non-fiction book. Something to do with work. It was a fairly short email, focused if you will. I sent it across first thing in the morning.

Twenty minutes later I had a meeting arranged to go in and talk to the publisher about the idea. GET IN. I just need to tell my agent about this now, I hope he isn't upset.

Visits

2010-08-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

My brother his here visiting which is aces. It was a last minute thing so I couldn't get time off work which is less aces but the whole situation is still aces.

When I have guests it's one of the few times when having the cottage pays off, just about. I'm going to be so glad to be no-longer shackled to the vast bills of living here. I suppose I have learned an important lesson - living on your own is bloody expensive.

My brother brought some beans up with him. Lots and lots of beans. I'm not really sure what to do with them. Any ideas?

Days Marching by

2010-08-08T03:25:00.000-07:00

In the past week I've been to a great party in London, passed a riding assessment with flying colours, ridden about a dozen new bikes, flirted with more girls than I should and resolutely refused to ask for any of their numbers, gone out to local bars and had fun.

It's been really rather good. I mean surprisingly good. I still miss London desperately but work up here has been about as good as it can be in the last week or so. I'm still moving on, but this is definitely helping make the days march by.

I'm only in the cottage for a few more weeks now. It seems a bit sad, but any time I start to have regrets I just think about all the cash I'm going to save by moving out. Cash I can use to do fun stuff.

I'm going to get some new clothes too. I need a new waistcoat that fits and I'd like some new shirts too. I'm not sure what exactly, but I'll know when I see it. It will be a new beginning shirt.

Review

2010-07-30T23:34:00.001-07:00

I had my feedback review at work, or what-ever it is called. This one was a weirdly pleasant experience. Well pleasant in parts.

Given that I don't want to be working there anymore that allowed me a bit of freedom in what I said. So we went through the usual areas of things I could improve. Annoyingly writing came up again, which is annoying because I've not written anything in almost year.

I did point this out, and the point was conceeded. The other 'area for improvement' was on the production side of things. This I think comes down to a lack of explaining and communication. People want you to write plans down rather than juggle them in your head.

The big, and slightly shocking feedback is that one of the chaps I work for doesn't think I do anything. He has been acting weird ever since his engagement was announced, which might go to explaining this outburst.

I dealt with the issue, in my feedback but I sense a clash is coming up. Not as a counter attack or anything from me, but he is just getting so fiery towards everyone.

The big moment in the feedback session thing was when I told my boss that I wanted to move to London. I said the job wasn't going anywhere, and that I've lived in the wilderness for nearly two years and I don't have a single friend outside of work. I said I'd been talking to the London office about jobs.

He took it rather well I think, thanked me for my honesty and said he'd would also see if anything came up. I imagine at some point the editor will take me to the side and have a chat with me about it, but I'll just be honest too.

Thing is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the wilderness and while playing with motorbikes is fun, it isn't everything to me.

So yes, very productive feedback thingybob, I think, but I doubt it's over yet. I'm sure there will be aftershocks, but since the lease on the cottage over and I'll be moving back to tiny little gigs that cost nothing. Well if I got asked to leave I'd just contact a direct competitor and said 'Would you like to win the battle over the internet?'

I'd bet a bottle of gin that I could do it too.

Gym of death

2010-07-26T23:37:00.000-07:00

The gym mission continues. I'm starting to get a bit bored of it though. I think I need to move to a new gym, or find someone new to lust after.

Actually that's a bit of a weird one but I'm not really in the mood for girls at the moment. The last one wasn't awful or anything but I just can't see the appeal. That's a bit of a sign isn't it?

Anyway, I was in the gym yesterday doing my now traditional Monday spaz out. I'm usually a bundle of energy on Mondays so I have to go extra bananas to sort of use up that energy.

This took the form of the tread mill. Which I've not really used much. I put it on 14, which might be 14kph but might not. Either way it was a pretty solid gallop, not a jog by any means.

At 7 minutes I stopped and measured my heart rate which was 181bph, or just shy of a heart attack according to my chum the medic. I think this means I'm not allowed to run that fast for that period of time, or perhaps I need to work up to it first.

My heart rate dived afterwards, and I felt fine so I don't think I've killed myself or anything. Still it's quite exciting to reach the limit of something. On the plus side, and this is a mega plus my knee wasn't weird or anything. It's a bit tingly today but fine which is excellent.

I'll be spending all of today in a van in Wales which is less excellent so I suppose that shows that in everything there is balance.

Work tries harder

2010-07-23T00:11:00.000-07:00

Work has been surprisingly skill in the last week. Shockingly so. It's as if 'work' knows I'm planning to leave it and it's doing a last ditch attempt to keep things together. You know, fancy underwear, flowers etc.

The main example of this is tests. I work at a magazine based around a specific hobby and it's products. It's a big, hobby shared by quite a few chaps. Anyway. On the magazine we have a few people who are employed to test these products. They get flown around to hot countries to test new things and are constantly sent new things to test. It's amazing the life style they lead. I think only A grade rock stars get treated better. They still moan about how hard things are for them.

Anyway, sometimes they need other people to help test these things. Which means a day out of the office doing the hobby and having a nice time. I've never been invited on one of these tests, but I've helped film one or two.

On Monday I was selected to take part in a three-part mega test which will be inspired by a well known TV show lets call it Highest Ratio. This TV show features three chaps who are into a method of transport messing about and completing challenges.

I'm going to be working on a three part feature like that, which will also be filmed. Two senior testers are involved and they want japes and misadventure. I'm a bit nervous, just because I've always stayed behind the camera in the past because I'm a bit too posh for our beloved readers.

This could be a bit of a turning point, it will give me a great portfolio piece and for the first time in about five years an up to date show reel.

Blimey eh?

Endings

2010-07-19T12:20:00.001-07:00

My time in the cottage is nearly over, and hopefully by extension my time in the wilderness. Hurrah.

Slightly less hurrah is the break-up of the thing with the hat. It was the right thing to do for a whole range of reasons. I won't go into them but the fact there was a range of reasons is fairly telling. Ho-hum.

I'm going to be single for a bit. It's a life choice, no really it is. Okay I'll list some reasons why things ended.

* She told boring stories
* She hated The Flight of the Conchords
* She didn't like my suits
* Or my fancy underpants
* She wanted me to call her a few times every day
* We spent some time apart and I was perfectly happy.

So there you go.

George Orwell's haircut

2010-07-04T03:03:00.000-07:00

I've got a new haircut. I LOVE IT. it's a sort of 1930s haircut, short back and sides but messy on top. It's great. George Orwell would approve.

I can't remember that last time I was so pleased with a trim. To add to the fun, if I apply a bit of Brill Cream I can sport a proper Chap Magazine approved hairstyle. Ding dong.

Speaking of hairdressers. Has anyone noticed that the can have a wealth of nicknames that make them sound so dangerous? For example:

'Oooh who is your stylist? That look is fabulous?'

Can become

'Nice barnet, who is your scissorman?' Or my personal favourite 'I like the new look, who is your cutter?'

It makes it sound a bit Guy Richie.

I celebrated the new haircut by going and buying some new fancy pants and another tight t-shirt. They are my new weakness. I've still got to shift a few more pounds, which isn't helped by me needing a near constant supply of chocolate while I write, but still. I'll just hit the gym harder next week.

I've also been playing around with vegatables a lot. Not in a sexy way, but with my new grill machine. Courgettes are amazing grilled. So good that when you eat them you have to do a little dance. I eat them a lot now.

The cottage is far more pleasant in the summer. You can forgive it a lot more. I'll be almost sad to see the back of it now. Although not so sad to see the back of the garden. The hedges needs more attention than my girlfriend. Also concrete is no replacement for grass. I don't think anyone would consider and afternoon lounging around on the concrete with the Sunday papers.

Hay dogs

2010-06-21T01:08:00.001-07:00

It's hay making season and unfortunately I've managed to be in the countryside at the same time. Luckily it was only 190 hay bales that needed to be picked up from a field, loaded onto a trailer, taken off the trailer and place into a barn.

I hate hay baling. It's heavy manual labour, I've done it for years and yet I've never been paid. Oh the joys of growing up on a tiny farm. A tiny farm that still isn't mechanised really.

It's been restful, slightly more tense because my brother has his exams, I have to work on a re-write of the book and my mother is talking about breaking up with her live-in boyfriend.

I can manage but only with the help of gin.

Holibobs

2010-06-18T01:59:00.000-07:00

I'm on holiday at the moment. I've returned to the ancestral hall which means I'm spending my days being glared at by geese and holding ducklings. I love how angry geese are. It's like they are made of rage. The five geese are currently engaged in a territorial battle with the drake. The outnumber the drake and are larger than him but he just won't give up. It's terribly impressive and the resulting battles have carpeted the gardens with a thick layer of feathers.

The weather here is amazing. Not roasting hot but sunny and warm. Ideal for walks and eating cucumber sandwiches. I've not done the latter yet but perhaps today is the day.

Mostly I've been running. I hate running. I really, really hate running but there is nothing like it for getting a chap into shape and I've been forcing my brother to do it too so it seemed only fair for me to stumble out into the fields with him and wheeze away. It's been a very healthy break so far and I'm feeling very relaxed.

I've made a point of not checking my work emails which is a first for me. Also having a smashed up phone means that work just can't get hold of me. That is very relaxing. It also means I have time to write, or at least that is the plan.

Instead I've been cleaning and fixing things. Not 'fixing' like the phone was 'fixed' although trying to sort that out is part of the mission.

I should be writing now but instead I'm messing around on the Interspaz. Some things never change.

Lost without Phone

2010-06-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

Dear all. I am in London. I am sat in a warm office in Soho. I'm drinking Gin. In short I'm in my spiritual home. I'm only here for a weekend visit but it is lovely all the same. I'm sneaking down most weekends to see the girl (things still going well) and for various work reasons.

I'm dressed unusually. A work mate said I look like a 'Jewish Action Man, a gay one'. I think I can rock that look, but it is a sign I need a haircut, and possibly some new trousers.

London is melting slightly, which I rather like. It's terribly good to be back.

I also destroyed my iPhone today while trying to fix it. It had a cracked screen which I managed to fix but at the cost of breaking the special button and the sound. So it's not really a working phone anymore. This is quite exciting, it means you can't contact people while moving and you have to arrange to meet people at VERY SPECIFIC TIMES.

I'm sure it will annoy me in the end but for now it's an adventure.

London and motorbikes

2010-05-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

Last weekend was eventful. I had a bike for the weekend so I went down to London to catch up with old friends.

I'm sure I've spouted on about it before but riding a bike in London is something that might make you believe in a higher power. Riding a car in London is stressful because it's too busy and everyone is so aggressive but a motorbike is entirely different.

Motorbikes are slim so you can squeeze through spaces that a car can only dream of fitting through. Filtering means you can overtake almost anywhere and motorbikes can accellerate really fast, you will always get away from the lights first.

London is especially good because it's not really planned so the streets are all wiggly and strange. It is great fun to ride. I can happily spend whole days whizzing from one side to the other.

I was riding to see a chum on Sunday when an old lady dropped her handbag when leaving church. She hadn't noticed, so I pulled over to let her know and then stopped the traffic so I could get it for her from the road. This got me a nod from a policeman and made me feel like Batman.

On the way back from visiting this chum I stopped to see another chum and parked the bike up in a street. Some kids were watching and seemed a bit interested in the bike so I got a bit paranoid. I was only at my chum's place for about 5 or ten minutes but I kept looking out of the window to check on the bike. This was the right thing to do as I saw someone fiddling with it. The little git was trying to steal it.

We shouted from the window and they ran off but they had cut some wires so I was stranded in London with a broken bike. I let work know but got stupidly stressed about it all the same - I've only just been allowed to ride bikes again and I really didn't want to get told I couldn't anymore.

It turned out okay at work, I mean I did stop a bike being stolen. That's the thing to focus on. Still I got stupidly stressed about it all and had a massive head-ache all afternoon, so much so that I went and got some painkillers.

I really need a new job.

Bodyweight Strength Training

2010-05-10T22:57:00.000-07:00

I've been learning about Bodyweight Strength Training. Which is sort of like super manly yoga, in your pants.

I stumbled across it on Metafilter and now I'm going to try and do it. It's supposed to take months to build up your strength but I am very taken with the idea of being able to do single-hand handstands. That's a stupid goal to aim for, perfect.

I've also been applying for more jobs. No joy yet, but I think it's like dating website. You have to apply to lots before you find something really special.

Back in the saddle

2010-04-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

Riding motorcycles is fucking scary. No seriously, they are weird and wrong.

I was all wobbly and inelegant, everyone was out to kill me and it all felt very unsafe.

I stopped for petrol and had a word with myself saying things like 'you love this' and 'this is the reason you got this job'.

After that things got a bit better, and over a long weekend of riding I got mostly back to where I was before. I say mostly because I can spot areas that I'm still not riding very well.

It was a nice return to riding, and it was also nice being able to ride down to London to see the girl. I handed the bike back after a weekend of riding. I'd covered about 550 miles which is pretty good going and it didn't have a scratch on it.

I think we will mark that one down as a win.

The joy of packing

2010-04-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it but I really, really enjoy packing. Moving house is a nightmare but I love packing for adventures.

Today is a good example. I have to pack three seperate items.

1) Gym bag for three visits to the gym
2) Weekend bag, that will keep me presentable until Monday
3) Overnight bag for today, with a laptop and champagne

The gymbag will live at work so that is the easy one. Although I'm going to the gym today. So I need to put at least one days worth of sexy pants in that, for the date tonight.

The weekend bag is tricky. I've got a work event so I need to wear a range of styles of clothing and then I'll be in London so that's a different dress code. I need the absolute minimum because, as ever, space is limited. I'll be presenting awards, hanging around with the 'salt of the earth' and walking a beagle. So yes, quite a range.

It's like a complicated logic puzzle of clothes and I love it.

The spaz rides again.

2010-04-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be a big day. Not because it means pay-day is less than a week away but because I will ride a motorbike for the first time since the crash about seven months ago.

I've had to get a new helmet since the last one is now being used as presentation aid of what happens when you crash. The company who made it are delighted that it worked so well. The new helmet is white (nice and visible), I used to only wear silver helmets but it's time for a change.

I'm excited to get back on a bike but also a bit nervous, my last ride was well eventful and it's taken about six months before I can kneel again. I doubt the circulation in my foot will ever fully recover. I'm not dead though, and I can walk and run nd things. let's focus on the important stuff.

I've only got the bike for a few days - I'm being loaned it to ride to a work thing, so this is a test really, and a blessing. A blessing because having suddenly increased mobility means I can whizz down to London to see the girl. The girl that things are going very well with.

So well that I'm going to see her on the weekend too. Blimey, that's like a few days in a row. What ever next?

In which Louche and his possy win an award.

2010-04-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

I won, well my team and I won. So that's good. We deserved it.

The awards were fun, they looked and acted like the awards off the telly but with terrible presenters (The MD and some head of digital lady) and far more drunken tomfoolery.

For a while it looked like we weren't going to get any awards, we didn't even get nominated for some catagories. People started getting a bit fighty and then we won some stuff and it calmed down a bit.

I got drunk, made some good contacts in the London office and danced. Chuck came over and talked to me which was a bit awkward but I managed get involved in an arm-wresting contest with a co-worker and she went away. Phew.

We nearly got stranded in London - the coach back tried to leave without us. But the Hat had already said I could stay at her place if I wanted.

It was a terribly kind offer, which I wanted to take up but I thought I should really hang around with my award winning team. You know celebrate with the darling little nerds.

Which one is suitable?

2010-04-11T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm applying for more jobs now. I'm going to try and apply for at least one a day. The company awards are on Thursday, and I'm going to use them to chat to loads of London people and pimp myself out.

I need to think carefully about what to wear. I have my trusty pinstripe suit. It's brilliantly cut, has served me well and gets compliments.

Or I could dig out the lilac suit, it's a bit mad so people won't forget me, but well it's quite loud. I suppose I shouldn't buy loud suits if I'm not going to wear them. It's a tricky one.

The Lilac suit will cause a scene (if I still fit into it) but will it make people think 'gosh I need to give that chap a job'?

Also I'm not sure how I'm going to get home from the awards either. There is a coach back to work, but then I'll have to get back to the Wilderness.

If I'm going to be stuck in the middle of no-where I think I'd prefer to be in a faintly normal suit, although in hindsight stumbling around the countryside at 3am dressed as a dandy makes a better story.

Job Fail

2010-04-07T10:22:00.001-07:00

I didn't get the job, I didn't even get an interview for the job. Bah humbug.

Can't give up though. I must be resolute, I must get a job in London and that's just that. No turning back. V. annoying though. This job would have been terribly convenient, and probably good fun. Bah again.

Right, back to the hunt.

Waiting and running

2010-04-05T01:05:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is the closing date for applications for the job. I'm rather excited, even though I know it's decidedly dangerous to get too excited about these sort of things.

I can't help but day dream about life in London again, a life where I bump into chums in the street and people call up and say 'I've got a spare ticket to X, fancy coming along tonight?'

I miss meeting friends for lunch but most of all I miss the seasons of London. Not just the different times of year, but the different times of day.

The white heat of post-work Soho, to the eery silence of early morning Knightsbridge. Lazy lunch times in Hampstead and even the frantic bustle of Picadilly.

These used to be part of my day, I could go and see facinating art, or stare at dinosaurs for free, and walk there and back. Many bizarre adventures to strange parts of London were undertaken with the warming comfort that if it all went wrong I could just walk home.

I once got lost in the city after drinking with a strange mixture of people and had to use the river to navigate. I found it, got on the North side and then bimbled my way home.

To some people that would sound like a nightmare, but to me it's now a fond memory.

I really home I get this job.

The joy of drains (no really)

2010-03-26T00:31:00.000-07:00

I just spent three hours unblocking the drains. They aren't perfect but they work now. I know absolutely nothing about drains so the first hour was spent timidly poking things with a stick.

Then I started taking the drain covers off, each progressively more disgusting than the last. By the time I got to the third cover, at the end of the garden I was feeling rather lost. The poking wasn't working and I was thinking about calling for someone who actually knew what they were doing.

Then the miracle happened, the drains sort of went 'bloop' and they started, well, draining and this caused a chain reaction. It was excellent. All sorts of vaguely disgusting things started moving around and disappearing.

I like it when you try and do something you don't know how to do and then after a good amount of challenge you beat it.

I think I'll check in on the drains again tomorrow, and hopefully if I have another shower I'll stop smelling quite so bad - which would be nice because I feel well macho and I am tempted to go out boozing to impress girls with my rudimentary maintenance skills.

Yikes

2010-03-24T00:04:00.000-07:00

A great job has just appeared. A job that would be almost perfect for me. Well perfect actually but you know what I mean, it's in LONDON and everything.

So now I must frantically work my C.V. and update all those dull statements. Also I need to write a covering letter to make someone laugh. Argh, etc.

I should probably work on that then, instead of messing around on here. But you know how it is, you have something important and hard to do and so you spend ages moving chairs around and writing on blogs.

Recipe: Louche Potatoes

2010-03-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

A snack for people who are too busy to sit down for a proper meal, or the Earl of Sandwich types who want a sandwich style snack without using bread.

Step 1: Take a reasonably large potato. Microwave it until it is cooked.

Step 2: Cut a slit in the top and push some nice cheese inside, as much cheese as you like. Add some Worcestershire sauce if you like. More than one slit can be cut and cheesed but try not to make the potato fall to pieces.

Step 3: Leave for a moment so the cheese melts and the potato calls enough for you to hold with your fingers.

Step 4: Eat.

House spaz

2010-03-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

I need a housemate. I am shocked by how expensive living on your own is. The rent on the cottage is very reasonable, a steal by London standards, but it's all the extra stuff that is crippling. My council tax is vast and relentless add to this water (also huge) and I'm basically spent. It's a godsend that my energy usage is minimal.

It makes one wonder what the point of working is? When the bar to supporting yourself is so high. I suppose it's taught me that living on your own is far more expensive then you think and you should really do some sums before considering it.

Instead I had a sort of knee-jerk reaction to a relationship falling to pieces that I thought I could repair with a cottage. It didn't work and now this admittedly very pleasant house is a huge weight around my neck.

What a spaz I am

Becoming Zoolander

2010-03-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

My jeans are now so loose that I can slip them off without undoing them. I've only just noticed this. I'm hoping this will perhaps save my life if my trousers catch on fire while I'm wearing mittens.

Mostly it just makes it looks like I've just inherited my big brother's trousers and I'm hoping to grow in to them.

I should point out that I'm not wasting away or anything like that. Quite the opposite. One thing I have become is more complicated to draw. What was a slightly doughy shape now has definition and lines to it. It's very compelling to slowly turn into an anatomical diagram of muscle groups.

I'm looking forward to showing my 'project' to the girl I'm sort of seeing. I say sort of there have been dates, with more on the cards. Not quite 'dating' but potentially the beginning of something. I'd be seeing her far more often but being in different counties rather makes things more complicated, not to mention expensive.

to try and resolve the situation I spoke to an editor in London about jobs but sadly there was nothing suitable, this will be the first of many enquiries. I've decided every day I have to do something job related, as in find another job in London.

I am done with the wilderness and it is time to return to my beloved city.

Tough Tuesday

2010-03-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

That's what yesterday will be known as from now on. In one day I was denied a raise, not give a motorbike (when everyone else in the office got one) and found out I wasn't getting a travel assignment I'd previously been told I was getting.

So yes, I understand all of these things are perks and one should be glad of what you have but still, it stings.

I knew I wasn't going to be getting a bike, due to the work ban so that's the least surprising one. Think of it as a little angsty cherry on top of the cake of woe.

The raise is annoying. I did ask my direct boss, how my job could have gone any better? I've massively exceeded every possible target and even though it's not a part of my job, I'm bringing in extra cash to the company, quite a considerable amount. These are all the reasons why I'm being put forward for an award. Gah.

The travel trip would have been lovely and the person charge of it had previously emailed me to say I was 'top of the queue' for the trip.

All in one day! Gah! It's as if you devised the perfect storm to make me update my C.V. then this was it.

I suppose today can't be any worse, that's a plus right?

Moob pride

2010-03-10T23:05:00.000-08:00

I've got norks. Get in.

Yup I've grown man-breasts. I can't wait to tart them about. I'm totally going to let some girl feel them up behind the bike sheds if she buys me a can of cider or some penny chews and tells me I have nice eyes.

I was going to try and just hit at my new norks with perhaps some low-cut t-shirts but that's too classy for me. I'm a man nork slut.

I could justify wearing a bra now, probably. Well, I could justify wearing a bra if they made man bras for pecks. I bet they do on the interspaz but for now I think I'll stay natural and stuff. Operation Hollywood Tits is a success.

Operation six pack is going okay too. In the right light I have one but I need more work before I can become a stand-in for JLS.

I also need to eat less chocolate but I'm addicted to the stuff. Why is that? < SEXIST JOKE > Is that because of the norks? < / SEXIST JOKE>. Either way I just have to have some of the stuff at least once a day.

I would totally flash my man-melons for chocolate.

Norks!

Bleh

2010-03-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

I have been ill. Nothing fatal, just man flu. It saps the soul a bit though and is boring. So very boring. Also when you ill alone it just means your house gets messy.

Sadly the NHS doesn't extend to having someone deliver chicken soup to your house. It really should though. That would have definitely helped.

Aside from being ill there isn't mcuh to report really, oh I finished the third draft of the book and sent it off to my agent so that's something I suppose. I'll hear in a bit if it made the grade or not. The nice thing about having it with him is that for the first time in ages I don't have a feeling that I should be doing homework. That's nice.

It's only a few weeks till the company awards now. I've been put up for one - I'm not sure if I'm a finalist yet or anything but I'm going to hang around till that is over. I am looking at other jobs but I won't make any moves until I find out if I get the award. It would look good on the C.V.

London, reprise.

2010-03-02T23:00:00.000-08:00

London was good again. Not excellent but definitely good. I went out far too much again. I just can't resist it. The fact that London is packed with interesting strangers I've not met yet is just so hard to say no to.

I think I had about 5 hours of sleep over the whole weekend. I caught up with some old chums (but not enough) and I had a date or two. The latter events were rather confusing. (A date that was a bit anodyne and a 'just be friends' who was acting weird)

I'm not good at reading if a girl is in to me or not and so if a date doesn't end with a girl either telling me to never call her again or demanding I take her to bed I'm at a loss.

I'm sure it will resolve itself in time, these things usually do. Until then I'll concentrate on work and the gym. At the moment I'm working on macho-moobs (going well) and a sixpack.

Sixpacks are extremely hard work, stomach muscles take ages to build up. Also it's very easy to do sit-ups wrong and have almost no effect. I was told by the gym chap that if you can do more than 20 sit-ups in a row you are doing it wrong. He has shown me how to do them correctly and after about ten I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I'm making progress though, and that's all I need really. Just enough progress to keep me interested. I've still not got the hang of learning when to stop in the gym, yesterday I ruined myself again by trying to do two whole cardio routines in a row.

Note to self: don't do that.

The quest for Hollywood tits

2010-02-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

It's only a day till pay day. Hurrah for pay, and days with pay in them!

In other news I'm actually really enjoying work at the moment. I don't know why but that week off really refreshed me and so I'm going at it like a trooper at the moment. This hasn't actually had any effect, it's more like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with gusto rather then vague disinterest.

The only other thing of note to happen yesterday is that I briefly wore a t-shirt in public (post gym) and a workmate said I looked like a pugilist. So I suppose that's a sign, I've now reached the point that if I wear anything even vaguely skimpy people comment on my figure. So there you go, it takes about 3 months and you have to eat differently. That's been the biggest surprise that food makes such a difference. Not more, not less, just better.

The next step in the gym plan is 'Hollywood tits' this ridiculous pectorals that you see in films. I want to see if I can grow some of them. It's like gardening but with your own body.

Gym member of the month

2010-02-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

Yes I finally did it. I am gym member of the month. I was 5 days clear of my nearest competitor, the LOSER*

I think this is another sign that I'm turning into a gym bunny. Anyway seeing I was member of the month I decided to do a post-week off work out. It was a hardcore one because after a week of not working out I had loads of energy. Also since I was member of the month I had to show the lesser mortals in the gym how things were done.

To add to the fun the air conditioning was broken.

And so I worked out so hard that I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening feeling really quite sick. So sick that I had to give myself a bit of a talking to. I was about to fall asleep but I'd promised a girl that I'd call her to arrange a second date. The talking to worked and so that was sorted out *phew*.

Morale of the story, when you are starting to flag at the end of the work out stop and think 'okay time to calm down' instead of thinking 'FEEL THE BURN COME ON YOU CAN DO ANOTHER TWENTY MINUTES'. Or put another way, I am a spaz.

I went to the gym again today but took it easy (for me) and instead feel rather marvellous this evening. A big improvement I feel.

I'm going to celebrate by not eating brown rice. Good times.

*who probably has a social life.

The Office

2010-02-21T23:23:00.001-08:00

I now have an office. It's because I have to finish this book soon. Have to. I will finish it if it kills me.

Through experience I have learned that writing means cleaning. When I have something difficult to write I clean a lot to put off doing it for a while.

I used this pro-actively by moving my laptop into the small spare bedroom. This room is where I put mess, mess and motorcycle gear. So it's in a bit of a state. Or at least it was. I started writing, and it went well. Every time I was stuck on something I did a little bit of cleaning and organising. I found so many lost things it was like I'd been shopping.

The room is now mostly organised. There are still a few more things to sort out but it looks much better. I think I'll do some more writing in it again tonight to finish off the cleaning.

I'm gearing up on the book writing even more now, I've covered a wall in post-it notes with various plot-holes, questions that need to be answered and a whole column that is just 'need more'.

The only slight problem is that I've constructed this installation downstairs and my new 'office' is upstairs. Oh bum.

I think I'll leave it downstairs though, so it's in my face and not hidden away in a room. I can't put it off any longer, I have to finish it. MUST MUST MUST. Yes, I've entered the madness stage of a writing project, so it was a week off well spent.

Chat Roulette, a review

2010-02-20T00:08:00.001-08:00

I thought I'd have a go on ChatRoulette since people kept tweeting about it. I went on it and saw a lot of winkies. I mean really quite a lot of winkies.

Old winkies, small winkies, dark winkies. I got rejected by stranger's winky. So that's a new experience. You are randomly paired up with people and then if they don't look like fun you press F9 to get a new person. It seems that if you let the world communicate with each other at random what you will see is a lot of wink wonks.

I only managed one brief actual conversation with someone, who said they were 'inteviewing for a paper'. They didn't show me their winky and for a tiny moment I sort of saw what the website was supposed to be about, random people talking about things via video chat. Then I saw some more winkies.

The users of Chat Roulette seem to fall into a few groups

1) A disembodied winky being touched. Or a close up of some awful underpants, which I assume contain a winky.

2) Lone man, badly lit probably with a beard and a hat on. He is probably thinking about showing you his winky.

3) A group of giggling girls who will demand to see your winky.

That's it really.

Snow walks

2010-02-18T00:44:00.000-08:00

Walking is good, walking in the snow is pleasingly dramatic to say the least. We were technically lost a few times. I say technically, I was pretty sure where we were but since we couldn't see very far it was based on a gut feeling rather than anything else.

I don't think I've been on a snowy walk before but I'd definitely recommend it. It was pretty exhausting. I also got to really test my 'high performance walking coat' I got one in a sale, it's like no other coat I've ever owned. It's made of light, strange fabrics and looks terribly modern. I find it pleasingly focused. It worked well and I definitely looked the part while stomping around the hills. I like the pouch in the front, more clothes should have a pouch

Afterwards we went to Waitrose (it was on the way back) and bought cake to eat when we got home. We had a soup waiting for us, yes you can make excellent soup in the slow cooker. Who would have thought? I'm going to have to do that more often.

Post soup we ate cake with hot chocolate and looked out of the window at the increasing drifts of snow. It's still snowing hard, if it keeps it up my brother will be unable to go home. Hurrah!

Booze drought

2010-02-16T00:55:00.001-08:00

We have run out of booze. For someone who never drinks on his own, having my brother around has completely switched my attitude to boozing in the evenings. I'm not sure what we are going to drink tonight, we only have novelity drinks left, you know the sort that you only buy as a joke. Dark times indeed.

I'm trying to do some writing today, which means I've already put the bins out, cleaned the front room and think I'll do the washing-up next. I have to put more gloss on the children's book, well it's a bit beyond gloss. It needs a fresh coat of paint, and a bit of bodywork done, and perhaps a new engine.

My mother read it and said it was 35% there. 35% is a bit lower than I would have hoped, still I suppose that is 35%. So a third of the way there, so I will continue the slog, or at least I will after I've done the washing up.

Walking with family

2010-02-15T00:49:00.000-08:00

We are on day three of the brother visit. It's going well, we get on brilliantly so it's not really a challenge by any stretch of the imagination. I think the only challenge is doing things, whole days can go by messing around on computers or reading books without even realising. So to counter this we are going on long walks, yesterday we had a two hour stroll that absolutely exhausted us afterwards.

I like that feeling of mild exhaustion, it helps a chap sleep at night. Also any activity where you end up with muddy trousers afterwards is definitely to be approved of.

I'm trying to do some writing too while he is here (so he can moan at me if it's not done) but we shall see how that goes. Still it's lovely having him here. He used to go to our fathers every half term so I think it's important for him to be able to have roughly the same experience, just with fewer goats and less awkward conversation with second wives.

Grown-up tea

2010-02-12T23:59:00.000-08:00

My brother is visiting, I know that eternially he will be my 'little brother' but he is almost as tall as me now and in the evenings we drink beer together. I suppose that is the nature of things, in my head he will always be about 7 and want to play with lego.

This hasn't actually changed really. I still think if I had some lego we would definitely be playing with it. As we don't we are up playing computer games and having a breakfast composed almost entirely of chocolate.

I am using the teapot though, which always makes me feel grown up so it balance it's probably quite a mature meal.

If we hold the stationary cupboard, we hold the office

2010-02-11T23:36:00.000-08:00

There is a coup at work brewing. The top chap is fine, but one of his lieutenants is a berk. Historically he has been a harmless berk but when something didn't go well he blamed it on the team.

The thing was so bad that the top chap came down to gave the leaders of the team a good telling off. After quite a big verbal bashing the team leaders eventually said 'hold on a minute, he told us to do that'

That was day before yesterday. Yesterday there were a few frantic meetings, with the berk storming about trying to find out who said those things. I'm only getting snippets of this but it's quite gripping.

It should be said that this berk has always been a berk, and he has no real skills but nothing seems to stick to him. There are a few people in the company like this, ones that amaze you that they are still employed.

Puppies and ghosts

2010-02-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

Doing well in gym is a weird experience for me. I wasn't that sporty at school, not in the traditional sense. I used to sail a lot outside of school but that's not really football is it? So I never really had a P.E. teacher going 'well done' at me.

Which makes this sort of mid-life crisis towards fitness all the more strange. I spend a lot of time talking to the gym chap about how I can improve my times and things and then like a puppy getting a reward I get praise for beating my targets again. For some reason I find this terribly compelling, even when praise for my professional work makes me cringe.

So what is that all about? Or is it one of those things one shouldn't question too hard.

It was another day of rowing practice, this time I managed 7.10 so an improvement, but I could have done better. I ran out of steam towards the end and then my technique went all wonky. I was on course for a sub 7 minute time before then.

Also I pushed myself so hard I felt a bit weird for the rest of the day, which is against the point of going to the gym in the first place. I go to the gym to feel excellent, not like a ghost with a hangover.

Rowing to ruin

2010-02-08T23:11:00.000-08:00

The car is gone. Hurrah. I spent a whole evening trying to find the keys but I couldn't. I also never managed to get hold of the document to prove I owned it. Even worse, I also didn't manage to be around when the scrap man turned up.

So that means a car disappeared, a car that I had absolutely no proof I owned. Just gone. All they had was my mobile phone number. This opens up all sorts of opportunities for revenge towards bad people with cars.

I don't really know anyone with a car who I want to get revenge on that badly but it's something to consider for the future.

In gym news I began the rowing challenge. 2000m in the shortest time ever. I managed 7.15 in my second attempt, which if I were a woman, would put me at the level of representing Great Britain.

I've got to knock another minute off that time if I want to get even close to where the Olympic chaps are but I think for my second attempt at doing it ever, it was a very respectable time. I have awful rowing technique, so there is definite room for improvement there.

Last night I watched 'The Age of Stupid' a film about climate change, it was cheesy and slightly hackneyed in parts but it scared me witless so I suppose it had the desired effect. It's a film about climate change, made up from documentary footage taken today. This doesn't sound terribly gripping but it gets across the point that a dystopian future isn't science fiction.

It made me very glad I don't own a car.

Bye bye car

2010-02-07T23:02:00.001-08:00

Today the car goes. It's been broken for a while but today it should disappear. I say should because I can't find the bloody keys. I've waited so long to get rid of it because I have also been waiting for the documentation and it's never arrived.

So yes, this is going to involve some sweet talking to get the chap to take it away. I hope I can manage it. I mean, it's not anything criminal I'm asking him to do, I think, or I hope.

Also I've decided I don't want to cycle to Spain but I'm not sure how to get out of it. I think the problem is that it would end up being a very, very expensive holiday and if I was going to spend that much money on a week long break it would be to go somewhere pretty amazing.

I'm not sure how to get out of it though. And yes, I admit this might be connected to Lycra's behavoir, but if I decided to do it because I like her then it seems okay to chose not to because I don't so much anymore.

10 Lessons learned this weekend

2010-02-07T02:47:00.000-08:00

1) Never enter a quiz about a sports subject when the other team in the quiz is made of people who are WORLD CHAMPIONS of that sport. Not knowing about the subject but actually doing it. You will lose.

2) Apparently going on lots of dates with girls makes you HOT to other girls. So people like Lycra say 'can we go on a date sometime?'

3) If you have run out of money to get home, it is possible to barter with cab drivers.

4) It is possible to have lots of dates in an evening, but it does mean you spend rather too much time thinking about clocks when you should be gazing into their eyes lovingly.

5) If a girl at then end of the date asks you when you are next in London, this might be a clue that she would like to see you again. If you don't pick up on this until you are on the train home you are a spaz. A Spaz like Louche.

6) If Lycra asks you for a date, don't get too excited because the next day she may say 'she needs a few months before she is ready to date'.

7) The way to cure the bafflement over this is to ask out the nice girl from the night before for another date.

8) This is extra cool if you realise that Lycra and the other girl (known as 'The Hat' from now on) are walking down the same street as you call them, only meters apart.

9) If you go out in a public place in a tight t-shirt after months of working out, strange women will come up to you and squeeze your arms. This requires a set of social skills that I'm not equipped with, yet.

10) Don't start a list of ten lessons learned when you haven't thought of all ten.

Operation T-shirt

2010-02-03T23:28:00.000-08:00

I did it. I burned 1000 calories in less than 30 minutes, and afterwards I was fine. A bit tired, okay very tired but I didn't feel sick or anything. This mean the hunt for the T-shirt is on. I'm not sure where I'm going to find it but by jove I'm going to look for it.

Operation T-shirt is go, although judging by the photo I'm going to need to do some more work on my arms to really carry it off.

Lycra has told the chap to bugger off, after my chum the art dealer gave her a good talking to. The art dealer was someones mistress for five years so she was able to speak from experience about this sort of thing. It seemed to have the desired effect. I'm still unsure about Lycra, but this is positive.

John-Paul and terrible women

2010-02-02T11:48:00.000-08:00

I want to burn 1000 calories in 30 minutes this week. I managed 900 in 26 minutes on Tuesday so I think I'm on my way there. The gym chap said this was about what Arctic explorers would burn so that was interesting.

If I manage to hit the target I'm going to celebrate by buying a stripey top like the sort you see in John-Paul Gaultier adverts.

Most of my wardrobe doesn't fit anymore so I'm searching for a new look, I don't think 'camp sailor' is going to be a big part of it but for some reason I really, really want a top like that.

It's slightly troubling.

Oh and Lycra is taking the chap back, and with one stroke has removed herself from the list of people I admire. The chap said he was going to fly over to see her (dramatic) but missed his flight (less dramatic) so they spoke on the phone (lame).

During this phone conversation he said two things
1) That he had already moved into an apartment
2) If Lyrca split up his family he would destroy her.

Now these two seem mutually exclusive to me, but it seems Lycra can't see that. The problem is there is a whole section of women who seem unable to be happy and beat themselves up running after utter shits like this chap, and I've had more than my fill of them already.

People like that definitely don't deserve to see me poncing about in my new t-shirt.

Men are shits

2010-02-01T12:38:00.001-08:00

I had a frantic phone call this morning from my chum the Art Dealer. Lycra had discovered that her chap was in fact married with two children. She found this out through Facebook.

Not the fact that she saw a picture of him WEARING a wedding ring with two kids. No he managed to talk that away with 'oh sometimes I just wear a ring for fun'.

It was when Lycra contacted a mutual friend and said 'sorry if this sounds mad but is X seeing someone?' the person called back and said he was married.

The shit. What makes it worse are the following two facts

1) When he was with her he was constantly talking about their future and how they were going to get married

2) Once found out he has threatened her with 'mercenaries' if she tells anyone about the affair.

I mean seriously, is there any need for this behaviour?

'Lets be friends, redux'

2010-01-31T12:33:00.000-08:00

What a weekend. Not seriously, what a weekend. Why can't ever weekend be like that? I mean I'd be dead in months but my corpse would be smiling.

It started quite late, I got a haircut (good haircut, annoying hairdresser) chucked some clothes into my beautiful luggage and put on some very smart shoes. I was going to wear my waistcoat but I discovered that it doesn't fit anymore. I've put on too much chest muscle and now I can't put on my favourite item of clothing anymore. This caused quite a bit of swearing.

After a frantic last minute wardrobe re-think I stomped down to the train (in new shoes) with 30 seconds to spare. Some time later I arrived in London, met up with Ben and then jumped onto the tube.

Lycra was on good form and we had a very pleasant meal while drinking too much plum wine. There was laughter, truth and a some interesting statements. Lycra has a chap at the moment who is clearly messing her around and I suspect, married. More on this later. Anyway it was a nice meal, and then we joined some chums at the bar.

Lycra stayed only for one drink but had time to meet Pencil Skirt. Yes, the two objects of my unrequited love met briefly.

In the bar was Piqued, his lady friend and even Ra-ra appeared. It was marvellous. A bar full of my favourite people. London is so marvellous. We talked, laughed, said things we shouldn't have an basically had a grand old time.

I've come to accept that things with Pencil skirt are never going to be anything but friends and so I relaxed into the evening of laughter. She was impressed by my new shape though, as was Ra-ra, and suddenly all those hours in the gym seemed worth while.

Some people left, others arrived and I before I realised what was going on it was 2am and the bar was kicking us out. Oh, and one other thing. Pencil skirt and I kissed. I'm not sure how it happend, but it definitely happened and I'm still in shock.

What is going on? Are we know friends who kiss?

Dialogue from the office

2010-01-30T00:53:00.001-08:00

Here is some dialogue from lunch time. One of the chaps from marketing had just waltzed past.

M (Best chum at work) - 'What do you think of GB?'

L - 'I can't stand him. He is a heady combination of smug and useless'

M - 'I hate him more'

L - 'Would you pee on him if he was on fire?'

M - 'No'

L - 'What about in the eyes? That probably wouldn't put the fire out'

M - 'Yes, I'd pee in his eyes if he was on fire'

L - 'You've got a meeting with him later haven't you?'

M - 'Yes'

L - 'Better drink some more water'

Hurrah for pay day

2010-01-27T22:59:00.001-08:00

I have money! For a few brief seconds I am a man of means! Rejoice! Buy coats I don't need! Invest in champagne! Live!

And then blow most of it on council tax, rent and various other bills.

This weekend I'm faced with a choice. I could either spend a normal weekend, working away doing quiet things in a way to try not to spend too much cash. Or I could go down to London, have some misadventures with Ben and probably spend far too much cash so I have to live off cold rocks for the next 30 days.

After much umming and aaahing I decided that I NEED to go out and see people and so well, after getting a much needed haircut I'm going to go to London to have lunch with Lycra, see a film with Pencil skirt and go on no less than TWO dates.

I'm sure cold rocks are pretty tasty provided you've got some nice sauce to go with them. Note to self, buy tasty sauce before money runs out.

Late night calls to pencil skirts

2010-01-26T23:41:00.000-08:00

I stayed up very late last night. Pencil skirt had sent me a book and after I'd finished it we discussed it on the telephone. I don't talk on the telephone for long usually, on my bills I typically use about four or five minutes a month and that is it. I spoke to Pencil skirt for two hours about the book, films and relationships.

She is so spellbindingly engaging. It's slightly infuriating that any date I go on will be measured against her and all of them so far have been found wanting. I know it's not healthy to moon after someone you can't have, but it would be a lot easier to cease mooning if we didn't get on so well.

I think part of the attraction is that she is London in female form, endlessly interesting, complicated and currently completely beyond my reach.

Moods in the gym

2010-01-25T23:33:00.000-08:00

My moods are all over the place at the moment. Some days I'm feeling like a character from The Road, barely scraping an existence with no real hope of reprieve. Other days, the situation is entirely the same but I don't seem to mind so much.

I mean, somethings about the current situation are good. I like the people I work with, and the cottage. Other things are less nice, no real way to progress at work, the work isn't that engaging at the moment and my social life is almost non-existent. I do the occasional thing, but nothing on the scale of my previous London adventures. I miss evenings in a pub, bizarre art shows and long afternoons in the best wine merchant in London.

I miss my friends, I know they are technically a train journey away but it's quite an awkward (as in the linking trains are awful and infrequent) and expensive train journey. I have to say that when I move back to London (and I will) I will NEVER complain about having to cross London on the tube to see someone. NEVER*

I managed to go to the gym again today, this was a challenge because I have done something awful to my foot. I think I did it while running down a hill towards the pub after the hike. Anyway, it was a sort of easy gym trip, at least to begin with the spazzy foot meant I couldn't do any running, or cycling or anything like that. Instead I did weights, and played around with the machines. This resulted in me setting myself two new challenges.

1) I want to be able to bench press the weight of a co-worker.
2) I also want to be able to do 20 pull-ups.

The second one is going to be challenging, I've lost a bit of weight since going to the gym but I've also put on a lot in muscle so I'll be pulling up a fair old lump. Still I didn't think I'd manage the 700 calories in 20 minutes and I can do that with relative ease now. So there is hope.

God I'm boring these days.

*For at least the first few months.

Hike 1 - Louche 0

2010-01-24T11:01:00.000-08:00

That was quite a walk, 8 miles in the mud. It was like the Somme at some points. Even the dog was knackered afterwards. It took a couple of hours, and by the end of it was broken. I was so tired I just wanted to lie down by the side of the road and die.

It was brilliant, I'm going to do it again next weekend. Nothing like a bit of wholesome exhaustion to cheer a chap up. Plus this gives me something to do at the weekend to keep fit in a different way.

The pub quiz was good too, or at least so bad it was good. The questions were mental, and some of them were trick questions. The git. Still you can't beat a good pub quiz. I love the mixture of blank expressions and whispering as people try and work out the answers. The questions were a bit mental though, who knows the last four arch-bishops of Canterbury before the current one? Mental.

Talking of mental, while on the pub quiz Chuck sent me a text. It just said 'I saw you today'. What is up with her?

Walking through the weekend

2010-01-24T01:14:00.001-08:00

This is a shocking weekend, it's shocking because I'm doing TWO things at the weekend. Neither of which involve going to London. I know, it's amazing, boggling even.

In a moment I'm going to go on a long walk, almost a hike I've been told. With a chum and his dog. It's going to take a couple of hours and I'm really looking forward to it. I like walking.

The second event is that I'm going to go to a pub quiz this evening in a local pub. It's amazing! Especially after last weekend where I managed to go the entire weekend without uttering a word. That troubles me.

On more positive notes I've finished the second draft of the children's book. The first few chapters were a struggle but by the end I was really enjoying it. I'm currently sticking post-it notes all over my wall with things I need to clean up.

When I'm being slack about writing I look at pictures of London to inspire me, or at least I tried that this weekend and it really worked.

Brown rice

2010-01-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

Brown rice isn't very inspirational is it? Perhaps it will grow on me but I struggle to imagine a time when I think 'oh larks, I can't wait to get home and have a steaming bowl of brown rice'.

Maybe it will come, I couldn't have previously imagined a world where I not only went to the gym every day but one where I was in line for member of the month. It's basically an award for turning up a lot but I'm in the lead so that's something. For someone who previously thought getting out of breath was a bit vulgar I'm turning into an unlikely gym bunny.

So plans for tonight? Well I shall cook some brown rice for lunch tomorrow. Try and do a bit of writing and then go to bed early with some Japanese homework. Not such a terrible evening, but it's the format of every evening of 2010 so far. Perhaps I'm just getting all the dull stuff out of the way so I can begin a life of wonder and joy for the rest of the year.

Hurrah for words

2010-01-19T12:06:00.000-08:00

I'm re-writing the children's book at the moment, it's hard going (which is why I keep finding time to work on my C.V. and learn Japanese) but I just had a massive breakthrough. I just enjoyed doing a chapter. That's the first time that's happened as before it's been a huge slog ever step of the way.

If this keeps up I may even get dangerously close to enjoying the experience.

In which Louche talks about January

2010-01-18T10:55:00.000-08:00

January is the worst month. It's cold, everyone is poor and summer seems like a fictional place that someone invented just to torture you. It seems like an age since I shared a cocktail with someone fabulous, even though it's only been about a month.

Today was my first date without bread. I've been eating sandwiches for a while at work, mostly because the food in the canteen is so dire. And since I've been going to the gym and working out so hard I've needed more and more sandwiches to fill me up.

It was getting silly how much bread I was eating and so now I've cut it out of my diet. I'm only on day two of bread free land and it's mostly okay. The most difficult part was when my salad leaked all over my bag. Sandwiches don't do that. My manbag smells funny now.

The gym is rammed at the moment, perhaps it took people a while to dig out their p.e. kits and find their gym shoes to join the new years resolution rush but today there were more people than machines. I'm going to have to start going earlier to beat the rush. It's not that I don't like people, it's just the gym is my quiet time away from that all. It's time to think, or not think, or at least work myself to exhaustion so I can sleep at night without fretting about pointless things.

Yes I am writing this instead of updating my c.v. BAD LOUCHE.

Being a grown-up

2010-01-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

My life is a lot more grown up these days, and I'm not entirely sure I approve. It's not like I've got kids, or any real responsibilities, it's just things are a bit more dull. I used to have a rule about not seeing girls at weekends, or that a week was wasted unless I got wasted at least twice.

Last time I went to a nightclub I even paid to get in, I didn't do that for the entire time I lived in London. The closest thing to a steamy affair is with my gym and I've even started eating brown rice. Yes brown rice. I used to only eat fruit if it was part of a cocktail.

What has happened to me? Where did it go wrong? I mean apart from moving out of London. This job may have been good for my career but it's been dire for my social life.

*Pause in writing while frantically updating C.V.*

Updating a c.v is terribly dull isn't it? I mean, even when you've got loads of good stuff to put on it, it is still very boring. The last three months have just been a bit of a training montage, and not a lot else.

Strip Poker?

2010-01-17T09:13:00.000-08:00

The following is an actual conversation had recently between me and a girl. The rest of the date was a disaster but this brief dialogue amused me.

Girl - "Hey, do you want to play strip poker?"

Louche - "Erm, okay, but I don't think I have any cards."

Girl - "Do you have any other games?"

Louche - "Not really. How about scissors-paper-stone?"

*brief pause*

Girl - "Okay, after three..."

This story didn't end how you would expect, but that's something for another time.

(500) Days of Summer, a rather belated review

2010-01-17T09:03:00.000-08:00

WARNING THE FOLLOWING POST CONTAINS SPOILERS.

The first time I watched 500 Days of Summer I hated it. I think I hated for a few reasons. I didn't have the ending I expected, or sort of wanted but didn't want at the same time.

I also hated it because Zooey Deschanel plays a less than pleasant character, this made me sad because it caused me to interrupt my usual flow of gazing at her while simpering.

Anyway, I watched the film, was angry for reasons I couldn't really explain and then didn't think much more about it for a few days. Then I thought about it a bit more, and more, until I watched it again and then I loved it.

It's not the usual sort of rom-com, that's sort of missing the point. What it really is, is an excellent film about dating awkward women. The sort of pretty woman that is like being in a cage with a wild animal who is fun for a brief time, and utterly consumes you until tossing you aside a slightly broken person.

I've not seen a lot of films about girls like that so it was refreshing to see. It was nice to see someone else making all the same mistakes and ignoring all the same signals. I think that's why 500 days of summer is now one of my favourite films, not one of those films you watch constantly, or talk about to impress people but something that someone just ticks a box in a way you can't quite place.

I really like it.

Memoirs of a mental.

2010-01-13T23:37:00.001-08:00

Okay, so you have date with someone a few months ago. It doesn't go great for a range of reasons. She spends most of the time talking about her ex and how he never spent enough money on her and how he made her pay for half their meals together. Yes I know, the bastard. How dare he try that?

She also has that special property, she radiates mad. The sort of thing that just sets off all those animal instincts that tell you to get away fast. So I didn't think much more on it, I never thought I'd see her again after that date. That is until she sent me an email asking me to ghost write her memoirs.

I should point at no point did I say 'I've got loads of free time and I'm looking for a incredibly tricky but ultimately futile project to get my teeth into'. She sent me, what was about a four page email detailing her life, and why she thinks it would make a story that someone would ever want to read.

I'm not sure which date is the 'write my life story' one but I'm pretty sure I've never got to it. How do I attact these women?

Forcing words in my head

2010-01-12T23:53:00.000-08:00

I've been getting my learn on recently, and I think my new attitude to learning is gym inspired. The thing is, when you first go to the gym it's a bit awful. You will discover that really you aren't that fit. The next day you will feel terrible, massively sore and it's hard to work out why you would even consider going again.

Add to this the fact that you won't notice any difference in your body for a while and it's easy to understand why people give up after a bit. The thing is, one you get through that it starts to get really fun. All the modern machines give you numbers to compare yourself with so you can see yourself making progress and so it's rewarding. I enjoy this.

It's spilled over to other things, while learning Japanese I've been forcing myself to study every night and I've had to learn a whole load of symbols for the alphabets. The first one is pretty sorted now, and I'm working on my second alphabet. It's hard, after having learned all the noises and shapes I have to learn a new set off them. Still if I can get this nailed I'm most of the way there.

Work is hard at the moment, we are under huge pressure to do lots of things with no end in sight. If I didn't have the furious learning of Japanese to destract me I think I'd go a bit mad.

Bad dates

2010-01-10T23:51:00.001-08:00

I had an awkward date this weekend. It was a second date with someone via work. It happened because the person at work was hassling me to go out with her again, and I gave in. I really should learn not to give in to stuff like that.

What followed was far, far too much polite conversation and mental counting down hours. There just isn't any spark, so it was a fight to keep the conversation going. I'm not saying that I'm insisting on love at first sight, but you should be able to at least spend time with the person without strugging for topics of conversation.

This date went on for far too long, I got drunk, so drunk that drinking some chilli oil in the restaurant seemed like a good idea. We ended up back at the cottage and she stayed the night. Nothing *really* rude happened, but enough to make me feel a bit wrong in the morning. For some reason she kept bringing up the subject of long term relationships (Top Tip: Don't do this when in bed with someone for the first time) or various insecurities (Top Tip: Women, you are all beautiful, men want to see you naked, don't ask them turn the light off, draw the curtains, and then close their eyes) or just weird stuff (Top Tip: The tip here was too rude to publish).

It was just uncomfortable and what makes it worse is I'm going to have to deal with work people asking about it, the ones who set us up. Oh dear. Still I must be resolute, I'm not going on another date with her, nope. Not at all. Please?

Snow

2010-01-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

It's snowy here. Not end of the world snow, but a light dusting. I was quite hoping for joke snow but this is far too managable for my liking. It's also been bloody cold which has caused me to discover that I've messed up the circulation in my left foot a bit by crashing. It's a bit annoying, it's not completely broken, it just get's colder easier. Oh bum.

I've returned to the gym and my first visit was really unpleasant. My strength hasn't taken that much of a knock over the Christmas period but my stamina has been destroyed. I'm working on getting it back though and the second visit was far more pleasant than the first. The gym is very busy too as lots of people have New Year resolutions to work on.

My resolutions are rattling away, well at least one of them is. I'm re-learning Japanese. My oral skills are coming along okay, although I'm sure my pronounciation is a bit rough but my reading skills are being harder. Last night I just couldn't get the alphabet to go in my head. I stuck at it and about three hours later I was at about 40% comprehension (I've got an Iphone app that tests me). I suppose the main difference is I didn't give up, for which I'm slightly surprised at myself.

Not a lot else to report really. I don't do that much in the evenings. I've got a date lined up for the weekend, a second one with someone who is 'okay' rather than fabulous. I think I agreed to it because she is fairly local more than anything else, and no it's not the racist.

Other dates are in early planning stages but all of them are in London. I'm trying to work out a system where I can go down and a load of them in one go. Not at the same time of course, but you know, sort of have a long weekend of interviews, *ahem* I mean dates.

NYE with cider

2010-01-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve was surprisingly boozy. I was in the rural part of the country with the family so we had a large meal and then wobbled up to the local pub.

The local pub is, well terribly local. Some of the people I vaguely recognised from school. They were younger than me, and I suppose still are but they were herding children around. That was alarming.

There wasn't much else to do but drink, so I got very drunk. It seemed rude not to with pints so cheap. The clock raced around to midnight and everyone poured outside to sing the first verse of that song before mumbling the rest of the way through it. I was feeling a little bit blurry but not too bad. We scampered back home through frosty lanes and I got increasingly drunk.

For some reason this seemed like an excellent time to give my brother some useful life advice. So the rest of the walk was spent with me saying things like 'never offer to buy a girl a drink as an opener' and 'With very few exceptions you can always walk home from an awful party if nothing else'. He wasn't drunk and took this in good grace. The full moon lit the way home so it was a very pleasant walk.

By the time we arrived home I was ruinously drunk and stumbled into bed. I woke up a few times, feeling more drunk each time until about 7am when I just felt weird. Still that's NYE out of the way, now I have a month of purity and self enforced improving to look forward too.

Anything will be better than this bloody hangover that is still haunting me. I'm never drinking cider again.

Resolve

2009-12-30T05:35:00.000-08:00

I've started working on my new Year Resolutions. Here they are so far.

1) (re)learn Japanese, and then go to Japan.
I've actually started this one, I've got some new teaching programs and they are going well. If I can get my Japanese up to conversational I can probably blag some press trips. Huzzah.

2) Re-write children's book.
I've been meaning to do this for ages. I've started and it's going pretty well thanks to some useful feedback from my mum and some chums. It should have been done months ago but I'm rubbish.

3) Do more Stand-up.
I thought I wasn't going to do anymore but then I accidentally went to a gig (it was downstairs at a party and we were morally obligied to go). One of the chaps at the gig was someone who was on before me at my first gig ever, it made me think I really should have another crack at it. I've got some new jokes too.

4) Move back to London, or somewhere with a night life
It's gotta be done. Cottage or no cottage I'm too young and too single to be living out the rest of my life as a hermit.

More to follow.

Final festive party

2009-12-23T23:52:00.001-08:00

I'm hungover, I have cuts on my hand and I bump on the back of my head. Yes I've been drinking. It was the work goodbye drinks and they started at 3pm with desk Whiskey and went on from there. I really can't handle my drink anymore (the gym effect) and so I had to excuse myself at 9pm with a case of 'absolutely ruined'. I stumbled home, slipped on some ice banged my head and cut my hand before I finally fell into bed.

I feel a bit special today, but it could have been much worse. The drinks were, well actually really good fun. This job may be in the wilderness but I do like the chaps I work with. I even had a proper blokie chat with someone I don't get on with terribly well. It was jolly festive.

So now I'm packing to return home for Christmas. I'm in a very different situation form last year. I've got a job, a proper career one, a house of my own but this time I'm single. Which is the default mode for me.

I'd like to say I'm going to use this much needed time off for some soul searching but really I'm just going to eat too many mince pies and sit next to a log fire. In balance I think that's better anyway

Crimble

2009-12-22T23:44:00.001-08:00

I've completed my Christmas Shopping, hurrah. It took a couple of hours but that's mostly because my sister is so awkward to shop for. Now I've just got to muscle through my final day of work and then it's time to eat as much food as possible and watch James Bond films. Christmas is going to be great.

New Year's Eve might possibly be a bit lame. Last year with The Hitchcock Blonde was excellent and so I've been rather spoiled. The year before that I got mashed with the Brightonian Princess which was also good. The rest of New Year's Eves have been a bit patchy. There is a huge weight of expectation, vast cost and a vague feeling you should be at a party somewhere else.

One option, which I hadn't really considered, was that the Actress now owes me an a meal and a rescue, would it be bad form to call in the favour on New Year's Eve?

The danger of wedding hats

2009-12-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

I had another first date on Sunday. It was a friend of someone I work with. We met at the usual place - an 18th century coaching inn - and had a good bottle of wine. After that we decamped to an even older pub for more booze and mince pies.

I got fairly blasted and I know this because I started ordering brandy. The girl was nice. Easy to talk to and pretty. It went well, not amazing but nice. Of course since this was a work arranged date my work chums are now talking about wedding hats and dresses.

I think I'll see her again, but I'm in no huge hurry. I think the problem is I've been rather spoiled by having excellent female chums and so often the women I go on dates with just aren't as entertaining.

Panto with pencil skirts

2009-12-20T23:21:00.000-08:00

I'm a few days out of sync, you'll have to forgive me. Things keep happening. Right, so last Thursday I went to see a panto with my London chums. I was feeling a bit strange from the night before (too much naughty behaviour) but I was feeling very excited as I jumped onto the train.

The old office in Soho was full of the old lovable misfits that have sort of fallen together over the years. Ms Pencil skirt was there, and thankfully it wasn't weird. It was great to catch up with the London lot while drinking gin.

After a couple of snifters we stumbled towards the tube and eventually surfaced in Wimbledon. More people met us here while we had another drink to prepare the mind for panto.

We were assigned tickets at random, I swapped with a chum so that boyfriend and girlfriend could sit together which through chance caused me to be sat next to Pencil skirt. Luckly this wasn't weird and there was even a bit of light co-ordinated dancing going on between us. I blame the gin.

The panto was excellent. Brian Blessed is everything you'd want him to be and Pamela Anderson was good too, on top form but completely outshined by Brian.

After the panto I had to disappearing to the night, H had parked his car and it was running out of time on the ticket. We scampered out to it and parking wardens were swarming over the carpark trying to catch people out. The rotters.

One short car journey in the snow and we dropped the car off and went to the pub. I only managed a couple of cocktails before I was absolutely exhausted and crashed out. It had been a good day.

The next day I got the train back up North but was delayed by a few hours because of the snow. When I finally arrived at work there was a minor blizard going on. So I did the only logical thing - dug out my off-road bike and charged around the business park. It was for a feature, so I sort of had an excuse. Sort of.

During the day Pencil Skirt sent me an email asking if we could go for tea in the new year. I said of course and so plans are being made. I'm not reading too much into this - but I may cross a couple of toes.

The office party.

2009-12-20T02:54:00.000-08:00

The office party was more like a trip to a nightclub than a party. The company is far bigger than I expected. Clearly I need to explore the other floors a bit more. There were a lot of people I didn't recognise - also girls seem to dress up a lot more for these things than the boys do. The chaps were just wearing normal work gear, where as the women were dolled up to the nines.

The nightclub was in an old library so it was a pleasantly pretty building. We were armed with 5 tokens to buy drinks and then we would be on our own. I caught up with a few people I hadn't seen in a while, including another person from the journalism training course who is now leaving. He was in good salts, defiant and full of vigor thanks to leaving.

The rest of the evening was fun, bouncing around from group to group of chums talking about all sorts of things. I chatted to the girl in HR (Tall, dark hair, great sense of humour) who I'm going to be working with in a few weeks and even danced for a bit. The music was awful but when needs must. I left at about midnight and in an excellent mood.

The next day I was off to Panto with Pencil skirt and the rest of the London lot.

In which twitter saves the day

2009-12-15T14:47:00.001-08:00

Last night was not what I expected, which actually turned out to be rather fun. I got down to London early, positively buzzing with excitement. After a short bit of pacing about and waiting the Actress arrived and we ambled into the members club.

The moment I saw the alleyway to the club I had sudden flashbacks to if not the second then probably the third date with The Peruvian. She was a member of the same club. This made the next few moments rather exciting as any time a girl with long hair was spotted I flinched and hid behind the Actress.

The actress was on glowing form, I'd not seen her in months but she was everything I remembered and more, absolutely fabulous. We grabbed some drinks and I introduced her to the art dealer. She bonded instantly over wearing beautiful shoes that destroy feet. The Art Dealer took a real shine to the Actress, and so the evening progressed. The Lycra lady was there too. Looking resplendent. We made a bit of polite conversation about the planned adventure and then I went to get some more drinks.

It was all a bit of a whirl, and then Lycra ran off into the night with a client and I was left with the Actress having far, far too much fun. We played billiards and gambled with promises. I left the table with an offer of supper and a 'rescue should I need it' and so we drank some more and laughed. There was a book of 'erotic origami' which we tried some admittedly rather tame designs from and cackled at the results. I doubt the financial pages have ever been turned into 'those' before.

Eventually the Actress had to scamper off into the night, I was terribly sad to see her go, she had been even more fun than I'd remembered and yet again we had engaged in a surprisingly deep conversation about relationships and stuff. We will definitely go drinking again.

At this point I rejoined the Art dealer and we drank pink champagne and talked to some porn producers. I knew some of them from my old job and so we caught up on the gossip and they shocked the bankers left in the club with their stories from the set.

Far, far later we had to leave the club and stumbled home via a take-away to by something awful to eat. When we were back in the flat we drank rum and then went to bed. I was staying in the Art Dealer's spare flat - honestly, who has a spare flat?

Before I went to bed I tweeted about my might and thought no more of it. The next morning I work up, pulled my things together and jumped on a train. Work knew I was going to be a bit late but they didn't know how late exactly, neither did I. I arrived 'Up North' in good time but then had to spend almost two hours at the bus station waiting for a pesky bus. I arrived rather late thinking I was going to get a bit of a telling off but instead was greeted triumphantly - my tweet had impressed them so much they didn't mind that I was rather delayed.

There is a lesson in that somewhere, but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I also have no idea if Lycra was stirred into jealousy by the Actress, she (the Actress) was on form but who knows how the female mind works, not me. Either way the Actress was a delight and we are going to go out again because she is far too entertaining to take out rarely.

What a spiffing night out.

The art of dating

2009-12-13T13:44:00.000-08:00

I'm going to a bash in London tomorrow. The art dealing chum is hosting another private view and so I'm going to amble down to join in the fun.

I'm taking along an actress I met at a birthday party a few month ago. The one I send telegram style text messages too (how are you STOP fancy some gin on Saturday STOP etc) We are chums, so she is going to provide entertaining company and giggles while we admire art.

I could have invited a date to go along but that might have been a bit weird. There will be loads of people I know there so that would be a bit full on.

Also Lycra will be there, so I'm hoping that she is consumed with jealousy over seeing me with another woman. This sort of plan works in films so it's bound to work in real life.

I can see no flaws in this plan, apart from now that I think about it every time someone does it in a film it normally goes wrong. Oh dear.

Coffee with Chuck

2009-12-13T13:21:00.000-08:00

I went for coffee with Chuck. It was her suggestion. It's the festive season and I was feeling pretty planted. By planted I mean that I have completely an utterly moved on and I couldn't give a damn what happens to her either way.

Given that I thought it was a pretty low risk activity. I was right and wrong.

The coffee ended up being a drink because it was late. It wasn't awkward, it was okay, or at least it started that way. We caught up in a slightly stilted way, polite as always. There was quite a lot of needless touching going on by her, far too much. Do you really need to sit on someones lap to show them a magazine?

Then she invited herself back for port and cheese. Again more touching, by her, not by me.

I'd picked up the hint that she had intentions on me, but I was having absolutely none of it. Eventually it was time for her to leave and she was slightly taken aback when she asked if I wanted her to stay. I said it was up to her, and that I would make up the spare bed. She was shocked.

She was amazed that I didn't want to sleep with her. This shock lasted a while, then after a short Alan Bennett style bit of dialogue she stormed off into the night. She was genuinely amazed that I didn't want to do anything naughty with her, or go out with her again. I suppose pretty girls don't get that very much.

Anyway, I think the whole Chuck affair is finally over. It had its moments but it's for the best.

Is it wrong to date a racist?

2009-12-10T23:51:00.000-08:00

I went on a date, and the girl made some, well some troubling remarks. Not full on racism just a bit of mild racism. Perhaps they were just ill thought out. The rest of the date was a bit dull, no sparkle, no adventures but not horrible either.

So why would I see her again? You may ask. Well she is local so there wouldn't be a 200 mile round-trip to see her. Slightly more importantly I was set up by a chum at work and she has rather made it her mission to get us together.

Is it really so boring up here that I'd put up with dating racists because it would give me something to do?

The evolution of gym kit

2009-12-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

I go to the gym a lot. There really is very little else to do up here. I've never really been a gym sort. The first time I went they had to show me what everything was because I had absolutely no idea. I'm not really a sporty person, or I suppose I wasn't a sporty person a few months ago. My life up here may be very quiet but it's allowed me to affect a transformation which has been reflected in my P.E. kit

Outfit 1 - my first gym kit

As you may notice the shoes are, well shoes. The shorts are 'I must have been drunk when I bought these' and the t-shirt, well actually the T-shirt is okay. Basically it says 'I'm new to the gym'.

Outfit 2 - Starting to get some of the right gear
After my first visit I realised I needed to get some at least mildly sensible trainers. I was still wearing shorts that were almost trousers (honestly what are they for apart from to give you a stupid tan). The trainers were far lighter than my normal shoes and marked the beginning of me starting to a bit mental on the cross trainer (Elliptical for the American readers). I would burn about 200 calories in 10 minutes on it.

Outfit 3 - It's all white
I switched a slightly lighter t-shirt and got some of those special trainer socks. I happened to be out doing some shopping at lunch time and thought I'd get some actual clothes for the gym rather than just going in some things I had lying around. At this point I managed to burn 300 calories in 10 minutes on the cross trainer. My trousers started to get loose and my shirts fitted differently.

Outfit 4 - At last sensible shorts
The gym lady said that 300 calories was extremely good going for ten minutes (she couldn't do it). I was really starting to enjoy the gym experience I wanted to beat that. After really pushing myself I burned 340 calories in ten minutes on the cross trainer and decided that I'd aim for 700 in 20 minutes. I also started a new program of weights lifting twice what I did before. I sleep better and feel amazing after going to the gym. no-one ever told me that after going to the gym you would be off your face on endorphins.

Outfit 5 - My first vest
At this point I'm going to the gym every day, without fail. Even when I'm hungover. My first 20 minute run on the cross trainer lets me hit 600 calories, a few days later I push myself as hard as I can and I hit 678 and feel sick. I go and buy a vest, the first one I've ever owned that's not part of a fancy dress costume. I look very different and I've lost about 10 kilograms and put on muscle everywhere. The next day I hit 703. I've done it. The gym staff are amazed and my take my picture to put on the wall.

The next target is 1000 calories in 30 minutes. I'm not sure if I can do it, but I'm going to try. My knee is fine now, occasionally it still feels a bit weird but I'm stronger than I've ever been.

I don't know who I'm doing this for, I suppose myself, it really helps me relax but I'm rather looking forward to the next time I take my shirt off and a girl is around. she will get a pleasant surprise. I may still be a fop but I'm not built like one anymore.

Time to do stupid things

2009-12-09T00:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't worked out when my blogging time is, which is why I've been a bit rubbish at updating. It's not a great excuse but it's a true one.

I've spoken to the Albert bridge girl a few times since the lunch. She laughed a lot on the phone, when I wasn't even being that funny. I'm taking this as a good sign, but I'm not getting too hopeful. I have however been managing to play it cool, which is rare for me. I don't do cool terribly well.

I think the problem is that playing it cool, is very much like not being interested and that just seems wrong. This is a source of comedy for me at least - I'm writing again - even thinking about doing a show. My job just doesn't stimulate me as much as it used to, and there just has to be more to life than well, a cottage.

That isn't to say I don't like the cottage, but I just don't think I should be here yet. I should be in London, or something. And not just because there are girls there who I like stomping across bridges with, but because there is life there. Proper life, the life you can't predict and that constantly surprises you. I need change, radical changes which means I'm going to have to do some radical stuff.

Yes, I'm fixing to do something stupid.

Something stupid on Albert Bridge

2009-12-06T23:38:00.000-08:00

I think I'm dancing toward something stupid. The weekend was one of highs and lows but for me the pin-sharp moment was on Saturday at about 5pm.

I was walking across Albert Bridge in the rain, sheltering under an umbrella with a woman. She asked why I was walking so slowly and I said I was just enjoying the moment. It was cold, I was late for something else and I'm not even sure that she likes me in that way, but for the length of a bridge I was terribly happy.

Choose your own adventure Louche.

2009-12-03T12:29:00.001-08:00

I have a few options this weekend. It's like a choose your own adventure book.

1) Stay in house whole weekend writing stuff I should have finished years ago. Clean cottage, do washing. Wake up on Monday with everything ready for the week ahead but with a vague feeling of 'is this really what I spent all week looking forward too?'. This is how I spend a lot of weekends

2) Date on Friday in the tiny town set up by a chum at work. On Saturday go clubbing with people from work (all girls) and see what the charms of the local town are on a normal weekend. On Sunday go for long hike with chum from work (male).

3) Go down to London for long weekend. Catch up with lovely London chums, then have lunch with girl who is so pretty I can't really talk to her (she has asked me). Possibly have first date with someone else work people are trying to set me up with. Toy with the idea of Christmas shopping but decide to do it online instead. Come home tired but at least feeling I did something with my time off.

4) None of the above.

The dangers of pork

2009-12-01T13:16:00.001-08:00

I've been neglecting this blog of late, so much so that I fear social services may take it away at any moment and rehouse it with some foster posters.

At the weekend I went to London for a bash. It was marvellous. The tube was broken so I had to walk through London in the rain to get to the party. I didn't mind though, because it was a lovely stroll. Almost every street I walked down had a memory tied to it. First dates, last dates, chance encounters, drinking adventures and even quiet moments.

The party was good too, a load of old friends that I've sadly rather fallen out of touch with, well apart from email exchanges. It was by anyone's standards a lovely reunion. I ended up crashing at chums place and then meeting another chum for breakfast and then ambling off for a first date. The date wasn't a huge success, but it rounded off a pretty good weekend.

I miss London, and I'm resolved to return, which is I said to my boss that I wanted to see about a transfer to the London office. I do enjoy the people I work with but I just don't know anyone outside of work up here and so it's a but dull in the evenings to say the least.

I think, if I was settled down, cottage life would be fine but since I'm not it's not quite right. Instead I'm stuck eating vast amounts of pork as a source of entertainment. I ate so much tonight that I had to wobble down to the wine shop to get some port otherwise I would be dead, FACT*

I need a new hobby.

*Not actual fact

The worst line ever

2009-11-24T23:27:00.000-08:00

There is a line us chaps fear more than any else. It over-shadows 'I'm pregnant', eclipses 'I want to talk about where this is going' and makes 'we need to have a talk' seem like something from a greeting card.

This line, feared by men the world over is.

'Let's just be friends'

I got hit with it last night, from Ms Pencil Skirt. She'd still like me to take her out to the Wolesley, but just as friends. Oh really.

This was after yet another day at work where I performed miracles and then got abuse. I think we can mark yesterday as one of the worst Tuesdays I've had in a long time.

On the plus side, I think I've just found a load more stand-up material.

Let's hear it for feminists dressing like ladies

2009-11-22T23:18:00.000-08:00

I had a date on Sunday. It was lovely, and definitely worth the 200 mile round trip (I really do live in the wrong place). It was great because we went somewhere (Tate) and did something (Look at art) and I had so much fun that I can't really remember much about the show.

The girl is a feminist, which is essential for me, I can't abide simpering submissive types. Once you've had fem, you won't date men? No that doesn't quite work. Anyway, proper feminist but not in a hair shirt sort of way, she was tottering about in a pencil skirt with excellent lippy. She was dressed like this because she likes it.

I have to say, that speaking as a straight chap the rise of the whole 1940s burlesque trend has been very appealing. Especially when adopted by slightly fiery types with strong views on gender equality. Ding Dong

Adventures with trains

2009-11-22T02:59:00.001-08:00

I'm off an adventure today. It's just too boring up here so I'm going down to London to absorb some culture with a girl.

The date yesterday was okay, I mean pleasant enough but there wasn't really any sparkle. I suppose my mind was somewhere else, and that somewhere being plotting being in London today.

I've got out a spiffy suit, and even more spiffy shirt and possibly the world's greatest hanky. Oh yes, I'm going to be massively overdressed for going down to London but then that's half the fun.

London

2009-11-21T01:19:00.000-08:00

I went down to London for a party with some old work chums. It was supposed to be a party open to loads of people but in the end only about a dozen turned up. It was ace though. It's been almost years since I last got drunk with that crowd in a bar. I miss them.

I miss London too. Even though the cottage is very lovely at the moment. I just feel like I'm coasting, which probably isn't a totally bad thing - I've got a job. So it's a good sort of coast.

I've not been proper drinking for a while, and so the next day I was pretty broken. Even a shower at work didn't help that much - and my new show gel smells like Jolly Rancher.

I was in the gym pre-shower on the cross trainer. I wasn't going to go mad or anything I just thought I should go as part of the program to try and make my knee less wonky. The gym lady ask how I was and so I said hungover before carrying on with working out.

After I finished my work out I got given a pamphlet about alcohol abuse and a table to fill in recording how much I've been drinking. It was a bit much, but the gym lady is harmless and terribly earnest. I'm not going to fill in, that's cos I'm a rebel yeah?

Not much else to report really. I've got a load of new stand-up material which I'm slowly turning into a routine and today I've got a date, although I'm not sure I want to go now. I've met someone in London. We've got a date arranged and everything.

I think I need to go to London more often, it's just a shame that the train costs more than a flight to Europe. I hate public transport.

Jack the ripper on twitter

2009-11-18T10:34:00.000-08:00

Through a hole in the space time continuum I saw some famous tweets of yore. Before the whole closed I managed to cut and paste a few of them.

Jack_the_ripper

is feeling spring heeled. Might go out again tonight. I can't stop LOL!!!11!!!

@Police you can't catch me. Hehehehehe

Went out anyway, did something naughty, again, hope no-one notices.

Want to go out tonight, but can't.

What a night LOL!11!1!!1!1!

Going to #Whitehall tonight can't find black bag or knives.

Feeling a bit stabby

Everything is great in America

2009-11-14T12:59:00.001-08:00

Until I agreed to cycle to Spain I was, and well I still am thinking about trying to get a job in the States. I'm not sure if it's even possible but where I am now seems like a bit of a small pond, if that makes sense.

America has always been a land of wonder and opportunity every time I've gone there I've not wanted to come back. So perhaps I should make the next logical step? I'm sure every chap has dreamed of getting a steamer to the states and landing with only a few suits rolled up in a carpet to his name.

So I'm writing up my C.V. as I need to at least see what is out there, and yes before you ask, there might be a girl in America who I've been chatting with, but as I've said before anytime I've done outlandish things to impress a girl it's worked out. Not often with the girl, or actually rarely with the girl but the end it's improved my life.

I rather like the fact I've got two different plans now, both involve girls and both are mutually exclusive. Also neither girl knows I have plans.

2010 Should be exciting.

The next stupid plan - Spain.

2009-11-14T09:34:00.000-08:00

I have just agreed to cycle to Spain. Yes a girl is involved. It's for charity (which is what normal people use as an excuse to do stupid things) but mostly I'm going because she is hot.

Actually she is a bit too hot. Last time I met her I couldn't really hold a conversation with her because I fancied her so much. Instead of saying witty things about topical events I sat quietly with my hands in my lap. In hindsight it was funny, but at the time it was painful.

So anyway, under the guise of perhaps being to talk to her again I've agreed to spend two weeks cycling to Spain at some point in July. Now I just need to get a bike, and well, the fittest I've been in my entire life.

All of this and she probably thinks I'm a bit simple. Oh well, it will probably be fun and even if it goes terribly wrong it will make a good stand-up routine.

Bringing Silly back

2009-11-14T02:43:00.000-08:00

This post has got a bit serious of late, and so that's going to change. I'm going to start being silly again. Silly is good.

I'll just start brewing another coffee and then try and flex the nonsense muscles.

Patterns in life

2009-11-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a few patterns in my life now. Things that repeat themselves so often that they are practically rules.

1) If I see an outlandish item of clothing I like, I should buy it. There will always been an occasion in the future when it is exactly the thing I need.

2) When making an important decision, it shouldn't be based on a careful weighing up of the facts. Just think which option will allow you to meet more lovely girls or meet a specific lovely girl again. This is the result that will make you the most happy in the long run even if the thing with that specific girl never happens.

3) I need to have more than two ideas for rules to make it a proper list.

Expected Week / Actual Week

2009-11-08T02:07:00.000-08:00

Here is the week I expected to have
Monday - Second date with leggy Policewoman
The first date was fun and she had been texting me lots about what we were going to do.
Tuesday - Performance Review
I've been doing my job well, super well. I had a page full of things I've done that no-one else can. This should be two hours about how great I am. I have no life really apart from work so I've been giving it my all.
Saturday - Party with work people
Some of the sales girls asked me to a birthday party. Since I had a car now I thought I'd go along to say hello.

Here is the week I actually had
Monday - Stood up by Policewoman
Tuesday - Awful performance review where I was given the impression that I'm only just doing my job, all good stuff ignored.
Saturday - Car blew up on way to party, now broken and will cost more to fix than it is worth. I've had it less than a week.

The danger of ham

2009-11-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to write something difficult, well to be exact I'm finally getting around to writing something I should have done ages ago but since I'm really supposed to be setting up my council tax payments I thought this might be a better thing to do.
I'm also cleaning the house. You can tell when I'm writing something hard because the house is spotless. Currently the house still has some spots but they are fast disappearing.

Now I'm writing this instead of writing the thing I should be writing, arrgh.
Anyway, I used to have a system for writing. I'd get up early, brew some mind bendlingly strong coffee and sip it while bashing away furiously. For really hard stuff I'd put some jazz on, nothing with words in it though, otherwise they would start appearing it what I was writing. Occasionally I'd take breaks to brew more coffee or make some poached eggs on toast. I managed to squeeze out a book doing that.

The thing is I don't really drink coffee anymore, I rather drank too much of the stuff and it was making me ill. Decaf is all well and good but it doesn't make your face tingle and mind move faster than you can type, so I'm trying to find other things to help me write. Other treat foods so I can train myself that 'this is writing time.'

Today I got a huge hunk of ham, as part of my experiment to find writing food. You know one of those cooked ones that looks like something Asterix would eat after duffing up some Romans. It was extremely nice, so nice I did a little dance while eating it, but it also made me sleepy, and thirsty and now I want to drink wine and have a nap.

I've got some other foods to try out, those funny little expensive chocolate puddings that lonely people eat instead of having sex and some very thin biscuits. Biscuits seem to get better the less of them there are.

I'm hoping that one of these will become my new culinary muse and I can finally do that work. It's definitely not ham, Ham is tasty and a good rewards after fighting legionnaires but it's not right for when you have to churn out 1500 words before you will allow yourself to go to the pub.

So kids, I suppose the lesson in all of this is don't ham and write.

Relationships with Rashomon

2009-11-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

It's weird how two people who were in the same relationship can have entirely different views on what happened. Even when both of you were there. Isn't it?

This isn't in reference to anything specific, it's just an observation.

Being Bowser

2009-11-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

In the late 80s and early 90s there was a convention in computer games. At the end of a level, or a series of levels there would be a boss. This boss would have to be defeated to progress through the game.

The boss would be impressive looking, but they would always have a weak point so they were more of a puzzle than anything else. Some would be invulnerable apart from a special point or others would require you to attack a specific point that would let you damage them. Bowser was a classic one of this, whole parts of my childhood were spent working out where to hit him with a turtle shell.

That's what I'm like. I'm mostly healed but if I hit my knee even moderately hard then, well I'm caused to swear an awful lot, for a long time and possibly roll around on the floor. I hope this goes away as I do tend to bounce off things as I make my way through life.